Cant get through this [update:ex called]

[TanTry]

Hi

 

I am new to the forums however I have read through pages and pages of the threads since yesterday. They have given me some comfort but I wanted to post to get my feelings out a little bit

 

I hope I don't ramble and I would greatly appreciate any help or advice

 

So I was with my now ex for 3 years almost 4... we had ups and downs sure but ultimately we got on and were best friends.

 

We could just sit and play video games or watch silly programs together all night, there is so many memories I could go into but I wont as not only will I cry but I guess there's no point now... as you can imagaine everything reminds me of him, music, tv, everything

 

Anyway we had broken up around 4 months ago but we continued to see eachother (I know that was silly) we slept together up and until last week and still acted exactly like a couple without the title.

 

He would say things like, "When we get back together" or "You are my best friend" etc

 

We would hug all night and just generally be together as one.

 

Then I call him yesterday around 7pm and to cut it short he tells me he has found someone, a girl and he wants to be with her. That things should have ended with us a year ago and that I should move on

 

He said this all so matter of factly as if we hadnt just laid together for hours last week, or held hands or gone out or that I hadnt hugged him when he cried over his job 2 weeks back

 

He said we shouldnt talk ATALL and that this was the last phone call

 

Now I have been up all night crying, I feel like a part of me has died. I have lost my best friend, my hopes...everything

 

I know I probably deserve it all because I carried on without a title but I love him so much and I thought he did too

 

I know that NC is the only way, and I haven't contacted him since, I have deleted my fb and made a new one without him or our mutual friends on it (cant bear to see his new girlfriend in pics)

 

I am going to change my number

 

But I can not get rid of this deep hole in the pit of my stomach, it psychically aches, I feel like I will NEVER get over this feeling. I loved him SO much ans still do.

 

I cant bear to even think of him with her she must be everything Im not.

 

I just cant take this pain. It is consuming me

 

Someone please please help

[elbe]

Sounds like you are doing all the right things.. The pain will go away. Just stay really busy, work out really hard, eat well, and get back on the market. If there's a guy you always admired now is the time.

[TanTry]

Thank you Elbe for replying

 

I will try

 

There is no other guy though

 

I cant even think of anyone else, there is noone that would compare to him

 

I just have no idea how I am going to get over this

 

Every part of me wants to go to his house now and cry and tell him hes making a mistake and maybe I could change his mind

 

Every part of me

 

uggghhh

[TanTry]

I know this is going to sound stupid but I am sitting here with the worst toothache and its set me off crying again

 

Not because of the pain of the toothache but because last month he had the same thing (a bad toothache) he was in agony and I did everything to try and help

 

I bought him medicine, made him home remedies, searched online, checked up on him etc even gave him the money to go and get it fixed

 

Yet here I am with the same thing with noone to offer me that kind of care

 

I feel so low

 

I miss him

[elbe]

I cant even think of anyone else, there is noone that would compare to him

 

You know this isn't true. It hurts for now, but this will make you stronger in the end. If he jumped right back in a relationship with you he would always have so much power over you - do you really want that? A little independence will help you nourish the soul.

[TanTry]

Thank you again Elbe

 

Just having someone listen and respond is helping me greatly

 

I see what you mean and you are right...

 

He would have all the control, and I guess no I wouldnt want that atall

 

I would only want him to be with me if he really wanted me

 

And he clearly doesnt

 

But how do I get over feeling so rubbish about myself?

 

I think him saying this and the fact he has found another girl has shattered not only my heart but myu self esteem

 

I feel like I am horrible with nothing to offer, because If i was ok he would still want me

 

Whats changed in a week? What did I do?

 

Sorry i know noone can answer these questions

 

My head is just full of them

[fixing]

Sorry to hear of your pain. You need to try and get in that mindset of 'You left me for another woman? Well, enjoy, go **** yourself pal'

 

Dont let the feeling of rejection get the better of you. Take control right now by simply telling yourself 'He can go to hell, im better and i deserve better'

 

Do not feed his ego by contacting him

[LolaMontez]

I just wanted to offer a word of support. I am going through my own world of s**t right now, and I'm sorry to read about what's happened to you.

