Emotional Blackmail Drama Queen A.K.A my mother

[kelsey1974]

My mother is driving me insane with her emotional blackmail!

 

I will try to keep this short. I am XX and my mother uses emotional blackmail to get me to do anything she wants. In the past I have tried ignoring it, giving her the cold shoulder and yet she still tries it on!! For example, if I keep away from her and live my own life, she acts like I am being unfair, ignoring her and that her feelings are really hurt. When she does something to hurt MY feelings (for example inviting all my XX siblings to her birthday party but not me and creating tension between me and my sister, talking behind my back to others), she acts like it is someone elses fault, and when I confront her she starts crying saying things like "all the things I have done for you" and "I'll kill myself, I wish I was dead will that make you happy when I'm not here"!!!!....over time I have learnt its not worth the drama and end up just taking things as they are, and now she sees me as a pushover that she can manipulate, and it has become harder than ever to voice my opinion.

 

Thats the very shortest of versions, but you get the picture.

 

can anyone offer advice on how to deal with "emotional blackmail" from any perspective, it is driving me insane. I jsut cant deal with her anymore and become emotionally "knotted" whenever a problem arises.

[lostgirl26]

My husband sort of does this to me, it drives me insane also. His is a manipulation tactic though. If I were you, I would consider sitting down with your mom and talking about how she makes you feel. If that doesn't work then I guess you have to weigh your options on whether continuing to put up with the emotional blackmail is worth your health and sanity. Personally if it were me I would not put up with it, people who do that are enablers, enabling can lead to lots of other issues and they will always think it is ok to deal with problems this way.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by kelsey1974

can anyone offer advice on how to deal with "emotional blackmail" from any perspective, it is driving me insane. I jsut cant deal with her anymore and become emotionally "knotted" whenever a problem arises.

 

 

Kelsey1974;

Hmmm....we must of had the same mom cause that sound way to familiar.

 

There is only one way sir...you must distance yourself from her as much as possible and limit contact with her. Don't be mean or distance yourself totally, just see or talk to her in small doses at a time. Whatever you can handle.

 

The less contact she has with you the less she can control and manipulate you. Sounds like she is having trouble cutting the apron strings to me, but this is quite common with moms.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, you just described my mother as well!!

 

I am 33 and my mom still tries to treat me like I'm 12! Makes me so mad!!! I spent so many times so upset and taking her crap and this past year I finally learned how to slowly handle it and her ways. Thing is, these are not OUR issues, it is theirs and theirs alone. Try not to 'care' enough to react to it. The emotional blackmail is a control issue seems our mom's have. With mine, she loves the GUILT factor but Ido NOT allow her to make me feel guilty. You need to draw the lines in the sand and take back some control, pick the battles. It is so emotionally exhausting if you don't do this. My mom and I are getting along abit better but it is because I started speaking up for myself and TELLING her how it makes me feel when she says this and that...I mean I am an adult and she should SEE that, accept me for who I am, be proud of me. I now know I do NOT need her approval for anything even though she feels I should be asking for it. At 33 she has raised me and it is totally time for her to STOP mothering me as I am all grown up. Advice is one thing but control issues, knit picking and guilt trips, emotional blackmail is just plain petty!!

 

It does hurt alot but stay strong and know that if you stand up to her more and more she will back down and eventually realize that she has to MAKE effort to keep you happy and in her life, otherwise she will be the one who suffers from her own stubborness.

 

Good luck and keep on posting.

[Adunaphel]

If I were you, I would consider sitting down with your mom and talking about how she makes you feel.

 

I second lostgirl26's advice.

 

You could also start telling her "you are using emotional blackmail and this is unfair. please stop. I love you, but please don't try to manipulate me by making me feel guilty. It will only drive me away." or something similar whenever you realize she has fallen into emotional blackmail again.

 

If she starts crying, tell her that it was not your intention to upset her, that you'll wait until she gets calmer to resume the conversation. When she stops crying, resume the conversation. Do not allow her to use tears to escape a difficult subject.

