Sister is OW and getting into a huge mess. What can I do?

[concernedsis]

My sister began dating a married man about 3 months ago, an I am concerned she is getting into, and creating, a huge mess.

 

The man is almost 50, and has 4 kids (two of them less than 12 yr old). He claims he has been separated, but living in the same house as his wife, for at least 2 years, and has long been planning to divorce next year, they were already working on the logistics of the divorce. Apparently, he hasn't told the younger kids that dad and mom are going to divorce. My sister is a rather naive mid-30s yr old, with little experience with guys (and perhaps getting desperate about finding a man) He express his attraction for her about 3 months ago, and she fell for him. When she told me, I was really apprehensive and expressed my concerned, but she told me that everything was under control: they really liked each other, but were going to wait until his divorce was official to start a relationship.

 

It looks like she was either misleading herself or misleading me, or both. It looks like, after only a couple of months of dating, he is telling her that he wants to marry her and have a new family with her. They are seeing each other almost every night, and spending many nights together -- which means, besides other things, that he is being completely uninvolved with his own kids (I don't know if wife knows of his new relationship). And last week, my sister told me that she is pregnant (!!!)

 

She is now telling me that she realizes they should have taken greater precautions, but that she loves him (and he loves her), that he is the man of her life, that they both want to have the baby, that he is trying to expedite the divorce, and that they are going to be together forever after. The baby is due in July, around the time his divorce should be finalized. He also told my sister that she should not be concerned about his kids' reaction to the new baby -- that his kids are going to love their new half sibling.

 

I am extremely concerned about the whole situation: what kind of man tells his new girlfriend, after only a couple of months of dating, that he wants to marry her of and have kids? What kind of father pretty much abandons his kids by spending half the week outside the family home with the new girlfriend? What kind of man thinks that his kids are going to react happily to "ok kids, I am divorcing your mother and leaving by the end of the summer, when, by the way, you are going to have a baby half sibling." And what the hell is she thinking about having unprotected sex and getting pregnant by a married man with kids she has only been dating for two months?!? And by the way, she is telling me that she doesn't really want to be, and doesn't feel prepared to be, a step mom.

 

I have told her that they are both being extremely selfish and incredibly stupid, living in la la land and about to create a big mess. She hanged up the phone on me. I don't know what, if anything, I can do. Any words of wisdom out there?

[elbe]

It's really not your place. As adults, they are entitled to make choices even if they seem stupid and illogical to you. You should be supportive of your sister and be there to catch her if she falls. In between those choices are hers and hers alone to make.

[whichwayisup]

What you told her is true, but maybe shouldn't have been said to that extreme.

 

Call her back and tell her you're just very concerned that things are not going to happen as she thinks it will be and you're worried that she's gonna be hurt. Let her know that you love her and will be there for her if things dont' turn out as she is expecting.

 

Then, take a step back and let her make this big mistake. Not the baby, that could be a blessing for her, but the choices she's made along the way that got her to this situation to begin with.

 

That MM is full of shi.t and is fooling himself and her (or he's lying to her completely) if he thinks that his kids will have no problem accepting a half sibling, let alone a new step mommy.

 

I feel for this guys wife.

[concernedsis]

It's really not your place. As adults, they are entitled to make choices even if they seem stupid and illogical to you. You should be supportive of your sister and be there to catch her if she falls. In between those choices are hers and hers alone to make.

 

Thanks for your reply. I know they are adults and entitled to make their own decisions, and I have told her that I will always be there for her regardless of the outcome, and she knows that. However, it is hard for me not to conclude that her behavior is likely to create lots of pain and suffering for her and others. I am sure she and I will have other conversations soon, and that she will seek my views. I think that simply saying "do what you think is best and good luck" will be unhelpful.

[concernedsis]

What you told her is true, but maybe shouldn't have been said to that extreme.

 

Call her back and tell her you're just very concerned that things are not going to happen as she thinks it will be and you're worried that she's gonna be hurt. Let her know that you love her and will be there for her if things dont' turn out as she is expecting.

 

Then, take a step back and let her make this big mistake. Not the baby, that could be a blessing for her, but the choices she's made along the way that got her to this situation to begin with.

