That's It! I admit it! I'm soooo freakin' lonely, bizarre, messed up!

[Mezdar]

I have a real monster troublesome problem which I have battled with for most of my life (male, 20). It really has been a real burden on my shoulders. It’s about the severe (and that is accurate) lack of socialising with other people, in general. However, I have never liked things this way, and i haven’t really snapped out of this crisis, you could say. Most of this stuff I have never told anyone, not even my parents. I will tell you how my overall poor social integration skills has affected my time at High School, my beliefs, my self-esteem, my mental state, my job career and even my sexuality. This year I have never felt as different or rare as a person from other people like any other time before. This isn’t your average unsocial story, it’s with a twist. you will find out that I, am not what you would expect, also my erratic beliefs, bizarre and eccentric activity, habits and mental state, my exhibitionist urges, an situation that seemed miraculous, an over-the-top high opinion of myself and still can’t believe I’ve been THAT BAD socially. Well, more to the point, my deepest, darkest secrets that nobody knows about…

 

 

My Time at High School.The main fault and the problem-maker was definitely my time at High School, and I still believe the damaging experience has made such a impact that it why I’m still in a bad position today in the social aspect of things as well as the jobs I have been in since. I still live close to this school as well which I don’t like. The point is, when I started at High School, I became much more socially withdrawn where I began to talk less and it came to the point where I would only talk unless I had to, like somebody asking me a question. I just got worser. Not long after beginning High School, my friends turned their backs on me, I was blatantly ignored as people got used to me not bothering to socialise, which it looked like. I would feel like a ghost or a zombie because of this ignorance and lack of interaction. However, I never wanted things to be like this, I would want to say things that might be funny but never come out with it. I never told teachers the truth about what was going on, and as I will tell you, scared that 1 or 2 of them was going to interrogate me about my social life. I was a loner, with no friends, not close with anyone, never had a relationship with a girl or nothing, didn’t go out at night because there was no one to go out with. I hated it so much, acting the same way (and worsening) every day, like the same old routine, like the film ‘Groundhog Day’. Well, this went on for OVER 5 AND A HALF YEARS. My whole time at High School. I find it unbelievable that for all that no one at High knew what kind of a person I was, only as the guy that didn’t talk. It looks like I had messed up big time, because this a very rare thing to happen to you at High School. I was never physically bullied though at High School, which I am lucky for, as I did look like a soft target. I was called names like gay, so was verbally bullied. At the school before High, I was never this bad, but was quiet and shy but not to the point of being withdrawn. I had friends at school then, but still didn’t really have anyone outside of school. So why did I become like this at High School? Well i would say that the trouble at the start did partly help it to get worser, as it’s not entirely my fault. It became like a habit that I couldn’t stop, and felt restricted and trapped. Things just did not get better at that school. It came to the point where I couldn’t see myself improve, show my personality as I tried to psyche myself up to talk more but it didn’t work. Everyone in my year seemed to be socially better off than me. I felt like I was definitely one of the most ignored and unpopular pupils in the whole. The somewhat surprising twist is I am NOT your stereotypical loner, and if you saw me on the street, your first impression would be positive, and you would never think I was helplessly unsociable at High School, who hasn’t had life good! That just shows me how undeserved and a travesty that I was treated so neglecting at High School. What infuriates me is that it’s been over 2 years and the bad High School influence still runs my life.

 