 

It works with some people. Well, it worked for me with some people.

 

 

Be nicest to her when she is not using tricks to manipulate you.

 

And, can your siblings take your side?

 

Next time she talks behind your back to someone, once things are clear ask the person who was told bullsh*t about you to confront your mother with you.

If she is put in embarass and looks like a liar, perhaps she won't do these childish things next time.

 

---*eveil advice on the way*---

 

Or, if nothing else works, you could try to throw some emotional blackmail back at her.

 

I don't mean you really have to start emotionally blackmailing her. Just *pretend* to.

 

If she says

"I'll kill myself, I wish I was dead will that make you happy when I'm not here"!!!!....

tell her that she is the one trying to make you kill yourself by making you feel bad.

 

Next time she cries

"all the things I have done for you"

start making a list of what you did for her in the last years and tell her she is ungrateful.

 

Next time she does something that hurts your feelings make sure to tell her(and exaggerate a little). tell her she does not love you , she hates you or she would not do this to you.

 

Childish? perhaps. Cruel? perhaps. But tasting her own medicine might make her stop.

[quankanne]

I think there's one in every family, though not necessarily a parent. In mine, it's my brother, who pretty much cut himself off for about 20 years before contacting the family again (but only because he was upset that the woman he was divorcing him was the first to intorduce their daughter to our family).

 

he more or less told our parents that if they asked any questions about where he'd been or why he stayed away -- or anything he didn't want to talk about -- he'd walk away again. and my parent set the stage for his emotional blackmail by agreeing to his terms ...

 

fast forward a couple of years: my mom and I talked it over, and agreed that I'd be the go-between for my niece and her mom, and when the divorce was complete, mom would meet the woman without putting herself in the middle of my brother's problems. However, she died not long after the divorce came through, so she never got to meet her former DiL.

 

that whole time, my brother was acting like a complete shxthead, talking both sides of his mouth and trying to bully me into joining his campaign against his wife. I ignored him ... and became the target of my family's guilt-inducing phone calls for leaving a link of communication with our former SiL.

 

after going through a pretty bad spell of second-guessing myself and a whole lot of stress, I wrote my brother a long, long letter telling him that I knew exactly what he was up to, and that I wasn't interested in being blackmailed into his self-induced drama, nor was I going to buy his telling my family "you're going to lose me because of what quank is doing." I sent copies of the letter to my dad and my siblings. I also explained to my family that I stayed in touch with my niece's mother because I wanted to assure BOTH of them that they would always be able to stay in touch with our family even if something happened to my brother (an older brother died when his boys were young, and I kept up with their moms so that they'd know at least someone from our family).

 

that was about four months ago. No one's said anything to me about the letter, but then again, something must've stuck in their minds because I'm not being sucked into their crap anymore.

 

somewhere, I read that you could talk to someone until you were blue in the face and still have it go in one ear and out the other, but a letter commanded their attention because the written word is a pretty powerful tool. And I believe that!

 

so kelsey, seriously consider writing your mother and sending the rest of your family a copy of the letter. you might have to make many, many drafts before you get it to where it gets the point across but isn't confrontational or blaming of your mother, but it's definitely worth a try.

 

good luck, and don't ever feel bad or guilty about doing the right thing, even if it means telling your family you don't have the energy or time to put up with their bullshxt.

[annabell23]

My mother is a drama queen. She has always had an unstable relationship w/ me my whole life and it's cause her childhood was crazy. I am 29, happily married w/ a son who is our angel. I have tried to maintain a relationship w/ her. when i was 13, she attacked me because i had plans to go to my friends house, which she said yes too, but all of a suuden i could not go because she was having her freinds over. She use to fight w/ my father when i was young. she would have too much to drink, call hima a bastard and slap him, say they getting a divorvce, in the morning she would be fine..oh was it after the mornings after she locked herself in the bathroom as she was going to OD. this crap went on for years. well recenctly she went totally nuts, actually it was my sons birthday and guess what, my father called a midnight to ask for help. well i went over only living a mile...she was on the floor slamming back and forth. I work fr mental health..thought i was at work for a second..

