Why can't I get her out of my head?

[r321148]

Hi all,

I'll try and keep it short but provide info; so a bit of background:

Together 7 months and hit it off really quickly. It was always a bit fragmented as we're both busy people so we'd only ever see each other 1-2 times per week but we were both really happy.

She went away for 3 weeks in summer. When she came back we went out 1 more time and had a really great day.

She invited me to spend time with her friends and family the following day but I couldn't make it as I was job hunting

The following day we were meant to meet up but she cancelled as she got stuck with her family and couldn't get away

The following day i asked her to come over and talk.

I told her I was struggling with the job hunt and might need to move away if I couldn't find something local. We agreed that neither of us would really have the time for long distance. She cried a lot and said she didn't want me to go. We said hopefully things will work out and I'd be able to stay. Then had lots of fun the rest of the day.

The following day she wanted to talk again. She came round and said she didn't want to carry on anymore. "the fact she wasn't prepared to do long distance showed her she didn't like me enough even if I do stay". She said she didn't want us to end up hating each other. I suggested we try being friends and she smiled and kissed me. She said "shall we meet in a few weeks for a drink" I said ok.

 

The following week I messaged her twice and she seemed ok if a little distant. She was due to start a new placement so I text her good luck. She didn't reply. I left it 2 weeks and we had another chat about our lives and all seemed friendly-ish. Then I messaged her again to see how she was getting on and she didn't reply. I waited a few days and then asked if she'd still fancy going for a drink and she didn't reply to that either.

 

Fast forward 3 months and I still haven't heard from her. I gave up long ago that I will ever hear from her again.

 

I have been doing everything the last few months. I got a new job (which meant I ended up staying and not moving away), picked up some old and new hobbies, dated new girls, started learning guitar....etc. My life is so full (and fulfilling) but I just can't seem to get her out of my head.

The first few days after the breakup really hit me hard (I suffer with depression) and the combination of losing her and having no job really got to me. Then once I got the job about a week after, I just got on with life and managed to barely think about her for the next 2 months or so. Then recently she started cropping up in dreams and in my thoughts. Then it was my birthday and even though I had the best day ever with fantastic friends, I was disappointed that I didn't hear from her.

 

I don't understand this at all. She isn't anything like my longest relationship (5 years) and even if she did contact me now (which I'm not expecting her to) she'd have to go a long way to convince me that she won't just disappear again.

Is this normal? Why do I feel like this? What can I do to get her out of my head...being as I'm already in No Contact and I don't use Facebook/Twitter etc?

Advice appreciated!

[emi]

There is no way, she will be in your head for a time, and the length of it depend on how much emotion did you invest in your relationship.

Dont be too discourage. It will fade abit everyday.

[haribogumsnickers]

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

[Knightosphere]

What emi said. You just gotta keep yourself occupied and erase all of her pictures and stuff. Time will take over eventually, slowly but surely.

[coolfriendlygal]

Its always hard to forget someone..even if you fight and misunderstand. depends on how much you are still attached to him/her.

Specially harder if you see the other person finding it easy to detach from you. you then keep on asking yourself: why Me? what wrong have i done. its difficult to come out of that cycle. I am going through the same and I know.

though i dont have any answer as to what can you do forget her!

[r321148]

That's why I'm a little confused. I definitely invested more in my previous ex (who lasted 5 years) and even the one before that (2 years). I got over them ok. I have no idea if she is finding it easier than me as I've not spoken to her.

 

This break up was weird though. We never fought. We never got angry. I wished her good luck and we finished with "it was good while it lasted eh?".

 

To be honest I don't even know if I want her back. I think I want someone a bit more reliable who won't disappear at the first sign of difficulty.

 

I've already got rid of pictures etc (well they are hidden and I have never been tempted to look). I don't use Facebook etc so it's not like I'm looking at her there.

 

I've done so much stuff and I couldn't really keep myself much more busy than I have been. I don't understand why I was fine for a couple of months and then bang she comes back into my head again. I just think I'm doing all this great stuff and I just end up think "X would love this"....I have no idea why! Like my birthday. My friends were so great and I had a great time but then I thought I wish X had wished me happy birthday!

