parents are against me for standing up for myself

[jstired]

Hi everyone am new here and i feel so upset and hopefully i get some feedback in how i can help my situation.

 

history: my brother met a women couple of years ago she had no papers here in the US, they began dating and and after a while they got married, later she was eager to change her address in to my parents house because it would be faster for her to get her papers to have the same address as my brother etc. she never cared or loved my brother and i say this because she never helped him with anything if he needed something it was i, my parents or grandmother who ran around solving his issues while she went out shopping spending his money. Secondly she started getting plastic surgery to look nicer her boobs etc, she would never pick up my brother from the airport because she was too busy or couldn't anyways long story short, she called the cops on me and i had to get a lawyer to get out of that mess. My parents and i never intervened in my brothers marriage since that was his choice his decision but i started getting pissed off when she was involving me. Anyways i got into a huge argument with my brother and told him that although that is his wife i don't want anything to do with her and blah blah blah, apparently she also has a lawyer that advised her to call the cops on me because of her papers etc.

 

anyways, i am totally against her i absolutely hate her guts i can't see her because of what she did that nearly affected my future/ my career over her selfish needs when she was the one who attacked me and started to physically fight with me and punch me because i told her i didn't want my grandmother to take care of her niece because it was unfair to my grandmother and she was abusing my grandmother's niceness, my grandmother was tired and she would leave her niece to my grandmother one time even till 11 o'clock at night and that was unfair. anyways this story is too long.

 

point is years passed since that accident my brother makes loads of money and travels freely so she likes all the freebies and last year i bumped into an old high school friend whom i later found out my brothers wife was talking to her brother through Facebook and trying to hook up. I mean she is the devil, she doesn't care or love my brother but we still sit back and watch since we can't get in it.

 

anyways as years pass by my parents are against me for standing up for myself in the sense that i already made clear to my parents and brother that i want nothing to do with her, i want that toxic woman away from my orbit.

 

My parents are always supporting my brother and not me, they are against me always, my mom rather fight with me and not speak to me than loose a relationship with that woman. One time i asked my mom to travel with me on a mother daughter trip just her and me to spend time together and she said no, then later i found out she went with that girl and my brother to where i invited my mother to go with me to. This hurts, my parents are completely against me, my brother and i do not speak now and my parents say is my fault, they blame me for everything when i simply don't want anymore issues.

 

i don't know what to do, the only person who absolutely supports me and agrees with me is my grandparents because they saw the truth of that woman and my parents are always on my brothers side so they won't admit it, they see me as childish immature etc. I moved to another state and my parents are sad because my brother usually comes down every weekend and one saturday the poor baby couldn't come down to visit them. Yesterday i wanted to smooth things over for thanksgiving to cook them a meal and it was a disaster my mom was pissed off because my brother couldn't make it for thanksgiving so nobody ate my food i had to throw away countless hours of cooking.

 

My brother one time beat me up literally grabbed me by my neck and the following day nobody would speak to me everyone was mad at me but when my brother would walk through the door it was all laughs and joy but to me my parents didn't speak to me for weeks all together.

 

I am so fed up, i feel like i will have to distant myself from them, how can i manage this relationship with my parents when they don't take me seriously and with my brother he is the god in the family.

 

any advice i feel terrible because i want to have a good relationship but they are always against me. I was staying with them for the holidays to spend time with them these 2 months but i don't think is a good idea. When i am home which is far away from my parents my parents never called me i would be the one to call them and say how are you hows everything sending them presents and pretty much always lowering myself to them, its just unfair how they treat me and to my brother they treat him perfect.

 

also, if i try to do something nice for them my mom criticizes every single detail, she literally criticizes every effort i do, but my brother does something and is wonderful the best ever but to me everything is wrong nothing is ever right in my parents eyes.

Edited November 29, 2013 by jstired

[KathyM]

I'm sorry you are so at odds with your family. I don't know all of your family dynamics just based on your OP, but I'm wondering if they always favored your brother when you were children, or if they are just now siding with him and shunning you because they consider you to be the trouble maker of the family because you were so much against his wife? The thing about parents is that they are forced to accept whatever spouse their child marries, and although they may sometimes try to provide their wisdom or opinions on a prospective spouse beforehand, once the child marries the person, the parents are forced to accept and be supportive of the marriage in order to maintain a good relationship with their child. Your parents may see you as trying to cause trouble in their son's marriage, and rejecting of his wife, and so they blame you for your actions/behavior towards his wife. Your job as a daughter is not to try to force your parents to reject your brother's wife. Try to stay neutral as much as possible, and don't even mention your brother's wife to your parents. They don't want to hear it. You are putting them in a very difficult position here with their son and daughter-in-law. As far as your brother, you are messing up your relationship with him as well. The time to express your reservations about his selection of a mate was before they were married, and it should have been done so in a loving way out of concern for your brother. After his marriage, you should have been supportive of the marriage and not badmouthed his wife to him or any other family member. It was his choice to make, not yours. All you could have done is to offer counsel out of concern for your brother before his marriage.

 

Now that you have found out about her intended infidelity, I would suggest you peacefully and privately talk to your brother about this, and inform him of what you were told. And then back off. The rest is up to him. He may decide that you are just trying to cause trouble, because that is how you have behaved towards your sister-in-law in the past, and so he may dismiss what you have to say about the infidelity, unfortunately.

 

So my advice is to talk privately and peacefully to your brother about what had been disclosed to you (the infidelity), and then back off. Don't say another word about it. It is him who needs to decide how and if he will do anything about this. And don't involve your parents in this at all. If your brother ends up staying with the woman, I hope for the sake of your parents and your love for your brother, that you will try to get along with his wife. Not saying you have to like her at all, but for your brother's sake, you need to try to get along peacefully with them. It is up to him what he will accept from her. It is not for you to make that decision for him.