 

 

oh hell this is too much to write...I understand what is going on with you all. is in it funny how we are all around the same age...she is always starting something to be the DRAMA QuEEn

[slinginit]

Kelsey1974, Whichwayisup, et al.

 

I feel your pain. My mom uses emotions, guilt, obligation, intimidation, and fear to get what she wants from me and my dad, and anyone else who stands in her way. I have stood up to her before, but made the mistake of trusting her over the past decade. My engagement announcement 2 years ago set her off into a tizzy of meanness against me, and the horrible person I've become. Without going into too many details, many of us on this thread are probably left with a lot of anger and resentment towards our "blackmailers" and perhaps towards ourselves for capitulating numerous times before. I'm trying to heal my internal wounds and years of repressed anger by seeing a counselor, and would suggest anyone else to do the same if they feel they're in an emotional 'rutt'.

 

There are 2 books that I've been reading that have really helped me:

"Emotional Blackmail: When people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you" by Susan Forward

"Toxic Parents: Overcoming their legacy of hurt and reclaiming your life" also by Susan Forward

 

Confrotation is good, and standing up for yourselves is NECESSARY for you to move on. However, understand the following (as I've experienced with my mom).

 

She is not reasonable; there is no amount of reason/logic that will make her see what she's doing to you.

 

Nothing you say will ever convince her that you are right.

 

Nothing you say will ever convince her or "get through" to her that she has done anything wrong

 

Don't argue or defend yourself. That gives her power.

 

Don't try to change her / expect her to change because of something you say. True change only comes from within.

 

Try to turn off your hot buttons. Believe me, this is easier said than done. If you don't react the way you used to to certain words, she won't know what to do or say.

 

YOU set the rules of engagement. Tell her what you will and will not tolerate. Do not ask for anything. Simply tell her that you will not tolerate disrespect, hurtful words, threats, blackmail, condescention, or being told what to do. If she refuses, be ready to walk away and never return. It sounds cold, but in all honesty the only way for me to heal is to eliminate the source of abuse from my life. It's sad that it's come to this, but understand I'm not 'reverse blackmailing' her, I'm simply telling my mom how I expect to be treated and what I will / will not tolerate. She has the choice of respecting that or not. Should she choose not to respect me, she chooses not to have a relationship with me.

[whichwayisup]

Slinginit, wow, you are SO bang on there!

 

I've learned to CONTROL my thoughts, reactions around her so yes, now she doesn't know how to react around ME! It feels GREAT that I can walk away or turn it off if I have to.

 

It's really hard and sometimes I slip and fall back into older patterns...It's a struggle actually during larger family functions - THOSE are the worst. I try and make sure we are not seated near eachother and I stay away from her conversation wise aswell, just so I'm not a focus...Kinda like that, outta sight outta mind with her.

 

It's really wonderful to know I'm not alone in this and so many others KNOW exactly what I've been dealing with and will continue to deal with. MOMS eh?? LOL!

 

Thanks for your input and we should share 'war' stories...Start a thread about it! I know I have learned not to lose my humour because some times we just have to laugh it off!

[Mz. Pixie]

I could have written each of your posts.

 

My mother had a personality disorder. I encourage all of you to visit http://www.bpdcentral.com

 

Lots of good info there on how to deal with someone like this. Wish I would have found it 20 years earlier!

[whichwayisup]

I wish my Mom DID have a personality disorder, it would atleast make it easier.

 

Personally I think (and I've talked to my brother and sister about it all too - they get it too just not as bad as me! Probably cuz I'm the youngest and my dad died 11 years and I'm alot like him!) she has things in her past - before any of us came along - that she never dealt with, in her childhood.

 

Some things just don't add up and her bitchness! OH man...But at the same time she can be so loving and giving yet the next day do a complete 180 and just spew out things that she should not be saying. I know she loves me, but I think she doesn't LIKE me sometimes. She has to love me because I am her daughter...I have to love her because she is my mother...But as two people- we do not mix.

