Don't what to do

[somap]

Hi,

I read few threads and thought of sharing mine. I spent 10+ years in my marriage getting criticized over my weight again and again, criticized publicly, in intimate and private moments, kept on listening what would have been our sex life if I was thin (when I got married I was thin, put on weight after pregnancy and delivery).

 

My husband's contribution for taking care of children or even me during pregnancies (2 kids and even their needs) has been negligible, rather negative. I was completely into taking care of family (supported his family members to get hold of their lives), taking care of him, even smallest need of him and earning for family. He was busy with his job, his own perfect world and criticizing me and if I would say, I dont like when u say like this, his reply would be r u getting annoyed? I love if someone gets annoyed

 

Later his involvement in social activities (to be a social activist) increased and so his weekend movies with buddies (my own cousins), every time since our marriage wherever we went, be it family trip or movie or dinner someone or other would accompany us as he liked being with others...(it felt he never counted me for company). Than I started asking him if he is not available to me financially, physically, mentally, emotionally....what shall I do? than his replies were do whatever u want find a guy for yourself. and it was many a times like challenge.....as if I am worthless

 

This happened repeatedly. On the advice of my sister-in-law (now she repents on that advice) I started paying attention to myself. Started working on my weight, my appearance, my presentation, instead of taking freelances and home based job (in order to take care of kids and family I avoided office job) and took office job, and did really well with complete hard work. I started meeting new people making friends calling old friends, having my own hangouts with my kids on vacations and weekends, my own Sundays planned. Things did work out, I was happy, my self confidence, my self respect came back.

 

Now this was the good part of mine. My ugly part was, I started having lots of chats on dating sites, started meeting people (however I avoided more than coffee/lunch-as kids are young and have to be home by 7-8 pm, and my office used to get over by 6pm). I met some good people, with similar situation to mine, rest are not worth talking. Chatting was with many people at a time and on any topic from religion to sex. I just had a need a quench to talk to someone.....to say any damn thing, kill your time....... there I played all the role from a good advisory online to a real flirtatious person (I always had a reputation of being very disciplined, organised and focused on family reputation and my own image, have been gold medalist at college and university levels).

 

Even if I think about the way I flirted online, I dont believe that I could do something like that. I did not have much charm for sex left as our sexual life was like if he wants he should get no matter in what state I am and if I want, he would always be tired or you want you do you efforts, I m like this only. This gradually put me off and the physical relationship between us limited to once in 2-3 months, that too like ritual. Now one day, my husband happens to find my laptop unlocked. He checked all my mails, forwarded all chats to his accounts and when I came back home (was in park with kids). It was unexpected. He asked me if I feel bad about that and I said no, I dont feel wrong as you yourself told me many a times to find someone and where would I find someone, I can do flirting with my colleagues and friends, online no one knows who actually I am. He was furious.

 

I ended the conversation there fed kids normally as if nothing happened and wen to bed with kids (from last 3 years, I m not sharing bed with him unless he wanted sex, that too stopped from last 1.5 years). Than in period of more than a year, many things happened. He started blackmailing me for sending my mails etc to my brother, he took my personal diaries (where nothing for chat or anything was written, it was all about me, my life, how I felt bad, wht I wanted him to change-if he was smart enf, probably my diaries would have been good source for him to understand me that making it a tool for blackmailing me. He used to say, i will get this analyzed from psychiatrist to prove u mentally unstable......you are not allowed to write diaries in this house...... stole my mobile to get all numbers and msgs, sent msgs to many of my friends to not to keep in touch with me).

 

He asked me not to talk to my parents, family, friends and at one point of time I was doing all these, I stopped keeping phone with me. The reason was I was more concerned about my kids and I just wanted to keep them comfortable irrespective of what happened. There were many arguments, many times he lost his temper and I lost mine. In short if I say, we did not leave any stone unturn in hurting each other from calling cobs (both) to filing case (it was me). I filed a case against him when he became very violent one night and literally forced himself on me sexually(this is the most painful thing which haunts me).He used to threaten me that i would prove u an immoral person, characterless and take children away, post ur images and messages on your FB (my FB was hacked by him, I had no access at all) so that I get my lesson. But once he got legal notice, he came to beat me n children up and because of neighbors we did not get tht much hurt. My parents came to live with me after few days, he came and talked to my father (he was staying with his sister after receiving legal notice).

 

He told all **** with which he was threatening me to my father and my father told that relationship is responsibility for both of us and we have two kids with this wedlock who are priority now. If we keep on blaming each other, there wont be any solution. Than came his softer part. He told my father that he wants me to give other chance to him and this relation and he requested (cried) when he talked to me. I said I can give you one year, first prove me that you are a good friend and good father (my son was subject to similar criticism and scrutiny all the time by him as I was once, and he is just 6 years old) and not to expect wifely comfort from me in this period. He said he would do anything but make this period 6 month and requested me to withdraw cases.

