A friend that I want something more with...

[kate-123]

Okay, this is going to be a long post but I’ll keep it as concise as possible! I’m really stuck and I’m not sure what to do – in desperate need of some advice/suggestions.

 

Three years ago, at the start of 2011, I met this guy (we’ll call him P). We were both moving on college at uni at the same time so we chatted for a bit. I didn’t really see or speak to him much over the year from what I remember. Towards the end of the year, he got my number as I was helping him out with one of our classes. We started texting a bit and getting to know each other a bit better, but nothing serious. I developed a bit of a crush on him, but then I found out he had recently got a new girlfriend so I backed off.

 

Over the summer break, we spent a fair amount of time together – not alone though, just drinking with friends. One day he called me and asked if I wanted to have dinner with him. I said sure, why not, so he made me dinner and then we drank with friends again. At the end of the night he offered to walk me home (it was about a minute walk to my flat). When we got to my place he asked if he could stay with me and got into my bed. He still was with his girlfriend so I wasn’t really comfortable with it, but he insisted. So I let him stay with me but said there’d be no sex. As we were lying in bed he confessed that I’m one of his best friends and that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I reminded him that he already had a girlfriend and he said he wanted to break up with her. I said that we’d talk about it the next day when we were both sober. We didn’t talk about it the next day though.

 

A few weeks later he broke up with his girlfriend and then went a bit off the rails with alcohol, so I lost interest. The new uni semester started, he met a new girl and they started a relationship. We spoke about their relationship a few times over the months and he really seemed to love her. He had a history of cheating on his girlfriends but he proudly told me that he hadn’t yet cheated on her. A few months later, they broke up because she had cheated on him and then he cheated on her in retalitation. He was a mess after the break up and I find it real turn-off – he was drunk for weeks afterwards.

 

Eventually, he leveled out again and went back to the guy I liked. By then, however, I was in a relationship so I wasn’t really interested. At the start of this year I broke up with my boyfriend (in March). A month later I started to talk to P again properly, and the feelings for him came flooding back. We were out one night for his birthday and I told him that I had feelings for him. He was surprised and didn’t think I liked him. I asked him out but said we’d talk about it when we were sober. That night we fooled around a bit and he also asked me out. The next morning, however, I freaked out for some reason. I changed my mind about asking him out, worried about his problems with alcohol and his terrible reputation for cheating. A week later, however, I decided that we had enough trust between us for that not to be an issue. In response though, he said that he didn’t think it was a good idea at the moment because he has a lot of issues at the moment and didn’t want to hurt me.

 

Another week after he said that, he was in a relationship with another girl. I was pretty disappointed and I thought the best way to protect myself was to remove him from my life. When I told him I didn’t want to talk to him anymore however, he was distraught and convinced me not to. Since then, we’ve maintained contact but only really general stuff about our classes, etc.

 

He has also spoken to me about issues he has in relationships. One night he told me that he wanted to break up with his girlfriend because he doesn’t care about her anymore. The next day I thought it was appropriate to make him aware of my ongoing feelings for him, if he was ever interested in the future. He told me that they sorted their issues out and he’s still very happy in his relationship. After that, I let it go. I came to terms with the fact that he had chosen her over me at the start, and there’s no reason for that to change. My feelings began to diminish and I was getting on with everything.

 

One day he sent me a message saying that he had a sex dream about me. He then proceeded to use me as ‘inspiration’ whilst masturbating after we spoke about fantasies and how he feels restricted I relationships. Stupidly, this reignited my feelings for him and I haven’t been able to let go of him since. I’m so angry at myself. He chose her, and I really don’t want to be with him knowing that I was the second option. I don’t want to wait around for him. I want him to be happy in his relationship, and I want to move on to a relationship of my own. But I just can’t seem to be able to do it! I need some tips on how to overcome this again. To be completely honest, I’m not even 100% sure of what it is about him I find so attractive…

 

What’s really got be annoyed today is that he’s been joking about wanting to ‘get to know’ my sisters. I know he’s only saying it as a joke, but it still rubs me the wrong way. He knows exactly how I feel about him, and I find it disrespectful to himself, his girlfriend, and me, to talk that way.

