I am an addict, and this is my thread to get clean

[im_thedude]

I am four months removed from the longest, deepest loving relationship I had ever been in. We were together for three years - the whole story could be found at my original thread here.

 

I have tripped and stumbled over something behind me for four straight months. I broke every rule in the book a hundred times over despite getting the best advice I could. Namely, by looking at my ex's Tumblr and Instagram. Long story short, my ex left me and got with another man about a month later. This was somebody she met online while we were together. They are now a long distance couple. And she is posting nude photos of herself on her public blog as part of some sexual awakening she has experienced in the three trips up north she has spent with this new man. She left me - citing reasons of wanting to "be herself" - and proceeded to drastically change who she is. I thought worse things about myself and doing bad things to other people. In the blog post of hers where she posted a very risque photo of herself, she more or less bragged about finding confidence with this new man in his life, and explained how she sends sexy photos to this man (again, they've met in person three times) frequently.

 

I have looked, against all wisdom, time and time again at her social media. I am afraid to let go of this person in my life. Go read some of my other posts explaining how she was during the relationship, and what she's done after it. I have every god damn reason to hate this person.

 

I am sick and tired of being caught up in a woman caught up in another man. I have broken down and cried nearly every third day for two straight weeks. The end of the relationship, paired with my realization that I have very few friends, has brought about a crisis and utter loneliness in my life. There were moments in these past couple of weeks where I was in such a dark place, I never knew it was possible to stoop so low. I spent two straight hours obsessively refreshing her social media pages to see what she was up to. I masturbated to the nude photos she put up, intended for her new boyfriend (and the public) to see. There were times where I felt so utterly close to the brink that my eyes well up thinking back at them. My coworkers are worried. My parents are asking if I need therapy. I have true fear that I have plunged into severe clinical depression.

 

I need to step out of the fog and move forward, and it starts now, in this thread. No more Tumblr, no more Instagram, no more anything. I am going to post in this thread every day (and I am sorry for taking up real estate) I "stay clean." I recognize now more then ever how unhealthy and dangerous my thoughts and habits have become and I need to do this. Every attempt I've made to go full NC (the direct contact has been a breeze) has lasted at most a week. I'm sick and tired or relapsing. I need the kick in the ass, and I feel being held accountable on this public forum will help.

Edited November 30, 2013 by im_thedude

[JoelBarish]

I think holding yourself accountable will help. Be sure to post here every day and stick to it. Your snooping has kept your wounds fresh. Avoid all second hand knowledge of her. I for one take the long way around instead of driving by places where I risk seeing my ex's car parked.

 

Also don't even think of your ex when masturbating. That just keeps the fantasy alive.

 

Anyway congrats on being proactive about stopping this negative behavior.

[AnyaNova]

I am four months removed from the longest, deepest loving relationship I had ever been in. We were together for three years - the whole story could be found at my original thread here.

 

I have tripped and stumbled over something behind me for four straight months. I broke every rule in the book a hundred times over despite getting the best advice I could. Namely, by looking at my ex's Tumblr and Instagram. Long story short, my ex left me and got with another man about a month later. This was somebody she met online while we were together. They are now a long distance couple. And she is posting nude photos of herself on her public blog as part of some sexual awakening she has experienced in the three trips up north she has spent with this new man. She left me - citing reasons of wanting to "be herself" - and proceeded to drastically change who she is. I thought worse things about myself and doing bad things to other people. In the blog post of hers where she posted a very risque photo of herself, she more or less bragged about finding confidence with this new man in his life, and explained how she sends sexy photos to this man (again, they've met in person three times) frequently.

 

I have looked, against all wisdom, time and time again at her social media. I am afraid to let go of this person in my life. Go read some of my other posts explaining how she was during the relationship, and what she's done after it. I have every god damn reason to hate this person.

