Do all MM talk badly about their wife during the affair?

[Popsicle]

My point exactly. Some OW thrive off of hearing this stuff and it makes an OW despise MM's wife and also gives her tons of hope about a future.

 

Your friend is in for a world of hurt soon when he turns on her, throws her under the bus. To him it's just an affair and he's just enjoying it for what it is, but it sounds like your friend is into this and him deeply. Of course if you tell her otherwise she won't believe what you tell her at all.

 

My friend is married too and doesn't want to leave her husband, but she loves the idea that the OM will leave his wife for her. Just the idea though. She would rather cake eat forever.

[whichwayisup]

I feel a bit ill too.

 

He told me that she likes sex, she instigates it and he has to go along with it to keep her happy.

 

Oh dear Cookie, Im changing my name from Waking Up to throwing up.

 

Why would a MM actually admit he still has (good or any) sex with his wife to his OW? That's just going to make the affair more difficult for him and having to deal with jealously issues, emotions, and accusations. He'd be a real idiot to admit it, so it's much easier for him to LIE and/or omit truths. Or say what you said above. Oh poor MM is 'forced' to have sex with his wife and he doesn't enjoy it. Such a big fat lie!

[Mascara]

Well, they always lay the classic line of how wife never has sex with him, or is prudish. That is trash talking.

 

Right, and after Dday he'll be telling his wife how he only wanted OW for sex, he has no feeling for her, the sex was terrible because he could only think of the wife and his guilt.

 

Many OW do seem to get a kind of gleeful satisfaction from hearing how bad the marriage is, and are then surprised when he turns around and does the same thing to OW when the wife finds out.

[C00kie]

I feel a bit ill too.

 

He told me that she likes sex, she instigates it and he has to go along with it to keep her happy.

 

Oh dear Cookie, Im changing my name from Waking Up to throwing up.

 

Would be comic if it wasn't tragic!

 

Keep up the good humour. I also try to

[Popsicle]

Right, and after Dday he'll be telling his wife how he only wanted OW for sex, he has no feeling for her, the sex was terrible because he could only think of the wife and his guilt.

 

Many OW do seem to get a kind of gleeful satisfaction from hearing how bad the marriage is, and are then surprised when he turns around and does the same thing to OW when the wife finds out.

 

Yep. Well said.

[Mascara]

I feel a bit ill too.

 

He told me that she likes sex, she instigates it and he has to go along with it to keep her happy.

 

Oh dear Cookie, Im changing my name from Waking Up to throwing up.

 

Genuine question.... you don't seriously believe this do you?

[WakingUp]

Genuine question.... you don't seriously believe this do you?

 

NO! Of course not.

 

I do believe that she instigates, but I don't believe he simply tolerates.

 

But I am sure he instigates it too. Whatever, not sure I really care seeing how I am not physically participating with him anymore.

 

Its actually none of my business.

[Cdngirl5279]

My xMM never spoke badly of his wife at all. She wasn't a topic of conversation for either one of us.

[Nothisgirl]

My mm doesn't speak poorly of her, but I have heard about the apparent lack of intimacy and that they've grown apart...in fact he thinks she is having an A too and she apparently speaks all the time about how she can't wait until their youngest is gone (6 yrs) so they can separate...wtf ever...idk what to believe

[AlwaysGrowing]

My mm doesn't speak poorly of her, but I have heard about the apparent lack of intimacy and that they've grown apart...in fact he thinks she is having an A too and she apparently speaks all the time about how she can't wait until their youngest is gone (6 yrs) so they can separate...wtf ever...idk what to believe

 

 

Any conversations that he talks negatively about his wife or their marriage is talking poorly about her. If that is how he feels, then he should be talking to his wife about those issues not a third party.

