Fake couple

[Quellewasser]

Hi,

I'm a 21 year old student and two months ago I met a guy.

After about a week of knowing each other we had sex. I suggested we stayed FWB, because he was cool and the sex was great and I was really not in the mood for a relationship. We continued so, but then he started asking me if I loved him and how I would feel if he had sex with someone else and telling me he would be really upset if I did so. He came off insecure and really into me, saying he liked me and all that stuff. So I just went with it. Because honestly I had nothing better to do and I wanted to stay for the sex.

But now, two months later, after him talking about kids and marriage and taking a trip to Rome together (he's only 23), I don't trust him anymore.

I'm pretty sure he's a player: having tons of girl friends and only one guy friend, being shady with his phone, which doesn't 'work' by the way, telling weird **** about his past relationships, having extra toothbrushes at home and so on...

Now, this is where i need the help of kind, and more wise than me, strangers from the internet.

What should I do. Can I keep him around for the sex? Or should I jump dump him? He does know where I live and he added my friends on facebook, so he'll probably harass me or them. Should I just be honest and tell him that I'm not in the mood for some kind of bull**** relationship, because we pretend to be this lovely couple, hugging, kissing on the street, renting movies, playing games and what not.

And if i continue seeing him and acting as a couple, having sex and hanging with his best friend and his girlfriend (btw: his friends are absolutely not interested in me what so ever, which tells me he probably brings girls all the time to meet so eventually they don't five a f*ck) I'll probably will believe I'm in love.

So, what's your advice, peeps?

It would be really helpful and thanks in advance!

[elbe]

First half: This guy wants me for more than sex which isn't cool...

Second half: WHY DOESN'T HE LOVE ME?!?

 

You need to make a decision. Right now he is a free bird since you want the dirty without the rest. In that scenario it's not immoral for him to see other girls. You are sending him signs that you don't see him in your future.

 

If you actually want a relationship you need to make that decision and make that clear to him. After that point it would be immoral for him to see other women and you would then have the right to question his phone, etc.

[LilySun]

If you say that you only want a person for the sex, then that person really doesn't have obligation to be more to you...he won't change his lifestyle for someone who doesn't want to do the same for him. If you keep him around for sex, none of this will go away. So you have 3 options: keep the sex and learn to deal with the way he is...or, tell him you want a relationship...or cut him off all together.

[imtooconfused]

Quellewasser, your situation has a lot in common with this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/friends-lovers/443593-he-ask-do-you-love-me . Maybe there is some advice you can glean what others have said there.

[Hope Wolf]

Its funny because I had the same kind of questioning at the beginning of the summer. I just got dumped and met this awesome guy, who also just got dumped. It was kinda a rebound relationship although we agreed back then its only FWB. And I found him very shady too and made myself think that he's a player cuz he was on dating sites and meeting girls. Now thinking about it he stopped meeting girls after a few weeks with me and now after 6 months that I've known him, (and he was at my place ALL THE TIME, the only places he would be outside his job was at my place), my perception of him as a player and all the signs I collected to convince myself in that perception was just because I didn't want to trust him because I didn't want to fall in love.

 

I didn't stop the relationship at that point even though it had become a strangely monogamous FWB relationship... we swore to each other that if we want to have sex with someone else we stop our relationship.

 

And then, what you fear happened, I fell in love but he didn't. He was behaving very devoted but would never show reciprocity in his words towards loving me (in fact, he affirmed quite the contrary but was saying he's confused) and won't return my hugs nor kiss me.

 

At this point I decided that even if he's confused, to me a "maybe" still meant "I am not in love with you". I just dumped this limbo relationship 2 weeks ago and I hurt like hell, just like after a heartbreak. And he's not showing signs like he wants to see me again, except once when we talked about sex for 3 hours. This makes it clear to me that while his behavior was contradictory, he just wanted a comfortable girl to have fun with.

 

So I think that while you still feel "not into him" and "not in the mood for a relationship" and you actually wonder if you could fall for him, you shouldn't keep him around even for sex. If you fear getting attached to him while not wanting a relationship, you should respect yourself and be no man's half-time, spare-time and whatsoever letting him lose your time. You don't want him? Dump him. Find someone else for sex only if you have doubts about falling in love with this guy while not wanting him as a life partner. He talked to you about kids and Rome while he's only 23? LOL I would tell him to kiss my ass, these promises are so stereotypical they get impersonal and are just words to throw around for big impression. Don't fall for bull**** like that. If he was into you, he would talk about you, not quoting you cheap romance movie.

 

Just my humble subjective advice. Wish you success!

Edited December 1, 2013 by Hope Wolf
grammatical mistakes

[Quellewasser]

Okay, so

things changed. I've fallen for him. And I'm really scared.

