Morgoth Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Does your OW know that you have FWB? Yes, it does seem VERY hypocritical to expect her not to pursue other relationships while she's with you when you have a wife, an OW and FWB's. I don't disagree, and you can add selfish as well. We do not talk about my other activities with each other, she doesn't ask, I don't tell. She is my age so we have a comfortable Over 50 relationship.
Morgoth Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 When I was 20, I got involved with a mid-40s MM who also happened to be my boss. He was very charming but also a massive flirt (I'm convinced to this day he'd had affairs with other women in our workplace). When I was asked out on dates however, he would flit between pretending not to care to purposely flirting with other women to hurt me and saying scathing things like 'I hope you don't lead these guys on to think there's a future with you. We both know you'll come crawling back to me'. I used to think he loved me, but now I know he was a cruel, twisted old man preying on someone barely older than his eldest son. Such a creep. Was it important to you "that he loved you" at the time?
Meadowgreen Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Was it important to you "that he loved you" at the time? Yes it was. I initially avoided any messing around with him until one day he promised me he would leave her for me.... I wasn't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I don't disagree, and you can add selfish as well. We do not talk about my other activities with each other, she doesn't ask, I don't tell. She is my age so we have a comfortable Over 50 relationship. So if she asked you if there were other women, you would be honest? It sounds like you are putting her at risk for STD's just as you don't want her to do to you. If you both know from the beginning that you're just in it for the sex and are not exclusive (and by that, I mean with people other than your BS and OW), that's one thing. The don't ask, don't tell thing makes my blood boil. Always did with my exH, too. LOL That's probably part of why I ask as many questions as I do now. MM thinks it's "common sense" and I shouldn't even have to ask specific questions, but I have learned that you have to ask EVERYTHING or you may not get the whole truth. (I learned this with exH, not with MM, but MM suffers due to it.) 3
Author Popsicle Posted December 1, 2013 Author Posted December 1, 2013 Hey I am an Over 50 MM with a an OW and a few FWB's. Interesting post. I will say that "Men" in general get possessive about women in their lives. Is it fair, no it is not, is there a gender based double standard, yes there is. I go to great lengths however to make sure my lover is taken care of. I have also told her that she is free to pursue a 100% relationship, but I wouldn't be involved with her if she chooses that, and all I asked her is to tell me when that's what she wants. Hypocritical yes, but also proactical as I really do not want to deal w STD risks, other jealous men, etc. In our case though she has no expectations about anything than we already have. So we float along going on 5 years now. Thank you for your honesty. It helps.
Mcle Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 If your MM "gets jealous" you may not want to take it as meaning he cares for you. Jealousy can be about control and MM may want to control his access to you. If his OW is out dating then MM may lose her to a single guy and have to find a new OW, which is such a pain. 6
Cdngirl5279 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I went out with that guy on friday ( see my other post) it was a bust....cdngirl, I really relate to what you post...my relationship w/ mm seems to be very similar to yours with your mm....we talk and text all day everyday and see each other all the time...which is why the thought of NC seems so hard. It'll be like losing my bf why can't this be easier...and why did I ever enter into An A? I am so much smarter than this It will feel like losing a bf if our relationships were similar. It did for me, but I can say that it does get easier with time. I'm about 6 weeks out (trying not to keep track of how long exactly lol) and I do feel a million times better than I did during the first hours and days. It isn't easy, but something that you can and will get through. I'm glad everything ended well before the holidays, so I can truly enjoy them with my friends and family. 1
Author Popsicle Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 If your MM "gets jealous" you may not want to take it as meaning he cares for you. Jealousy can be about control and MM may want to control his access to you. If his OW is out dating then MM may lose her to a single guy and have to find a new OW, which is such a pain. Yes I feel that it is this.
Fluttershy Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Jealousy is not necessarily a bad thing. But it doesn't mean it is a good thing either depending on the situation. It can make you feel secure but when hypocritically shown it can be maddening. Knowing what the nature of the jealousy the individual is dealing with can often be a hindsight is 20/20 situation.