Within the first 2 weeks of even starting that High School, I didn’t like the way things were going. This was 1996 which was already becoming an enjoyable year having been quite content at the previous school and a lonely but good summer holiday, I had shock though when things took a turn for the worse. Now, I chose this High school because most of my school friends were going there, and would be the safest option for me. However, over the summer my friends seemed to have had an attitude change like becoming more cocky and crude. A small change, but I wasn’t keen on this. I mean, I would talk for a good bit with them as well, so I wasn’t that bad at the time. However as much as they would deny this, they criticize the things I said, which I sometimes said repeatedly. One reason was they walked so slow back to school at lunchtime, I kept telling them to ‘hurry up’ or ‘are you coming?’. Now that is something that could’ve triggered off social skills getting poorer. Actually, in the first few months I did go out with them like 3 times to play football with them. It seemed maybe I was becoming more accepted but in the long term, by the end of the 2nd year, they had had enough of me, and was met by a chorus of ‘get lost’ and ‘f**k off’. So how did it end up like that? Well, a few months into my first year, I had already showed signs that I was talking less and would usually trail at the back of the crowd. Then one day, one guy who I didn’t really talk to, as we were walking up to the shops at lunchtime, then he turns to me, calls me gay and tells me to get lost. It was horrible, I then ran back to the school crying. When they came back to the school the guy said he didn’t mean it and I was back with my ‘friends’. Another problem in that first and second year was I never really bonded with the new kids and all I had was that group, where most were in my last school. What happenend for most of that first year were my ‘friends’ taking the mickey out of me but they weren’t totally serious. They just became more cocky and insensitive like making up songs about me. We were kids becoming teenagers and that is what explains the erratic change in their attitude after the summer and 12,13 and 14 years can immature and an urge to disrespect. The other thing was, and most importantly was I never stood up for myself and supported myself and was always passive to negative remarks and so I made it easy for them to verbally bully me. Yes, that was what it was. Things got darker in the 2nd year and really messed me up mentally at the time. My ‘friends’ then became more serious with their criticisms and genuinely dislike me. Telling me to ‘get lost’, ‘you don’t talk’, ‘you don’t have a personality’ and ‘you don’t have an attitude’. But I didn’t do as they told because there was nobody else for me to hang about with, and I would be on my lonesome. I didn’t tell them that though, which shows how little I would say, maybe even scared to speak of it. Now this sounds totally farcical, but at lunchtime they would try to run away from me and I’d be trying to catch up, and accused me of following them in the playground. They didn’t think of me as a friend anymore. I know this sounds stupid but I was only 14 and would never do something like that now, because it was a complete waste of time. Maybe I was hoping I still had a chance with them. I felt like I wasn’t doing anything wrong, I wasn’t being nasty to them but I just didn’t talk much at this point. They just thought I was annoying now. Then one of the guys would follow me at hometime ( I was always walking on my own by this point), and would threaten to ‘stop following us or I’ll keep following you’ and would tell just to f**k off away from them tomorrow. Remember, I did not tell my parents about any of this. The guy said he actually felt like punching me, but he didn’t. I was really surprised with this guy, because we really got on well at the past school and now he doesn’t like any more. I didn’t want to accept this as reality but I had to.

 

Then one time, a teacher caught me crying after another rejection attempt by the group. I didn’t tell any teachers before about what was going on. But this I felt, I had no other choice but to tell the teacher, but I didn’t tell her the full embarrassing details. I just said these 3 guys were calling me names simply and they got in trouble for it. However, this was much more serious than the teacher thought as it had been going on for ages and I knew my situation at this school was a very strange one and I just couldn’t admit the absolute situation because I don’t know what people will make of it. End up, all my ‘friends’ apologized to me and that maybe they’ve taken too far. Was this a change for the better? No. A week later they were all at again, more vocal as ever. Not too long after the amount of discomfort for them with me became too much, and I had no other choice now to leave this group. Not good for your self esteem when my deterioration of my social cause so much that it had destroyed my once stable friendships, and then left all on own at intervals, looking clueless with no one to be with, disillusioned with the High School. At this point I couldn’t see good things happening at this High School. I felt miserable on my own, and my former friends didn’t care I had no friends at school now. However, 2nd year did end on a better note, when 2 guys from my class let me join their little group. I would say they were unpopular as well, but I was still very quiet though. But then this big-headed guy started telling me to get lost. Like the same story all over again. But the 2 guys wouldn’t allow that. But I still wasn’t that content, as I wasn’t socialising that well. Then I hanged about with this other guy who didn’t have a problem with me. He was an eccentric, badly behaved, but I was well-behaved. He was a nutter but I say he was the best guy I got on with at the High School but later on he would wander about at lunch and disappear, so we weren’t that close. I seemed to in a better social state with than anyone else for some reason. What I do regret, with what I know now, was talking talking more to those 2 girls we sometimes walked about with and get some flirting going on and maybe sex. However, I was only 14 at the time and wasn’t very sexually developed. I only hanged about with the 2 girls for a few weeks. That was really the only time at High School I was walking about with girls, sadly. However the later years of High School, was an overwhelming drag and my social skills got even weaker.

 

