Author coolfriendlygal Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 If any part of you believes this man is targeting you because he perceives you're in a tough spot, remove yourself from the situation immediately. I'm not saying to do anything drastic such as get up and quit your job; simply do not allow yourself to be alone with him after work, if necessary. I just think that you should search for other people to speak with in general. Do you have other people in your life to speak with? I think now is a good time to work on building some peer support. You shouldn't have to confine in a man who makes it clear how much he wants to sleep with you behind his wife. Any man who would behave that way clearly does not have your best interests in mind. There are many patient listeners out there who do not attempt to take advantage of anyone. There are also different men out there who will put you first and not second place behind a wife. Never be afraid to question whether or not a person is right for you. As a friend, a friend who cares about you and is supportive of you, is this coworker a good friend? He sounds like a simple man with a one-track mind, who also so happens to be a good listener. There are other people out there who are also good listeners who would treat you better. Never feel as though you need to settle for being around those who aren't good for you. He should be considerate of your situation and he sounds very selfish to me. As for your marriage, It's a terrible thing for anybody to be treated poorly by the person you love. It's often painful and difficult to simply stand back and say, "I don't want to be treated like this anymore." But you are the only person who can stand up and be considerate of yourself. I hope that whatever is going on in your marriage that you look after yourself. You need to work through these difficult times first by investing in your own happiness and health, which should be a priority above new romance. Please hang in there. I know how painful this must but and for what little this is worth I hope that you reach a better place in life. ThatMan, Yes, i got your point and completely agree that you are right! I did feel he is trying to convince me as he knows I am vulnerable and he himself admitted that he is being selfish! He said he would be honest with me and not tell me beforehand what he wants. He accepted that he sleeps with his wife as well. When i thought about it, I found two reasons for not sleeping with me: 1. First, i cannot do this with anyone unless i have some feelings and he is committed to me. I told him this and he said whether he wanted him to commit; I refused. 2. Second, being a woman I know how it would feel if my husband sleeps with me at home and someone else outside. However , bad anyone's marriage is, no wife deserves to be cheated. If her husband wants to sleep with someone else, he should leave her first. On this point, i want to ask u all guys, is it easy to sleep with ur wife when your marriage is not working that good? And as for him about a good listener, yes i think he is and honest as well. And yes i have many friends, I am one of those blessed people who have lot of friends. In fact, he knows the overall picture but not in greater detail, he was one of my last friends I told about my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 I agee with ex pat what the guy at work thinks or feels is not your concern at all....your concern lies squarely with the guy you married forget the guy at work....or cause problems in your marriage .....that dont need to be there..self control is warranted....deb Link to post Share on other sites
ThatMan Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 (edited) On this point, i want to ask u all guys, is it easy to sleep with ur wife when your marriage is not working that good? There are some men who are able to sleep with their wife in a poor marriage. This comes easier for some and difficult to impossible for others. 1) You have insight into what works best for you. I think your first #1 point is important to think on in the future. 2) Chances are that your coworker goes home and sleeps with his wife. But I don't believe any of us know for sure. When people are selfish and strongly motivated to seek out passion and sex, it probably means they just want to get laid, with anyone. It'll be a different story if he was single and put you first, right? From what I gather your divorce is currently under litigation. The thing is, you don't need a piece of paper to affirm your love for someone, nor do you need to remove that paper to move on. You need to be emotionally ready to move on. It's painful for anyone to go through divorce and it's no insignificant thing. How you feel matters and you deserve to be happy. At a time like this it's important work through these painful emotions this first and foremost in order to be happy. When a man clearly just wants to get into your pants, and he wants to do this behind his wife, he's being dishonest. He's also selfish. Can you honestly say that this man will improve the quality of your life? What I take away from this situation is the simple positive idea that one day you can find somebody else who will appreciate you if that's what you wish. You don't need to settle for somebody who is selfish and inconsiderate of you. But you need to be ready for that to happen. So please continue working on yourself as you sort through this. Whatever pain you're feeling is perfectly normal for going through a divorce. Take all the time you need for yourself to be happy again. This will take time and patience. You'll reach what you're searching for. Edited December 3, 2013 by ThatMan 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 (edited) Get some help, please. And stay away from men. Forget this crush. Because he's seeing your flaws (for lack of a harsher word), and he's staying back. Your husband is the only one who loved you enough to commit to you, so if I were you, I'd get serious with myself right now and ask myself some hard