 

I am sick and tired of being caught up in a woman caught up in another man. I have broken down and cried nearly every third day for two straight weeks. The end of the relationship, paired with my realization that I have very few friends, has brought about a crisis and utter loneliness in my life. There were moments in these past couple of weeks where I was in such a dark place, I never knew it was possible to stoop so low. I spent two straight hours obsessively refreshing her social media pages to see what she was up to. I masturbated to the nude photos she put up, intended for her new boyfriend (and the public) to see. There were times where I felt so utterly close to the brink that my eyes well up thinking back at them. My coworkers are worried. My parents are asking if I need therapy. I have true fear that I have plunged into severe clinical depression.

 

I need to step out of the fog and move forward, and it starts now, in this thread. No more Tumblr, no more Instagram, no more anything. I am going to post in this thread every day (and I am sorry for taking up real estate) I "stay clean." I recognize now more then ever how unhealthy and dangerous my thoughts and habits have become and I need to do this. Every attempt I've made to go full NC (the direct contact has been a breeze) has lasted at most a week. I'm sick and tired or relapsing. I need the kick in the ass, and I feel being held accountable on this public forum will help.

 

Congratulations! I know it is hard, and this hurts the most because you have to give up the fantasy that she might come back (and dammit, you should! She was really an evil #)#*#&Y^ to you! but I know it is hard to hold onto that right now) and that is the most painful time, I think. When you know for a fact that it is dead.

 

I have to second that about never, ever thinking of her at all or using images of her or memories of her or anything at all related to her while "taking matters into your own hands,"

 

Your brain doesn't really know or care whether your previous mate is still there. If you are thinking of her or looking at pictures of her, it will happily release the vasopressin when you orgasm, because of the many times you were together, and it will cause a continuation of the vasopressin affect. They used to think that women were the only ones who had brain chemicals released during orgasm/sex affect their feelings for their partners. That is not true. Men experience the vasopressin effect which causes them to bond to their partners like home, like territory, so that when they separate with their partners, the men are left, in a manner of speaking, "emotionally homeless."

 

Do not allow yourself to have that effect continue. It will take long enough to die out on its own.

 

I know it is dark right now. The moment I gave up all hope of anything, ever, including friendship even years down the road with ex brought me to some deeply dark places. And sadly, it wasn't that long ago (about the time he ignored my last email when I really felt like I needed him), though my healing took off exponentially when I did.

 

Edit: Apologies, didn't mean to get uber-explicit there, just trying to explain the science behind why it is so important...

Edited November 30, 2013 by AnyaNova

[im_thedude]

Thanks guys. The last two months or so have been so weird, looking back at them - basically once I found out she was already in another relationship. The dumb thing is, I remember getting better with each passing day on every previous attempt to stay in total NC. Then I would just hit this point a week out where I wasn't able to resist... even though I knew how bad it would hurt.

 

It's just weird of how completely aware of how crazy I was acting, and how rapidly I was losing it, and at the same time I knew I didn't have the will power to help myself. I've felt so weak and fragile.

 

Day one of NC isn't over yet, but I am confident it's in the books.

[im_thedude]

I looked today

 

She had posted one of those lists of questions people can choose to ask her, and one of them was why her last relationship ended. She said I was "not a very nice person," made her feel bad, blah blah blah.

 

This is all irrelevant to the fact that I failed two days in. I seem to have wrangled it in, let's hope it sticks

[JoelBarish]

I looked today

 

She had posted one of those lists of questions people can choose to ask her, and one of them was why her last relationship ended. She said I was "not a very nice person," made her feel bad, blah blah blah.

 

This is all irrelevant to the fact that I failed two days in. I seem to have wrangled it in, let's hope it sticks

 

Try, try again.

 

Since you know that you are hopelessly addicted, is there anything you can do to ensure it will be impossible for you to check her social media?

[im_thedude]

Try, try again.

 

Since you know that you are hopelessly addicted, is there anything you can do to ensure it will be impossible for you to check her social media?

 

Well, I downloaded apps on my laptop that blocks all the social media web pages. That's been a good deterrent. My phone, on the other hand...

[Never Again]

Try, try again.

 

Since you know that you are hopelessly addicted, is there anything you can do to ensure it will be impossible for you to check her social media?

 

Do absolutely anything you can.

