coolfriendlygal Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I am a married IT Professional. Met this guy at work and chatted with him few times. His style of talking and flirting was interesting and i enjoyed talking to him. Then met him out alone once. He said he does not want any relation and asked me if I wanted a fling. I denied which is right. He said he wanted to kiss but I dint do anything during the first meeting. when we met second time, i couldn;t resist and we kissed briefly. I like the way he talked to me. I kept on thinking about him after that. He dint talk... i.e. initiated talking to me after that. After few days, I talked to him and aplologised. He too apologised and said he dint think anything about me. Haven't talked much after that..even on chat. Not sure what is in his mind. what should i do to find out. i don't expect anything for him but do miss the chats. Its hard to avoid thinking about him when I see him almost everyday at work, though I don't cross his path at work much. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 I am a married IT Professional. Met this guy at work and chatted with him few times. His style of talking and flirting was interesting and i enjoyed talking to him. Then met him out alone once. He said he does not want any relation and asked me if I wanted a fling. I denied which is right. He said he wanted to kiss but I dint do anything during the first meeting. when we met second time, i couldn;t resist and we kissed briefly. I like the way he talked to me. I kept on thinking about him after that. He dint talk... i.e. initiated talking to me after that. After few days, I talked to him and aplologised. He too apologised and said he dint think anything about me. Haven't talked much after that..even on chat. Not sure what is in his mind. what should i do to find out. i don't expect anything for him but do miss the chats. Its hard to avoid thinking about him when I see him almost everyday at work, though I don't cross his path at work much. The better question is: What's in your mind? Why are you being unfaithful to your husband? You need to focus the attention on yourself and why you are stepping out of your marriage. Who cares what the other guy is thinking? That's not your concern, I'm afraid. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted November 28, 2013 Author Share Posted November 28, 2013 My marriage is about to break and he too is unhappy in his marriage, he himself old me so. Should have mentioned it in the post. anyways, is it wrong to like someone? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 No, it isn't necessarily wrong to like someone. But you don't just like him - you acted on it and cheated on your husband. That is indeed wrong, and you know that. Don't be that woman. End your marriage first. Don't play footsie with the other again unless and until he ends his marriage, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted November 28, 2013 Author Share Posted November 28, 2013 Ok, I did something which i was not supposed to do and I apologised. But, I was vulnerable and i couldnt resist. He wanted more actually, to which i refused outright. Thats when he said he was feeling bad for his wife. And yes, I felt bad too for myself. He is not going to end his marriage, atleast he gave that impression. The thing is, during the first meet, he said he wanted to do it for fun and I refused. Second time, he did, it happened and then he made me feel as if I did something wroong. and said, he is glad it happened with me as i have some morals. He confuses me too much Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted November 28, 2013 Share Posted November 28, 2013 Respect yourself, once you step over that line there is no do over. If you don't think your marriage is worth saving than end it before you compromise your moral standards. It is never a good idea to cheat and specially with someone you work with. Do you really need to complicate your life more than it is now? Sit your husband down and have a talk about the future of your marriage than decide on a path. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Ok, I did something which i was not supposed to do and I apologised. But, I was vulnerable and i couldnt resist. He wanted more actually, to which i refused outright. Thats when he said he was feeling bad for his wife. And yes, I felt bad too for myself. He is not going to end his marriage, atleast he gave that impression. The thing is, during the first meet, he said he wanted to do it for fun and I refused. Second time, he did, it happened and then he made me feel as if I did something wroong. and said, he is glad it happened with me as i have some morals. He confuses me too much Who did you apologize to? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted November 29, 2013 Author Share Posted November 29, 2013 There is nothing to discuss with my husband. I wanted our marriage to work. I begged, requested, tried everything but he wants to separate. I guess I am vulnerable cos I am still emotionally attached to him. It was in spur of the moment that this happened with the guy at work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted November 29, 2013 Author Share Posted November 29, 2013 I apologised to the guy that I am sorry for what happened and that I could not resist. He did the same and said he dint think anything about me. I did feel bad that it happened honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
