Do I break no contact to offer condolences?

[whiteknighted]

I last saw my ex 4 weeks ago which was quite a therapeutic meeting and helped give me some answers as to why we split up. I thought we ended on good terms - an acknowledgement that we had both been suffering as a result of splitting up and that we would return to no-contact for both our benefits.

 

Yesterday I discovered by chance that my ex's father died a week after I saw him. His father had been ill for a long time (years) and his death wouldn't necessarily be sudden nor premature (he was in his 80s). He obviously didn't tell me and neither did any of his friends (who I still have on facebook) bother to inform me.

 

In his own words my ex once said "if I were capable of asking for help, I know you'd be there to offer it". It doesn't surprise me that he hasn't been in touch to tell me but I feel like I shouldn't ignore what's happened.

 

My plan was to send him a sympathy card with a short note to say I was sorry to hear what happened, that I was thinking of him and that I hope he was doing ok. I didn't want to text or phone him as I didn't want to ambush him, or make him feel like he has to respond. I also don't want to open the channels to having the conversation turn to "us" (I know if I spoke to him on the phone I'd probably bring up our last meeting).

 

Does this seem an acceptable thing to do? My ex and I were together for 5 years and the last 2 years were impacted quite heavily by his father's health and I know it took a toll on my ex. I feel like I can't have this knowledge and not do anything about it but I genuinely don't want to put any other pressure on him as our last meeting ended with some semblance of closure.

[fixing]

Yes. A Card is very appropriate. 5 years together is a very long time, and you were around the last two years with his fathers suffering.

Definitely a very nice gesture.

[TylerDurdenn]

Card and his favourite chocolates.

[d0nnivain]

Yes. It's the right thing to do.

 

I have always sent sympathy cards when an EX's family member passed. My dad died lat year. An EX of mine from a relationship that ended 15 years earlier sent a card. Granted I run into thet EX periodically for work & the day my father was hospitalized I was supposed to have been a work thing with the EX & announcement was made as to why I wouldn't be there. Years earlier I sent a card when his grandfather died.

 

A year after we broke up, a different EX's father died. I loved his dad & his parents had lived with us for a year before his mom died. I actually picked out the dress that his mother was buried in. I sent flowers. My parents wanted to go to the service because everyone loved my EX's dad. I called to see if that would be OK. I didn't want to show up & make things worse. My EX's SIL told me that the family would prefer that my elderly parents not make the 6 hour round trip.

[whiteknighted]

Thanks guys. I sent a card yesterday with a short note. I also texted one of his friends last night to ask how he was coping and she said that I was right not to phone him as it might just upset him more.

 

It's always sad to hear these things through other channels - my ex's dad's failing health definitely impacted our relationship for a year or two as he had less time for himself (and us - we were long distance) and had to spend more time with his family. So I feel like I've been understanding and by his side for the duration of this period, but I'm sad that when it finally ended he chose not to tell me or reach out in any way.

 

I shouldn't take it personally - I think he will cope best by removing me from his life completely. He'll have a guard up for everyone else in his life but perhaps seeing or speaking to me might crack it and there's so much piled up in there that if he started letting it out, it might never stop.