 

In a classic situation (not all), a MM has to make the illusion of being "single" and available. How does one do that? They distance themselves from their wife and marriage, so it is more palatable for the OW.....she tells herself "that I'm not really inserting myself into a marriage...its already over". Its not true. But it works well enough to get an OW to engage in the affair. The OW believes the relationship is not really an affair.....this situation is different....I am not one of those OW you see on TV at all.....this is special.

[Popsicle]

Any conversations that he talks negatively about his wife or their marriage is talking poorly about her. If that is how he feels, then he should be talking to his wife about those issues not a third party.

 

In a classic situation (not all), a MM has to make the illusion of being "single" and available. How does one do that? They distance themselves from their wife and marriage, so it is more palatable for the OW.....she tells herself "that I'm not really inserting myself into a marriage...its already over". Its not true. But it works well enough to get an OW to engage in the affair. The OW believes the relationship is not really an affair.....this situation is different....I am not one of those OW you see on TV at all.....this is special.

 

So true!!!!

[hopewild]

The MM in my life does not bad mouth his spouse and it would upset me if he did.

[whereamigoing]

XMM never spoke poorly of his stbxW. He spoke of her with a kind of sad fondness. They were best friends and loved each other. He still loves her and deeply regrets the loss of his best friend and the hurt he has caused her. They simply were not compatible together as husband and wife, something that would have been discovered if they had been more honest with each other prior to getting married. That's not an excuse for our affair at all, it shouldn't have happened but that's not the topic of this thread. He didn't talk of her often when we were in the affair and he still doesn't now, when he does he is respectful and he places no blame on her for HIS affair. Frankly, if he had badmouthed her that would have been a real turnoff for me because that shows a lack of class (I do realize the irony here since affairs, in general, demonstrate a complete lack of class but I never said affairs made sense, they don't) and is just SUCH an affair cliché I can't stand it.

[Realist3]

What causes them to even talk badly about their wife, and worse, talk about leaving her when they know good and well that they are not going to leave their family?

 

I don't know all MM's so I can say why some of them do, but my guess is to garner sympathy from the OW. "Woe is me. My wife is a biatch, I'm in a terrible marriage. She won't have sex with me." And on and on and on. And the OW's seem to lap it up. It is the damsel in distress syndrome in reverse. These blokes play on women's natural nurturing instincts.

 

I never talk about my wife. I think the pity card is unattractive, and I certainly would never be want to be seen as a complainer.

 

Bottom line, it works to get into your head and pants.

[Popsicle]

Judging by the responses in this thread, it seems like a fair number of MM don't bad mouth their wife to the OW. I wonder what makes the difference between one who bad mouths their wife and one who says nothing or not much?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Probably, the ones that do...it is a way for them to trick themselves as well. "They really aren't engaged in an affair"," my marriage is over"...the exact same reasons why an OW would use that negative talk to give themselves permission to engage in the affair. That is not to say they do it consciously, it is mental gymnastics. To avoid looking at the truth of themselves.

[thecharade]

It's funny, but I noticed a conundrum with my exMM. If he started to say that his W didn't want sex, I could see him feeling what an insult that was to him!! Like he was not "doing it for her,"and he was afraid I'd then think the same. So, he used to sort of stumble all around, not sure how to make her sound bad without making himself sound like a guy who couldn't keep his woman happy. Ha! It never went well. I think his marital accountability and responsibility really showed themselves. He wasn't pulling his weight in the M, and he knew it.

[elbe]

Judging by the responses in this thread, it seems like a fair number of MM don't bad mouth their wife to the OW. I wonder what makes the difference between one who bad mouths their wife and one who says nothing or not much?

 

I don't want you or anyone else to look too far into what I'm about to say... but supposedly if someone is taken but rarely/never mentions the SO they are willing to at least evaluate the option of leaving them for you.

Edited November 30, 2013 by elbe
tagfix

[hopewild]

I don't want you or anyone else to look too far into what I'm about to say... but supposedly if someone is taken but rarely/never mentions the SO they are willing to at least evaluate the option of leaving them for you.