 

I actually really empathize with you on this, im_thedude, for reasons I won't get in to, let's just say that escaping my ex was a MISERABLE process. Even when I wanted to avoid her, something was there - in my home, at my job, etc.

 

It helps to have a "sponsor". Get someone who'll be willing to check in on you every day. Nothing big, just a quick "how're you holding up?" every day to help keep you strong against the temptations.

[JoelBarish]

Well, I downloaded apps on my laptop that blocks all the social media web pages. That's been a good deterrent. My phone, on the other hand...

 

Destroy your phone....or something

[im_thedude]

I have the next two days off, the bulk of which I'll be spending alone.

 

It doesn't help that the loneliness stemming from the loss of a relationship is compounded by the fact that I have very few friends and have struggled to be strong through independence lately.

 

I fell further down the rabbit hole over the course of the night (the details of which I am too embarrassed to reveal). I'm just so mad at myself. Last night I went for a nice drive listening to music, and ended up reading a book in some cafe for two hours. I remember feeling excited and confident going forward. Then I got home and just fell apart. The urge just gets incredible

 

Going to eat a healthy breakfast and go for a jog (haven't done that in awhile) this morning. One step in front of the other, trying again...

[Mario79]

Too bad we cant hang out though, I am going through the same issues. I sometimes feel it gets better, I used to be addicted to checking her whatsapp status over and over again.

 

I am getting eye rolls from everyone around me now cause I just keep bringing her back.

 

I was told, to deal with it like an alcoholic. They first try to at least go an hour without thinking about drinking, having made the decision that is what you want. And this takes patience, the real kind where you feel frustration and overcome it by keeping at it. I come to terms everyday where I know how I feel and don't like it, but realize I haven't let her go.

 

When I arrived at this point I realized how many things were lacking in my life, and what little understanding I had of some concepts. I have not developed humility and am being selfish.

 

Now I say this as a person reading your problem, because I sure as hell have problems seeing it myself. We were meant to hit this wall and crash and burn gloriously, to really know the depths of hell and also realize that it could be much worse.

 

I am pulling for you.

[JoelBarish]

I fell further down the rabbit hole over the course of the night (the details of which I am too embarrassed to reveal)[\QUOTE]

 

That's cool. There are plenty of times I did things regarding my ex that I was too ashamed to post about.

 

I think Mario is right in that you have to take it one step at a time. Try making a goal of getting through ONE day without snooping. Start with that.

[Sadguy33]

i am on your boat dude... its the worst thing i feel like a psycho, i have access to her social networks and that is a crazy problem. it requires too much self control. i feel you man

[im_thedude]

I am a miserable, ****ed up human being. Long story short, my ex had posted this really risque photo of herself, preaching how she is finally comfortable with who she is because of her new boyfriend. I shouldn't even know about all this crap but since I did, it just rubbed me as if this guy was taking advantage of her. So I anonymously sent her something online about how she has become such a slut for attention.

 

A few hours later I sent her a text (first time in like two months) explaining to her how I was worried this dude was taking advantage of her and cautioned her not to let her romantic, naive side cloud her judgment. I then admitted it was me who sent the anonymous note. I genuinely meant well by the text.

 

She published the anonymous note, saying "meet my ex boyfriend everyone" and likely ignored my text. If she didn't hate me before this, she definitely does now. Not that it matters much to me, but all her stupid internet followers are having a field day talking crap about me and I totally deserve it.

 

All of this prompted a direct call to my doctor's office. I am starting therapy tomorrow morning. I am a complete monster and psychopath

[JoelBarish]

You are not a monster. We all do stupid stuff once in awhile. And a lot of us engage in questionable behavior when we get stuck on someone.

 

However, you have a problem with compulsively checking on her and you know this. You've done the right thing and are seeking help in the matter. I hope that the way she humiliated you online will give you further strength in letting go. Good luck to you.

[Mario79]

I am a miserable, ****ed up human being. Long story short, my ex had posted this really risque photo of herself, preaching how she is finally comfortable with who she is because of her new boyfriend. I shouldn't even know about all this crap but since I did, it just rubbed me as if this guy was taking advantage of her. So I anonymously sent her something online about how she has become such a slut for attention.

 

A few hours later I sent her a text (first time in like two months) explaining to her how I was worried this dude was taking advantage of her and cautioned her not to let her romantic, naive side cloud her judgment. I then admitted it was me who sent the anonymous note. I genuinely meant well by the text.

 

She published the anonymous note, saying "meet my ex boyfriend everyone" and likely ignored my text. If she didn't hate me before this, she definitely does now. Not that it matters much to me, but all her stupid internet followers are having a field day talking crap about me and I totally deserve it.

 

All of this prompted a direct call to my doctor's office. I am starting therapy tomorrow morning. I am a complete monster and psychopath

 

sounds more like you have low self esteem, and she is living in your head. Just like it happens a lot of us. I am also seeing a therapist, please have some compassion with yourself, and I say compassion, not pity, treat yourself like if you were talking to a brother or best friend, who more than likely you might say: forget her, she was no good for you, and you are better than this.

 

I would recommend to start looking for inspiration, maybe movies or books. Something to look up for. The coming weeks will be tough. We are here for you.

 

PS. Also look for a support system, family, friends, people who will be there through the thick and thin.

Edited December 3, 2013 by Mario79

[letsplaygofish2]

You're not a monster. You were genuinely concerned about her wellbeing. I would have done the same... infact, I was so worried about my ex that I thought about contacting his mother. But he's so deep in denial that he would have blamed me for being crazy instead.

 

It's a natural reflex to help people you care about. Don't put that down!

[im_thedude]

I went to see a therapist this morning, who proceeded to tell me everything LoveShack and my friends and family have already told me.

 

I get the concept of how no contact at all -completely pushing and keeping a person and anything that may remind you of them out of your life - will help heal. I completely understand that by repeatedly looking at her social media, it's resetting a clock and making it seem like the break up is happening each day.

 

I think only those on this forum can truly understand the sheer feeling of weakness and helplessness that comes when you get these urges to take a look.

 

It's not longer feeling like taking it a day at a time. Now it's an hour at a time. I wish I had a button I could press whenever I get some urge, and the moment I press it my best friends come with cheap beer in hand and take me away from it all.

 

Last night I actually went to a group meetup from the website Meetup.com. It was a fun night in it's own right, but I have to say as a 22 year old male living in a big city it just felt so forced and bizarre. The night comes up in my memory now as some strange blur. I knew from the beginning how my desperation to surround myself with my existing friends and to try and make new friends was some attempt to move forward and take my mind off the whole situation with my ex. I went through my entire college career being in this past relationship - not saying it is to blame for it, but I realize I made zero friends in college. I keep in contact with nobody I met during those four years.

 

I feel alright currently. It's back to square one, yet again, for the fiftieth time. The humiliation received from my ex doesn't give me strength to move on, nor does what the therapist had to say. It's all will power and mental toughness, both of which I feel like I severely lack.

[im_thedude]

double post

[im_thedude]

Didn't post yesterday but here today that I'm about to hit my second day of NC. It feels like an accomplishment - and that feels so weird considering how a couple months ago I remember regularly going days with full NC. I guess you really do get worse before you get better

[im_thedude]

Two and a half days "clean" and feeling good tonight

[AnyaNova]

Didn't post yesterday but here today that I'm about to hit my second day of NC. It feels like an accomplishment - and that feels so weird considering how a couple months ago I remember regularly going days with full NC. I guess you really do get worse before you get better

 

There will even come a point when you stop counting, because it doesn't matter anymore.

 

Because the counting, in and of itself, become one more link back to the ex which just needs to be severed for your healing. :-)

 

Keep going with the NC. You will get there eventually.

 

Hey. but if you have been hurting and struggling with NC again, than making it two days, IS an accomplishment (but one you need to improve on, obviously!). :-)

[im_thedude]

Four days

[AnyaNova]

Four days

 

Keep up the good work!

[im_thedude]

I'm cruising through my fifth day.

 

I feel good. I have support here (thanks again guys! ) as well as from my family, and I seem to be having an easier time resisting any urges lately.