any in how to not care about what others think of you

[down hearted]

I care so much about what people think about me and i am always trying my best to make others happy, for instance my MIL and i do not talk after an incident that occurred, now mysteriously my husband's sister never answers my texts or responds period and i know she is the type to be on the phone 24/7 so i guess my MIL must have said something to her for her to stop talking to me, i don't know why it bothers me so much that they hate me, i guess because part of me wants them to know i have been nothing but good and respectful and my MIL just likes to play victim. Hubby is very supportive of me and always stands up for me which is the only opinion i should care about, but it bothers me and it feels bad that me and his family are not getting along when i am trying my best here but they make it difficult.

 

I have really low self esteem, do any of you guys care about how others see you? how can i stop feeling this way, how can i stop caring so much about what others think when i know in my heart i have been good to them?

 

p.s. when posting it changed my title of the thread because of regulations or something i added the word advice but it deleted it off my title

[Meadowgreen]

I care so much about what people think about me and i am always trying my best to make others happy, for instance my MIL and i do not talk after an incident that occurred, now mysteriously my husband's sister never answers my texts or responds period and i know she is the type to be on the phone 24/7 so i guess my MIL must have said something to her for her to stop talking to me, i don't know why it bothers me so much that they hate me, i guess because part of me wants them to know i have been nothing but good and respectful and my MIL just likes to play victim. Hubby is very supportive of me and always stands up for me which is the only opinion i should care about, but it bothers me and it feels bad that me and his family are not getting along when i am trying my best here but they make it difficult.

 

I have really low self esteem, do any of you guys care about how others see you? how can i stop feeling this way, how can i stop caring so much about what others think when i know in my heart i have been good to them?

 

p.s. when posting it changed my title of the thread because of regulations or something i added the word advice but it deleted it off my title

 

It's completely normal and natural to worry about what others think of you. Way back when, in the caveman days, it was necessary for us to stay in good graces with our tribe. If you were well-liked by your peers, you got to eat when the hunters came home, you were protected from predators, and sometimes you even got to mate and perpetuate your bloodline.

 

Nowadays, the human need for validation has been blown out of all proportion, and we are more vulnerable than ever. From social media to your own friends and family, we're under a constant assault of influences telling us "you're not good enough, if you only did _________ / looked like ________ / had ______ in your bank account / owned __________, THEN you'd be worthy of love at last!"

 

Society can't function without this human need to be validated, but you need to draw the line at some point. You need to get to a place where you shut out all of that noise and realise once and for all that YOU ARE ENOUGH JUST AS YOU ARE.

 

Finding validation within yourself, loving yourself and accepting yourself is the ONLY way forward. Give someone's opinion of you too much importance, and you give them your power.

 

If you look online, you'll find so many articles, self-help webinars and blogs talking all about how to love yourself, and I'm not talking about conceit or arrogance. I'm talking about having a healthy respect for yourself, because when you foster that, you'll finally be in a position to find and enjoy the loving relationship you deserve.

[RightThere]

I can say it's almost a curse that I care so little about what people think about me.

 

How do I do it? I usually just think about how another person's thoughts of me really impact my life on a day to day basis. So very little. When I hear that someone doesn't like me, my first thought is always "Well so and so must be an idiot."

 

If other people can control parts of my life, then I do concern myself with what they think. But if the cannot, then why would I worry about what they think if they cannot affect my life in any way?

[spiderowl]

I used to be just like you, worrying all the time what people thought of me. I don't know what happened to me but gradually, over the years, I started to realise that if I treated people with respect and they were not capable of doing likewise, it was their immaturity behind it and not my fault.

 

I think my attitude also changed when I 'grew up'. This was not a conscious thing - and in fact came quite late in life compared with some - but was a realisation that if I had opinions and ideas that were different to others, it didn't matter. I wasn't wrong; they weren't necessarily wrong either, we were just different people with different perspectives. I try to look at things more from a distance - a bit like a parent watching children, I suppose. Seeing if they are playing nicely, understanding what would upset one but not the other, seeing how they struggle to share things sometimes. It helps to realise that adults are children underneath it all too. They look big, but they have desires, needs, fears.

 

Also, having read quite a lot of psychology books (some of which were more helpful than others), I can see that if people get upset or their behaviour changes for the worse, it's usually because they feel threatened and they are reacting from a position of fear deep down. It's not always easy to see why and it is painful if directed towards you, but sometimes you can see and sometimes you can react or ignore such behaviour, depending on what suits you.

 

I have found these things have helped me. Plus, having confidence in myself and my ideas has helped. I know I should have acted more on instinct in the past because, looking back, problems happened when I didn't trust my instincts. Overconfident people tend to win the day through speed, forcefulness and noise, but these people aren't always right and in fact often get things wrong. Trust yourself and your understanding more and you might find you have less need to feel defensive towards others too.

Edited December 3, 2013 by spiderowl

[The Shepherd]

It is not possible to live among people without them caring about you or you caring about them.

[The Shepherd]

You affect peoples' lives and they affect your life even if you don't know. You will have to find a way which is beneficial to you if you want to live among people.

[Meadowgreen]

You can care about the feedback you're getting from other people and weigh up which of it is constructive or not, but you don't need their opinions to validate you. The key is to live in a way you can be proud of, even if that's just being a good person.