questions. The above is what I thought immediately. I think this guy is looking at you and wondering if his wife is this easy with other men. He wanted to mess around but probably thought you would be the one to put the brakes on, but you didn't. I don't think he wants to go all the way with you and cheat on his wife worse than he already has by kissing you. Please stop saying this was a spur of the moment thing because you went out to be with him and be alone with him. Edited December 3, 2013 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 Thanks.. you understood me correctly. i am going through a lot..lot of crying and pain and he makes me feel good and I smile when i talk to him about my problems... I think of him as a patient listener. At the same time, men tend to take advantage of women at this stage. Like he clearly says he wants to sleep with me to which I denied couple of times. He doesn't force me into anything but that is what he wants.. and that is what i can never give him.. thats overwhelming for me... at the same time, i dont want our friendship to end due to this.... If you know he wants to sleep with you why do you continue to take your marital problems to him? Why are you not seeking help and support from a female? Why does it have to be a man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 I agee with ex pat what the guy at work thinks or feels is not your concern at all....your concern lies squarely with the guy you married forget the guy at work....or cause problems in your marriage .....that dont need to be there..self control is warranted....deb deb When you are friends with someone...it matters to you what they think....atleast for me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 There are some men who are able to sleep with their wife in a poor marriage. This comes easier for some and difficult to impossible for others. 1) You have insight into what works best for you. I think your first #1 point is important to think on in the future. 2) Chances are that your coworker goes home and sleeps with his wife. But I don't believe any of us know for sure. When people are selfish and strongly motivated to seek out passion and sex, it probably means they just want to get laid, with anyone. It'll be a different story if he was single and put you first, right? From what I gather your divorce is currently under litigation. The thing is, you don't need a piece of paper to affirm your love for someone, nor do you need to remove that paper to move on. You need to be emotionally ready to move on. It's painful for anyone to go through divorce and it's no insignificant thing. How you feel matters and you deserve to be happy. At a time like this it's important work through these painful emotions this first and foremost in order to be happy. When a man clearly just wants to get into your pants, and he wants to do this behind his wife, he's being dishonest. He's also selfish. Can you honestly say that this man will improve the quality of your life? What I take away from this situation is the simple positive idea that one day you can find somebody else who will appreciate you if that's what you wish. You don't need to settle for somebody who is selfish and inconsiderate of you. But you need to be ready for that to happen. So please continue working on yourself as you sort through this. Whatever pain you're feeling is perfectly normal for going through a divorce. Take all the time you need for yourself to be happy again. This will take time and patience. You'll reach what you're searching for. ThatMan You were spot on! To your question: Can you honestly say that this man will improve the quality of your life? I should have asked this question to myself but maybe I am too confused at the moment. Answer is NO... it won't improve my life at all... it might make me more miserable and hurt in fact. The only thing it could give me could be momentary physical pleasure. But I was not getting that from my husband since long , I loved him ( and a part of me still does!!) and I could live without his love ...so yes I can be without the guy at work too..... My divorce has been announced by my husband and his parents... I am going to move out soon in a hope that he will miss me when I am not around...so I still am trying to hold on .... that gives me more reason to not get physical with anyone at he time being... I have lost so much in myself...have to find out my old self again....before getting into more men-mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 The above is what I thought immediately. I think this guy is looking at you and wondering if his wife is this easy with other men. He wanted to mess around but probably thought you would be the one to put the brakes on, but you didn't. I don't think he wants to go all the way with you and cheat on his wife worse than he already has by kissing you. Please stop saying this was a spur of the moment thing because you went out to be with him and be alone with him. stillafool, I think he surely wants to sleep with me...I am very much sure about it...a woman knows a man's body language and those things... he is trying to convince me to be with him...m sure of that as well...and you are wrong in saying that I haven;t put brakes on him... its because of me the nothing has happened in last two months. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolfriendlygal Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 If you know he wants to sleep with you why do you continue to take your marital problems to him? Why are you not seeking help and support from a female? Why does it have to be a man? stillafool, I have lot of friends to whom I talk about....i have to do this to remain sane...I am alive only becasue of my frenz support. He is one of the few who knows but not every detail.... he wants to sleep with me but when i said no..he dint even touch me...and I respect him for that..he is honest with me...about what he wants.... Link to post Share on other sites
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