I can say that every year at that High School, my social skills just got worser and worser. By 3rd year, I would say some things voluntarily or sometimes answer a question out loud in class, but by 6th year I didn’t speak until I had to. I just couldn’t seem to stop the downward spiral. In 3rd Year, for some reason after the summer the majority of guys in my year hanged about in 1 large group, but then only more guys knew about that I was behaving odd and quiet. It didn’t make things any better. My old group of friends, the ones that turned on me, were there too but I hardly stood about with them, and they never again mentioned about those events like they don’t care, but I wasn’t on good terms with them. The guy who used to threaten me at hometime never talked to me again. Nobody wasn’t really that interested in me, because I just really stood about. I know I looked like a fool but I just couldn’t seem to become a better talker. Some guys thought I was gay, just because I didn’t talk much and it’s seen as a weakness and that this isn’t a manly thing to do, because it seemed like I was too scared to speak up for myself, but I disagree. It wasn’t all about fear. I had trouble talking in normal comfortable conditions never mind when being threatenend. It’s a mental thing where it’s like ‘I can’t be bothered to say this’ or I do feel there’s a laziness to why I didn’t really talk. But I wished I could talk loads, be pleased with how I said things like with CHARISMA. I had trouble using expression in my voice. Sometimes in that school, I could feel really positive and I know how to say things with charisma but it doesn’t come like that. It feels like my voice is holding back on certain stuff. One guy I dreaded was like a big-shot, leader of his small group and when he knew what I was all about he acted like a real bully, being cheeky, giving me a cheeky smile and upsetting comments. He once said to me as a wasp was flying next to me ‘that wasps your only friend’, and thinking I was a nerd but by this time, I wasn’t studying as much as I used to, because it reminds of the boring, sad everyday life at that bloody school. What I was scared about was this was the kind of guy who would ask questions at me and that he would try to find out who were my friends outside of school, and if I had a girlfriend, and I didn’t have any of these things, and had no social life. I feared of being officially exposed as an outright loner but thankfully that never happen, because there wasn’t enough interest in me. Ignorance from people in my year became more common in the later years. It came to the point where I had gone through so much suffering that there wasn’t any light at the end of the tunnel. By 4th Year, I was thinking of leaving High School and going to another one. I thought that I should ‘read the writing on the wall’ and that it was time to leave. By 6th I was all alone and felt at my lowest depth. It just came to the point where they didn’t care about me, and I didn’t care about them.

 

There were 2 teachers who I felt noticed my withdrawn behaviour and I was scared they might get personal with me. First was my Physics teacher. There was this intense unease between us, and I knew he really must wonder what I’m all about and that he was onto something here that most other teachers didn’t notice about me. So I was scared to ask him for help, and when he took me outside class, he gave me row for not asking for help and contributing. However, I thought he went too far when, before the mock exams, he told me he was going to phone up my parents tell them to come up to the school and tell them that you’re son will probably fail his Physics exam. However, that phone call never came. He said the same thing again before the final exams, but nothing happened. Maybe he thought he was in the wrong with this and didn’t bother. The guy was actually a funny teacher but he wasn’t good news to me. In the last ever talk he gave me, he said ‘that I’ve dug myself into a hole and I can’t get out’. I was scared he was to say to me if I actually have a social life, which he might’ve been dying to say. This was an unfair statement, but the sad fact is, it ringed true. I felt trapped in my situation at High School and if could’ve got out of this mess, it would have to be at the very beginning. It seemed like there was no way back to stop the damage of my social skills by the end of it. I didn’t have him in 6th year, but I got a shock when he turned up to do my History class one day, and I knew that it was eating him alive that he couldn’t figure me out. The spooky thing was in that class, I could see at the corner of my eye, I could see him with his arms folded staring at me, and he was nearby me as well. I could not look at this guy directly by this point.

 

The 2nd teacher to get personal with was more the kind of looks he gave me than what he said, but I just had him for a few classes. One day we were supposed to revise for something, the teacher asked us if we revised. I don’t know what I was thinking but I said no, which was true. Just like the other guy, he took me outside the class, and I really didn’t know what to say. My talking was a bit confused and then this guy had a strange but arrogant smile on his face at me, like he just found out something amusing about me, like there just something wrong with me, but he did it again with this smug smile, in a bullying tone because I really did look like the ‘odd one out’. There was something disturbing and twisted going on with this guy, because one day I’m sitting at the very back of the class, working away, the whole class was working away. Then suddenly, I look up, and at the very front of the class, the teacher is sitting at his desk, and I swear to God, was staring at me with that smug smile on his face. Either he thought I was this weak-minded, gay social outcast or he fancied me because of my looks ( read further down for more info about that). That was the last time I had him for class.

 

At High School, there was a difference between how the boys reacted to me and how the girls reacted to me. The guys in general, ignored me, the girls ignored me EVEN MORE. You might think it’s because I’m ugly. Far from it. Because you see er..that’s the twist. Your stereotypical loner is someone who is ugly or fat. I am neither. In fact, I have no other choice but to admit, because of what I have witnessed in real life that I am a very attractive guy, and it’s all about the face. I may not have the best body, I am not strong and fit but slim and fit. The front of my face is very feminum for a guy, so I would say I’m very pretty for a guy. However, my looks didn’t seem to mean nothing for all they years at High School, as when the girls knew what I was like, they didn’t bother with me. I’m certain some were actually scared of me, because I was like an enigma to people with no deep insight to me. I’m sure 2 or 3 girls fancied me but because I seemed to be unapproachable, so they never did approach me. It was one of faults that I wanted to but didn’t bother to make an effort to speak to girls. I was also that at High School usually, each sex hangs about with their own sex. I had trouble speaking to guys never mind girls. This of course, I didn’t like. Well, guys were more prepared to make an effort to talk to you and less so with girls. All this uninterest from girls left a feeling like I was just an average looking guy, but I always felt like I was good looking but not THAT good looking at the time. However, now i know it wasn’t about the looks, as this being too quiet stuff probably made them think I was less of a man, not speaking up for myself. Now, considering that I know how good looking I really am, it made me think that there was something that some girls weren’t letting on. You see, I hardly ever heard girls talk about my looks, but when they it was “gorgeous”. This didn’t happen very much though. Strangely, it was mostly girls from younger years who mentioned this, calling it out to me as I was passing. I only got a comment from 1 girl in my year ever, and she asked me if “ I had a girlfriend”, I said “no”, then she said something like “ you will one day…because you’re gorgeous”. At this time, I appreciated the comment, but didn’t think much of it because there was always more negative than positive. Well today, I’ve still never had a girlfriend sadly. However, the remarkable thing happenend was that women took me as a legitimately good looking guy, and I can now notice it everytime I walk down a busy street. It seemed like I had become better looking, but the fact is I still had the same face at school. I feel now that I was the best looking guy at school in my year, but that doesn’t mean you’re going to be popular.