 

From your post, it seems that he just wanted to keep you hanging there until last minute, until he knew he had someone else to jump to. And when things fall apart with her he will likely come running back to you, expecting you to be there for him again, until he finds someone else....again. Hopefully you won't put yourself through that.

 

I am brand new here as well, but I have been back and forth off the boards reading for quite a while before registering. There is a lot here just reading through sometimes will help you to feel better. Stay as strong as you can

[fixing]

Try to use his rejection as a way of seeing him in a different light. You gotta pick yourself up now and put on a brave face. Its very important that you completely cut all contact with him. Dont go boosting his confidence by crying after him. He made his choice.

It will hurt his ego big time if you completely ignore him and go silent.

[TanTry]

Hi Fixing

 

Thank you for your replies...

 

I agree that I need to change my mindset and realise I deserve better, I guess it is just hard to convince myself of that when I am sat here alone crying all day.

 

Tommorow I plan on trying to go to the gym but I am worried to leave the house and yesterday I cried on the train and had to get off because it all just hit me at once

 

I do not want to repeat this

 

 

I will try my hardest tonight to follow what you have said here

 

I wont feed his ego, you are right

 

I plan on not contacting him

 

But knowing I will never hug him or see him look at me the way he used to again is like a knife through my chest

 

I wish I never got so deep into it all because now hes left me to drown

[TanTry]

From your post, it seems that he just wanted to keep you hanging there until last minute, until he knew he had someone else to jump to. And when things fall apart with her he will likely come running back to you, expecting you to be there for him again, until he finds someone else....again. Hopefully you won't put yourself through that.

 

 

 

Hi Lola

 

I am sorry you are in pain too, I really wouldnt wish this feeling on anyone

 

I agree with what you said, he has used me,

 

He even said on the phone he has been talking to loads of girls for months and doesnt want to feel constricted anymore

 

That i am his EX and that this new girl makes him happy and that he likes her

 

He also dropped in the fact he is bringing her on a date

 

I feel crushed

 

I honestly do

 

How will I keep up with life, going to work etc when all I can do is cry

 

If i allow my mind to think I just plunge deeper into sadness

 

I wish I could grow some balls (metaphorically) and get over it

 

But it is hard

 

This forum is my only lifeline though

 

Thank you x

[fixing]

Going to the gym is the best thing you can do, trust me! And everytime you start to 'imagine' the not hugging or kissing him, force yourself to realise the reality here. He chose someone else, so imo, he doesnt deserve your love anymore.

And for sure, never call, text or anything to him. Otherwise he will be feeling like Mr world. New girlfriend, and the ex who is chasing him.

You have the choice now, either stay in bed the next 6 months crying, while he enjoys his life, or take back control and be pro active.

This pain will pass with no contact and determination.

[TanTry]

Thank you fixing

 

I will try my best to go the gym....will update you all tomorrow

 

I just feel so alone tonight

 

But your replies are keeping me sane

 

I am trying what you said, to push all thoughts out and focusing on reality

 

He has a new girlfriend

 

I am in his past.

[TanTry]

You are also right, he would feel like Mr world if i call him

 

I will do my best not to

 

I am surprised I haven't tried to yet

 

I guess I have been too busy crying

 

 

How can he cut off 4 years in one call??? I just cant believe it

 

I just find it impossible to beleive anyone will ever love me again

 

They will have to see all my flaws, the ones he accepted

 

Oh god it hurts

 

I wish I could sleep for a month

[fixing]

I know its very lonely right now. Thats why its important to be around family and friends. Its also great to keep posting here.

And tbh, if he can throw away 4 years over the phone like that, he clearly isnt the real one for you. Quite shallow and cold of him.

And dont be silly, everyone has their flaws.

Dont even think about men right now, focus on YOU. Gym, eat well, socialise, take up an old hobby, but never give him any more attention.