[r321148]

True.

No idea what's got into me. I guess it's just the lack of closure. Both of my previous "long term" relationships went through the normal ending phase....growing apart...fights...loss of closeness....in one case cheating on her part. They were both at an obvious end point. One I ended (the cheating one) and the other she did. Both hurt but within a couple of weeks I could see that it was for the best.

 

This one. I don't know why she ended it and it seems so pointless now as I didn't end up moving away in the end anyway. I just kind of wonder what would have happened if I'd never mentioned to her that I might have to leave. It was all going so well and it just seemed like a total bolt from the blue when it ended. I know there's no point in thinking like that and I try to cut myself off every time I start.

 

Just seems strange to me that I was doing so well and then now I feel a little back to square one despite her not being in my life in any way for a while now.

 

Sorry for rambling. Just helps to organise my thoughts by writing them down and hopefully getting some comments.

[r321148]

hi r321148,

 

"how did this happen? why couldn't you see her family the second day instead of the first? you could have offered to make it up to her the second day."

 

The first day wasn't her family, it was her friend's family...I just re-read it and I didn't make that clear from the post....sorry.

Her family live some distance away and I wasn't invited. She has a difficult relationship with her family and I didn't really feel I could just invite myself over.

"oh dear. she pulled herself together, put on a brave face & then..."

 

something about how you reacted to her crying & saying she didn't want you to go, she reflected on it after putting on brave face & concluded you were telling her you weren't interested in pursuing things. (just what it looks like from here.)

 

She said to me that she couldn't do long distance. I agreed that it would be difficult but I said "I'm willing to try if you are". She said she wasn't but she didn't want me to go. She cried and I comforted her and said I'd do everything I could to try and stay. Then I said "well hopefully it won't happen and something will turn up". We then agreed not to talk about it and have a nice day so went out for the rest of the day carrying on as normal.

 

"why in quotes? did you actually say that to her? were you testing her? that's not fair play."

 

In quotes was slightly wrong. It's a paraphrase of what she said to me. She said that the fact she wasn't prepared to try long distance showed her that she didn't like me enough.

 

"she's trying really hard. good woman."

 

I thought she was trying hard too and was pleased that she agreed to be friends and suggested meeting for a drink. But then she blanked my attempts to be friendly

 

 

"so you jumped the gun saying you may have to move away, then you didn't, confirming any suspicion she likely had that you were using it as an excuse to end your time together."

 

I was trying to be fair to her. I was really struggling to find a job and it was a real possibility that I may have had to move really soon. I was seriously running out of money for rent etc. I only ever said that I might have to move and that I really hoped it wouldn't happen. I just said it so I didn't end up springing on her out of the blue that I was leaving. I would appreciate being kept in the loop if things were the other way around and thought she deserved the same. I was also prepared to try long distance even though I was really skeptical about it working out and agreed with her that we would barely see each other. I told her I agreed that it probably wouldn't work but I'd rather try than lose her without knowing. She was the one who ended it. I didn't make any excuse to end it, I wanted to carry on.

 

"tell her this."

 

I'm not sure what good it would do to tell her. I tried being friendly and staying in contact with her but she blanked me.

 

you're in love with her. she shouldn't have to explain or convince you of anything. you were testing her & you should apologize for that. but first, just make the move & ask if you can just see her one more time, & see where it goes from there.

 

How was I testing her and what do I have to appologise for? I genuinely and honestly was running out of money and there was a real possibility (even a probability) that I was going to have to leave. I got the job about a week before my money would have run out. So that would be about a week after the break up. That's why I told her. I had no job and only about 2-3 weeks of money left to pull me through and then I would have had to leave. Luckily I got the job so yes maybe I did jump the gun in telling her and this is a lot of my internal conflict. I always wonder what would have happened if I hadn't told her. But the alternative would have been worse....If I didn't get the job and I waited until I actually had to leave it would have been "I've run out of money I'm moving away tomorrow"

If she was so willing to give up and not even try a long distance relationship then maybe she was right and she really didn't like me enough. That's why she'd have to convince me that she actually did want to be with me and that she wouldn't just end things again as soon as it got in any way difficult.