 

 

My Beliefs and sexuality. I actually used to be strongly anti-homosexual, like I couldn’t stand gays, but now I’m very liberal with sex. Maybe because I was called gay at school sometimes and that 1 guy I couldn’t stand was obviously gay looking, unpopular and I had to sit next to him in class. However, there was one thing I did from fantasising that made me have to ditch the anti-homo thing, because I’m really not. Now I fantasise about gay sex a lot but in reality I feel straight mostly, maybe because I am not around woman much and not getting get intimate with them. I never used to like Porn. I would not look at all at it, but now I really like Porn, but more rather the sexual freedom it portrays. You see I started becoming curious about it and started watching topless women, but then I became more hungry to see more hardcore porn to point of wanting to see wild crazy naked sex orgies. At one point I became addicted to Porn, where I made up my own Yahoo Group for Porn with images of lesbian orgies, threesomes and gay porn. I laid off the Porn completely now. However it’s like corrupted my mind with filth and I’ll show you how liberal I’ve became and how I would like to be a sex exhibitionist. I think people must think I’m sick. I really also that it’s all these years with a lot of time on my own and not really getting on with anyone or no girlfriends. Years ago, I never wanted to be a show-off, but this I have increasingly fantasised about having sex in public and having an orgy in public. More recently is the urge to get totally naked in public and in the right places, and if people are willing, have sex in a club or street, the more sexually explicit, the better. The closest I’ve got to that is masturbating outside naked ( but nobody saw me) and masturbating dressed as a girl at an hotel room window ( somebody could’ve saw me). This leads on to the fact that I’ve been masturbating for over 6 years now, and it does make you look like a loser when you’re still a virgin. I’ve tried to stop it many times but I can’t stop doing it.

 

After believing I hated gays at one point, today I can say I am not totally straight. In reality, I prefer women, but I feel like a bisexual, because – maybe it’s the absence of women in my life- I mostly fantasise about gay sex, like I imagine passionately kissing a good looking guy with a muscular body. I’ve gotten worser fantasising about naked gay group sex. However, I reality I’m not that enthusiastic about men at all, like most guys I don’t fancy at all, but hey, I’ve never been in a situation if a ripped topless good looking guy offered me sex. I still feel I would do it though.

 

The one thing that stopped me being anti-homosexual, was the decision to put on women’s make up. I knew if I did this then I could not be like that ever again, as it went against everything I thought about. So yes I also have transvestite fetish, and I enjoy it but I only just put on make-up wearing hot pants and suggestive top like a slut, but only in private, but I’ve actually would like to walk about like this, and I fantasise having sex dressed as a girl with other men or transvestites. Am I making sense?

 

I admit yet, despite years of social withdrawnness I am f***king full of myself, yet I don’t really show it all in public. I have a really big ego. I feel like I am the guy with the best looking, prettiest looking face ever. Now I compare a lot with guys I see on Tv or in the street and I am adamant that no one has matched my looks. What I’m saying is all the other guys just have more masculine faces than me, and I have I very feminum looking face from the front. You see it is the attention I get in the street from women and guys, you look at you more than a glance. I couldn’t believe the type of attention I got from women such as eye contact this year, I didn’t expect what a strong point my looks were. I might not be everybody’s taste, but for somebody who has never had things that good, to be ignored a lot at school and getting over the top attention from people sometimes, it made me believe more and more in my looks. The way I see it is that, female beauty is superior to male beauty because it gets so much more fanfare than guys which I’m not that keen on. But the best looking guys universally, are the ones who are the most feminum looking ones. I’ m so much more vein now. However, despite the attention, attractive women still won’t approach me, because usually men are expected to do the approaching. By the way, I have never boasted about my looks to anyone in real life. I feel like I live in an upside down world though, as people would be surprised if I told them I’ve never had a girlfriend. This year, I’ve really wanted one but I don’t have a good alibi to why I don’t have any friends, and I don’t want to lie because I’ll eventually get found out.