 

That MM is full of shi.t and is fooling himself and her (or he's lying to her completely) if he thinks that his kids will have no problem accepting a half sibling, let alone a new step mommy.

 

I feel for this guys wife.

 

Thanks. I didn't use the exact words I posted, but that was the message I tried to convey. I also told her that, if she wants to have the baby, I will of course love my nephew / niece.

 

I don't think the guy is lying to her. I think the guy is just emotionally damaged for years of unhappiness and saw in my sister an emotional escape to his miseries. I think that his telling her, after just a few weeks of dating, that he wants to marry her and create a new family can't be anything other than an escapist fantasy, but one that she fully believes. And of course I can't believe they were just having unprotected sex -- I think they were actually trying, or planning, to conceive a baby at such an early stage of their relationship (and divorce process), which I think was very irresponsible.

[Popsicle]

Let me guess, your sister has no kids? How old is she?

[LilGirlandOW]

 

(A) what kind of man tells his new girlfriend, after only a couple of months of dating, that he wants to marry her of and have kids?

 

(B) What kind of father pretty much abandons his kids by spending half the week outside the family home with the new girlfriend?

 

© What kind of man thinks that his kids are going to react happily to "ok kids, I am divorcing your mother and leaving by the end of the summer, when, by the way, you are going to have a baby half sibling."

 

(D) I have told her that they are both being extremely selfish and incredibly stupid, living in la la land and about to create a big mess. She hanged up the phone on me. I don't know what, if anything, I can do. Any words of wisdom out there?

 

(A) My xH, told me in a very short time of dating (weeks) that he wanted all those things, we were married for over a decade, so it happens.

 

(B) Hey, if they really are seperated and D'ing soon, thats life, staying in the house 100% of the time could possibly give his kids a false hope of the parents getting back together, so him creating distance is good imo.

 

© It is what it is.

 

(D) Its really none of your business, you can offer her support as a sister should, what you're currently doing will just ruin your relationship with her and create a wedge between you and your coming niece/nephew.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

yeah, Ive been here.

 

My sister cheated on her husband with a married man. She was with her husband 10 years before htey married. She cheated their ENTIRE marriage (18 months) with her 'gay best friend'

 

Im disgusted and horrofied.. She knows it. She lied to everyone. She was using me as an excuse to meet with her MM. Told her husband she was staying at my house. Lied lied lied to everyone. And then when D-Day hit, guess who she called to come and rescue her...yep me. I was literally lost for words when her husband offered her R if she went NC, and my sister looked at me and said (in front of her husband!!!) "I want them both". Are. You. Freakin' Kidding. Me?????

 

So, whilst everyone here would like to tell you to butt out, its likely when the proverbial hits the fan, you'll be called in to assist because you are her sister.

 

I have found it especially hard to separate my feelings about her cheating from the feelings I have as a sister. One thing I am certain of: I have ZERO respect for her. She's serial. And her current partner (the OM) has NO IDEA of her cheating history. Whats more, they are now expecting their own baby... This has disaster written all over it.

 

But I have drawn the line in the sand with my sister. I WILL not be complicit in her lying or betrayal. And if I EVER catch her lying to or about me again, she's history. I dont care if she's blood. How stupid does she think I am if she thinks she can get away with that rubbish again? I am not her patsy or her alibi. She is never to involve me in her mess again. Being in the middle of her D Day was a disaster I NEVER want to relive. Her with her head firmly up her backside, with my BIL - a wonderful man - broken and sobbing on my shoulder. Never thought my own blood could be so revolting.

[concernedsis]

(A) My xH, told me in a very short time of dating (weeks) that he wanted all those things, we were married for over a decade, so it happens.

 

(B) Hey, if they really are seperated and D'ing soon, thats life, staying in the house 100% of the time could possibly give his kids a false hope of the parents getting back together, so him creating distance is good imo.

 

© It is what it is.

 

(D) Its really none of your business, you can offer her support as a sister should, what you're currently doing will just ruin your relationship with her and create a wedge between you and your coming niece/nephew.