 

Ha, she wonders WHY I don't want to go to dinner or a movie with her! WHY THE F should I when all she does is nitpick me and make judgemental comments?? Why would I want an evening of THAT? She just doesn't see it and gets all wimpy and pissy about it sometimes...I shouldn't do this, but sometimes I use my anxiety disorder abit to my advantage so I won't have to see her that often unless I'm in the mood for her crap!!!

 

OK wow, I did abit of a vent there, unexpected, but hey, it does definately help me when I can talk out my problems.

[Mz. Pixie]

How do you know she doesn't? Have you read up on them?

 

I always knew something was wrong with my mom, but it wasn't until I sought therapy that I found out what it was and that I didn't have the problem.

 

The whole thing that you said about being so loving one minute and not the next caught me right in the eye. That is exactly what someone who has BPD does. It's called a "hoover" because they suck you back in with it, just to slap you down again.

 

Seriously, I'm not saying she does but every mom on this thread sounds like they could have it.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by kelsey1974

My mother is driving me insane with her emotional blackmail!

 

hmmmm....KELSEY1974, we musta had the same mom!

[whichwayisup]

Seriously, I'm not saying she does but every mom on this thread sounds like they could have it.

 

She could, I don't know...I just think she has control issues, and loves to say what she wants when she wants and screw everybody else's feelings.

 

She does this with immediate family and two of her closest woman friends. Everybody else...well she's the angel!

 

Alpha, I feel for all of you on this front. All I know is I won't get sucked into it as much as I used to. SO many nights I'd come home from a family gathering in tears because of her words and the way she treated me. I've learned not to take it.

 

I can't blame her all the time for how I feel because that is my responsibility now, not hers. Only I can change how I react around her.

[fireman_mal]

As a perpetrator of Emotional Blackmail towards my wife, I am seeking any information or help in this area. Web sites, books written for the offender etc. I have read Emotional Blackmail by Dr Susan Forward and want to rid my life of this evil behaviour. Any help welcomed

 

Regards Mal

 

PS Seeking wisdom and understanding

[whichwayisup]

Mal, I'll help you as much as I can...No judgments here nor harsh words from me, so don't worry...

 

How long have you been married? Has something happened that makes you feel the need to be this way with your wife? (sorry, just some questions to get ya started, gonna need some input from you about your past) What was your childhood like? Relationship with your parents? Past relationships with other women growing up?

 

OK question period over...I can't really say too much until you post some more info, but what I can say is, it's great that you are aware of this behaviour in you and that you want to change it. I'm sure you love your wife very much and don't want to lose her. You are doing the right thing by making an effort now to change.

 

Would you be willing to see a therapist at some point to help you through this? Just wondering...

 

Post back soon.

[Firesqueak]

WOW, and I thought my mom was rough...

 

 

You know...when you're in that situation, it's almost impossible to start getting used to the idea of standing up for yourself.

 

At first, the thought terrifies you. What if she actually WOULD die of a broken heart?

 

Then, you get angry at yourself for even having bad thoughts about your parent.

 

Stoicism kicks in, and you mask yourself in a passive aggressive stance, and pretend everything's fine.

 

Suddenly, one day, your mom will say something totally obscene to you, and you will start yelling and not stop.

 

You'll feel much better after that day. ;-)

 

But, then the cycle will start all over...until you realize what you're enabling your mother to do, then take action on your new found knowledge and heal yourself.

[maybenow]

I just found this forum today, after searching the 'net for the last few weeks. I am a mid-30's responsible parent and citizen who just absolutely emotionally crumbles at the mere thought of having to cross my parents on anything. I grew up with what I now know is called Emotional Blackmail (Yes, I just ordered the book by the same name yesterday. It's on it's way.)

 

My husband says I act like an abused kid around them. I know they are going to hurt me; I'm eternally waiting for the next blow to come. And, I just want to f-ing hide and never have to talk to them again--but then I'd feel so guilty for having shoved them away (on top of knowing how "heartbroken" and "crushed" they'd be that I would ever consider treating them that way after everything they had done for me).