 

That is the main reason I like to dress up as a woman. Not kidding but with make up on correctly and wig, I make a very convincing woman and you wouldn’t tell the difference. I look like a beautiful woman in the face. That’s why I do it. Got the small frame but reasonably good looking body for it as well. Really though, as a guy I find it really hard to be disappointed when I look in the mirror my looks are too good to be true. I’ve been called “gorgeous”, “lovely looking” and beautiful in my life as an adult, but because I have spend little time talking to girls ( the only times are at work, hairdressers etc.)and most of them just won’t say it to your face.

 

You see I haven’t made much of an effort to approach girls and not much luck either. There was a time when I thought if I just sat at a bar or something a girl would approach me, I didn’t have the guts ask them out, but it didn’t work. The reason I did this for some time was this miraculous thing happened at Montreal Airport where I was sitting down in busy gate waiting area, when I was looking around a lot there was at one point 5 or 6 women were simultaneously staring at me, 3 of them had seen me before with my family, as they were part of my coach group. This totally spooked me out as it seemed something was at work here, not believing it was my looks. Then this 1 girl who was sitting a long distance away from had been staring at me for sometime, and then suddenly she started signalling to me to come over to her! This amazed me! I was so tempted to go over there but I couldn’t because I was with my family. I knew for sure she was signalling to me. That’s how it all started, after me believing I was just moderately good looking. So after that, I noticed the same effect but not to that scale. This holiday to Canada had totally changed my mindset and life! That was 2003. In 2004 I became more and more convinced that it was my looks that caused and not something supernatural happening. I mean I get some women and guys speeding away in their cars turning their heads at me which I don’t think happens to many guys, even when I’m inside the car. Women can be so sly and subtle with their looks. However what really tells me my looks are a hit is that there can be more guys eyeing me up than women in the street, either to admire or envy, some guys sigh for some reason or mutter to themselves after passing me. Despite all this potential, it’s amazing for the fact that I have still never been on a date with a girl, I’ve never had a proper chance. Yes, it is down to my lack of effort..mostly. In 2004 for the first time ever, I did approach women. In my home country I tested out the waters by approaching nice looking women and asking for directions, but didn’t have the guts to ask them out, and also that having to lie that I had friends to them I can’t stand. I asked about 5 or 6 women and the results were positive. 1 became a nervous wreck and 1 I thought was going to ignore but she didn’t. So the first woman I ever approached, ever, I mean, was actually a very attractive woman. I really do surprise myself, well that’s because I feel like a big time under-achiever, because I know I’m lots more capable of what I can do. I feel like a big personality with loads charisma but I come off looking bland with lack of expression in voice. Restrained as well. After not knowing the name of the street, there was a bit of a pause between me and the very attractive woman before she left, and I knew it was up to me to add something else. I definitely thought she fancied, but it’s that damn social history that’s putting me off and too risky in the area you live in, cause I just not gonna allow to have a long term relationship, because I’m not a good liar and cannot face to say that yeah, I have no friends, acted like a mannequin at High School. However, if I was on holiday, then I had my chance to raise my game and ask girls out and ah, yes, my America holiday came along…

 

What I wanted out of this holiday was that female company and I was all mentally prepared to be more assertive and get to talk to an attractive woman and get at least a snog out of it. Oh, never kissed a girl either ( this is ridiculous!). I really wanted this. And YES, I did approach 4 women on that holiday, but all on the 1 night, as the holiday began there was promising potential with the women, like getting the eye contact. So I went out on my own at midnight in New Orleans, and here’s the guy who had trouble communicating over 5 and a half years at High School damaging severely his social skills, not being assertive with the girls, never had a girlfriend, a virgin, and the first ever girl I asked out was an….ABSOLUTE STUNNER! She was one of the best looking women I had seen on the whole holiday. This very attractive blonde was sitting on a stool at the entrance of this club, I assumed she must be working in club. She was staring at me, before I even approached her. Then I went up to her and asked her out for a drink. She seemed shy. She was smiling most of the time at me. I felt so strange because this felt so alien to me doing this. But I just had no other choice but to do the approaching because women don’t approach me. I had to repeat myself, then she says “no, I can’t”, then I say “Are you on the job?” she says yes. Then I said “ what type of job do you do? She started to look uncomfortable and seemed embarrassed that I didn’t know already or about her job. As soon as she looked wavered, I knew what kind of job It was. I then said “is it stripping”, she said yes. So she was a stripper. After I just didn’t know what to say. She was smiling at me. Then she said that I can go into the club but I couldn’t as I wasn’t 21. But she didn’t say it like I’ll come in with you, just on my own. The 2nd girl I asked out looked wrecked but then her boyfriend came up beside her, but I thought she was on her own. The 3rd was just standing outside a shop and I went up to her, but then she said “ I’m waiting for my husband” which I believed, because I can see that she fancied me. The 4th woman completely ignored me. I said excuse me twice. It was in a quieter part of Bourbon street and she was with no one. It wasn’t as brightly lit as the busier parts. She must’ve saw me as well. I was stunned as I dreaded this might happen, but also a bit humorous. After that, I was deflated and weary. I knew I should’ve made more of an effort. I then trundled back to the hotel, tried to keep it in, but cried my heart out.