 

Thanks. They were mostly rhetorical questions. But I see your very charitable answers with interest. Given the context, unfortunately I don't agree with you (and it would be nice to be able to agree with you)

A) did your xH, besides telling you those things, actually tried to inpregnate you weeks into dating you? Was your xH married when he was telling this? No matter what the context is, trying to inpregnate a weeks-old date is, to say the least, unwise. In this context, it is way less than unwise.

B) I don't think I fully conveyed the situation. It's not that he is trying to instill a new sense of "normal" to his kids. He is doing absolutely nothing for/with his kids. Every single free time he has he is spending it with my sister. He is basically leaving his wife (a woman who, according to him, is mentally ill) to raise the kids by herself, while he is off living his new romance. And he hasn't told the younger kids that he is bailing next summer or so.

C) sorry, any man with some sense of the situation would think that going thru divorce will be emotionally traumatizing for the kids. And he adds a new step mom and a half sibling, perhaps before moving out of the family home? By the way, the way this man reportedly is talking about his perhaps stbx is rather disrespectful and selfish (too much detail to include this here).

D) I grant that point. But the point is (and we can agree to disagree) what she is doing *is* selfish and stupid. Again, I used softer words. But your advice to "what can I do" is "butt off" as is nothing wrong is going on (nevermind willingly getting pregnant by a emotionally confused selfish married man with four kids after a few weeks of meeting him). I might actually follow that advice, but not because what she is doing is Ok, but because there may really be nothing I can do other than sit back and watch the train wreck.

[concernedsis]

Let me guess, your sister has no kids? How old is she?

 

 

She is single without kids in her mid to late 30s, who hadn't had a serious relationship before.

[ComingInHot]

Tell your sister about L'S (love shack). Let her know to just come here but You will be here for her as a sister and love Her (not her actions or behavior) because You are and you do *

 

CIH*

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Generally what I find, when people are in situations like this, if they come to you for advice and you give them advice they do not want to here, they usually will not ask you again.

 

I had this situation with a friend of mine. She called me and we met for dinner about 8 months ago. I knew she was having at least am EA with her boss - the more they talked I realized it was most likely a PA because it had been going on for 2 1/2 years and this guy was buying her expensive things (he is married too). She said his BS knew everything because she had pulled phone records, etc. It was (and still is) a messed up situation. She wanted my advice on what to do - stay with her husband or leave for this guy (because apparently he told her he would leave his wife). I really think she thought I was going to tell her to follow her heart and instead I told her (gently) she probably needed to leave her job and focus on her marriage and family to see if they could salvage this. There was more but it's too much to go into in one post. Long story short, she has never contacted me for advice again. I see her off and on at different events around town and such - so far she is still at the same job and she is still with her husband but she has never again asked for my opinion on the matter.

 

Now as far as my sister, she went through a similar thing 7 years before I did and her marriage did end up in divorce and when she was free to be with the guy she was having the affair with, she started to see the influence this dude was having on her children and she knew (even though she loved him) he was not what she wanted in her life - so it did not work out. She was my rock during the time right at the end of my affair and during the dday catastrophe. She obviously has been where I was and was able to offer me some great advice and even my husband who was in so much pain - giving him some advice as to how to handle things with me. She would have stood beside me no matter what I chose, but she gently guided me through no contact, understanding my feelings of xmom but convincing me it was the best thing for the time being to sort through all of the emotions and see things more clearly. I don't know what I would have done if it wasn't for her.

 

My advice is to love her through all of this. She is making some huge mistakes and she is going to fall very, very hard. My experience is you need people in your life that can gently but firmly tell you the truth, but love you through it - do not vary from your stance. It might not turn out the way YOU want it to, but she is your sister. Family is so important.

[Realist3]

Tell your sister about L'S (love shack). Let her know to just come here but You will be here for her as a sister and love Her (not her actions or behavior) because You are and you do *

 

CIH*

 

Beat me to it. Tell her to come read this forum and I bet she will have a huge wakeup call.

[will-ow]

My sister began dating a married man about 3 months ago, an I am concerned she is getting into, and creating, a huge mess.

 

My sister is a rather naive mid-30s yr old, with little experience with guys (and perhaps getting desperate about finding a man)

 

I have told her that they are both being extremely selfish and incredibly stupid, living in la la land and about to create a big mess. She hanged up the phone on me. I don't know what, if anything, I can do. Any words of wisdom out there?