The positive things about him are: after I posted the original post I ignored him on facebook because honestly I was confused and really didn't want to speak with him, because I knew he would convince me everything is all right. I blew him off for a date and the next day he came to my home town to talk to me. I told him how I felt: that I don't trust him and that I'm too scared to fall for him.

He immediately got his phone fixed, he got a new number, and told me there was nothing to be scared off and If i wanted proof of something, that he would handed it to me. He also said he wouldn't leave me alone and it would be hard to get rid of him.

He's also sweet; when I spent the night, he brings breakfast, cooks meals and takes care of my every need.

He also tells me he loves me and the second he wakes up, he wraps his arms around me.

And that's just awesome. I'm really happy when I'm with him.

But.

He always gets text messages, he hides his facebook and his best friend treats me like i'm some random girl.

So, what I'm thinking is: maybe I'm some kind of prize for him. Maybe he's just using me to boost his own ego.

And last time we went out to this club and his ex-girlfriend was there. (I don't know if I mentioned this in the original post)

and he was looking over non-stop. At that time I really didn't care. I was there to have fun and he told me she cheated on him so I kinda went with it.

But I don't know. Maybe I am just a rebound.

Omg, i'm so lost right now. I hate this. I ****ING HATE THIS.

Listen, is there some way I can test him?

Yes, i know that's ridiculous but test him in some way, without going through his phone or whatever and without talking about him, because he's good with words.

thank you so much

[Hope Wolf]

Its problematic your relationship with him, I understand you are confused and I empathise

 

One thing that stroke me as a contradiction is that you seem to want a relationship with him yet you are not able to believe/trust him because you said he seems to have a romantic life outside just with you. You need trust for a romantic relationship, I bet you already know that

 

I think, first of all, figure out FOR SURE, not in a "it would cool if" way, where does he stand in your life. Think about your personal goals and see if he would be somehow in the way by taking too much space in your head because of all the insecurities he brings to your mind, or could you develop a healthy respectful, trusting and secure relationship with him. There are always doubts though in a relationship, because falling in love means to be vulnerable. Is he trustworthy enough for you to be vulnerable with him?

 

Second of all, if you decide that for sure this guy means enough for you to be your man for as long as it'll last, then confess to him next time he says "I love you" that you don't believe him. Tell him thats its not because you are an obsessive person and you don't like his lifestyle, but that its difficult for you to feel like he's being true to his feelings because you feel like you are just another girl in his life. Do not accuse him of hidding something, once you point the finger at someone, thats when they can put a story upside down and make you believe all sorts of things. Just remain true to how insecure you feel when he says that he loves you because you feel you're not the most important girl in his life, because you're not sure what exactly to understand when he tells you "I love you" and etc. whatever other questionning you might have about the true nature of his feelings towards you. And again, remember to make yourself clear when you voice those insecurities towards him, so that he really understands whats going on in your head so he can reassure you. Don't pull the jealousy card: jealousy sounds like an accusation on one hand and demonstrates a lack of self-esteem on the other hand, like you believe you can't be the most amazing girl for him. You don't want to show a lack of self esteem, because when partners feel you love yourself less than they love you, it starts to be scary for them because they have to basically provide love for 2. That's just what I think Hope it helps! take care!

Edited December 6, 2013 by Hope Wolf

[melell]

Your original post was really transparent. You are anonymous on an online forum, don't try to convince us, or yourself of anything.. just be honest.

 

Trust me, when our truths come out they are embarrassing, but the great thing about being online is that it doesn't matter!

 

People can really help, but only when you be honest.

[Quellewasser]

guys, somethings's up

he's shady as ****

i've been talking with friends about it and we're going from secret drug dealer to drug user to pimp to ****ing abuser

and i don't know

he deleted all his facebookmessages when i talked to a friend of mine in his name, he's shady about his phone, hiding it, getting silent messages and so on

he's always talking about money

plus the last time i saw him, he told me an ex contacted him asking money,

he just told it out of nowhere, and he was really paying attention to my reaction, he always seems to know people when walking down the street but is kinda distant when saying hi

so right now i'm thinking the worst things

maybe he's some ****ed up dude with mental issues or like something really major

and i have the feeling he's trying to tell me something, always bringing up money and ex-girlfriends

so i don't know what to think

and i'm afraid of deleting him from my life, because he literally told me i'm stuck with him for ever, that he's afraid to lose me, telling me he knows where i live and off course, i do have feelings for him

guys, please, tell me what to do

at first i was afraid he's been hooking up with other girls

but my gut tells me that not it, it's something else

he also told me he has e bad temper, this one time he saw his ex kissing another dude and he started hitting him like crazy, he told me he was glad his best friend stopped him because it would have ended very badly

and the stories he tells ARE the ones you hear from drugusers or some losers in life that don't get anywhere

but he's a decent person, he is smart, he dresses well, he's polite and all that

i'm sorry for rambling on, but maybe someone here can help me a bit out

because i'm really thinking stupid stuff