 

I withdrew one case (had filed 2) . In last 3-4 months, he screwed up many a times, once he told kids that I took a child out of my womb and torn him to pieces with my mom (I had to undergo a medical abortion as the fetus development was not normal, and he was so insensitive that did not bothered to ask me about my health after abortion, I was with my parents who took care of me). My daughter (4.5 yrs) started crying badly hearing this and three of us were crying, he was yelling-shouting and so was I, shouting at him 'leave my room immediately'. Where his response was, its matrimonial house, I can sit wherever I want.. Later he apologised for that saying he lost his temper.

 

There are many small incidences, his sentences made me feel that wht he truly feels and wht he is doing is different. Every now and than he would say something and tell that he lost temper. Now I started getting back to my social life (limited to family and 2-3 of my female friends). No one was ever as important to me as it is my kids now. It is not that I do not regret on how low I went on this, if he was not doing his part, I should have had controlled myself. But I can not stop being human. I do deserve some care, affection, love, attention, respect...my husband went on saying everyone that I am drunkard and abusive and many a times drink so much that others have to support me and help me coming back home (its surprising..... because I always had the sword of clock on my head to reach home on time, relieve baby sitter and feed my kids, as I made it a part of our lives that we 3 eat together, we still do...initially I used to tell him tht its imp for family to have meals together as much as possible....but his timings have been odd and as per his own wishes... ).

 

Now I have made up my mind that I can not stay with him. The things he told and does and justifies with his 'loss of temper' do unrepairable damages to me and my children. My son does not feel comfortable with his presence and he avoids him. My daughter to an extent talks to him but if he asks her to live with him her reply would be 'i will live with mom only'. He accuses me that I poisoned their minds (I dont need to, he, his actions, words are sufficient to do that). Kids dont feel comfortable when he is around, neither do I. Now that I decided to shift to my parents place(other city), do my doctorate from there and file for separation, he went on saying everyone that I love her only, I dont want kids I just want her back in my life the way she was earlier, loving me, caring me, I want her back.

 

We have purchased 2 houses together, one on my name (which worth more today) and second one which is almost 1/4th price of the former is on his name. I told him that I will sell off the house on my name and we will share the amount in equal halves. We have some loans pending and that too I have told him to get settled before separating. than his replies are what wud I do with this money (in the past he accused me that I lived with him because of this house, now when I am ready to leave the house, he does not want me to do that.).

 

I do not want anything else, I will take care of my kids, dont want maintenance any other share in property. These two houses are purchased from our equal contributions (mine is more as I invested some of the share of my parental property). But no money can buy peace, I dont want to get into counting every single penny invested for fair division. I dont know how much I am hurt, I am tired of blame games. I just feel I need to focus my energy on my study, career and most importantly my children. My kids are very comfortable with their grand parents and I have all support system there.

 

I am sorry about this long post but my problems is other side of Aztragedy. He seems to be nice and understanding, whereas in my case my husband always had been very self centered selfish. Now I feel the fat person inside me was doing everything for him and was nothing for him, the thin me is worth him to chase, even when she does not love him???? or its just a male ego that how could she leave me and thats why this mood swings are coming. I know he would be going through pain as I am suffering, marriage makes you an organ where cut on any side hurts both. But it simply feels that dragging this relation would be self destructive for me and even his life would be no where. We dont have intimacy left, the innocence of relationship, trust, love, faith, mutual respect, everything is gone.However I feel that if our ways are parting, it should be with friendly gesture which will be good for all of us.

 

He said once that if he is out of our lives he would not turn back to see if we are dead or alive. It sounds extreme but even than I want to move out. I have been in so much uncertainties and complex mental situations, I was surfing to find some relief out here and came across this platform. I wish members out there can help me out. I tried providing facts as accurately as possible. Every person has ability to justify his/her stand better. I know what I did was also not right either. Even I am at mistake. But seeing him reminds me all the insults, abuses, forced sex, threats and blackmailing....I know if I stay in this relation, it will kill me slowly.

 

I already had lost myself once and now when I have stabilized myself mentally, I have my focus clear:-my kids and my education/career, I do not want to lose myself again. My family is supporting me in this decision as everyone had seen his behavior. Now when everyone knows my mistakes (he gave my parents and siblings copies of the chat I had with other men), they (including his own sister) told him that it was him who put me in that situation because he was never there whenever I needed. Now I need to move out of this house, every time I said, he did not listen to me , had his arguments ready, this time, I have applied for kids school transfer, my admission, checking house for rent, and all other arrangements for shifting, but have not told him yet as my father says that once they are here than only I should say anything as I have no one to support and seeing his abusive record, they dont want me to take any chances with him.

 

I can not explain what kind of situation I am in. I know what I am doing and I know I have taken my decision. Just help me out if I am right with it. The 6 months given to him is not yet completed and I dont think by Feb 2014 end, any miracle would happen.

 

I will appreciate inputs from people out there for my situation. Thanks for reading.

Edited November 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[dumped2013]

That was a book

[elbe]

TL;DR BUT I will say -- that is incredibly shallow and I am sorry for your situation. Let her miss you for a while. New things tend to fade. In the meanwhile try to do your own thing maybe hit the gym yourself