Honestly? I *think* that you have leaped to a number of conclusions and judgements based on a lot of *think*, *perhaps* and other conjecture, and telling your sister she's stupid and selfish was a very quick route to making sure she doesn't trust you or look to you for support in the future. Maybe you are right to think that, but to say it to her when she was reaching out to you was also selfish, not to mention mean and judgemental. Maybe you are right to be concerned, but there are ways to communicate concern without being so damning and judgemental in the process.

I know they are adults and entitled to make their own decisions, and I have told her that I will always be there for her regardless of the outcome

That's great, but from your posts, it *seems* that you will always be there to judge, criticise and preach to her.... not exactly the unconditional support most of us hope to get from those who love us, and probably not what she wants or needs from you right now (imho)

I think they were actually trying, or planning, to conceive a baby at such an early stage of their relationship, which I think was very irresponsible.

Again with the think, perhaps, maybe.... what a shame you didn't take time to be sure of your FACTS before getting so judgemental

[concernedsis]

Honestly? I *think* that you have leaped to a number of conclusions and judgements based on a lot of *think*, *perhaps* and other conjecture, and telling your sister she's stupid and selfish was a very quick route to making sure she doesn't trust you or look to you for support in the future. Maybe you are right to think that, but to say it to her when she was reaching out to you was also selfish, not to mention mean and judgemental. Maybe you are right to be concerned, but there are ways to communicate concern without being so damning and judgemental in the process.

 

That's great, but from your posts, it *seems* that you will always be there to judge, criticise and preach to her.... not exactly the unconditional support most of us hope to get from those who love us, and probably not what she wants or needs from you right now (imho)

Again with the think, perhaps, maybe.... what a shame you didn't take time to be sure of your FACTS before getting so judgemental

 

Thanks for taking the time to express your opinions.

 

As I mentioned earlier, I did not say "extremely selfish and stupid" or the like when I talked to my sister. As I clarified before, I used softer words when I talked to her. I used something along the lines of "I think you are not considering the impact of your actions on others, particularly his kids" and "I don't think it's intelligent to rush to conceive a baby with a man you hardly know and who is married and might or might not get divorced" or something like that. In our conversation, my sister basically was asking me to approve (or not approve) what she was doing. I chose to not approve -- the first time in many conversations when I actually chose to clearly express an opinion, despite what you are assuming. It wasn't like she was just telling me stuff and I interrupted her out of the blue to call her selfish and stupid -- which you seem to assume. If you think that the only answer that was appropriate under the circumstances was "well, that's interesting, I approve, good luck to you", and that having actually expressed an opinion, and one of not approval, makes me a rude, selfish, judgmental, horrible, nasty person, then I respectfully disagree with you.

 

(By the way, she hanged up on me not mainly because of the way I expressed my disapproval, but because, in her words "I am calling you to tell you the wonderful news that I am pregnant and you are not delighted for me!")

 

You think it's a shame I don't have "facts" about their intention of conceiving a child. Indeed, my sister didn't provide me with a log of her sexual activities, or a notarized letter, or a sworn statement. She did, however, provide me with the following info, which I regard as facts given that she told them to me:

- they began having unprotected sex shortly after beginning to date

- he refused to use a condom because he "wanted to feel the real thing"

- she agreed not to use a condom because she "wanted to feel him coming inside her, naturally"

- from the beginning, they were planning to conceive in January or February (well before the supposed divorce process takes place)

- they were giddy about the fact that conception took place a couple of months earlier than planned.

If you think it's "shameful" to conclude that they were not avoiding getting pregnant when they began to have unprotected sex, then I respectfully disagree.

 

And one last thing. My sister has been either unwillingly misleading me or outright lying to me. How do I know? Well, three weeks ago she told me that this relationship was purely platonic, and that he was a religious, moral man who refuse to have sex with her until he fully completes his divorce. A couple of weeks later, she tells me she is pregnant. How would you react to that, I wonder? Regardless, I am not making a big deal out of that, or asking her for an explanation. I did not start this thread saying "my sister lied to me!" I started saying , "she is getting into a mess. what can I do?" Perhaps I can do nothing, and that's OK. But for you to become all judgmental about my being, in your opinion, "selfish, rude and judgmental" is not particularly useful. Thanks, anyway.

