Feelings for coworker...we are both married

[beach]

Get a new job unless you intend to ruin your marriage!

 

It will progress - and that will ruin the R with your H.

 

 

And stop putting blame on your H - you are the one you are responsible for. Your poor choices to flirt with the co worker is terribly inappropriate = you're ready for a full affair but just not stating it up front.

[crederer]

It's cool. Your husband is probably banging one of his co-workers too.

 

But in all seriousness, just back the hell out, OP.

[Notsure_9]

Get a new job unless you intend to ruin your marriage!

 

It will progress - and that will ruin the R with your H.

 

 

And stop putting blame on your H - you are the one you are responsible for. Your poor choices to flirt with the co worker is terribly inappropriate = you're ready for a full affair but just not stating it up front.

 

I'm not blaming my h. Things happen that pull you apart as a couple I take responsibility for my actions.

[Notsure_9]

So there aren't any big problems in your marriage, he was there for you through your health issues, you became withdrawn and...

 

...you've decided that the next step is to go outside your marriage?

 

I'm always amazed when people acting in such obviously self-destructive ways ask for advice.

 

What do you think the answer is ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

There are issues that's just the main reason for them. I've been told by my h that's it's my fault we don't communicate because I became withdrawn back them but like I said I went and worked that out but he didn't want to go to counseling with me.

 

And I didn't wake up one day and say "hey I think I'll flirt with some guy at work and really screw some stuff up" I know that usually things just happen but nothing I've done has been intentional.

[beach]

There are issues that's just the main reason for them. I've been told by my h that's it's my fault we don't communicate because I became withdrawn back them but like I said I went and worked that out but he didn't want to go to counseling with me.

 

And I didn't wake up one day and say "hey I think I'll flirt with some guy at work and really screw some stuff up" I know that usually things just happen but nothing I've done has been intentional.

 

I can guarantee you - everything you do has it's purpose - and is intentional.

[AlwaysGrowing]

There are issues that's just the main reason for them. I've been told by my h that's it's my fault we don't communicate because I became withdrawn back them but like I said I went and worked that out but he didn't want to go to counseling with me.

 

And I didn't wake up one day and say "hey I think I'll flirt with some guy at work and really screw some stuff up" I know that usually things just happen but nothing I've done has been intentional.

 

 

And that is what happens when one lives their life unconsciously. They are unaware of the little choices they make...how they lead to other decisions, other boundary crossings...bit by bit...they nurture it..then to their shock they find themselves in foreign territory and almost each one of them says "I didn't plan it, it just happened". "its not like me".

 

Well, it you act that way, then it most certainly is you.

[Mr. Lucky]

I can guarantee you - everything you do has it's purpose - and is intentional.

Agree 110%. And that intent manifests itself in one of two ways:

 

1). You pursue it

2). You don't stop it from happening.

 

Neither course is accidental. Neither just happens. Both involve conscious action or inaction on your part, either of which is a choice.

 

Were you being honest with us and yourself, your thread would be titled:

 

"Actively pursuing affair with coworker...we are both married"

 

Mr. Lucky

[Notsure_9]

Ok I can see what your saying. But I'm not actively pursuing anything with my coworker and I know you all hear this and it sounds just like every other story you've heard. I do appreciate all the input on the situation I think I am going to talk with my coworker about everything and go from there because right now quitting my job is not an option

[CarrieT]

I am going to talk with my coworker about everything and go from there because right now quitting my job is not an option

 

Bad answer.

 

You are continuing to open up and confide in the Affair Partner. You need to do this with your husband and devise an action plan to end the Affair. This includes going No Contact and leaving your job ASAP.

 

I understand you can't quit, but you CAN minimize the damage by not engaging the person who is tempting you and by starting to look for another job immediately.

[Notsure_9]

Bad answer.

 

You are continuing to open up and confide in the Affair Partner. You need to do this with your husband and devise an action plan to end the Affair. This includes going No Contact and leaving your job ASAP.

 

I understand you can't quit, but you CAN minimize the damage by not engaging the person who is tempting you and by starting to look for another job immediately.

 

The only reason I'm saying I need to talk to the coworker is because we do have to interact for work a couple times a week at least so I can't go complete NC. Don't get me wrong I do understand what you mean but NC is not an option. I like my job and I'm good at what I do and I know I can't start over somewhere else and have the same things I have with my current job.

[beach]

Ok I can see what your saying. But I'm not actively pursuing anything with my coworker and I know you all hear this and it sounds just like every other story you've heard. I do appreciate all the input on the situation I think I am going to talk with my coworker about everything and go from there because right now quitting my job is not an option

 

Yes you are ACTIVELY participating - EVERY time you look his way or communicate with him!