 

Another thing you should know, is the next night after that in New Orleans, I was thinking about revolting against the previous nights events, and I was seriously thinking about getting f***ing wrecked and hooking up with a gay dude, ask then get naked with him ( or more than 1 guy) and f**k him up the a** in full view of the public. However, when it came to it, I didn’t feel the urge but I wasn’t with any guys at all, so I didn’t do it, but if I was talking to a gay, who knows! However I believed it was going to happen that night. Know why? Because the tour guide says guys get naked in the gay area in New Orleans in the early hours in the morning. What hype! Anyone know this is true?

 

That was November 2004. I now want to get into a better position to get friends and a girlfriend. I’m not keen on my current job, working with my dad only, and looking for another job right now. I’ve never been in a job where there’s good looking women working alongside. Also, what worries me is that I still see people from my year in High School walking about town and it drives me nuts. If I were to live on my own, I would live in another country miles away from those d*cks. If I had my own pad, I would make much more of an effort as I would be away from my family and a passable reason for having no one to hang about and that is I’m new in this area. I can’t go on like this, people won’t believe I’ve never had a girlfriend if I told them. I’ve actually thought I could get a job as a model, because it may be my only option of getting a high-paid job. I looked up about it on the internet and I knew there was a catch to it, as it’s not all about looks. You have to be business-like, have a personality and a port folio. I have watch myself coming out like I’m wooden or something, I can be a colourful character.

 

What good has happenend to me? Well, I’m mentally stronger than I was in my early teens. 2004 was not as great as I expected but my communication skills have improved considerably but could be much better. Plus, in the American holiday I came on leaps and bounds with my talking, and it left me quite impressed by the progression on that week ( I’m not easy to impress). However, I did get to talk to an attractive girl on the holiday, but she was with her friends and she was only 15. Swapped e-mail addresses with her. One of the best holidays I’ve had. I’m still disappointed with 2004 though. It’s actually my best year of the 2000’s so far, but that’s not saying much. I live in the past because I still

Feel I’m not being my true self, like in 1991 where I felt very content with myself, my best ever year. But that was when I was 7! I just think I’m a rare, eccentric-at-heart individual with rare looks. Remember I do not boast any of this to the outside world, writing it down about it makes it easy and this is what goes through my mind. Maybe all that strife at High School triggered off flirting with gay sex in my head and my tranny fetish.

 

What am I thinking about now? Trying to make myself more positive, seems to be an element missing, possibly change my mindset because this whole thing is driving me nuts, I’m sorry but I just had to admit all this! I need to get a more sociable job first of all…Actually this thing I’ve written is driving me to make 2005 a monster year for me!

[gwennebe]

I think you ned to see a professional regarding your problems. You may need medication. Your problems could by related to a physical condition. Look up a mental health care professional in your area and good luck.

[Jason5]

Your story is very similar to mine, however I’m still living it. When I first started high school I was a popular boy with enough friends to keep me content, however it came a time were I started to get noticed by the most popular group and was bullied from where I came from and verbally abused, u see I want born in the UK but my English was perfect and no one could really tell, but I am dyslectic and having missed out on the first few years of school and having learning difficulties I was in the bottom sets for everything. Like yourself I was a good looking lad, perfect clear skin not even one spot I never appreciated that fact, when the bullying started this was the turning point in my life I backed down and became less social, rather then going out every weekend I’d stay at home on my computer. At the end of high school I found myself to be lacking in confidence with no friends, poor grades and acne I was 16 years old.

 

At the start of college I did a year course to get me into the proper course because of my poor grades, so I was now a year behind my so called friends. As a lot of people in my position do I need attention, affection and to be social but I got none of it because I was now a social outcast with males and girls were no longer interested in me because of this and my acne. When I walked down the street and I’d never go out unless I really hard to I’d walk with my head on the ground looking at no one. I didn’t even go out shopping or anything. Anyway because of this urge of wanted to be part of something I became interested in certain cults like the KKK and the nazi partys, although I have never been an active supporter I do follow and understand their quest. (no one else knows this) I started to hate and that grew, the hate grew to the people at high school and it got to the point where murder did pop in an out of my mind.