Edited December 1, 2013 by concernedsis

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

People who tell you it's not your business have no concept of the sister-sister relationship.

 

When it all goes arse up, who is expected to pick up the pieces? In my case, I had agreed that my sister could live with me prior to DDay so her and hubby couldn't things out. Post DDay I felt although I was being used. 2 months she lived with me and STILL lied to my face about everything.

 

You have every right to by a voice of reason to your sister. She has included you in her deception. It's ok to be honest about how you feel. I was honest with sister. She took her licks. She knows she was wrong. I refused to let her 're write her marriage history (and boy she tried) and I made her be accountable and truthful to the family about her actions. She's a compulsive liar, and if she wanted to play me off and use me, well, she best be prepared for consequences of that. I won't help her lie and cheat her way through her choices.

 

And when she spoke to others about how I treated her, her words were "brutally honest, but I deserve it"

[sweet_pea]

Why are people telling you it's none of your business? I mean your sister came to you and let you know of the situation, correct? She made it your business, is how I see it. I really don't think you've done anything wrong in this situation. You are a good sister to be concerned, you let her know of your concerns... what's so bad about that? Are posters taking issue because you didn't pat her on the back for having an affair/getting pregnant with MM's child?

Edited December 1, 2013 by sweet_pea

[Popsicle]

She is single without kids in her mid to late 30s, who hadn't had a serious relationship before.

 

I figured. She's acting desperate. She probably thinks she can't so better and he found a sitting duck.

[anna121]

I don't think you've done anything wrong here. You're not obligated to keep your opinions from her.

 

And while it's nice to offer support, it shouldn't be unconditional. No one has a right to unconditional support when they are engaging in foolish behaviour. Not even family.

[concernedsis]

Thanks for your replies. I disagree that this is none of my business. However, after further reflection, I now agree that there isn't really anything I can do other than offer love and support -- and that any further criticism will be hurtful and counterproductive.

 

That said, I now have a different question for you.

 

My sister thinks that everything is OK: he will get divorced in the timeframe he has mentioned, the divorce will be smooth and amicable, they will get married soon, his ex-wife and kids will immediately accept and love her and the baby. The fact that he is still married is just a technicality. The fact that there will be step kids, just an inconvenience.

 

Needless to say, I don't share the same optimism. But I have zero experience with these matters -- affairs, OW, MM, divorce, dating thru separation. My best guess is that he will eventually get divorced (but later than expected), they will have the baby and eventually get married (well after the baby is born), the reportedly mentally ill wife will be furious about him having a kid with my sister and the divorce will become much less amicable but eventually be completed, and that the kids will be upset but will eventually accept her and the baby. And that their relationship will survive all the upcoming complications -- and will survive the fact that she herself has admitted that she doesn't feel ready, and doesn't want to be, a step mother. This is the best scenario I can think of (and hope).

 

I am aware all situations are different, but, given your collective experience, how do you think this situation will evolve? I'd like to know what to expect.

 

For example, I read somewhere that only a small percentage of MM leave the wife for the OW. However, given that he says the marriage is over and the divorce is just a process to go thru, I am assuming he is serious about marrying my sister, and that indeed he loves her (despite the fact that they hardly know each other). Also, I want to think that the fact that he seems happy to have impregnated my sister means that his intentions are noble and pure. Am I being realistic?

 

And one last thing: my sister works in the same company (but not in the same unit) as this man. A co-worker of hers took her out for lunch and told her that everyone knows about the affair, recommended her to talk to her boss (which my sister did), and told her to be careful because everyone knows that "this man's family situation is very complicated". How do these matters affect the work life of the OW when work colleagues know?

 

Thanks.

Edited December 2, 2013 by concernedsis

[threelaurels]

Thanks for your replies. I disagree that this is none of my business. However, after further reflection, I now agree that there isn't really anything I can do other than offer love and support -- and that any further criticism will be hurtful and counterproductive.

 

That said, I now have a different question for you.