 

I know the best way to stop emotional abuse is to refuse to get upset by it and respond in a calm, mature manner. But, how do you keep from getting upset by it? How do you keep the edge out of your voice when responding to something? How do you "practice" to work up the guts to do it in real life?

 

Right now, I lie when I have to, play the victim so they feel bad for me when I have to, let my husband be the "bad cop" and take the blame for stuff when I have to. But, nothing I do is going to help fix the situation at all. So, I'm trying to find out if anyone out there has any ideas for even a first step for me.

 

Thank you for anything.

[faux]

Originally posted by kelsey1974

..."I'll kill myself, I wish I was dead will that make you happy when I'm not here"!!!!

 

Tell her that if she is willing, you could always find out. I know it's mean, and maybe not your style. If someone is being so ridiculous with me I usually just throw a lot of sarcasm their way, even with my mother;she doesn't act so silly, though.

 

People cannot use emotional blackmail against you if you show them that it simply does not bother you. I'm sure it would only take a few times of you completely ignoring your mother, walking away, for her to get the idea that her tactics are useless. My father used to do this to me all of the time. A few years ago I simply stopped caring; now he just confuses himself when he tries to hurt my feelings.

[pao]

Thank God for this forum!

 

I have been struggling all my life with my own relationships and it is only now that I can trace it all from my relationship with my parents. Both my parents give me emotional blackmail though my mom does it a little more than my dad. I didn't know that this was something wrong and not to be tolerated because I come from an Asian country where Drama Queens are the norm. As a consequence, I have very strong guilt feelings when I displease my parents.

 

I'm 27 years old now, and I am undergoing a major personality struggle because for so long I have shut up and accepted all the abuse my parents have been giving me emotionally, trying my best "ACTING" to be what they want me to be. But since they were away for 3 years abroad, I've had the opportunity to live my life independently from them and it's great to finally feel free to be yourself.... although the problem still comes back whenever they return for their yearly vacation.

 

I now live with my lesbian partner and though I am an adult, they still treat me like they "OWN" me and they "REQUIRE" me to come home to their place during weekends (without my partner coz they hate her), saying things like "We only come home once a year, couldn't you even spare some time for your parents?" OR "We're just not important to you anymore" if I beg off.

 

And since I've been "trained" by my parents to always obey them (add to that Catholic guilt about "Honoring thy mother and father"), my partner says that I seem like I have a split personality: one that is truly me, and the other the "perfect daughter" my parents want to have.... When I'm with my parents I always put on this act to please them, but when I go home to my partner I cry and complain about how difficult it is to deal with my parents.

 

I've just taken the first step: I wrote a letter to my parents a couple of days ago about the way they've been treating me to explain why I don't enjoy being with them. It sort of went well, they apologized then said we'll re-hash our relationship. But just today, my dad called me up and again wanted me to do something for him. I said yes automatically, and my partner and I got into an argument.... she claims that here I go again, "acting" like their perfect daughter and not drawing the line as to how much I should give.... It's a hard struggle between FEELING GUILTY and ASSERTING YOUR SELF.

 

I'm just thankful I found this forum, coz I don't have access to good therapists here in my country.... most of them will probably agree with the notion of "obligation to your parents".... even a few of my friends think I am selfish, totally siding with my parents' sentiments.

 

I hope I can find people here who can help me in my struggle.

[FGX]

Thanx y'all. I feel much better. After an exhausting 8 wks helping my mother recover from surgery and being cooped up in the house just the two of us, I thought I was going crazy. She has always been controlling, circumstances took it to the extreme. Reading this made me realise Im not alone out there. Sorry to say this, as I know that dealing with these women isnt easy, but it made me feel better. And reminded me that Im still normal.

 

Thanks a lot

[Masha_NYC]

Hi all,

 

 

I'm having a hard time with my mom... it sounds ridiculous to say that we are fighting over my private life, as I am 25 LOL

 

She sometimes claims I'm damaging her health, will cause her to die, have ruined her life, am ruining my life, will ruin both our lives, am a problematic, make unwise decisions, am making the wrong choices, am hurting her by making decisions about my private life... and more.