You watch, he will come back to you in a while, but by then, you will be over the pain he caused you and you will tell him to sling it.

 

Stay strong, and force all memories and thoughts of him away. Its self inflicting pain. Take control.

[ponchsox]

Yes you can do this! Keep telling yourself you can. Adversity makes us better. Stay strong my friend!

[TanTry]

You are right

 

I know you are

 

I am just trying to force the words into my head

 

I will be re reading this post a lot over the next few days

 

It is true that if he can just throw all of this away that he is not the person I need in my life

 

I am just so attached to him and what we had I put everything into the relationship up until the very end.

 

One thing I am proud of is that I did not beg him to take me back

 

Sure I cried, but I didnt beg him on the phone

 

I refuse to beg him ( I hope i dont go back on this)

 

I need to be strong, I know that

 

Thank you again for replying it means so much to me honestly

x

 

 

I have removed him from my phone although I know his number off by heart

 

Tomorrow I will go to the gym and delete all pictures.

 

I know i will cry all day but I have to try and get into a ok state before monday as thats when life starts again, work etc

 

I can not afford to be fired. He recently got a new job so all is going so well for him... i think he forgets how much i helped him out when he had nothing

 

It seems i meant nothing in the end

[TanTry]

Thank you ponchsox

 

It means so much that a total stranger can show me so much compassion

 

I didint expect any replies so to have so many is over whelming

 

Isnt it ironic that total strangers are showing me more compassion and care than someone I thought i would one day marry?

 

Life.

 

 

I appreciate all your repsonses x

[TanTry]

One thing I am finding hard atm is every time I hear the lift outside my flat I think its him coming to say how sorry it is and that he loves me

 

But of course every time noone knocks my door

 

I am torturing myself i know

 

I am telling myself to stop but maybe it takes time

[fixing]

You sound like you are doing amazing!! And your right, NEVER, EVER BEG!

Thats the cruelty about being the dumpee, our lives become jeopardized because of the shock and pain.

Remember, to love yourself, look after your job. The last thing you want is for him and his new girlfriend to hear that your in pieces over this.

He isnt worthy of you, he sounds very shallow and a bit of a chancer.

I despise those type of people, that can drop one person, and immediately jump into bed with the next.

Yes, go to the gym tomorrow, get in the best shape you can be, absolutely FORCE your self to occupy your mind on other things.

You never know, you may just find single life even better lol!!

He's a loser. And i bet his gf isnt even nice.

**** them both, they deserve eachother.

 

You will be fine, trust me.

[TanTry]

Thank you fixing

 

Your (and others) replies are helping me through tonight

 

I despise it too, the fact he can already be with another

 

A friend of mine (a guy) called me earlier and I couldnt even pick up the phone, just the thought of hearing another mans voice hurt me

 

Yet he can kiss her and everything else...I dont even want to think about it.

 

 

I am pleased that you said you think I am doing amazing...it does not feel that way

 

I am trying to cling to positives and this is what I have thought of so far

 

1) At least this happened before the New Year so maybe this is a fresh start for 2014

 

2) Perhaps the fact I have a toothache is a good thing as the immense pain from it is slightly distracting me from the emotional pain I am feeling

 

 

That is all I can come up with atm and to be honest my mind goes between feeling positive to crashing again

 

Thats the hardest part, the ups and downs

[fixing]

I can think of a few more positives.

 

1. You accepted his decision with class, and did not beg.

2. At least you did not have children, that would be awful.

3. At least this happened now rather then in 5 years when you are married, own a house together.

4. You just found out what kind of man he really is: Shallow, uncaring, two faced, and kind of unloyal. (Who wants that?)

5. You are your own woman now, your strong and independant.

 

Im sure there are a lot more positives to list, i just dont know you well enough lol

 

Yeah, i agree, 2014 is the one. New start. New and even better you!

Do try to talk to friends, and again, force yourself to overcome things that remind you of him. Talk to the male friends.

Get rid of all his photos and unconnect all social media between you both.