 

My sister thinks that everything is OK: he will get divorced in the timeframe he has mentioned, the divorce will be smooth and amicable, they will get married soon, his ex-wife and kids will immediately accept and love her and the baby. The fact that he is still married is just a technicality. The fact that there will be step kids, just an inconvenience.

 

Needless to say, I don't share the same optimism. But I have zero experience with these matters -- affairs, OW, MM, divorce, dating thru separation. My best guess is that he will eventually get divorced (but later than expected), they will have the baby and eventually get married (well after the baby is born), the reportedly mentally ill wife will be furious about him having a kid with my sister and the divorce will become much less amicable but eventually be completed, and that the kids will be upset but will eventually accept her and the baby. And that their relationship will survive all the upcoming complications -- and will survive the fact that she herself has admitted that she doesn't feel ready, and doesn't want to be, a step mother. This is the best scenario I can think of (and hope).

 

I am aware all situations are different, but, given your collective experience, how do you think this situation will evolve? I'd like to know what to expect.

 

For example, I read somewhere that only a small percentage of MM leave the wife for the OW. However, given that he says the marriage is over and the divorce is just a process to go thru, I am assuming he is serious about marrying my sister, and that indeed he loves her (despite the fact that they hardly know each other). Also, I want to think that the fact that he seems happy to have impregnated my sister means that his intentions are noble and pure. Am I being realistic?

 

And one last thing: my sister works in the same company (but not in the same unit) as this man. A co-worker of hers took her out for lunch and told her that everyone knows about the affair, recommended her to talk to her boss (which my sister did), and told her to be careful because everyone knows that "this man's family situation is very complicated". How do these matters affect the work life of the OW when work colleagues know?

 

Thanks.

 

The situation will most likely not end as well as you are hoping. I doubt this man actually has any intention of leaving his wife. If he does, he will probably balk at how much he will lose financially and how little time he will have with his kids by divorcing her and end up staying.

 

Has he provided any proof that he is filing for divorce other than his word alone? Divorce takes at least 6 months to process. Generally, when a marriage is 'over', people separate. They don't stay living in the home playing happy family with the kids. I wonder if his wife even knows they are divorcing.

 

I think this man chose your sister for a reason. She is naive, idealistic, and inexperienced with relationships. She is the perfect OW for a man who needs to tell lies to keep a relationship going. She will accept whatever he says without question and doesn't realize how little she is getting from him.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

My sister began dating a married man about 3 months ago, an I am concerned she is getting into, and creating, a huge mess.

 

The man is almost 50, and has 4 kids (two of them less than 12 yr old). He claims he has been separated, but living in the same house as his wife, for at least 2 years, and has long been planning to divorce next year, they were already working on the logistics of the divorce. Apparently, he hasn't told the younger kids that dad and mom are going to divorce. My sister is a rather naive mid-30s yr old, with little experience with guys (and perhaps getting desperate about finding a man) He express his attraction for her about 3 months ago, and she fell for him. When she told me, I was really apprehensive and expressed my concerned, but she told me that everything was under control: they really liked each other, but were going to wait until his divorce was official to start a relationship.

It looks like she was either misleading herself or misleading me, or both. It looks like, after only a couple of months of dating, he is telling her that he wants to marry her and have a new family with her. They are seeing each other almost every night, and spending many nights together -- which means, besides other things, that he is being completely uninvolved with his own kids (I don't know if wife knows of his new relationship). And last week, my sister told me that she is pregnant (!!!)

 

They both sound pretty messed up. Let's make a plan, and then not follow it. Everything is under control? Nothing is under control.

 

 

 

He has been living together, but separated, for MORE THAN TWO YEARS?

 

 

He has LONG BEEN PLANNING to divorce his wife NEXT YEAR? Why? Did a fortune teller tell him 2014 is a good year to divorce?

 

 

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you're always a day away.

 

 

When a story doesn't make any sense, usually it is a lie. Or the person telling you the story is nuts.

 

 

This story doesn't make any sense.

 

 

He could be lying. Or he could be nuts.

 

 

How is your sister as a judge of character?

 

 

My advice to you is to be there for her, don't be so in-your-face about your concerns. Be excited for her having the baby. The surest thing in this whole situation seems to be the baby. Try to focus on that when you talk with your sister.

