Relationship with a Danish man

[cluelessinES]

Just wondering if anyone has any experience with Danish culture or has been in a relationship with Danish man/woman.

I live in Spain and i met this Danish guy, he is working here for the next 3 years. Things progressed naturally and a bit fast ( for me) and we are supposed to be in a serious relationship that is now only one month old. We have a great time at every date, but sometimes i did feel that he was not making enough effort to contact me between dates. Never made a big deal out of it though, as we both have very busy lives.

However, he left one week ago to Denmark to visit his kids. We met before he left, he was very warm and nice, told me he'll miss me, etc. The next day i sent him an SMS - just "how are u did u get there ok?" - and he didnt answer.

I was a bit upset as he would always answer. The following day he didnt answer either and i didnt send more messages. By the third day i started to worry that something happened to him, so i sent him a message saying that i have some meetings at work but i will call him when i have a break. This is when he answered that he is OK, but spent his time 100% with his kids, that he's very busy when he goes home, just visiting all his family, but he misses me very much & cant wait to get back to me etc etc. That was 4 days ago, no other contact since then.

 

I was completely shocked by this behaviour, just dont know what to make of it, how can a man that is always very warm & says he's very much into me just cut me out of his life completely for one week?? i just cant get it. And we are supposed to resume as if nothing happened on sunday when he comes back.

 

I would really appreciate it if anyone has any insight on this. To me it sounds as if he's not into me enough or has a wife/girlfriend there ( he claims he's divorced). But i guess i'm still hoping to be saved by some weird cultural difference.

 

Thank you all in advance for your answers!

[BlametheIrish]

"To me it sounds as if he's not into

me enough or has a wife/girlfriend there"

 

I'd guess this too, at the very least he's not bf material due to his serious, lack of manners overseas. You might be able to look him up online abd fund out if hr is indeed seeung someone. But I do think if you forgive and forget that thr next time he leaves Spain, he's going to do the same thing to you again.

[cluelessinES]

thanks for the answer.

I was just reading millymolly's post about an older guy who went out of town and would not text or call.

My case is maybe a bit different as the guy insists we are in a relationship and has been texting or calling at least once a day ever since we met. That's what makes his behaviour even more weird.

Anyway i find this unacceptable, I'm just wondering if I should communicate this to him and give him a chance to explain or disappear as well and not answer his phonecalls or texts when he comes back. I'm supposed to meet him at the airport on sunday, but i really dont feel like it especially if he does not contact me at all by then.

[MidwestUSA]

He may or may not have a wife/girlfriend, but it's certain that HE HAS KIDS! He explained to you what was going on; you really expect daily contact from someone who is visiting HIS KIDS and family? Go ahead and let him know his behavior is unacceptable, give him a 'chance to explain' (how magnanimous!), but don't be surprised when he chooses HIS KIDS over you! It might be best if you dated men who are unburdened by the little rug rats.

 

I don't think being a devoted father is limited to the Danish culture. It sounds as if he has his priorities straight, and he's done more explaining to you than should be necessary at this point. You sound very clingy and needy, as well as selfish.

[cluelessinES]

seriously? I am needy for wanting to have some contact with the guy that says he loves me during the 8 days that we do not see each other? the one I am supposed to have a serious relationship with? So next time he goes on vacation for 2 weeks I should just wait patiently and not care if he's alive or dead?

 

It is not a question of choosing me over his kids, i have a son too, i can completely understand that he wants to see them and spend time with them. However, I do believe that 2 people IN A RELATIONSHIP should be interested in eachother's lives even when they are on vacation separately. I am investing time in this relationship, time taken from my son, am i really so unreasonable to expect the same?

[MidwestUSA]

Seriously. You've been in this relationship ONE month.

 

He told you he misses you and can't wait to see you again. So yes, you wish him safe travels and happy times with his kids, while waiting patiently. It's EIGHT days, and he has already explained himself - he's very busy. Not sure what more you can demand from him, or why you would want to.

 

On second thought, don't give him a chance to explain. Give him the chance to disappear.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think he is not that interested.

[cluelessinES]

Thanks for the nice words!

Indeed, disappearing for 8 days does a lot to built trust in a relationship, I don't know why i haven't thought about it until now! And when you miss someone you go no contact. Because the relationship is just one month old.

[cluelessinES]

I think he is not that interested.

thanks Eternal, I think so too. Sometimes things are very simple, we are the ones complicating them by overthinking and trying to find explanations.

[Iguanna]

No you are not needy or any other adjective. Nobody can blame you for any feelings you may have. In fact you have the right to feel either way you decide. I don't understand how people can advise someone to hide from his/her partner his/her feelings and "suck it up". I thought relationships are all about sharing feelings, emotions, experiences, even when the feelings can sound irrational to third parties. OP you have every right to feel like this, it was not a good behavior from his part, he could have said before he left "you know, I'm sorry but I won't be texting you or calling you that much when I'm with my kids and family, I just have many things to do, but I'll be thinking of you and we'll be together when I come back". This is the decent thing to do. Not doing it gives you the right to complain about his behavior and COMMUNICATE to your partner your trouble. We can't judge our behavior according to the reaction it will face. You tell him your thoughts but be prepared for him to reply maybe in a way you may not like. But to be honest it's better that he shows his real self now than later, isn't it?

[cluelessinES]

No you are not needy or any other adjective. Nobody can blame you for any feelings you may have. In fact you have the right to feel either way you decide. I don't understand how people can advise someone to hide from his/her partner his/her feelings and "suck it up". I thought relationships are all about sharing feelings, emotions, experiences, even when the feelings can sound irrational to third parties. OP you have every right to feel like this, it was not a good behavior from his part, he could have said before he left "you know, I'm sorry but I won't be texting you or calling you that much when I'm with my kids and family, I just have many things to do, but I'll be thinking of you and we'll be together when I come back". This is the decent thing to do. Not doing it gives you the right to complain about his behavior and COMMUNICATE to your partner your trouble. We can't judge our behavior according to the reaction it will face. You tell him your thoughts but be prepared for him to reply maybe in a way you may not like. But to be honest it's better that he shows his real self now than later, isn't it?

 

Yes, that is exactly what I think. There was no indication that he was going to vanish for 8 days, for me it was a complete shock. And i do want to know if he is into me or not. If he isnt into me enough, that is fine, we can both search for people that make us happy, but i do not want him to just keep me hanging, using words not backed by actions, until he finds someone he is interested in.

[winny]

If he has confirmed that you are in a relationship then he has to be in contact with you regularly.

Either he doesn't understands this or he feels it is not important.

You need to tell him that if he wants to be in a relationship with you, you would like to be in contact with him.

A day or 2 is ok when he is in another country but 8 days is too much.

In this age of technology how much time does it take to send a quick message.

 

Please have a talk with him regarding this and see if he changes his ways.

 

Else if he continues this way then you would have multiple other complications later.

 

If he and you were casually dating or the relationship wasn't completely defined then you would have nothing to complain.

[FitChick]

They are in a sexual relationship. Perhaps that is all he was looking for. Steady sex while he was away working on a contract, making money to bring home to his kids (and wife?).

 

Find someone who reads Danish and can google him for a marriage license or divorce papers.

[cluelessinES]

Yes, we are in an exclusive relationship, he made sure to define it, all the right words were said and all the right actions done until he left to Denmark.

There is always a chance that someone would bul**** you just for sex and companionship, after all he has here only his work and the gym, no friends. Until now i had no reason to feel insecure, he always seemed very decided and inlove, but I am aware that I am a very convenient option for his free time, I look nice, I speak good english, he's not going to be embarassed with me if we meet any of his Danish/Spanish colleagues.

I really hate all this uncertainty and the fact that he has made me doubt everything.

 

I am not going to google him, check his phone/ipad/laptop/whatever, I do not want to be police. If you are not happy no amount of investigating is going to satisfy you.

"If he has confirmed that you are in a relationship then he has to be in contact with you regularly.Either he doesn't understands this or he feels it is not important."

I have heard the same reasoning from one of my friends, but i can't help but wonder how can that be? If you care about a person, that caring just stops when you leave the country? As I said, I can understand wanting to spend time with your kids, but he's not doing that every single second of the day.

[Iguanna]

If you care about a person, that caring just stops when you leave the country? As I said, I can understand wanting to spend time with your kids, but he's not doing that every single second of the day.

 

To be honest he acts like married men do. They love you and adore you and can't live with you UNLESS they have a social meeting with wife and kids that lasts for many hours or unless they go to a trip with family so then they forget about you, 2-3-4 days can pass without even a text. Don't they love you and adore you and can't live with you these hours or days? Texting lasts seconds and shows that someone really cares for you. I have stopped accepting the "I was busy" excuse for years now. NO if you claim to love someone you DO care to send him at least a text "I'm thinking of you", "I love you", "can't wait to see you again" etc. 8 days is too much. I may be too strict or sensitive but at my age I don't "buy" cheap excuses anymore, I don't give chances anymore, and this has saved me from many hurtful situations.

[gaius]

It's a little disturbing if you basically vanish from your partners mind when they go on vacation. I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. They're supposed to want to talk to you on some level when you're away from each other, at least for a minute or two a day.

[cluelessinES]

Yes, it is disturbing that he did not want to contact me at all!

Today he did answer an email I sent him last friday with some pics and I just wrote 'miss u!' In it. He aswered today 'miss u tooooo'. Last friday he was in the airport going to denmark, we talked on the phone, I was very happy&optimistic. He asked for photos ( I had just been to the hairdresser) so I thought it woul be a nice suprise when he lands&gets these photos. So, how stupid did I feel when there was no answer on friday, saturday or sunday? VERY stupid!

He might be married, yes, on the other hand marriage doesn't stop men from doing what they want, he could've texted or called if he wanted. So more&more think he's just not that into me.

