Emotional Blackmail Drama Queen A.K.A my mother

[Masha_NYC]

My mother said that she regrets saying "I can't make good decisions on my own" I guess she couldn't deny the absurdity of the statement.

 

I know she hasn't changed, though, cause she still views me as a cognitively challenged 9 year old, or rather as an emotionally challenged 9 year old, because she claims my having been in an abusive relationship somehow declares me incompetent.

 

But I'm definitely gonna try to ignore her, it's just really hard cause I am a pretty weak person emotionally and would need a mother who supports me in my growth, but oh well.

 

I'm worried what my next job will be as she has guilted me into quitting babysitting jobs (which I didn't plan to do forever) then I found a job as a translator and she made me turn it down claiming that it would interfere with school. But she does occationally suggest jobs to me that she approves.

So I haven't even managed to take control career-wise, which is really pathetic.

 

Now I'm sure you will think I'm joking, but she has complained that I wasn't more independent.

 

But anyways, I will definitely think about what you all are going through which is very similar and how we are competent individuals over the age of 21 and no one has the right to breach our privacy like that, even our biological parents.

 

Hugs,

Maria

[Tucoball]

I feel for you and have been subjected to the same type of treatment from my mother. Here is what worked for me.

 

First, I recognized that she thrived on emotion and needed to have it almost as if it were a drug. It is truly an addiction and when not satisfied she will do whatever it takes to get a fix. Creating turmoil, particularly within the family will accomplish that very thing. Better yet she can sustain this by pitting siblings against each other. This tactic has been what we term our mother’s “emotional rollercoaster” ever since she had us.

 

Second, by communicating with my sisters I needed to see if they too feel like our mother had held them an emotional hostage too. I would be curious to see if you find the same pattern as I found in my family. Let me explain. The three of us kids came up in the same house. Two of us recognized the emotional BS and chose not to perpetuate that behavior. One of us learned from the master and became a manipulative emotional terrorist like her mother.

 

Finally, I agreed that I would not provide the cars for her pathetic rollercoaster anymore. It’s not an easy thing to do trust me. In February of 2005 I lost my father to cancer and have had a terrible time coming to terms with the loss. I am battling grief to the point that I need counseling and even medication to control my anxiety. My father lived in Texas and mother lived in Montana. On a recent visit my mother grilled me about what was discussed in with my counselor about the loss of my father. It was near impossible not to show her the emotion she was starving for by answering her questions with as short as possible answers and keep my emotions in check. After that encounter my aunt called me to tell me she was disgusted with her sister for not being able to see the pain in her own child’s face. That day mom kept on and on and on. She was trying to get the emotional response she was craving. She did this at my expense. It wasn’t easy but I held it together and did not provide her with what she was looking for. She did get to me but I didn’t break down until after she was gone. My point is that she will continue to draw water from the well as long as there is water to draw. Once the well dries up she will dig another well somewhere else.

 

Without disrespecting your mother, do your best to cut off your mother’s water supply. Any emotion you provide will give her what she wants and that is to suck the life from you. Lend her an ear but don’t allow her to steal your emotions. Reserve those emotions for your husband and especially your children. Try not to let her make you feel guilty. Again she will use that to illicit the emotion she needs. You are an adult and have your own life to lead now and your mother will have to let you go. Don’t get me wrong, be there for your mother but don’t allow her to consume you.

 

Good luck.

[ConfusedGal]

It's so good to know you are not the only one. I have one too! I am a 26 year old married attorney, and my mother can REALLY get a reaction out of me. Over dramatic is an understatement. Now she has severe osteoporosis, which is sad, but she actually uses it to get more and more pity. Recently, I visited India with my husband (his folks are over there), and I knew my mom (who is originally from India but came here about 33 years ago) wouldnt be able to go any time soon cause of her osteoporosis so i bought her allll the stuff she wanted plus more. I was only there for 12 days and ran around shopping for her, CAUSE I cared and knew she wouldnt be able to come down.

 

So I visited my folks when I came back (always a frightenening experience, cause they are ALWAYS depressed and making indirect guilt producing statements.) Anyways, everything was going fine. I was sharing India stories with them, showing them pictures etc etc, we watched a movie...Gave mom all the stuff I brought... And suddenly at night, my mom starts howling... I was thinking "Oh geez, what did I do wrong?" So my mom is crying because "I dont hug her enough." Apparently, she says she wants me to be like "before" (I guess when I was 12 or something...) She always blames my husband for this "change" when all that has really happened is I HAVE GROWN UP!

 

The worst is, My Dad supports all of her crazy nonsensical crap, because he abused her earlier in their marriage and I guess he agrees with ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING she says to make up for it. So he like an idiot also throws in "Even I have noticed you dont hug your mom enough. YOu know, her back will break if you dont love her enough. Her health is dependant on you." GIVE ME A BREAK!!! Now I am responsible for her osteporosis, not her lack of calcium throughout her life...! And the worst is, you cant say anything to them!! Mom will keep crying, and Dad just makes stupid comments! There is no point! AGAIN, let me remind you that I am a 26 YEAR OLD MARRIED ATTORNEY!!!! They make me feel like I am 5, and want me to remain that way...

 

Sometimes, I think the only solution is moving far away. I live in the northeast so I am trying to get my hubby and me to move to the midwest. Friends tell me that "You will be happy your parents are around when you have kids. You will need help at that time." I dont know about all this, but I really feel the need to go away from them...There is NO hope for their behavior... Anyone have advice on whether moving away makes a difference??

[Tucoball]

I’m not sure moving away is the answer. You could gamble on the cliché “Out of site, out of mind” but at the same time it could also add fuel to the fire. By moving away you may open yourself to even more emotional blackmail (“You don’t call me enough – How come you don’t visit? – You moved away on purpose.”).

 

From your description here is what I see. Your parents can’t let go of you. Yes, they do want you to be five forever. They haven’t accepted the fact that they raised you to be independent and a driven hard working professional. They should be and likely are very proud of you. But they miss that little girl who needed them and gave them purpose. They miss her so badly that they can’t see the successful professional adult she became.

 

A couple of days ago, while making plans for my oldest son’s 10th birthday party, it occurred to me that my boys are growing up so fast. Right now they think the sun rises and sets on their mom and dad. We both love it but soon enough they will find independence and eventually move on to be with their friends and then become men with careers and families of their own. So we better savor every minute while we have it.

 

For thirty years I wondered what was my purpose in life. Then I had children and everything became clear. I was supposed to be a Dad. When the time comes to let them go I could feel like my purpose for living is gone. But then I will miss watching them become the parents we tried to be and never had. Deep down I will miss the day that they believed with every bit of their tiny little hearts that their daddy could hit a baseball into the next state or that their mommy actually did control what time the sun went down.

 

Your mom needs to let you go and be proud of her success as a mother evident by what you have become. Your dad needs to do the same thing and now focus on being the husband your mom needs. He needs to take care of her, not you. Your mom will control what time the sun sets and your dad will be able to hit a baseball into the next state again. That is, just as soon as the grandchildren arrive.

 

They may not realize that they are pushing you further away. It sounds like that is their worst fear. I don’t know how receptive your mom and dad might be. Only you would know that. Assuming they can be receptive, I would be honest with them and let them know how I felt. It might be the gentle slap that brings them back to reality.

[ConfusedGal]

Thanks for your response Tucoball. You make great points, and I understand your thinking. However, you make my parents sound rational, and rational they are not...Honestly, if I visit them, and its healthy, meaning normal, meaning my "hugs" are not counted, and every little thing I say is not examined, and I am constantly not given indirect comments about other parents daughters etc, perhaps I would go more often. My mother always cries for no reason. My parents are NOT receptive to "telling them how I feel." Mom's straight out thoughts are that I have been brainwashed by my husband. There IS no logic here... That is the sad part...

 

When we went to India recently, we put a down payment on a new car for his folks, cause they have gone through a LOT of financial problems and havent been able to buy a new car, even though they have one that is completely broken down and keeps breaking down on the road. Its something my husband really wanted to do. Anyways, when I came back I told my Mom about this, cause I knew she would find out, and if she didnt know before, she would accuse me of hiding stuff. I am so glad I did, cause next thing my MIL was telling my mom on the phone how she was so happy cause the kids bought her the car (even though we just put a 4k down payment.) So if I hadnt told her, she would have freaked. So afterwards she starts saying "Oh thats so sweet of you guys. Maybe one day my kids will do that for me." ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! WE LIVE HERE! We do things ALL THE TIME for Birthdays anniversaries Christmas etc. We take them out for dinners, buy gifts etc. Now I keep getting the indirect comments about daughters who give their parents money and support their parents financially all the time. Funniest thing is, my mom HATED sending money to her inlaws when my Dad wanted to, and used to say "Parents shouldnt expect money from kids." ANd now ALWAYS makes indirect comments about kids suporting their parents.. Talk about double standards.

 

The future could be really good when I have kids. Perhaps having grandkids will give them a brighter outlook. OR they could get WAY too possessive of their grandkids. I dont know. Either way, thats a good two years away, but right now, I really find the need to move away, and experience what its like "building my own world" without my mom having a say on everything and then crying all the time saying she has no say. BTW, I have an older brother, who lives on the West Coast since he has been 18. (He is 32) He comes home once a year at Christmas. My 32 year old brother calls my mother like 3 times a day (he isnt married) and talks to her like he is a 3 year old child. Its sick, but he just does what he knows she will like...I live here. I cant do that all the time... And the worst is, I always get to hear "how caring" my brother is... ARGH!

[Curmudgeon]

you are under no obligation, whatsoever, to permit others to hurt you emotionally or in any other way. You can take charge and disengage from your mother. Being a blood relative does not entitle her to be toxic towards you and she can only do so with your cooperation and permission.

 

I would remove both of those!

[ConfusedGal]

Unfortunately, a lot of my issue and inability to disengage myself comes from cultural boundaries. I am first generation Indian-American. Indian culture, parents expect their kids to "take care" of them. My parents kind of "warp" the whole idea and take it 100 steps further to adjust it to what they think that means...And the worst is, anything that you say, my mom REALLY does get sick!!! She is SO sensitive to anything she thinks is stress! One little thing and she is up all night and then she is like "I am so scared of you, I couldnt sleep all night." And this is after I REALLY dont say anything! Argh, I get so aggravated when I think about this stuff. Like I said, just makes me want to move farrrrrrrrrrrr away.