Possibly ruined friendship what is my next move?

[LilySun]

Me and this man dated briefly years ago, but remained in touch as friends in years that followed. Text here and there and had lunch oneday. So I consider him a friend more than I do as an Ex.

 

Last weekend we ran into eachother, hung out and talked, and from out of nowhere ended up making out and in bed. We didn't discuss it the next morning but there wasn't anything awkward between us from what I could tell.

 

Monday I asked how his day was, he responded and we chatted like any other time. He didn't seem to be acting strange or distant, but I guess texting only tells you so much. I didn't want to pick that time to say we should talk about it. But we did cross that friendship line and I think we should. I just don't know how to make that happen.

 

But now I am angry. I told him to have a Happy Thanksgiving last night and he hasn't even returned the gesture. I find that very rude considering he just slept with me. But I will be calm and not tell him I think so. I don't want this friendship to be ruined, but I want him to know I have real feelings for him now too.

 

What do I do? Should I text him to say we need to talk?

[Meadowgreen]

Me and this man dated briefly years ago, but remained in touch as friends in years that followed. Text here and there and had lunch oneday. So I consider him a friend more than I do as an Ex.

 

Last weekend we ran into eachother, hung out and talked, and from out of nowhere ended up making out and in bed. We didn't discuss it the next morning but there wasn't anything awkward between us from what I could tell.

 

Monday I asked how his day was, he responded and we chatted like any other time. He didn't seem to be acting strange or distant, but I guess texting only tells you so much. I didn't want to pick that time to say we should talk about it. But we did cross that friendship line and I think we should. I just don't know how to make that happen.

 

But now I am angry. I told him to have a Happy Thanksgiving last night and he hasn't even returned the gesture. I find that very rude considering he just slept with me. But I will be calm and not tell him I think so. I don't want this friendship to be ruined, but I want him to know I have real feelings for him now too.

 

What do I do? Should I text him to say we need to talk?

 

If you feel for your own peace of mind that you need to discuss it with him, then there's nothing wrong with texting him and saying "hey, can we at least...acknowledge what happened that night?"

 

I see it playing out in one of the following ways:

 

This dude is feeling confused about what you two are to eachother now and is burying his head in the sand until he 'gets it figured out'. Hopefully you'll get to sit down and talk like adults and who knows, maybe he's feeling something beyond friendship for you too.

 

My glass-half-empty negative self is piping up here however, and it's telling you to proceed with caution. There's also chance he's regretting sleeping with you because you're an ex, albeit from a long time ago. Be prepared for him wanting to backtrack to 'just good friends'.

 

If this happens, you need to think VERY CAREFULLY about your next move. Once a dude bangs you and then tries to re-friendzone you, there's almost always that part of him that will view you as 'old faithful', someone he can keep in the back pocket to roll around with when no one else is on the scene. It's also known as 'pressing the reset button' and it's when an ex or FWB drifts in and out of your life and expects to pick up with you where they left off each time, regardless of any feelings you may be harbouring.

 

It might sound harsh, but if homeboy says he wants to be just good buds again, I'd recommend that you NC his ass. I know how extreme it sounds, but if he pulls away from you I guarantee your feelings will intensify and you will feel utterly miserable. If he friendzones you, tell him that it's not an option for you to just go back to how things were, at least not for a while, and simply fall off the face of the planet. If he decides six months from now that you're the love of his life, he will move mountains to find you again. Trust me.

 

Now, I don't know this guy from Adam, he could be the most decent human being alive, but speaking as someone who's dealt with their fair share of reset button bull****, I can't stress to you enough that you must protect yourself and your heart and think clearly, no matter what he decides he wants.

 

Best of luck.

[LilySun]

Part of me wants to throw it all out there and just say I want to be with him again. But then I risk rejection. So if I do that I should be prepared to say we can be friends then. But, I would go NC at that point. I think thats a good idea.

 

Another option is to just go NC now. But I don't do well waiting for someone else to talk, not well at all...I get to anxious.

 

Other option is to just say I wanna talk about it. But thats when a guy thinks, oh no, not the talk...

 

I am not fully comfortable with any option...lol. And I would want to have the talk in person, not through texting.

 

I have a decision to make. For right now its upsetting and hurts me that he hasn't even told me Happy Thanksgiving. Regardless how he feels, I ahm surprised that he isn't courteous enough to do that. He is not a mean-hearted person, he is sweet and kind. So it shocks me that he is being this rude.

[elbe]

I think you need to take a step back and not give him the bag of potatoes until he's paid his wage. He isn't quite on the same page as you apparently but it might be just because you seem too easy (not sexually) -- but it's not fun without any kind of chase. It makes the prize seem more valueable if you have to WORK FOR IT. That's why mean girls have guys chasing them in circles.

[LilySun]

I think you need to take a step back and not give him the bag of potatoes until he's paid his wage. He isn't quite on the same page as you apparently but it might be just because you seem too easy (not sexually) -- but it's not fun without any kind of chase. It makes the prize seem more valueable if you have to WORK FOR IT. That's why mean girls have guys chasing them in circles.

 

I don't know if this common knowledge applies to him... years ago, I learned he isn't much of a "chaser". I remember initiating alot of things, and while friends, I observed the same scenario with women he dated after me... it's like he prefers that women do most of the work. He isn't an aggressive guy this way. Saw him go through several girls before he got married and it never appeared he had to work too hard for any, including his wife. They are divorced now because she cheated , and he had a really hard time with it. That has been a couple years ago now. He is an easily hurt kind of guy, I know that much so I'm not sure what I'm really dealing with here.

[elbe]

I don't know if this common knowledge applies to him...