 

Jumping to the second year of college I was now in the real group but these people were a joke, social outcast like myself, losers, geeks, ugly gits that would never amount to anything, I was with these people because I had no one else, I’ve always been different with people and have trouble keeping or making friends for some reason I need people so I can be happy but I don’t care for them. I started to focus on my work and got A/B grades.

 

In my last year of college I got a job at a supermarket and this really brought me out of my shell because I met so many nice people, I was only there 4 months this finished college and was offered to train as a manager and study at uni which they would pay for. I had to leave for 3 months to train in a different part of the country I was only 19 and the youngest there so everyone took the piss out of me and as for my so called friends I made when I first started at the supermarket I’ve heard nothing from them… a** holes!! So much for friendship!!

 

I’m now still 19 and a manager controlling a large team of people but at work I’m very different, more out going etc but every day I come back home to nothing, no friends and mostly importantly no girl friend, I’ve been single for almost 4 years and my acne is still present but fading !! in fact I never had a girl sexually and I’m soon to be 20, this puts me down alot and i find myslef masterbating 4-5 times aday which i might add also gives me spots but i cant stop.

 

I’m finding it very hard to learn to accept that I’m different and this is how things are ment to be because I don’t want to be like this, I want to be like everyone else. Deep down I’m a nice guy and care for peope, but I have a dark and sadistic side of me that I find hard to suppress. Why did this have to happen to me!!! I blame the source of my problem to high school and that leads me back to murder a si cant change the past but these people must pay, the only thing right now stopping me is the fact I’ve down better in life, I driver a better car if we worked at the same place they’d work for me so I win that way but life isn’t all fun and games for some people so be careful of who u hurt and just remember we all have feelings, no one deserves to be put down because one day someone like me may snap.

 

So i ask of u, what do i do?am i differnet and accept the fact or do i need to be shown the path and try to fit in agian but i tell u, one more rejection and thats it, others shall suffer.

[Mezdar]

Thanks!

[Mezdar]

Jason5, i feel for you. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment. I did hate that High School. I can feel very bitter at times of how most other people have got friends and partners. However, i still feel that i dealt with this very well. It's mostly down to the point though that i am no making much of an effort.

 

I too have worked with people who were ugly and not too flattering looking, i did feel like the odd one out because i'm the one with the striking looks. At least 2 girls had a crush on me, but i did not go out with them, beacuse i am very looks orientated.

[moimeme]

Both of you need professional help. Jason, please find a counsellor for yourself.

[jason5]

I just wanted Mezdar to know he's not the only one.... i missed out on a big part of growing up too because i have now have a problem in making contact with girls, speaking to them or making that first move forget it but when i'm at work i'm a different perosn it's like being an actor..... people have no idea what i'm really about, no one understands me and when they find out they get scared so if anyone else knows what it's like, keep quite, tell no one, it's not worth it... just keep going

[Strike3]

I didn't read your whole post because it was hella long, but here is the best advice I can give you. I had friends and girlfriends and stuff through highschool, but I was kinda anti-social while at school. Now that im older (23) I realize the biggest thing that I was missing was confidence. You have to find that within yourself. Stop caring about what other people thing of you. If you make a bad joke and people laugh at you, learn to play it off in a confident way and you'll never hear anything else about it. If you show signs of weakness, people will eat you alive. Keep your head up, talk with some power in your voice, look people straight in the eye, it will make a difference, trust me. Fake confidence works almost as well as real confidence. High school can be hard, people pick on the weaker and less confident. Fortunantly we live in a time where there is a ton of information about this topic on the internet. Do some research and take it one step at a time.

 

I really learned how to hone in on these skills when I got a job as a waiter. What a great chance to work on your social skills! You get to talk to people all the time, and if you are good socially and are able to be comfortable with others, you'll get better tips and so forth. So there is incentive to work on yourself.

[NiCoLe20]

yea that post was definitley too long but it was interesting at the same time...

 

see i experienced the oppostite... i was very outgoing and friendly throughout high school and had friends. this got me to where i am today....i have confidence in my self and what i do and its brought me a long way when it comes to my job and stuff like that. i am 20 yrs old btw... which i think is about the same age as you.

 

now...this whole transsexual thing scares me off quiet abit... it sounds like your stuck in the middle and you dont know if you like guys or girls... i think that you have to find yourself..and 2005 is a good excuse in doing so. you gotta figure out if you like girls (which i would hope) or guys. you say you have striking good looks so whats the problem bro?!! lol ... i think it all comes down to approaching girls. you gotta do it in a sexy and intriguing way. you cant ask for directions and stuff like that b/c girls nowadays want someone with a challenge.. so when u see a girl u thinks attractive walk by and say hey beautiful or whats up cutie? i get that from guys and thats the approach i like to hear. i mean all girls are different but from my opion, thats what i would like a guy to say to me if he's interested. i usually will walk over and start talking b/c thats how i am... i like to meet people you know... you learn alot about yourself and others and in your case you gotta open up!!

