My son and stepkids issue

[BoristheSpider]

Hi everybody. Hoping somebody who's done the stepparent thing might have had similar experiences and can offer some thoughts.

 

My fiancee and I have lived together for 1.5 years. Both of us have kids previous marriages. My daughter is 16, my son is 12. Her son is 8, my daughter is 7.

 

Her kids are with us most of the time, except for 2 weekends out of three, when they're with their father. My kids are with us a few nights a week, often at different times because they're in a lot of activities, and the rest of the time they're with XW and her husband.

 

(Not sure if this is relevant, but my fiancee has a very difficult relationship with her XH, for reasons too complex to get into here. Fortunately I have a good working relationship with my XW and her husband.)

 

My daughter gets along fine with my fiancee's kids; she's quite a bit older than them so I think they see her as more of an authority figure than a sibling/equal; not on the same level as their mom, but more than just a sibling. Plus my daughter is very chill, and has babysat kids their age many times.

 

My 12-year-old son's relationship with my fiancee's kids is more difficult. Understandably, they see him as another kid, albeit an older one. Because he's older, no doubt they think he's cool and interesting. He, however (to be blunt), finds them annoying, messy, whiny, and feels like they always get their way when we're all together and he never gets his. (I should note that this is only an issue 1/3 weekends.) He doesn't tell me this, because he wants me to be happy, so he basically just lets things stew and seems to be getting more and more resentful. Basically they annoy him.

 

The reason I know about this is because XW (his mom) brought it to my attention this morning. Perfectly pleasant conversation and she genuinely wants it to be better.

 

My fiancee is quite aware of her kids' whininess and messiness and isn't just "letting it happen", so that's not the issue. And she really likes my son, and he seems to like her. But at the same time, she's sensitive to her kids feeling left out or getting second-class treatment, and doesn't want that, which I totally understand.

 

I recognize completely that part of this is just something my son has to "deal with". He's not going to get along wonderfully with everybody, and little kids can certainly seem like pests to older kids who are doing their damnedest to seem "cool" and having to interact with younger kids is certainly at odds with that. We've all been there as children; I've reminded him that his older sister certainly had her moments where she viewed HIM as a pest.

 

My son very much enjoys spending time with me, and really likes it when he and I can do things together. I like that too. I guess what I'm wondering is, how have other people in this situation dealt with this? I don't like the idea of my son getting "different treatment" than my fiancee's kids, but at the same time it seems that their needs are simply different (and her kids do have their own father, flawed though he is, who they see two weekends out of three without MY kids there).

 

Maybe I'm almost answering my own question, but is it reasonable for my son and I to have "us time" away from my fiancee's kids? Is that how other stepparents have done it? It's really a question of how people deal with their own kids, versus how they deal with their stepkids.

 

Thanks for the thoughts, anybody. Sorry to ramble.

[rach63]

If your kids aren't with you the majority of the time like her kids are, i don't think it should be a problem if you took them out without the others. Maybe find an activity that the younger kids aren't quite ready for to show your son that he is more mature and able than they are. He is probably having some difficulty transitioning from kid to teenager and may be a bit confused by why part of him still wants to compete with them for attention. Approaching puberty, kids seem to take things more seriously and if he's building up resentment toward them, he might blow up at them or you once his hormones kick in. It would probably help to have a boys' night so he can have a chance to bond with his step brother as a man. Good luck

[Elliotte]

Even if you were in a non-mixed family, you would have times where you and your son hang out for 1 on 1 time. You should not feel pressured to spend that time spent with your son is making your step children feel second class. Things will never be completely equal in ANY family, sometimes someone needs a little extra to get through tough times for them.

 

Hopefully your son will start to relax after awhile of getting dad time! It's perfectly normal for people to feel misplaced in a mixed family, and it takes years to settle, give it time and care where needed and things should work themselves out given enough time!

[slyk1970]

I am a step-parent to 2 now adult children. When they were younger I always encouraged the one-on-one time with their dad. I think that is very important and you should definitely set some extra time aside for your son and yes it is very reasonable to have that separate time. My husband and the kids loved to ski so I would arrange for weekend ski trips for just the 3 of them. Now that they are older they recognize the importance of those one-on-one times and often tell me how grateful they are for that. Good luck.

[glowing]

Your situation sounds very similar, and one that we have struggled with a bit as we blended our family.

 

My children are here the majority of the time, and my husband's children are with their mom and stepdad the same amount. We have different custody agreements so that some months we have the kids together on the same weekends, while other months may give us just one set of kids for the weekend. It's a little crazy, but it works.

 

My husband does take time to spend with his kids here and there, but he also does that with my kids. I take time to be with just his, and with just mine. We do a ton of stuff as a family, or divide the kids into boys and girls. It's not divided the same way every single time, if that makes sense.

 

I know that his kids have struggled with feeling left out because their stepsiblings spend more time with their dad than they do, and I'm protective of my kids because we are their only source of a 'normal' childhood. Their dad has been investigated a few times for being negligent.

 

That being said, I do work really hard to keep things as fair as I can. My stepkids went to disneyland with their mom and stepdad over the summer, and my kids have never been. But I won't take just mine, as that doesn't seem fair. So we are saving up for a big family trip instead.

 

When I take my daughter shopping, we pick something out for her stepsister. I cook with my stepson and oldest daughter. My husband takes the boys out on adventures. Stuff like that.

 

We try to keep it balanced as best we can, but it's just like any family with a wide range of ages...things the teenager want to do are different from what the 6 year old enjoys. So we do the best we can

[Elias33]

Luckily you have a partner who is willing to work with you and seems very understandable of the situation. Since the problem lies with your son, see this as an opportunity to talk to him a couple of times, exclusively. There is nothing wrong with exclusive time with one of the kids, in fact, they all need this from time to time.

 

Your son's annoyance can be looked at a need for guidance. That's where you come in. Explain to him that younger siblings are often looked at as annoying; doesn't matter if they are blood related or not. Help your son to gain perspective, and turn this around for him. He has a chance to be a big brother, instead of competition.

 

Highlight all positive aspects of a big family and teach him the values of being a part of a family unit. Your son will learn many valuable things once he learns to deal with these things. Just have a little alone time you and him, so he gets his needs met. Those will be also opportunities for your wisdom. Win-win.

 

Good luck.