 

The way I look at it (keep in mind I'm super single) - in dating you are really trying to gauge what kind of relationship you two would share. Sounds like this one would be heavily weighted on your shoulders to maintain. If that's what you are into then maybe you should continue to pursue in this fashion.

 

Without assuming anything: did you guys break up because he didn't seem to give a sh*t about the relationship last time?

[LilySun]

The way I look at it (keep in mind I'm super single) - in dating you are really trying to gauge what kind of relationship you two would share. Sounds like this one would be heavily weighted on your shoulders to maintain. If that's what you are into then maybe you should continue to pursue in this fashion.

 

Without assuming anything: did you guys break up because he didn't seem to give a sh*t about the relationship last time?

 

Nah. We younger, less mature then. We were just in different places in life. He wanted to be serious quickly, which I didn't do well with. He was also fresh out of a serious one (and broken hearted) and eventually realized he just needed to be single for awhile. I was ok with that, yet still liked him. We remained friends and almost got back together a couple times, but I still wasn't ready. Yet I hated seeing him with new girlfriends. So I don't know, maybe what happened the other night was just finishing something we didn't get around to doing back then. We just looked at eachother and it was hot from that moment on. I was not expecting it or planning it, so now that it happened I don't know how to handle it.

[elbe]

I think you first need to consider what you want, and then you need to make it happen. Whether or not that means turning this into a relationship will be for you to determine. If you do want to make something of it.. don't miss your opportunity.. whatever that means.

[LilySun]

I think you first need to consider what you want, and then you need to make it happen. Whether or not that means turning this into a relationship will be for you to determine. If you do want to make something of it.. don't miss your opportunity.. whatever that means.

 

Right now I know that I want to see him again, and feel it out from there. The other was so spontaneous that there wasn't a chance to think about how I feel. So I guess for now I just want to spend time with him again. But it would sound funny if I told him look, I'm not sure how I feel can we hang out so I can decide? Lol....how do I approach this...

[elbe]

But it would sound funny if I told him look, I'm not sure how I feel can we hang out so I can decide? Lol....how do I approach this...

 

No. You always want to front that you know exactly what you want. Go on a legit date [you already had sex]. Treat it like a date. If it sucks then you aren't missing out on anything special.

[LilySun]

No. You always want to front that you know exactly what you want. Go on a legit date [you already had sex]. Treat it like a date. If it sucks then you aren't missing out on anything special.

 

So should I ask him out? And does that mean I have to pay? Lol..

 

It sounds strange to suggest a date after having sex...lol

[elbe]

So should I ask him out? And does that mean I have to pay? Lol..

 

It sounds strange to suggest a date after having sex...lol

 

Ask him out. Hold his hand or something to make clear what is going on there.

 

Tradition states the male should pay but if he doesn't offer immediately don't feel burned by splitting the bill.

 

Sometimes sex turns into a relationship if the two are compatible but it's not necessarily the best way to initiate one. I'd say the best expectations to have are no expectations.

[LilySun]

I still have not heard from him after my Thanksgiving text, and it is still bothering me. It doesn't make me confident enough to ask him out. It makes me feel rejected already. So I think I will have to let time pass before I talk to him again. Am I just hurt too easily? I know that texts don't get answered here and there, but I expect a response when I wish someone a happy holiday. Today I feel embarrased and hurt so I don't want to text him

[elbe]

I still have not heard from him after my Thanksgiving text, and it is still bothering me. It doesn't make me confident enough to ask him out. It makes me feel rejected already. So I think I will have to let time pass before I talk to him again. Am I just hurt too easily? I know that texts don't get answered here and there, but I expect a response when I wish someone a happy holiday. Today I feel embarrased and hurt so I don't want to text him

 

So don't. Texting might as well be a sin. Call him and if he doesn't answer leave a vm asking him to do something specific. If you don't hear back at all then it is a resounding "No Thanks."

[LilySun]

So don't. Texting might as well be a sin. Call him and if he doesn't answer leave a vm asking him to do something specific. If you don't hear back at all then it is a resounding "No Thanks."

 

I know calling is better...but I feel too nervous to do it...haha. So I guess he will have to contact me, or maybe I will get some guts after a few more days. And again the fact that I haven't heard from him takes a bite out of my confidence. What if he is hoping I forget what happened? Hoping I didn't get the wrong idea or something? I hate to be negative but its possible. I don't want to make an a$$ of myself. Lol. But I know that he and I can't avoid this forever...

[elbe]

I know calling is better...but I feel too nervous to do it..

 

The bigger the risk, the better the reward!

[imtooconfused]

I'm sorry LilySun, but this one is a red flag for me...

 

and eventually realized he just needed to be single for awhile.

 

It sounds like at that time he was ready for a relationship, but he felt that you were not the right person to be in a relationship with. Fast forward to today... Whether he just wanted a hook up or was reevaluating his feelings for you, the night that he spent with you may have confirmed his previous feelings. Now he is gone dark. I just need to prepare you for what could be bad news.

 

But the only way to know for sure is to talk to him about how you feel about him and you need to do that in person.

[LilySun]

I'm sorry LilySun, but this one is a red flag for me...

 

 

 

It sounds like at that time he was ready for a relationship, but he felt that you were not the right person to be in a relationship with. Fast forward to today... Whether he just wanted a hook up or was reevaluating his feelings for you, the night that he spent with you may have confirmed his previous feelings. Now he is gone dark. I just need to prepare you for what could be bad news.

 

But the only way to know for sure is to talk to him about how you feel about him and you need to do that in person.

 

i tried that tonight. Said maybe we should chat about it sometime and he never responded. So f#k him. As of now, he is just another jerk to me and I am not happy.

[FarkasSusan]

Nice thread