 

I was in a severely abusive relationship for the past 4 years. And this seems to be the new excuse to run my life "I was right about that guy, and you didn't listen to me"

 

Our last fight involved me being friends with gay men (she has a negative opinion of homosexuality)

 

Rather than becoming physically violent, she gets this EXTREMELLY DISAPPOINTED look on her face and tells me how bad my choices are and how she knows better and wants to help me, or else I will fail at life, and how she pities me.

 

Since childhood, I'm critisiced, blamed for family problems, blamed for developing depression and phobias and consequently not functioning, expected to act like a reasonable adult in my childhood, blamed for emigrating (I missed my dad as a child, and he was abroad), blamed from finding an abusive partner, and threatened with abandonment as a child (and now)

 

 

Since this is going on for so long, I'm afraid I lost my free will (I am like Norman Bates!!) and I automatically seek her aproval for everything.

 

I think the reason I seek her aproval is to avoid the pain she causes me (says I'm killing her, etc) when I make a desicion she disagrees with.

 

I'm now a living zombie for everytime I try to exercise my will I feel extremelly guilty for "hurting her" and "causing problems" so I don't even try.

 

I want to be myself someday. I wonder if I'll ever be able to

 

 

Hugs,

Maria

[boshemia]

My Mother can still make me crumble sometimes and I'm 33. She has a really unique way of getting me to do her bidding though, she uses my love for my Grandmother. My Grandmother raised me and I'd do anything for her... so all My Mom has to do is say that if I don't do it my Granmother will and I cave...

 

However I've learned not to respond to most of the games, if you stop responding at all they have to find another tactic. I refused to argue with her, I refused to even discuss it... at first she made a big deal about it. I would walk out in the middle of a discussion and she would go to everyone else present and tell them why I was wrong... including my husband, that went over real well.

 

However after awhile she started realizing that I would walk awayif she crossed that line and she actually talks to me now. We even got to the point where we ran a business together for the past year with minimal moments of strangulation fantasy...

 

At first I did have to warn her a few times. If you continue yelling I will leave, but after awhile they will either get it or find someone else to manupulate. I have yet to get this to work on my ex mil who still walks into my house without knocking and tells me how I will be doing things, but one step at a time right?

[Tland]

You can see my pathetic thread here.

 

I just had a similar battle with my overly dramatic mother less than a half-hour ago. I won't bore you with the details here. You can see it on mine, but she basically called after I put my foot down last night. They (she and my dad) didn't understand why I didn't want them coming up less than a month-and-a-half after we moved out of their house (long story, see post) where they continuously criticized my wife. I felt we needed some space and time to cool down where we could then begin to rebuild a relationship with them.

 

Tonight, she called sobbing, telling me how much I have DESTROYED her! How she had no will to keep on living! She refused to have any responsibility in any of this. How it's all my wife's fault.

 

She hung up on me because I didn't cave. And I have always been a people-pleaser, so they cannot understand why I would suddenly put my foot down...hard.

 

I called her back, and she continued to sob, saying how much I have hurt her! She will be playing the "victim" card for a while, probably.

 

Good luck. But, isn't it nice to know there are so many of us who can relate?

[whichwayisup]

What I've learned is we can only control and change our own behaviour. My mom is too set in her ways, so I work around her so the situation betters ME.

 

About to turn 35 years old, my mother still likes to "mother" me. She has control issues and loves to throw the guilt trip game too.

 

Set up boundries and stick to them. When she crosses the line, let her know she crossed it and that you won't put up with it. For example, my mom called me recently and started nitpicking at me. I told her to please not speak to me in that tone and maybe we should talk another time. Silence... LOL, but then she changed the subject and we had a nice conversation.

 

It is hard to accomplish, and trust me she still can push my buttons, but taking control over how I react to HER crap is the key. I suggest to everybody to not react unless it's actually worth the fight.