 

You pursue him each and every time you interact...and you also betray your h and marriage too - because you know it's a secret you are keeping from your H!

 

So all your secrets drive a bigger wedge between you and your H.

 

And the fact that you won't tell your H shows your dishonesty.

 

And the fact that you won't quit the job shows you value the job more than your M.

 

You are participating in a manner that will ruin your M.

 

It's seems innocent ENOUGH to you now - but the fact that IT DOES MEAN SOMETHING to you - ENOUGH of a big deal to post here = means you are willing to consider doing this affair - thus allowing it to threaten the health of your M!

 

Consider it a cancer to your M - and you grow it BIGGER every time you interact with this OM.

 

You can choose the job...or you can quit the job and know that you're also capable of getting a new job - while growing the M healthier by cutting the OM out of your M.

 

But if you don't do work on yourself - you may just be tempted by another guy at a new job.

 

What's missing in the M that YOU can address - that YOU can change to make it better, stronger and healthier?

[beatcuff]

OP many of those posting believe you should not have opposite sex friendships. there is nothing wrong with that or what you are doing.

 

but while the comments are 'over the top' that does not mean in your case they are wrong. it COULD lead to something and you are flashing some signs: you are 'texting' after work (you already spend more time with him than H and now you are invading that space) and then you causally mention of 'issues' with H (maybe you are looking for something).

 

advice --- i would not say anything to either. stop the texting. and spend more time figuring out what is going on with your M.

[pink_sugar]

I had a similar situation at my previous workplace. Although the guy had moved on to other employment shortly after I got hired there, we kept in touch over messenger. He now has two kids with his girlfriend whom he lives with. I got caught up in a fantasy, because I was unhappy with things in my marriage. We both ultimately decided it was best not to go any further. That aside, it was the best decision, because even if we were both single...I'm not ready for kids yet, especially very young ones. (he has a baby and a toddler) It wouldn't have been a realistic situation.

[browneyedgirl2013]

The best thing you can do for your marriage is to be honest with your husband. tell him that you've developed a crush on your coworker, or that you've been having some feelings for someone else and they're making you uncomfortable. Tell him that you wanted to get it out in the open because you value your marriage, and you want and need him. This will serve two purposes: (a) first and foremost this will take the kindlings of the emotional affair out of the shadows and into reality. One of the "highs" people get out of affairs is partially the secrecy. When it's not a secret anymore, it usually isn't as enticing; (b) it will also give your husband a chance to step up, to give you the things that you want and need that you're getting from this other person. You really need to think long and hard about what you are not getting from your marriage that this other person is giving you. Then ask your husband for it. We are often too quick to say that our partners are not giving us something without ever asking for it or giving them a chance to be what we need.

 

I understand that telling your husband will likely mean an end to the flirtatious relationship. I understand that it is hard to let go of, especially because it is "harmless" now. But it won't stay harmless forever. Picture yourself months down the road, looking at your broken husband's eyes after he finds out of your affair (because this will lead to an affair, and you will be found out). There are many roads to affairs but they all lead to the same place.

 

And, for background, I am on the other side of an office affair. My marriage has survived, and I am hopeful that we can make it stronger than before. But all this heartache could have been saved months ago if I would have just told my husband that I was attracted to a man at work, that I found myself flirting with him, that he made me feel good, but that I didn't want to throw my marriage away.

[Notsure_9]

Thank you so much for your advice. I really wish you the very best working things out with your marriage. It's nice to get input for someone who has been there and gone through similar situations. I am really going to try and figure out whats missing that I'm getting from the other person. The last thing I want to do is hurt my husband and I know in a way I already am. Thank you again for the input

[Speakingofwhich]

Don't get me wrong I do understand what you mean but NC is not an option. I like my job and I'm good at what I do and I know I can't start over somewhere else and have the same things I have with my current job.

 

Notsure, sounds as if your job is very important to you.

 

I took the last sentence from the above paragraph, and paraphrased it, following the same sentence structure you used. What if it read like this (original wording in parentheses):

 

I love (like) my husband (job) and we're (I'm) good together(at what I do) and I know I don't want to (can't) start over with someone (somewhere) else and hurt (have) the husband (same things) I have in (with) my current marriage (current job).

 

Just a thought!

[Notsure_9]

That is definitely something to think about. Thank you I really don't want to hurt my h. But I do want to figure out whats missing or what I need from my marriage