 

 

When it comes to the other man, try to guide your sister into seeing any "blind spots" she has on her own. Raise open-ended questions and see if she can come up with the answers on her own. Don't try to answer them for her, she will just push back against you and want to prove you wrong. Help her to see her situation for whatever it is, which I don't think anyone just reading this thread, with the little info we have on the other man, can tell. As the next several weeks and months pass, the real situation should become clearer.

[concernedsis]

The situation will most likely not end as well as you are hoping. I doubt this man actually has any intention of leaving his wife. If he does, he will probably balk at how much he will lose financially and how little time he will have with his kids by divorcing her and end up staying.

 

Has he provided any proof that he is filing for divorce other than his word alone? Divorce takes at least 6 months to process. Generally, when a marriage is 'over', people separate. They don't stay living in the home playing happy family with the kids. I wonder if his wife even knows they are divorcing.

 

I think this man chose your sister for a reason. She is naive, idealistic, and inexperienced with relationships. She is the perfect OW for a man who needs to tell lies to keep a relationship going. She will accept whatever he says without question and doesn't realize how little she is getting from him.

 

If the guy is to be believed, he does appear to be heading for divorce. According to the guy, they have been separated but living under the same roof for at least 2 years. He has been talking about details of the divorce process. For example, he was shocked that his wife -- a stay at home mom for the past 20 years -- was planning to ask for a financial contribution for her retirement as part of the divorce agreement. He told my sister "how can she dare to ask for it! It was her who decided to stay at home! Why should I have to subsidy the consequence of her choices?"

 

Bottom line: unless he is a psychopath and pathological liar, he is indeed planning to divorce -- I think...

Edited December 2, 2013 by concernedsis

[concernedsis]

They both sound pretty messed up. Let's make a plan, and then not follow it. Everything is under control? Nothing is under control.

 

 

 

He has been living together, but separated, for MORE THAN TWO YEARS?

 

 

He has LONG BEEN PLANNING to divorce his wife NEXT YEAR? Why? Did a fortune teller tell him 2014 is a good year to divorce?

 

 

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you're always a day away.

 

 

When a story doesn't make any sense, usually it is a lie. Or the person telling you the story is nuts.

 

 

This story doesn't make any sense.

 

 

He could be lying. Or he could be nuts.

 

 

How is your sister as a judge of character?

 

 

My advice to you is to be there for her, don't be so in-your-face about your concerns. Be excited for her having the baby. The surest thing in this whole situation seems to be the baby. Try to focus on that when you talk with your sister.

 

 

When it comes to the other man, try to guide your sister into seeing any "blind spots" she has on her own. Raise open-ended questions and see if she can come up with the answers on her own. Don't try to answer them for her, she will just push back against you and want to prove you wrong. Help her to see her situation for whatever it is, which I don't think anyone just reading this thread, with the little info we have on the other man, can tell. As the next several weeks and months pass, the real situation should become clearer.

 

Always according to my sister, the wife is maniac depressive. When they began to consider separation a couple of years ago, and because she had been a stay at home mom for almost 20 years, they decided to continue living together while she pursues a vocational degree. She will graduate in the summer of 2014 (and apparently she already has an entry level job lined up). He was paying for her studies. This is the reason, he claims, that explains why the divorce will take place in 2014. Again, unless he is a pathological liar, I could find that believable.

 

To answer another question: my sister is not a great judge of character.

 

I do have another question: could a man that claims to be planning to divorce but actually has no intention to divorce be actually happy about expecting a baby with his OW? It is the fact that he is happy about the pregnancy that makes me believe he is truthful about his intention to divorce... Or am I being naive as well?

Edited December 2, 2013 by concernedsis

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Actions. Only trust his actions, not his words. He has shown his word means nothing. If it was that simple, he'd come clean with the wife.

 

I wouldn't trust this OM as far as I could spit him out comfortably.

 

Your sister sounds deluded. And naive. And selfish.

 

And be prepared for a whole heap of drama when the children find out. They will HATE your sister. Absolutely hate her. And he might be forced to choose. It will be a sticking point in their relationship forever.

 

How awful for all those kids.

Edited December 2, 2013 by ThatsJustHowIRoll