 

when one person tests the other in the fragile beginnings, it gets misinterpreted as not being interested.

 

OK maybe but I really don't think she ever thought I wasn't interested. I said to her that I was doing everything in my power to stay around and that even if I did have to go I'd try my best to make it work. I definitely wasn't testing her.

 

 

j

 

I appreciate the reply but I think you've got the wrong end of the stick a bit here....maybe I just didn't explain well.

[JoelBarish]

r32,

 

The way she broke it off so quickly I would suspect she may have already met someone else and was looking for the chance to get out of your relationship.

However, I think her initial reaction to your talk suggests that she was sincere in her feelings of not wanting you to go. I think that it was as she said, she had feelings for you but not so much that she wanted to have a lasting relationship with you.

 

That is only speculation of course. You can't really know what happened on her part. All you can do is look at her behavior of not contacting you for three months. That's a sign that she was serious about letting you go so that's all you really need to know here.

 

Now, to get her out of your head...you tell me....what would it take? If you found out that she was already happy in another relationship would that close the door for you? Otherwise all you can do is gut it out until time washes away the feelings.

[r321148]

ack. i can't read your reply, it hurts my eyes.

 

Because of the format or the content?

 

 

To the previous poster. I don't know for a fact that she didn't have someone else but my gut tells me that wasn't the issue. For a start, she really doesn't seem the type and also I have been cheated on a couple of times before she didn't show any of the signs so I don't think it was that.

 

A bit more info: she has a high pressured job and studies alongside it. She is close to finishing and has important exams coming up.

 

My take on what happened:

I told her I may have to leave. She got upset and emotional. Then she did a lot of thinking overnight, didn't sleep and decided she definitely couldn't deal with this emotion along with her other stresses. She then freaked out a bit and put up an emotional wall to cut me out so that she could deal with me leaving right there and then before it happened. The time I was talking about leaving would have been kinda close to some important deadlines for her so I think she just went with ... if i cut him off now then I won't have this extra emotion close to deadlines.

 

Maybe that's wrong but it sort of fits....or maybe I'm deluded and she just didn't really like me. That doesn't entirely tie in with her actions running up to the break though; 2 days before she had invited me to spend time with people close to her, 1 day before she cried when I said I might leave (a girl who I'd never seen cry before) and on the day she hugged and kissed me right to the end where we said goodbye.

 

The reasons aren't really important now though. Like you said her actions since do tell me all I need to know. I want her to be happy and by not contacting me since, she is basically telling me that she is happier without me. I'm ok with that and I'd even be ok if she found someone new who made her happy.

I think the door is already closed and I gave up hope of her coming back a while ago now.

What I don't get though is why she came back into my head after being out for a long time. I love my life and almost everything about it. I've been on dates with some great girls but I just can't shake this girl from my mind and I end up thinking "you aren't X". I do great stuff but I end up thinking "I wish X was here". I have a great job and am moving up the ladder and I think "X and I could do some great stuff now I have money". I have great friends and they put on a great birthday for me but I think "I wish X had text me". These thoughts are pointless and I know it but they won't go away. Stupid brain!

[JoelBarish]

To the previous poster. I don't know for a fact that she didn't have someone else but my gut tells me that wasn't the issue. For a start, she really doesn't seem the type and also I have been cheated on a couple of times before she didn't show any of the signs so I don't think it was that.

 

In my previous post I said that initially I would have suspected there was someone else BUT her reaction of crying made me think otherwise.

 

You and other posters can analyze it, bounce it around, theorize it or put a spin on it but that isn't going to help. Bottom line here is that she told you all that you need to know here, her feelings for you weren't strong enough for her to continue in the relationship. Her actions since the break up tell you that she meant it.

 

You need to focus not on the past but instead on letting go.

Edited December 1, 2013 by JoelBarish

[r321148]

Thank you for the reply I do appreciate the alternative viewpoint:

 

maybe putting on a brave face again. are the difficult family issues you're aware of about any abandonments? it's not your obligation to find this out if you don't know already, because like i say it's moot now, but if you happen to know, it might explain what happened to some extent.