 

The worst part of it all is that I've only connected with someone on all three levels (emotionally, intellectually, and physically) once before other than this. It's not something I want to throw away, but I feel ridiculous waiting around...

 

Please help!

[haribogumsnickers]

Don't wait any longer. Make the move he won't and tell him exactly how you feel about him. Go from there and don't have expectations. If it doesn't pan out to your liking, then just sex him goodbye.

[Knightosphere]

This is going to sound harsh but you need to walk away at once and NC. The longer you stay and do more wishful thinking, the more you'll get hurt with his instability and indecisiveness. So just save yourself some trouble and time and go out and meet new people. There will be someone better than him out there.

[Meadowgreen]

You know, you sound like an incredibly switched on, caring and lovely person and it cuts me up a little bit to read your story. It’s no wonder you’re feeling so conflicted with the run-around this assclown has been giving you.

 

I'll tell you exactly how this guy has gotten so far under your skin. It’s not because he’s brilliant, or your soulmate, or even remotely special, it’s because he knows what buttons he can press with you and gets off on the idea of you wanting him. All this time he's been flirting with you and feeding your ego just enough to keep you hanging on, and he’s gotten so good at it that he probably doesn’t even realise he’s doing it. Stringing women along is a natural talent he just has. He sees all of us females as bit-part characters in the 90210 marathon that is his life (honestly, he’s PROUD he went a few lousy months without cheating on someone? Wow, what a hero. Get that boy a medal for managing to do what millions of functioning members of society do for years, sometimes their whole lives!)

 

The reason you’re so swept up in all of this is because he keeps hitting the ‘reset button’ on you. You guys flirt, you hang out, he hints that he fancies you too (and why wouldn’t he, you sound awesome), and then he gets with some other chick and you get shoved aside. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Sometimes it’s hard for us mere mortals to accept that true love can be something that happens simply without mess, without upset and without mindgames. This dude has gotten you drunk on the drama he creates out of nowhere – it’s amazing how many people are determined to live this soap opera lifestyle of ‘will we won’t we?’, don’t you think? Casually going back on things they’ve said to a person they claim to care about, as if the words meant nothing.

 

I think you deserve a real pat on the back for stepping off whenever he has a girlfriend on the scene. Not only does that show immense respect on your part, but it means that you’re willing to establish boundaries, not only for their sake but your own. You might not realise it, but there’s a limit to the bull**** you’re willing to stomach from this wannabe Lothario.

 

I also think he’s being incredibly hurtful and disrespectful making remarks about your sisters. If you guys were strictly platonic friends, that’s one thing, but he has to be a complete dunce if he doesn’t think this would hurt you in some way. Honestly? I think a part of him loves getting a reaction from you. Ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone who would toy with your heart this way?

 

My advice? NC his ass right now. Fall off the face of the planet. Disappear from his life and put enough distance between you for him to realise what he’s missing. Right now he’s an immature, cruel little boy, and if he’s ever to grow into the man you DESERVE, he needs to realise he’s ****ed up and this shoddy behaviour is just NOT acceptable.

 

I’ve been through a very similar scenario to you, my love, and it took me 10 YEARS to cut the douchebag loose (you can read all about it here)

 

Like this guy, he gave me so many mixed signals I was sent into a tailspin. Like this guy, he thought it was highly amusing to remind me of all these other women he was banging that WEREN’T me, knowing deep down how terrible that would make me feel.

 

I can’t even tell you how many tears, thoughts and sad nights I wasted wondering about him, lamenting his absence and hoping against hope that he would wake up to the fabulous woman he let slip through his fingers. Don’t let this idiot waste your time too.

 

Best of luck.