haribogumsnickers Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Cross his path and make the effort to flash him. No not with your boobs rather your smile and a hi. Just be like, what up bitch?...you wussin out on me now? Should startle some reaction. He's ignoring you. Ignore him back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted November 29, 2013 Author Share Posted November 29, 2013 Cross his path and make the effort to flash him. No not with your boobs rather your smile and a hi. Just be like, what up bitch?...you wussin out on me now? Should startle some reaction. He's ignoring you. Ignore him back. Hey, He is not chatting with me as he used to do before. Else, if he sees me somewhere, he would say hi etc but not much talking. the thing is I am unable to face him now. I want to talk to him... discuss my probs with him..but unsure how to approach him. He knows I am having relationship problems, he said last week he would organise something with me to talk..i have been waiting. He hasn't contacted me back. Link to post Share on other sites
MrBossMan Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 And you wonder why your husband is fed up with you... smh All you care about is yourself and you need some serious, sleeves-rolled-up therapy. I'm not saying this to make you upset, but look at you. You made a covenant with your husband, and as it crumbles, you talk about this other guy and expect us to believe that you did everything you could to make your current marriage work! Admit it: you don't care. And any fool who gets involved with you will eventually suffer the same fate. I can only imagine why your husband had so much faith in you to marry you. Get some help, please. And stay away from men. Forget this crush. Because he's seeing your flaws (for lack of a harsher word), and he's staying back. Your husband is the only one who loved you enough to commit to you, so if I were you, I'd get serious with myself right now and ask myself some hard questions. Why don't you care more? What is it in you or what is lacking that allows you to play games with people's lives like they were ants in a sandbox? You need to grow up, seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted December 1, 2013 Author Share Posted December 1, 2013 And you wonder why your husband is fed up with you... smh All you care about is yourself and you need some serious, sleeves-rolled-up therapy. I'm not saying this to make you upset, but look at you. You made a covenant with your husband, and as it crumbles, you talk about this other guy and expect us to believe that you did everything you could to make your current marriage work! Admit it: you don't care. And any fool who gets involved with you will eventually suffer the same fate. I can only imagine why your husband had so much faith in you to marry you. Get some help, please. And stay away from men. Forget this crush. Because he's seeing your flaws (for lack of a harsher word), and he's staying back. Your husband is the only one who loved you enough to commit to you, so if I were you, I'd get serious with myself right now and ask myself some hard questions. Why don't you care more? What is it in you or what is lacking that allows you to play games with people's lives like they were ants in a sandbox? You need to grow up, seriously. MrBossMan Thank you for your kind words, but you are trying to be too judgemental without knowing anything at all. My marriage in trouble is completely different issue than the guy at work. My marriage is not breaking cos of the guy...nor I like him cos my marriage is threatened. i do not bother to make you understand what I did or what I din't do in regards to my marriage. regarding the hard questions...I have asked them million times... to myself and to my husband..only thing I got was bullying, rejection, incompatibility, irrational unnecessary blaming , thinking of me as a cash cow ONLY, disrespect for me as an individual. I suffered all this for almost 5 years and have had enough. There is a limit to everything and all of us...have a right to seek happiness...for each one of us get only one life to live... I don;t seek love from anyone.... i just don't trust anyone at the moment...and I dont know if i will ever be able to do so in future. when I was chasing and struggling to make it work...i was not being real. And let me tell you... my husband has got a problem ..a disease of finding faults in everyone..he has tendency to criticise anything and everyone...which I learnt the harder way.... Noone saw flaws in me...still i would say... noone failed...neither me nor my husband...its our relationship that failed... about the guy at work...i need to find a way to talk to him or learn to ignore men....in which case you gave the right advice.... Stay away from men...as they f***k your life Link to post Share on other sites
MrBossMan Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 MrBossMan Thank you for your kind words, but you are trying to be too judgemental without knowing anything at all. My marriage in trouble is completely different issue than the guy at work. My marriage is not breaking cos of the guy...nor I like him cos my marriage is threatened. i do not bother to make you understand what I did or what I din't do in regards to my marriage. regarding the hard questions...I have asked them million times... to myself and to my husband..only thing I got was bullying, rejection, incompatibility, irrational unnecessary blaming , thinking of me as a cash cow ONLY, disrespect for me as an individual. I suffered all this for almost 5 years and have had enough. There is a limit to everything and all of us...have a right to seek happiness...for each one of us get only one life to live... I don;t seek love from anyone.... i just don't trust anyone at the moment...and I dont know if i will ever be able to do so in future. when I was chasing and struggling to make it work...i was not being real. And let me tell you... my husband has got a problem ..a disease of finding faults in everyone..he has tendency to criticise anything and everyone...which I learnt the harder way.... Noone saw flaws in me...still i would say... noone failed...neither me nor my husband...its our relationship that failed... about the guy at work...i need to find a way to talk to him or learn to ignore men....in which case you gave the right advice.... Stay away from men...as they f***k your life Sorry for any rushes to judgement. I acknowledge that, but at the same time, I think you'll be happier if you adopt an it's-over-when-it's-over attitude and keep trying a little bit longer. This isn't your boyfriend here. Maybe you just need a month to yourself or something and maybe your husband needs the same. Link to post Share on other sites