Nothisgirl Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 It will feel like losing a bf if our relationships were similar. It did for me, but I can say that it does get easier with time. I'm about 6 weeks out (trying not to keep track of how long exactly lol) and I do feel a million times better than I did during the first hours and days. It isn't easy, but something that you can and will get through. I'm glad everything ended well before the holidays, so I can truly enjoy them with my friends and family. How exactly did you end it..every time I've started that conversation he wraps his arms around me, pulls me tight to him, kisses me, holds me and begs me to wait for him..then we cry and talk and we never end it....it's so f***ing hard 1
Beachgirl91 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 My MM was extremely jealous. Even of my male friends and my friends' boyfriends. I used to enjoy it and thought it was endearing. Now I see it for what it really was: the actions of a very insecure little man. Not endearing at all. 2
Beachgirl91 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 It will feel like losing a bf if our relationships were similar. It did for me, but I can say that it does get easier with time. I'm about 6 weeks out (trying not to keep track of how long exactly lol) and I do feel a million times better than I did during the first hours and days. It isn't easy, but something that you can and will get through. I'm glad everything ended well before the holidays, so I can truly enjoy them with my friends and family. I am so happy to read this. My MM and I were in constant contact. Texting all day long and on the phone every night. When I would break it off in the past he would always tell me I was his best friend. It broke my heart. Now that's it's over for good I feel like I've lost my best friend. I know that's not reality and it's probably just because I'm used to having him "around" all the time. I'm a week into NC and was doing great until today. Your post has given me the strength to keep plodding along, no matter how painful it is. 2
MissBee Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Hey I am an Over 50 MM with a an OW and a few FWB's. Interesting post. I will say that "Men" in general get possessive about women in their lives. Is it fair, no it is not, is there a gender based double standard, yes there is. I go to great lengths however to make sure my lover is taken care of. I have also told her that she is free to pursue a 100% relationship, but I wouldn't be involved with her if she chooses that, and all I asked her is to tell me when that's what she wants. Hypocritical yes, but also proactical as I really do not want to deal w STD risks, other jealous men, etc. In our case though she has no expectations about anything than we already have. So we float along going on 5 years now. Thanks for this. One of my male friends was also explaining this to me, men being possessive of their harem essentially, and their "territory." He was explaining that even if the man isn't in love with the woman he will still see her as "his" and won't want other men being involved with her. I try to explain this to some women who believe jealousy and possessiveness means love and fidelity...when clearly it doesn't, it just means, it's my toy and no one else should play with it but me and even if I don't want to play with it because I have other toys, it's still mine! 4
Author Popsicle Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 Thanks for this. One of my male friends was also explaining this to me, men being possessive of their harem essentially, and their "territory." He was explaining that even if the man isn't in love with the woman he will still see her as "his" and won't want other men being involved with her. I try to explain this to some women who believe jealousy and possessiveness means love and fidelity...when clearly it doesn't, it just means, it's my toy and no one else should play with it but me and even if I don't want to play with it because I have other toys, it's still mine! I have heard the exact same thing from a male friend before. I believe it too.
Morgoth Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Thanks for this. One of my male friends was also explaining this to me, men being possessive of their harem essentially, and their "territory." He was explaining that even if the man isn't in love with the woman he will still see her as "his" and won't want other men being involved with her. I try to explain this to some women who believe jealousy and possessiveness means love and fidelity...when clearly it doesn't, it just means, it's my toy and no one else should play with it but me and even if I don't want to play with it because I have other toys, it's still mine! Yes that it is it more or less. Intellectually I know she can do whatever she wants to do with whoever she wants do it with. I have some dilemma's about keeping her for myself, when I know she could find someone that was single and avaialble for a full time relationship. That being said, she also does not want a man under her feet all the time, has been married several times both busts, and is mostly focused on her family. So for my particuar situation and hers, this relationship works. It drove me insane in the begining because these types of relationships move laterally not forward. 2
Nothisgirl Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I am so happy to read this. My MM and I were in constant contact. Texting all day long and on the phone every night. When I would break it off in the past he would always tell me I was his best friend. It broke my heart. Now that's it's over for good I feel like I've lost my best friend. I know that's not reality and it's probably just because I'm used to having him "around" all the time. I'm a week into NC and was doing great until today. Your post has given me the strength to keep plodding along, no matter how painful it is. I so understand where you are coming from...sending a huge amount of support your way...how did you actually end it? We have the same relationship you've described and I'm having a really hard time sticking to NC.... Hope today is better for you
SunsetRed Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Yes, mine did that. he'd tell me not to wait for him and to date others as he had "nothing to offer me" Then when I did date others, he'd freak out and show up at my house and call me 100 x a night. Each time I dated someone new, he's show up at my house and say he was leaving his wife. He never left. Now I have an actual boyfriend and he has been going nuts. When he first found out I had a bf, he started showing up w presents and money and asked me to marry him. Now at this point, we'd been broken up for 3 years but had maintained LC. I almost broke when he did this, but I realized that im getting too old to throw my life away on stupid games, so I told MM to leave me alone to live my life and im still w the bf. 3
John-Dough Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I think MM in an affair do feel more 'jealousy' than they normally would in a non-affair relationship, specifically if the OW is single. I believe this is because they know they can't compete on an equal level. But, these are just feelings and on a logical level they know that they have no right to feel that way. It causes a great deal of internal turmoil. JMO
Beachgirl91 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I so understand where you are coming from...sending a huge amount of support your way...how did you actually end it? We have the same relationship you've described and I'm having a really hard time sticking to NC.... Hope today is better for you Nothisgirl,sending tons of support back to you too. I get so exhausted from the high highs and the low lows I decided I was done. I sent him a string of the most horrible nasty texts I have ever written. He does not take criticism well so I knew what would follow. I was right. He texted me back swearing at me and telling me he was blocking me on Skype (our secret way of calling), IM, text and email. I didn't actually open the texts but read them as he typed and as they showed up as banners on my phone. I believe he still thinks I didn't read them. I then blocked him from Skype and the texting app we used and deleted the apps. Then I deleted every single picture of him, all the videos he sent me of him playing his guitar for me and burned all the drawings he drew for me. I deactivated my FB account so I couldn't stalk his account. The first week was pretty good. I felt relieved and empowered. Now I feel sad and empty. I had dreams of him all last night and can't stop thinking about him. I have no doubt he will try to contact me again soon, if he hasn't already. I just keep trying to remember how lonely and sad I felt after every phone call. I felt high when talking to him but horrible afterwards. I know I've done the right thing but it still hurts. I know the hurt will deminish with each week of NC. I know exactly where you're coming from. Thanks so much for the support. It means a lot to me.