 

If you're doing bad things, living selfishly, upsetting people, hurting yourself in some way, then of course that feedback is important. But if, like I was until quite recently, it just takes one person's lousy off the cuff remark / baseless opinion on how you live your life / abrupt tone of voice to ruin your whole day, then that's a strong indicator that you're relying too much on validation from other people.

[down hearted]

i just feel that i hate that my husband's parents have a bad view of me when i have been there for them 24/7 and my MIL is spreading lies, it just makes me feel terrible. I wish i didn't care but everyday i give so much importance to them. They didn't bother to call me, or even text for thanksgiving after i did lower myself to do so because i felt i should be the bigger person and just play nice. I guess playing nice caused my MIL to turn my husband's sister against me and it bothers me that i can't do anything about it.

 

I guess as some of you stated, these are immature individuals that need to be ignored,… regardless of them been my in laws my conscience is clear that at least on my part i was never disrespectful to them, good thing is i won't be around for long, once hubby comes home we will be going back to our house which is out of state no where near my in laws. I feel like damn if i do damn if i don't, if i don't congratulate them for the holidays is bad, if i do they don't answer me so idk.

Once hubby is done with deployment he is going straight to our house which is when i will then leave this city which is where both his and my parents live at. I shouldn't even drop by his parents to say goodbye the day am leaving right? since they haven't bothered to call or even say a word to me?…i hate that i care so much that other may think bad of me!

 

 

spider owl: I started to realise that if I treated people with respect and they were not capable of doing likewise, it was their immaturity behind it and not my fault.

 

you are so right on this, as long as i know i did my part thats more than enough. I am just so insecure though.

 

Meadowgreen:

 

your right it should be enough of how i feel and think i shouldn't seek validation from anyone not even my MIL.

[SpiralOut]

I often feel this way too. I have started to care less what others think when I question WHY it bothers me. Am I worried that they think I'm selfish? That they think I'm unimportant? Then I ask myself how I feel about myself. Do I think I am selfish? Do I think I'm unimportant? Is that why I hope for others to not think that way, in order to validate that I am a giving, good-hearted person who matters?

 

 

Sometimes I worry that others think I am stupid. They really do treat me that way sometimes. It gets to me more than it should because I feel bad about not doing anything with my education. So I have started to validate myself by taking free online courses and starting to write some research papers that I will publish online or maybe send to magazines later. It reinforces the fact that I am smart and I'm not just letting my brain rot.

Doing this helps me to see others in another light. Instead of taking their comments personally, I can see they are doing it for reasons that have nothing to do with me. They have their own issues that makes them act that way.

 

 

Ask yourself what you are hoping to get from these people. Maybe I'm wrong but it sounds to me like you want to be appreciated, which is totally understandable. Look for another way, a different place to get that feeling.

[Meadowgreen]

i just feel that i hate that my husband's parents have a bad view of me when i have been there for them 24/7 and my MIL is spreading lies, it just makes me feel terrible.

 

This is never easy to deal with, especially when you've bent over backwards to make amends with them. Some people are just incapable of seeing past their pride and have so little going on in their lives that they create drama out of nowhere - again, to validate their existence.

 

It's my belief that mean people have themselves been a victim of powerplays like this. They themselves have constantly had affection given then swiftly taken away to establish dominance, so they don't know any better. They then regain that power as adults by applying it to anyone they think is an 'easy target' and will dance to their tune. There's few things more empowering to emotionally cruel people than seeing someone desperately trying to gain approval off them. This woman sounds like a bully too, turning your sister in law against you.

 

If you know you've genuinely reached out to them and made an effort (which you have, by what you've told us) then there's no need for you to do any more other than be a decent human being. You certainly don't need these small-minded individuals to say 'okay, you've jumped through enough hoops for us to like you'. Who the hell are they anyway?

 

Just focus on being a good person to those immediately around you and remind yourself constantly that you are a kind person worthy of love and respect, because you are.

 

I think it would be a good idea to move away though. Sometimes physical distance is the only remedy (as it has been for me and certain members of my family).

Edited December 7, 2013 by Meadowgreen

[mea_M]

In the past I cared a great deal. It was toxic to my soul. Now that I'm self confident what others think truly does not matter. If I let it matter they are in control of me because I'd be allowing it. I won't allow it. So don't allow it and work on your inner sense of self. That's the ticket to emotional freedom. My best to you.

 

Mea

[down hearted]

thank you everyone, i am starting to work on these issues and i realized that the toxic people who only cause hurt in my life need to be isolated away from me. Some individuals just never change, that is why i need to change myself in feeling more secure about myself and love myself more.

 

Meadowgreen: Thankfully my husband and i do live far far far veryyyyy far away from them but i am visiting my parents for the holidays which happens to be in the same city as my in-laws.

 

Your right, i don't need to be jumping through hoops or bending my back to please them when it was not I who messed up but my MIL who cursed me off with f-bombs. I will just leave after the holidays are over and not even tell them goodbye since obviously they don't care about me enough to visit me or talk to me after i tried regardless of who's fault it was while i am here visiting for such a short while.

they don't even ask about their son or call to ask.

i did my part and this is where i start to build my self-confidence, i need to stop caring, sooner or later they will realize i was nothing but good. As long as i know it and as long as my husband knows it and is on my side its all that matters.