 

take chances out there before you end up old and lonely. if you set ur mind to it (mind over matter) you will get what you want. if you want a relationship and work for it with meeting people you will get it. join the gym, or whatever is around you where kids chill out. youll eventually meet people. even if you ask ?'s like where you live, what kinda car you have...you'll meet people and you'll see what your missing out on.

 

as far as your whole identity thing--please figure out if your interested in girls or guys. i mean its sad to hear a hot guy dressing up as a girl. we dont want that!!!!! seriously lol go to a strip club by urself even, sit down with a drink and get a lap dance.... atleast you'll see what sexual contact is all about with a female...and you may even love it... this is a step into overcoming your nervousness with girls. i mean i cant tell you what to do im just giving you my advice you know. but you gotta knock down your walls and start talking to people. FORGET about your past... you cant go back and change it and you gotta accept that for what it is. start a NEW chapter in your life and worry about ur future- plan on doing big things this year and dont dwell on the past...just forget it and move forward! you go bro!!!!!!!

[Pocky]

I was now in the real group but these people were a joke, social outcast like myself, losers, geeks, ugly gits that would never amount to anything,

 

 

Pot meet kettle.

[renee2004]

Hey there, well even though you have had some issues in your life, you sounded quite positive by the end of your post so maybe you are finally becoming to truly know and understand yourself and what you want out of life. Maybe a lot of the problems you had in high school stemmed from your confusion about your sexuality? Because think about it, start of high school is when you go through puberty and start becoming interested in sex. The fact that you fantasise a lot about guys and the fact you see yourself as appearing feminine suggests to me that you may be gay!? But hey, this is just how it looks to me! I would suggest that maybe you search out some guys of that sexual orientation to chat to on the net through a chat program or email, it might help you sort out some issues. But whatever happens good luck with sorting everything out!!!

[gridiron]

Mezdar, I would recommend a book called Self Matters by Dr. Phil. The book takes you step by step through an examination of your personal history from childhood forward, to try to see how past events, decisions, and people have shaped you, for better or for worse, into who you are today. It then walks you through using this knowledge to help you discover your true self. I wouldn't write off the idea of seeking a psychologist either. Despite the trivialization of what they do by some well-adjusted and healthy people who do not need them, they are professionally trained to help those who do need some guidance, such as yourself. Best of luck.

[Mezdar]

Let me set things straight here. I DO prefer women to guys. I fantsise a lot about gay sex, but in reality I am obsessed about women, and to see If they are looking at me in the street.

 

There’s also something else I should tell you concerning sexuality. There is like a fight between the good side and the bad side of my sexual personality.

 

My good side is the one that has lived longer in my mind than my bad side. It’s about the thought of being romantically involved with a good looking woman, nothing seedy or lewd. The thought of kissing her, holding her in my arms. I started having feelings about women at the age of 9 or 10, where back in the mid-90s, I would daydream about what I’ll be like in my 20s and getting intimate with a woman I have seen off the TV. It would just go as far as passionate kiss, because I didn’t know about sex at the time. I always thought that my best years were yet to come, like in my 20s. Remember, I didn’t think of myself as THAT attractive at the time, but I still thought I would be good looking, NOT very good looking. Of course, I still think about this, but with the sex, but what I miss is the innocence I had back then, not having any filth in my mind.

 

To put it simply, my bad side just wants to engage in hedonistic but lewd sex acts of all kinds, nude or partly nude, in front of other people, to be as offensive as possible, to be the centre of attention, have gay sex and dress up as a woman doing any of the things I just mentioned. I have got worser with this over the past year. I find something really self-humiliating if I did this stuff, but I fantasise knowing I’m humiliating myself and not caring. Also, because I think I will have a more intense orgasm doing this. There’s also a self-destructive aspect of this as well. I think about getting totally wrecked (p***ed on alcohol) and doing this stuff. I just feel like this filth has corrupted my mind and that I can’t repair the damage.

 

This all started in 2001, when curious, I started watching Porn on Tv for the first time ever. It just involved topless women, but I’ve never watched gay porn, but looked at it on the internet. I just became more immune to the Porn and wanted to see more explicit sex on Tv, like group sex. So I looked for that type of stuff on the internet, so I had a Porn addiction. However recently, I’ve a complete stop to this, driven by the fact that I feel like I’d rather perform it, than watch it. I’m getting worser with my masturbating, I get naked doing it, fantasising being in front of a crowd giving some fit guy having anal sex. I have masturbated outdoors, I have masturbated at a window 3 times with the risk of being watched, twice in broad daylight! But not in my house window. I do feel like a sick person.

 

However, the question is what side will I go for in real life? Well, I think I could end up doing both.

 

I like Dr Phil, and will see about his book or website. Some great advice.

[Mezdar]

Do you think i may have a sexual disorder?