Just want my life back

[Npieces]

My world was turned upside down two weeks ago when my husband told me that he was done trying in our marriage. We have been married for 7 years, together for 10. We had a child before we were married, although we were living together for 1 1/2 years before then. We were both young, and he now tells me that he always felt pressured to marry me after we had our daughter. We have had ups and downs over the years, things were never easy. I took a back seat to support his career dreams. I was 1 year away from finishing my bachelors degree, but instead waited tables for 10 years to pay the bills while he took line cook job after line cook job hoping for a break. Now he is the executive chef of a well known restaurant and hoping to open his own place soon. I felt like the past few years we have turned a corner financially, and were just getting to a place where we could be comfortable. Finally at a point where I could finish school and work part time in a job I could enjoy, while also raising our family.

 

We had our second child a year ago, and she was very much a planned pregnancy. Two months ago, he was even telling me that he wanted to have a third child in the next couple of years. He has spoken about renewing our vows in a lavish ceremony, and he seemed excited about celebrating the holidays with our friends and family.

 

We moved back to our hometown after living away for 3 years for his job. It was 4 days after we arrived here that he left me and our two children with a housefull of boxes, in a new house, with absolutely no real explanation other than he feels like he is compromising himself by living a lie.

 

He feels like I do not support his dream to leave a "thumbprint on the industry". He watches all of these Top Chef like reality shows on the Food Network and such and feels like that should be him. I completely support him owning a restaurant, I even support him owning more than one restaurant. But I sometimes ask him when enough will be enough for him, and where our family fits into his life. He already misses many things for our kids and holidays by just working for someone else in the restaurant business. He is a self-proclaimed work-aholic, and I know that things will just get worse when he is in total control of something.

 

The entire conversation leading up to his leaving began with me asking him why he was being distant with me. Was he stressed about the job transfer? the move? was there something going on with someone else? This lead to him telling me how unhappy he has been all this time, how "it" just isn't there for him anymore, and he doesn't think it will be back. After checking the phone records, I found he was talking to one of his ex-employees for the last few weeks. I had suspected something, because he had been glued to his phone day in and out. Although he denied it originally, he admitted to it when I told him I had proof. He said it had only been for a few weeks like the phone records showed, and she was just a flattering friend who made him feel good about himself.

 

He has only seen our children 2 days for a few hours since that day. He called and spoke to our oldest on Thanksgiving for 3 minutes and 51 seconds, and we haven't heard anything from him since. The last time we spoke about things was Monday. He seemed to be trying to convince me that we were broken, and he wanted a passionate love that he felt we couldn't have. He said I didn't understand how hard this was for him, that he felt like a horrible person. By the end of the conversation he did agree to come with me to counseling this monday, and to reach out to our friends who he had been ignoring.

 

Our little one's first birthday is tomorrow. He has made no mention of it, and I am sure he will not attend. How can he do this?! I mean it is her first birthday! This man is not the person I knew. He has been out at bars and restaurants every night since he left. He tells our friend that he is "soul searching". Unless he expects to find it at the bottom of a beer bottle, I don't think he is looking that hard. He used to be such a caring person, especially a caring father. Now I feel like he has just thrown us away. I know things weren't perfect, but I just know that there is a way to fix this. It is killing me that I can't do anything to help piece my family back together.

 

Now, I can't eat, sleep, breathe. I am completely lost. My future is gone. I want this pain to go away, so I can be a mother to my children. I want to have hope again, but I see myself as a 31 year old single mother of 2. I have a hard time seeing myself love again. I just want to see the future and know that I will be ok.

[ShannonBanana]

I'm sorry that this has happened. It sounds like he might be going through a mid-life crisis type of event. The walk away spouse will say just about anything to justify their actions. He may or may not come out of this fog down the road...until then it's all about you. YOU! What makes you happy. And of course your kids.

 

I know the feeling of not eating, breathing etc....but this is the time to start thinking about what you want for yourself and your kids now that he isn't in the picture. What do you want your life to look like in 3, 6 months? One year?

 

I know the pain is unbearable...been there...like most everyone here. I found my biggest salvation to the pain was making plans for a future that I want, talking with friends, going to a counsellor, and good ol' fashion praying. Did it suck a lot of the time? Yes, it sucked. My heart was breaking as yours might too. But, one foot in front of the other will make you the strong person you need to be for your kids.

 

Give yourself time to grieve and then get up, dust yourself off and take some action. Even if that action is taking a shower, making tea and doing some writing, doing some work, do something you never thought you could do but wanted to.

 

Yes, you are 31 and set to be a single mom. You are still a baby! So very very young in the big picture. It's better this happened now than in five, ten, 20 years down the line! Your future is not gone, though I know you feel lost. In fact, your future is just beginning. Your bright, brilliant, glorious future. It will be different than you imagined up until now and that might be a better thing than you can imagine at the moment.

 

Don't even think about loving again for a while. It's been 5 months since my husband told me he wants a divorce and I still can. not. imagine finding love. Makes me queasy just mentioning it. BUT I am starting to feel like *someday* I might want/find it again. Takes time.

Edited December 1, 2013 by ShannonBanana

[2.50 a gallon]

Get yourself a good, shark attorney

 

When I was younger I worked in the county court system. One of the lawyers secretaries, a go for, was working for the attorneys to support her family and put her husband through medical school.

 

Once the fool graduation he wanted to be free of his family. I say fool as she was surrounded by attorneys who were more than willing to help. She had more than paid for and supported him all the way through school which the courts saw as an investment, and instead of monthly alimony, was granted a large percentage, close to half of his earnings for life.

[jforthegirl]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, I am about 3 weeks out from my husband telling me that he was leaving. We also have a one year old daughter, it really makes this so much harder. And the holidays too!

ShannonBanana posted some really great advice. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Start planning your future, one step at a time. Start with the financial stuff, that's what I am doing. Starting by separating out our debts and monthly bills. It's keeping me focused on things other than how and why he is doing this.

Focus on your beautiful kids, find little bits of joy with them throughout the day. As a mom of a one year old I can tell you from experience, it is not hard to find about a million moments of joy with them.

And start imagining your life as a single mom. I know it is SUPER hard to even think about it, but it helps with perspective and keeps you out of the denial of it all. Sadly, this is what we have to do, so may as well get on living.

My heart is with you, you got this.

This moment will not last forever.

[RightThere]

Your husband is very much in selfish mode. I'm so sorry that it is affecting not only you but your kids. It's not fair and it's not right.

 

Not sure totally where you're at with the relationship, but if it's divorce or reconciliation, I would echo others and get a lawyer. You need child support and you don't want to let him disappear and drag it out.