Goodbye Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 Assuming you are single/divorced/unattached, has anyone ever experienced their MM getting jealous or feeling afraid that you'll start dating other men? Yes, I was divorced at the start of our relationship and he'd occasionally express worry that I'd find someone else. When I went NC with him, he told me he'd contact me when he was divorced and asked me to remain faithful to him. Even in my emotional misery at the time, that request made me laugh. I forced myself to go on a date with the first normal (SINGLE) man I could find. Didn't really go well...but I was proving a point to myself. I was DONE, DONE, DONE with exMM and his stupid requests. 1
Author Popsicle Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 Yes, I was divorced at the start of our relationship and he'd occasionally express worry that I'd find someone else. When I went NC with him, he told me he'd contact me when he was divorced and asked me to remain faithful to him. Even in my emotional misery at the time, that request made me laugh. I forced myself to go on a date with the first normal (SINGLE) man I could find. Didn't really go well...but I was proving a point to myself. I was DONE, DONE, DONE with exMM and his stupid requests. When did you go NC with exMM and did he ever get divorced?
Goodbye Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 When did you go NC with exMM and did he ever get divorced? I went NC in April. ExMM broke NC throughout the summer. Finally went full NC in September. I assume he isn't divorced. I assume he is still playing house with his wife...who knows. If I think about it, it pisses me off, so I try and block him out of my head. I told him he could contact me in a year from September (when he last broke NC) only if he was divorced...but there were not promises. I don't expect contact and I'm trying to move forward in every way possible. Something clicked this fall and I went from missing him all of the time to feeling disgust for him. It is good. 1
Author Popsicle Posted December 2, 2013 Author Posted December 2, 2013 I went NC in April. ExMM broke NC throughout the summer. Finally went full NC in September. I assume he isn't divorced. I assume he is still playing house with his wife...who knows. If I think about it, it pisses me off, so I try and block him out of my head. I told him he could contact me in a year from September (when he last broke NC) only if he was divorced...but there were not promises. I don't expect contact and I'm trying to move forward in every way possible. Something clicked this fall and I went from missing him all of the time to feeling disgust for him. It is good. Good for you. Great that you're moving on. I hope you continue to move forward in a positive way. 1
Cdngirl5279 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 How exactly did you end it..every time I've started that conversation he wraps his arms around me, pulls me tight to him, kisses me, holds me and begs me to wait for him..then we cry and talk and we never end it....it's so f***ing hard Our hand was 'forced' so to speak as his W had suspicions. Perhaps it needs to be done when you aren't face to face?
Cdngirl5279 Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 I am so happy to read this. My MM and I were in constant contact. Texting all day long and on the phone every night. When I would break it off in the past he would always tell me I was his best friend. It broke my heart. Now that's it's over for good I feel like I've lost my best friend. I know that's not reality and it's probably just because I'm used to having him "around" all the time. I'm a week into NC and was doing great until today. Your post has given me the strength to keep plodding along, no matter how painful it is. If I'm honest with myself, yes it did feel like I lost my best friend. I actually received a call from my wireless provider asking if I was still satisfied with the service as my minute usage had majorly dropped in the first billing period after we split. In checking this, I realized how much we were on the phone with each other! Take it a day, or an hour at a time. I had good days, bad days, and a couple of horrible days but I did survive! Beachgirl - have you thought about IC? I have and I found it has really helped me in dealing with everything. 1
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