 

No as far as I know it's not abandonment. They are just very demanding of her and her dad has some health issues.

 

your anxiety was totally justified, & at the time the added stress of the relationship put you in a protective mode. maybe you can explain that to her.

 

i understand you weren't testing her, & you're right. i think you can tell her this.

 

some explanation of the dynamics is in order. ask her for some time. share it with her & wait to hear how she processes it. you both have the time now to think & wait.

 

So you think I should try contacting her again? I tried before and she didn't reply to me. I sent the messages on a IM so I saw she read them and then she blocked me. That suggests to me that she doesn't want to hear from me. I had been thinking whether I should contact her but I want to leave it enough time that I can talk to her without emotion and that I don't stir up any of her old feelings when she has important deadlines.

 

well she was put at a disadvantage & had to decide right away what to do. it's not a measure of her care, but the stage of your relationship which has its own course. at this point it kind of does start to look like you're testing her now, though you weren't before.

 

I kind of disagree with this. She didn't need to decide straight away...that was the point of telling her before it happened. Even in the worst case if I had to leave she would have had around 2-3 weeks to decide what to do. She decided she didn't want us to carry on whether I stayed or not and ended it right there and then. I'm not testing her but the sudden ending and the way she has acted since the breakup have done a lot of damage. I really don't think she wants me that much and were she to ever get back in touch (not that I think she will) she would have to go a long way to prove to me that she won't just leave again.

 

 

In reality I agree with JoelBarish.

This post was more about moving on. Like I say I accepted a while ago that she was gone. She said she didn't want it anymore so I'd accepted that her not contacting me showed that I wasn't the one she wanted. As far as I'm concerned I deserve someone who wants me.

 

I thought I was doing well at moving on and that she was more or less gone from my day to day thoughts but then bang. For no reason back she comes into my head. I only ever really chronicled the break up as I wondered if it might help offer some explanation as to why I feel the way I do.

[r321148]

Does anyone else think I should get in touch with her?

Maybe I just tried too soon before and now she would be more receptive?

My head is sort of telling me it's a bad idea but who knows? She's already back in my head so would more rejection really make much difference?

[jonsnuh]

Does anyone else think I should get in touch with her?

Maybe I just tried too soon before and now she would be more receptive?

My head is sort of telling me it's a bad idea but who knows? She's already back in my head so would more rejection really make much difference?

 

No. Do not get in touch with her. Read TaraMaiden's FAQ on NC. You do not want to go down that slippery slope and have to start again. you're better and stronger than that.

 

Do not let that heartbreak come up again. You have better things to do--you can feel better and bounce back. Right now, you need to rewire your brain and put this person out of your life-- she is dead and long gone.

 

I'm apologize for harshly writing this, but you will come to your senses to this realization in time. I believe in you.

[r321148]

No. Do not get in touch with her. Read TaraMaiden's FAQ on NC. You do not want to go down that slippery slope and have to start again. you're better and stronger than that.

 

Do not let that heartbreak come up again. You have better things to do--you can feel better and bounce back. Right now, you need to rewire your brain and put this person out of your life-- she is dead and long gone.

 

I'm apologize for harshly writing this, but you will come to your senses to this realization in time. I believe in you.

 

Thanks for the replies and the support...and no worries for writing harshly. No point beating around the bush!

 

I know I need to get her out again. I'm just trying to do what I did before again now and keep myself busy. I have so much on at work and so many friends and hobbies to keep me occupied that I don't know why I'm focusing on this one negative!

 

It's so weird. I can't work out why she went from my head and then came back! There doesn't seem to be any reason why she suddenly popped back in!

 

I don't think I'll contact her. Maybe in the future when I'm completely over her it'd be nice to meet up as friends but until then I think I'll steer clear.

 

I don't really see the value in writing her a letter. It's not the method of communication that's the problem...I could call her, text her or email her but the fact she blocked my IM is a pretty clear message that she doesn't want me to contact her.

I told her I didn't want to break up when it all happened and I tried to be friendly with her even after that. She knows what I want and if she wants that too then she has my number/address/email etc. I think the ball is in her court really and I think I have to assume it'll stay there and get on with my own life.