ridinbikes247 Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 . I believe your past reflects who you are and how you act. I also believe if you lie about your past, or leave out details that is a huge red flag. I've been dating this girl for over a year now. We have got along great. Her past has become an issue and I'd like to get opinions. Long story short. Shes 26 and supposedly been in 3 long term relationships. She has a 4 year old son. She's told me shes never cheated nor never hooked up with guys for one night stands. She also said she never went to bars and don't like drinking....well, a few weeks ago she left her Facebook up had messages. I checked them. I found nothing to indicate she has talked to other men in our relationship but before we met I noticed she was messaging guys ALOT. Around 15 guys. That's what bothers me. She had a b/f so why would she message guys asking to meet up and get a beer. Or come over and hang out. I confronted her and her alibi is "well my boyfriend was being mean and we took a break so I felt lonley and messaged guys and they would meet and have a beer at the local bar" ..... it just bothers me because now I feel like she's lied about her past and actually has had a lot of sexual partners because she seems to feel lonely. She also lied about drinking and bars because evident ally she use to meet guys at bars and drink .... or maybe she just liked the attention and actually is a good girl.. just confused Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 This is what happens when one snoops. I agree with you that lying is bad. In her mind, she probably meant that she didn't make a habit of going to bars meaning she wasn't in one all the time, it wasn't her usual stomping grounds. It's hard to believe that at 26 somebody had never been in a bar. If you see a pattern of previous cheating, that can be an indicator of future cheating You will need to keep your eyes & ears open. I don't think that withholding info is bad unless it's material & responsive to a question that was asked. I'm simply saying that in a new relationship neither party is required to spontaneously disclose all their dirty laundry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 I think it's the lying what it gets many people to question the relationship but at the same time what woman would freely give out her information and said ''Oh yeah one time I did went into a wild phase after a break-up and you know went to bars and slept around a bit'' knowing there is a lot of shaming for women with wild past and they're put in the ''Be single forever, no one will be in a relationship with you'' category. Even the guys that are wild themselves, would also shamed her if one of his friend or someone else is considering dating her. This is where the women with a past like that lie. They probably don't want to be single forever and actually have the same chance some reformed players have with women who are more accepting of their past. Link to post Share on other sites
Under The Radar Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 This is what happens when one snoops. I agree with you that lying is bad. In her mind, she probably meant that she didn't make a habit of going to bars meaning she wasn't in one all the time, it wasn't her usual stomping grounds. It's hard to believe that at 26 somebody had never been in a bar. If you see a pattern of previous cheating, that can be an indicator of future cheating You will need to keep your eyes & ears open. I don't think that withholding info is bad unless it's material & responsive to a question that was asked. I'm simply saying that in a new relationship neither party is required to spontaneously disclose all their dirty laundry. I agree with this post. I don't see her actions as a deal breaker at this stage. However, that doesn't mean don't be cautious or retract your common sense antenna. I'd give her the chance and some more time if everything else seems to be going well for the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Best thing to do is listen to what she has to say. Most of the time, a lot of people skip over things that they don't find interesting or important and they miss a lot of clues to what make that person tick. If you listen, they will give you hints about who they really are without just spilling everything out. So keep your ears open and your eyes above her neck and you'll find out more. Then you can make your mind up if this is the right girl for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ridinbikes247 Posted November 29, 2013 Author Share Posted November 29, 2013 would this be considered a red flag? After confronting her about the guys she messaged asking to meet up for drinks she told me to message the guys and they will admit all they did was meet up for a few drinks. I actually messaged 3 out of the 15-20 and they all ignored me.why would they ignore me if their was nothing to hide. And why does she insist I message them. Immature I know but after my wife left me for another man 2 years ago I've had trust issues.... Link to post Share on other sites
elbe Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 You need to stop being so insecure. If she's not doing it with you then it's none of your business. Stop creeping up on her facebook or you will lose her. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 would this be considered a red flag? After confronting her about the guys she messaged asking to meet up for drinks she told me to message the guys and they will admit all they did was meet up for a few drinks. I actually messaged 3 out of the 15-20 and they all ignored me.why would they ignore me if their was nothing to hide. And why does she insist I message them. Immature I know but after my wife left me for another man 2 years ago I've had trust issues.... Gee, I don't know...Because you messaging strangers and asking about your girlfriend makes you look nuts? What she did in her past isn't your business. If I got a weird, random message like that, I wouldn't reply either. It's creepy, OP. Don't hold your current girlfriend hostage for your wife's mistakes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted November 29, 2013 Share Posted November 29, 2013 Gee, I don't know...Because you messaging strangers and asking about your girlfriend makes you look nuts? What she did in her past isn't your business. If I got a weird, random message like that, I wouldn't reply either. It's creepy, OP. Don't hold your current girlfriend hostage for your wife's mistakes. Yeah I agree with this. At the same time, her past behavior is a bit of a red flag. I dont think having some casual sex or going to bars is a red flag, but the bit about meeting up and going out for drinks with other single guys while in a relationship is. She was going thru a moody phase with her bf, so she seeks solace in the company of other guys. Nothing sexual may have gone down, but who knows, when there is alcohol involved and she is feeling lonely & neglected. It just would give a potental new bf uneasy feeling that the same thing will repeat when there is a rough patch in their relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted November 30, 2013 Share Posted November 30, 2013 So just to be clear, she said she did not sleep with any of the 15 guys you saw? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ridinbikes247 Posted December 2, 2013 Author Share Posted December 2, 2013 She claims she has not done Amy of them. I think what botherse most is when we first met she said I was a Facebook whore and accused me of messaging girls . Now here we are a year later and I found out she messages guys when her relationships were going through hard times. She said she wouldn't message guys if we went through hard times because she wasn't truly in love with her ex's and was young and dumb, so it was easy for her to message random guys . . I called her a hypocrite for always accusing me to be a Facebook whore when she clearly was messaging a ton of guys when her past relationships were having trouble. Link to post Share on other sites
Maggotface Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Yes, her PAST relationships not yours it was between her and her ex(s), has nothing to do with you so get off her back. I would have left your insecure crazy butt by now, not even worth the hassle. Seriously, going through her facebook and messaging guys asking if she messed around with them before she even knew you!? If you're so concerned with her number of partners why dont the both of you get tested for peace of mind, and if it's about the lying just give her the benifit of the doubt, if she was lying I doubt she'd tell you to go ahead and message these random dudes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ridinbikes247 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Share Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) Update.... I understand I looked at her messages. She left it up on the computer. Its not like I stole her password and wanted to do so. Basically when we met last year she made her self seem like an angel with respect and very good morals. She constantly said I was a male whore and player for the first few months . When we first had sex she told me on her free will she hasn't had sex in 8 months and she isn't "experienced" ...... now fast forward to 12 months later a few guys have messaged me. The same guys she told me to message and ask have messagede and admitted they took her out and got her drunk while she was having boyfriend problems. And they all hooked up with her. When I confronted her she got defensive at first saying " who cares I was drunk and lonely and I wanted to have fun to get her boyfriend off her mind. She even was hooking up with guys a week before she met me..... so now I feel lied to. ... she always called me a male whore to hide her own guilt. I understand its the past but its embarrassing knowing she hooks up with guys when her relationships have troubles. And it took me a year to find out Edited December 4, 2013 by ridinbikes247 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Well, I guess you have 3 choices then. 1) Carry on and hope for the best 2) Dump her for her past behaviour (which may be an indicator of future behaviour) 3) Tell her that you'll forgive her lies but if she behaves like this with you during any "relationship issues" then it will be over there and then with no second chances Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted December 6, 2013 Share Posted December 6, 2013 Okay another case of 'trickle truth' and false accusations to offset guilt of doing the same thing. I thought it was a bit wacky to contact these other guys, but at the same time I get why you were curious as to her true nature which seem to conflict with how she painted herself. These snooping cases generally make the person appear as untrusting & insecure & controlling, but when positive proof shows up, suddenly the paranoia/snooping is justified. She hasn't cheated on you, but at the same time this situation has uncovered a different perspective of her real nature. She cheats when she feels neglected or unhappy in a relationship, and she gets her fulfillment not with an ongoing affair but with a swag of different guys. That's hardly an ideal background for you to feel secure in your future together (discounting the fact that she says she was in a crappy relationship). The cherry on top though is the fact that she went out of her way to present herself as wholesome when she wasn't and at the same time criticize you for being a whore. These guys may just be yanking your chain for kicks, but you should get a feel for that on the phone. If she was my gf I would have lost trust and wouldn't see a long term future. Its up to you though. Link to post Share on other sites
crederer Posted December 7, 2013 Share Posted December 7, 2013 Yah, she's sketchy. Every time you do something she doesn't like, expect her to message every guy she knows until one agrees to go out with her. My friend's roommate would go online and skype naked with her ex boyfriend every time her current boyfriend did something to piss her off. It was revolting but I didn't feel I had to the right to intervene. And she wouldn't even hide it from us, she'd brag about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts