is it the right time?

[tracy]

Hi-my name is tracy. I'm 30 years old and have been divorced for two years. I have been dating a wonderful man for almost a year and a half. He has asked about marriage in the past and I have said I wasn't ready, and have thought I wouldn't get married again. I guess I think that being in a committed healthy relationship is good enough, so what would a marriage license add to that. Recently, Sean moved a long way away to go to military school. He's been trying to get in for about three years, so we are both thrilled that it was finally able to happen. However, we've also been miserable without each other. We talk frequently and I visited him over the x-mas holidays. I will probably be moving to CA in May or June to attend graduate school. That's not only to be closer to Sean, but also because I really enjoyed CA. About the time Sean left for school, I began thinking pretty hard about the marriage idea. I am really crazy about this man and separation has been painful. If we were married, we would be able to get married housing and be together. However, there's a part of me that feels as though that's the easy way out. If we can survive this separation (he'll be gone for 18 months) then maybe that means we've survived some test. I am very comfortable with the idea of being with Sean for the rest of my life-he's incredible and we are good together. Should I be making this decision based on what my head says or what my heart says? Does the fact that I have doubts mean I shouldn't ask him to marry me? Does the fact that I've been married before and that didn't work out mean maybe we'd be better off not getting married? Should I stop being so afraid of what everyone else is going to think and marry the man I'm crazy about? Anyone out there had/having a similar experience? Advice?

 

Thanks-Tracy

[Tony T]

It just sounds like you are doing a good screw job on your mind. You are just confusing the hell out of yourself.

 

If you really love this guy and want to be with him the rest of your life, by all means propose to him. All this test stuff is a bunch of crap.

 

Fact is that time does not make the heart grow fonder. Time can undo all the work we did to make a relationship solid. People grow all the time. If they aren't together, they can grow in different directions and move off on different tracks. Good relationships are built and nurtured by two people together.

 

Everybody has doubts about this kind of thing, gets a little frightened, particularly if they've had bad luck in the past. If you get a bad case of indigestion, to you never eat again??? And, yes, stop being at all concerned about what other people think. Follow your heart!!!

 

If you really want this guy, and it sounds like you do, go for it. Time is wasting, lady!!!

[Ace]

Whewww! When I saw the name Tracy, I about crap my pants! For all of you that know my story, you would get it!

 

OK, sorry about that but I just had to add it in.

 

On with the advice.......

[tracy]

Hey Tony-thanks for the response. What you said about being apart and how lives change, etc. was right on. When we found out Sean was leaving, and the length of time he'd be gone, that was the largest part of this whole struggle for us. We realized we wouldn't be able to afford seeing each other that often, and I do firmly believe that people change, even if they're not consciously trying to. Decisions are made about the future, and being 2500 miles apart means that those decisions can't take into account all the experiences that other person is going through. I have been so concerned that choices I was making would somehow make it impossible for us to be together in the future (like where I go for grad school). Anyway, thanks for the reminder-it helps.

 

Tracy