 

What makes you say that? We are talking about complicated dynamics that vary from situation to situation. Saying something like this could be super detrimental to someone reading this forum. On top of it what you are saying is most likely not even true.

[whichwayisup]

What makes you say that? We are talking about complicated dynamics that vary from situation to situation. Saying something like this could be super detrimental to someone reading this forum. On top of it what you are saying is most likely not even true.

 

It could be she's saying this is what happened in her affair/situation.

 

In my years of reading here, most men DO say negative stuff about their wives and marriage, exaggerate and bend the truth to suit them best. Some are worse than others, and some never say a word about their home life BECAUSE they do not want the OW to know anything about his home life, that's private and none of the AP's business. He does it on purpose and to be in control, not because he is planning on leaving and divorcing his wife. These MM who do that ARE totally separating the affair and marriage, almost like living a double life more so than the average MM in an affair. Hope that makes sense.

[elbe]

What makes you say that? We are talking about complicated dynamics that vary from situation to situation. Saying something like this could be super detrimental to someone reading this forum. On top of it what you are saying is most likely not even true.

 

That's the reason for the disclaimer. Look, if you are talking to me and we are flirty but I want to let you know where the lines are drawn I would say, "I wonder what me and my wife are going to cook for dinner tonight." Instant shut down and reality sets in. It's like saying "you are cute but that's enough..."

 

Otherwise, if I'm even for one second imagining life without my wife (EVEN IF I WILL NEVER ACT ON THIS) I will not once mention my SO once in any of our conversations. Someone who is a huge factor in my life and I don't mention her even once?? There is a reason for it.

[Cinnimon]

I think most MM realize they must walk a thin line. Most make it sound as though they are unhappy at "home". I think most are smart enough to know that bad mouthing their spouse would come off wrong to the OW.

[hopewild]

It could be she's saying this is what happened in her affair/situation.

 

In my years of reading here, most men DO say negative stuff about their wives and marriage, exaggerate and bend the truth to suit them best. Some are worse than others, and some never say a word about their home life BECAUSE they do not want the OW to know anything about his home life, that's private and none of the AP's business. He does it on purpose and to be in control, not because he is planning on leaving and divorcing his wife. These MM who do that ARE totally separating the affair and marriage, almost like living a double life more so than the average MM in an affair. Hope that makes sense.

 

It makes sense. I just see a lot of women on this website who are in an incredibly delicate place and will cling to any kind of hope that is thrown their way. I think a sentence like that could be really detrimental to those women.

[whichwayisup]

I think most MM realize they must walk a thin line. Most make it sound as though they are unhappy at "home". I think most are smart enough to know that bad mouthing their spouse would come off wrong to the OW.

 

Hmmm actually many OW eat it up and believe their MM. Not maliciously but because they love their MM's and trust him too much. What many fail to realize is, this MM they are having an A with LIES To his wife every single day by cheating on her, but because he is nice, sweet, romantic and fun, etc etc, the heart and emotions won't allow (most) OW to see that he is lying and omitting truths, exaggerating and manipulating selfishly.

 

And some get into it and hate MM's wife because of what he says about her, and they feel protective of their MM's when they hear 'how horrible his wife is at home etc..'

[hopewild]

Hmmm actually many OW eat it up and believe their MM. Not maliciously but because they love their MM's and trust him too much. What many fail to realize is, this MM they are having an A with LIES To his wife every single day by cheating on her, but because he is nice, sweet, romantic and fun, etc etc, the heart and emotions won't allow (most) OW to see that he is lying and omitting truths, exaggerating and manipulating selfishly.

 

And some get into it and hate MM's wife because of what he says about her, and they feel protective of their MM's when they hear 'how horrible his wife is at home etc..'

 

I think for a lot of OW it probably makes them feel better about the morality of the situation if the wife is made out to be a bad person or neglectful or whatever.