Boyfriend's female friend. Should I be ok with it?

[JBlackstone]

I'm curious on what people consider "ok" behavior between friends of the opposite sex when one is in a relationship. I ask because I have trust and insecurity issues and I wonder if my opinions are skewed bc of this.

 

My boyfriend has a female friend he's known since grade school. He says they've never dated, their families are friends (both own businesses in same area), and they live in the same neighborhood. I always knew of her throughout our relationship. But I've just met her, not because he introduced us but because we both happen to share a hobby and are enrolled in a class together, oddly enough. She's ok, not someone I would seek out as a friend but I'm nice to her because she's his friend.

 

For the first two years, of our relationship, she lived farther away but recently has moved back in with her parents, closer to my bf's house, so they've been seeing each other more often. He often stops into her business for lunch and she swings by his work sometimes, as well.

 

Up until now they haven't really hung out, aside from the occasional visit to each other's stores. Recently, since she's around more, he's started inviting her to hang out with him and his friends when they go snowboarding. This always happens when I'm busy with something else. If I am not working, my bf spends time with me. So one day a bunch of them are to go boarding and lo and behold everyone backs out except for her so the two of them go alone. I was furious. He doesn't see it as more than 'I wanted to go snowboarding and she was the only one who could go. Deal with it. '.

 

Last night he wanted to go out but none if his friends were around, she apparently texts him asking what he was up to. He told her I was at work but he would swing by. So he went to her house, chatted with her family, played cards, and had a beer. Then the two of them left to meet friends who were now available. Again I was furious. I got out of work and went and met up with them. She was excited to see me, actually. She hugged me twice and I didn't observe anything fishy between her and my boyfriend. Still it bothers me. I just don't like that he holds their relationship close. He also called her by a shortened form of her name which to me is too much like a pet name. He thinks I'm overreacting and that everything he did is fine and it's completely ok to spend time with her alone. He says he'd never cheat or disrespect me.

 

Thoughts? Does anyone have a relatable scenario?

[d0nnivain]

She's what I call a "pre-existing friend." She's part of the package. She was here before you got here & met the guy. If you keep this up, she will be here long after you are a distant memory.

 

Take the high road. Embrace her friendship. In your brain treat her like his sister.

 

He had years to date her but never did.

 

You admit that she didn't do anything fishy. She sounds supportive of your BF. If you play this right, you will get a new friend out of the deal. If you freak because she's a girl & force him to chose, he will choose her.

 

I have a very dear friend who's a guy. We're in the same business & talk shop mostly when we see each other but we are also good relationship sounding boards. We were friends before either of us met our spouses. We never dated or were romantic but we did attend a few things together when we didn't have dates: weddings, black tie business functions etc. It was just easier to have a wingman you didn't have to babysit or entertain.

 

I remember his first date with his wife. I emotionally "held his hand" in the days before, I was consulted about wardrobe & I got the replay. It was months before I actually met her. She was understandably wary of me but I assured her that as much as I loved her BF I didn't want to date him. I told him to make sure that he drew clear boundaries so she didn't think I was a threat. Years later she said that my saying that actually made her feel better. I even ended up going with him when he bought her engagement ring.

 

He'd been married for about 5 years when I met my husband & sort of jump started our friendship because I wanted a man's perspective. I knew it was OK because sometimes he'd give me his wife's perspective on my new relationship.

 

He & I have lunch alone together once or twice per year. Once in a while we might have dinner together but since he has kids, I don't feel right about taking up that time in his day. We probably talk once per month; we're friends on various social media. We've done it but it's a p.i.t.a. to arrange a double date. Our spouses don't have much in common with each other. He & I will start talking shop & they just get bored. They actually prefer we see each other alone.

 

Not every M-F relationship is based on sex & romance.

[PegNosePete]

So one day a bunch of them are to go boarding and lo and behold everyone backs out except for her so the two of them go alone. I was furious.

Well, what did you expect him to tell her? "Hey friend, our other mates all backed out so I am going to back out too because my gf doesn't trust me to go alone with you"? Really?

 

Last night he wanted to go out but none if his friends were around, she apparently texts him asking what he was up to. He told her I was at work but he would swing by. So he went to her house, chatted with her family, played cards, and had a beer. Then the two of them left to meet friends who were now available. Again I was furious.

Wow you better keep that fury in check. Really you are over-exaggerating massively. He went to the family house, played cards and drank a beer with her family. If he was alone watching a movie in her bedroom then it would be another matter but he wasn't, he was socializing with the whole family.

 

He thinks I'm overreacting

So do I. If you were "furious" at me for doing these perfectly normal things then you would very quickly become my crazy jealous ex.

[Iguanna]

I think that you have every right to worry. Our worries are not always justifiable but they continue to exist even though the logical side of us considers them irrational. You have to talk to your bf about what worries you - shouldn't all couples discuss about worries and insecurities? You have to ask him to ensure you nothing is going on. From his reaction you will understand if he is honest. If he is, you have to let this go.

[CherryT]

Whatever you feel you have the right to feel. However, think about your boyfriend and what his intentions are. She is a childhood friend where their families have known each other for a long time. So far it doesn't sound like she's interested in him nor is she stepping over any boundaries. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to be stepping over any lines either. To me, they almost sound like my cousin and I. Have grown up together but he moved away for a couple of years. Sometimes when I have no one to hang out with, him and I will go for a beer. We're family so it's slightly different, but friends who have grown up together can be completely platonic and like family as well.

 

You cannot expect your boyfriend to not have any female friends. When my fiancé and I were dating, I'd prefer to have his girlfriends who were around since elementary school. They knew him when he was going through his awkward teenage years and were completely harmless! If your boyfriend was befriending new female friends and doing this, it would be a bit different.