[cluelessinES]

So: he came back last Sunday, acted as if nothing happend, all was well. I communicated my feelings to him, he said i'm right, he has no excuse and it will never happen again. We spent 5 hours together and then we went to our houses. Monday, Tuesday we talked on the phone. Wednesday we talked for one hour, he brought up the issue with his dissapeareance again, restated that it wont happen again. We agreed to see eachother Thursday evening. Thursday evening he texted and said he;s still in a meeting. ok... no nervous breakdown here, i was busy too, we agreed he'll let me know when he's done. Finally around 9pm he texted again saying the meeting is still going on and ended the message with: I'll call you as soon as i can. kisses my love"

And that was the last i ever heard from him!! We were supposed to spend the weekend together, he's not answering texts or calls! Yes I know guys disappear, but i am just shocked that a 47 year old man cannot spare 1 minute to write a simple text and say that he does not want this anymore. I have never seen this before. And especially with him bragging all the time that he's a viking!

 

so, it was really simple: he just wasnt that into me.

[MidwestUSA]

I'm so sorry that it turned out this way. I had hope you'd meet him at the airport and all would be well. Unless he's dead, he has no excuse this time. Yikes.

[Iguanna]

Omg what a loser.

[cluelessinES]

I don't know if I made myself clear: he came back from denmark on sunday dec1st. Acted as if nothing was wrong, very inlove. Listened to my concerns and then said it will never happen agan ( going abroad and not contacting me). We agreed that we would spend this weekend together. We were in touch this week, monday, tuesday and wednesday.thursday he was supposed to come over just to see eachother briefly, he couldn't. So my last text from him says: I'll call u as soon as I can. Kisses my love'. No indication that smth is wrong that he wants to breakup, etc.

And no, he's not dead. He had an appointment at a clinic and we were supposed to meet after that, so after calling him and texting him - I really thought smth happened to him- I called the clinic and they told me he was there. So he just ignores me.

 

The worst part is that I went to the airport prepared for anything - just as iguanna said. I was not angry or aggresive, just explained to him that I do not understand how can u be in a relationship and not contact the person you say you love for 8days. He was very appologetic. So I just got over it. But then he gives me hope again, we make plans for the next 2 weekends ( that's right we had plans for next we too), he calls every day, everything is great, and then just disappears!

 

I really cannot understand it! Is it so hard to send a text? And to think I was admiring his maturity!! Reliability!! Intelligence!

 

This never happened to me before! How stupid am I?

[cluelessinES]

And even if he is married/ has old gf/new gf/ whatever, how is it possible that he just disappears, no argument, no warning?

 

And I hate that he turned me into a crazy woman who calls and texts like crazy - I really thought smth happened to him!!

[Iguanna]

Some people hate confrontation (mostly men). They dislike everything that sounds in their ears as whining. You may tell them your thoughts, your worries, you may even cry, open your heart, and all they hear is "bla bla bla *whining* bla bla bla". That's why they don't even want to have such a confrontation and say to your face "we are breaking up", cause he is scared you'll start whining again. Also he is old enough so we can say he may be bored of these things more than usual. So they just do whatever they can to reassure you everything is ok and they disappear. I have heard such stories before. You can't do anything really, only maybe give him his own medicine. If he contacts you and apologize again, act like everything is ok, make plans and just don't show up. Or you can make him buy you some gifts first and then disappear. This is what these people need to be punished.

 

And honey, you are not stupid. He is stupid. You did everything right. Do as I told you. At least you'll have a nice story to discuss with your friends

[cluelessinES]

Actually I called him twice and sent him 2 texts when I thought smth happened to him. On the 2nd call I left a message on his voice mail basically asking him if he's ok. And then I had the idea to call the clinic, found out he's alive, so I stopped - no more calls or texts.

 

I would ask him if he were answering the phone! But he's not.

 

I was just complaining here, trying to understand wtf happened, sorry if I am becoming annoying.

My life is a fu**** soapopera, can't believe it.

[cluelessinES]

Some people hate confrontation (mostly men). They dislike everything that sounds in their ears as whining. You may tell them your thoughts, your worries, you may even cry, open your heart, and all they hear is "bla bla bla *whining* bla bla bla". That's why they don't even want to have such a confrontation and say to your face "we are breaking up", cause he is scared you'll start whining again. Also he is old enough so we can say he may be bored of these things more than usual. So they just do whatever they can to reassure you everything is ok and they disappear. I have heard such stories before. You can't do anything really, only maybe give him his own medicine. If he contacts you and apologize again, act like everything is ok, make plans and just don't show up. Or you can make him buy you some gifts first and then disappear. This is what these people need to be punished.

 

 

And honey, you are not stupid. He is stupid. You did everything right. Do as I told you. At least you'll have a nice story to discuss with your friends

 

Thank you for the support Iguanna, it really means a lot. I feel I gave it my best shot, we even agreed that the best way is to be straight forward and tell eachother everything that bothers us. We discussed this on wednesday again - he brought it up.

Really one more story is just what I needed, I seem to have an entire collection. Last year I managed to land myself a text book narcissistic personality disorder guy I always seem to find the best ones:)