elbe Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 My marriage is about to break and he too is unhappy in his marriage, he himself old me so. Should have mentioned it in the post. anyways, is it wrong to like someone? Unhappy with your marriage and getting a divorce are two very different things. Imagine what would have to happen for this to work itself out... Is that realistic? If not, what do you want from him? Friendship? Are you going to cheat on your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 MrBossMan Thank you for your kind words, but you are trying to be too judgemental without knowing anything at all. My marriage in trouble is completely different issue than the guy at work. My marriage is not breaking cos of the guy...nor I like him cos my marriage is threatened. i do not bother to make you understand what I did or what I din't do in regards to my marriage. regarding the hard questions...I have asked them million times... to myself and to my husband..only thing I got was bullying, rejection, incompatibility, irrational unnecessary blaming , thinking of me as a cash cow ONLY, disrespect for me as an individual. I suffered all this for almost 5 years and have had enough. There is a limit to everything and all of us...have a right to seek happiness...for each one of us get only one life to live... I don;t seek love from anyone.... i just don't trust anyone at the moment...and I dont know if i will ever be able to do so in future. when I was chasing and struggling to make it work...i was not being real. And let me tell you... my husband has got a problem ..a disease of finding faults in everyone..he has tendency to criticise anything and everyone...which I learnt the harder way.... Noone saw flaws in me...still i would say... noone failed...neither me nor my husband...its our relationship that failed... about the guy at work...i need to find a way to talk to him or learn to ignore men....in which case you gave the right advice.... Stay away from men...as they f***k your life Then may I ask why you're still married? Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Stay away from men...as they f***k your life You are doing a fine job of that to yourself as well. Nobody held a gun to your head and demanded that you continue suffering in a toxic marriage. Nobody is forcing you to get it on with other men for the remaining duration of your marriage. You are not hapless and unable to resist to advances of other men. You went along with this office romance before you could even make a clean break from the marriage your husband wishes to end. There's a lot you are doing to yourself that simply isn't working out for you at all. I cannot imagine how overwhelmed you must be feeling to be in this really tough spot. I just want you to know that you aren't alone in this. Please look very carefully at your own choices and discover what is right for you. Working through this will take time and patience but things can improve for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 And although I'd probably get flak for this: If pursuing things further with another man, your coworker or anybody else makes you happy, I think you owe it to yourself to carefully think about that. This includes taking the time to consider whether or not you want to continue the marriage and move on. It's important to consider your own wants and needs. I know that this moment romance is probably inappropriate but a day will come when you are no longer conflicted. Please invest in looking after yourself by taking the time to work through this. Again, you seem to be in a tough spot, but that doesn't mean your life cannot improve. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted December 2, 2013 Author Share Posted December 2, 2013 Sorry for any rushes to judgement. I acknowledge that, but at the same time, I think you'll be happier if you adopt an it's-over-when-it's-over attitude and keep trying a little bit longer. This isn't your boyfriend here. Maybe you just need a month to yourself or something and maybe your husband needs the same. Yes, I think you are right about the fact that I don't have to rush into anything unless it is OVER. and yeah sometimes being away from each other gives you time to think and miss something/someone you don't miss otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted December 2, 2013 Author Share Posted December 2, 2013 Agree that unhappy in marriage is diff from divorce... I know what you mean by work itself out...i don;t him to separate from his wife...especially because of me... i only want friendship from him but he wants to sleep with me... and i know he sleeps with his wife as well. I have repeatedly said NO to him fro sleeping together, I know I cannot and will never do that.... While I am my husbands wife ans m in this marriage, I m not going to cheat him..however bad my marriage is.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted December 2, 2013 Author Share Posted December 2, 2013 Then may I ask why you're still married? I am still married because it takes time to come out of it...cos of law... u cannot divorce unless u live separately for an year... but that is not too far for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted December 2, 2013 Author Share Posted December 2, 2013 You are doing a fine job of that to yourself as well. Nobody held a gun to your head and demanded that you continue suffering in a toxic marriage. Nobody is forcing you to get it on with other men for the remaining duration of your marriage. You are not hapless and unable to resist to advances of other men. You went along with this office romance before you could even make a clean break from the marriage your husband wishes to end. There's a lot you are doing to yourself that simply isn't working out for you at all. I cannot imagine how overwhelmed you must be feeling to be in this really tough spot. I just want you to know that you aren't alone in this. Please look very carefully at your own choices and discover what is right for you. Working through this will take time and patience but things can improve for you. Thanks.. you understood me correctly. i am going through a lot..lot of crying and pain and he makes me feel good and I smile when i talk to him about my problems... I think of him as a patient listener. At the same time, men tend to take advantage of women at this stage. Like he clearly says he wants to sleep with me to which I denied couple of times. He doesn't force me into anything but that is what he wants.. and that is what i can never give him.. thats overwhelming for me... at the same time, i dont want our friendship to end due to this.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted December 2, 2013 Author Share Posted December 2, 2013 And although I'd probably get flak for this: If pursuing things further with another man, your coworker or anybody else makes you happy, I think you owe it to yourself to carefully think about that. This includes taking the time to consider whether or not you want to continue the marriage and move on. It's important to consider your own wants and needs. I know that this moment romance is probably inappropriate but a day will come when you are no longer conflicted. Please invest in looking after yourself by taking the time to work through this. Again, you seem to be in a tough spot, but that doesn't mean your life cannot improve. I know that this moment romance is probably inappropriate but a day will come when you are no longer conflicted. Yes, i am not emotionally ready at the moment for any romance....when I am not conflicted means.. when I am divorced... but that doesnt improve anything in regards to him...he will still be married.......if he continues to be with his wife and with me as well....I cant do this to any other woman.... Bein a woman myself... I would not want that if my hsband is sleeping with me...he can sleep with someone else outside.... If my husband is not happy with me and not sleeping with me..probably I would not care what he does outside....but using two women at the same time is utter act of selfishness.... Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 (edited) If any part of you believes this man is targeting you because he perceives you're in a tough spot, remove yourself from the situation immediately. I'm not saying to do anything drastic such as get up and quit your job; simply do not allow yourself to be alone with him after work, if necessary. I just think that you should search for other people to speak with in general. Do you have other people in your life to speak with? I think now is a good time to work on building some peer support. You shouldn't have to confine in a man who makes it clear how much he wants to sleep with you behind his wife. Any man who would behave that way clearly does not have your best interests in mind. There are many patient listeners out there who do not attempt to take advantage of anyone. There are also different men out there who will put you first and not second place behind a wife. Never be afraid to question whether or not a person is right for you. As a friend, a friend who cares about you and is supportive of you, is this coworker a good friend? He sounds like a simple man with a one-track mind, who also so happens to be a good listener. There are other people out there who are also good listeners who would treat you better. Never feel as though you need to settle for being around those who aren't good for you. He should be considerate of your situation and he sounds very selfish to me. As for your marriage, It's a terrible thing for anybody to be treated poorly by the person you love. It's often painful and difficult to simply stand back and say, "I don't want to be treated like this anymore." But you are the only person who can stand up and be considerate of yourself. I hope that whatever is going on in your marriage that you look after yourself. You need to work through these difficult times first by investing in your own happiness and health, which should be a priority above new romance. Please hang in there. I know how painful this must but and for what little this is worth I hope that you reach a better place in life. Edited December 2, 2013 by ThatMan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 There is nothing to discuss with my husband. I wanted our marriage to work. I begged, requested, tried everything but he wants to separate. I guess I am vulnerable cos I am still emotionally attached to him. It was in spur of the moment that this happened with the guy at work. Well, if you're going to divorce, then you need to focus on that. Then, you need to focus on yourself afterwards. You don't need to be dating or even sleeping with anyone right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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