[TanTry]

Thank you again

 

You are right about those positives

 

Especially number 1...i am quite proud that I didnt do that (yet anyway)

 

I hope 2014 brings better things

 

It just hurts, it feels like I wasted 4 years

 

I will let you know how I get on tomorrow, I hope I make it to the gym although I worry this will make me feel worse

 

Staying in bed feels safer

[TanTry]

Hi all

 

I just wanted to post a update and ask for some advice/reassurance

 

My ex called me yesterday (2 days after the breakup) and I answered. I wasnt going to but it just got the best of me. The convo ended up being around 2 hours, but it was mainly him speaking. He was saying he had been too rash by saying we shouldnt talk atall and that although we dont work in a relationship he wants us to be friends and still see eachother but that he wants me to not see him as a partner just a friend etc

 

He went on and on about this, saying I must get over him but that he doesnt want us to act like strangers and that he loves me like a brother and that he is always here.

 

I said I understand and that to be honest I wouldnt like us to be starngers either considering how much time we had spent together and underneath the title of relationship we were best friends however atm I still have feelings for him so I am going to get over him first

 

He said that the term "get over" is a horrible term and that its not like that, that he just wants me to not need him and not be in love with him

 

He talked a lot but mainly on the same subject, he also threw in a few memories that we shared. I ended up bringing up the girl he had mentioned on Friday and said I cant be around him in any form when he has a new gf as I am not ready for that

 

He said it wasnt like that and its just a girl he likes but he doubts they will get together, that he thinks its a LONG time before he will get with anyone so I shouldnt worry

 

He then hinted at coming to see me, I avoided this subject and said I was busy

 

The convo has left me slightly confused by not anymore upset. My plan is to not see him for a long time (months) until I am over him and have myself together. I want to focus on myself, get driving lessons etc. I plan to tell him if he asks to see me that I cant see him while I still like him. Then stick to that

 

I think i can be his friend at some point but that point is way way in the future and doing so now would just be fooling myself

 

I could really do with some insight into all of this? Why do you think he called? Remember the fact on Friday he said we shouldnt talk atall until atleast the New Year, now he wants to see me, yet he is still saying adamantly we cant be together.

 

Any replies are appreciated x

Edited December 2, 2013 by TanTry

[TanTry]

Hi all

 

I just wanted to post a update and ask for some advice/reassurance

 

My original post is here - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/446059-cant-get-through

 

 

 

My ex called me yesterday (2 days after the breakup) and I answered. I wasnt going to but it just got the best of me. The convo ended up being around 2 hours, but it was mainly him speaking. He was saying he had been too rash by saying we shouldnt talk atall and that although we dont work in a relationship he wants us to be friends and still see eachother but that he wants me to not see him as a partner just a friend etc

 

He went on and on about this, saying I must get over him but that he doesnt want us to act like strangers and that he loves me like a brother and that he is always here.

 

I said I understand and that to be honest I wouldnt like us to be starngers either considering how much time we had spent together and underneath the title of relationship we were best friends however atm I still have feelings for him so I am going to get over him first

 

He said that the term "get over" is a horrible term and that its not like that, that he just wants me to not need him and not be in love with him

 

He talked a lot but mainly on the same subject, he also threw in a few memories that we shared. I ended up bringing up the girl he had mentioned on Friday and said I cant be around him in any form when he has a new gf as I am not ready for that

 

He said it wasnt like that and its just a girl he likes but he doubts they will get together, that he thinks its a LONG time before he will get with anyone so I shouldnt worry

 

He then hinted at coming to see me, I avoided this subject and said I was busy

 

The convo has left me slightly confused by not anymore upset. My plan is to not see him for a long time (months) until I am over him and have myself together. I want to focus on myself, get driving lessons etc. I plan to tell him if he asks to see me that I cant see him while I still like him. Then stick to that

 

I think i can be his friend at some point but that point is way way in the future and doing so now would just be fooling myself

 

I could really do with some insight into all of this? Why do you think he called? Remember the fact on Friday he said we shouldnt talk atall until atleast the New Year, now he wants to see me, yet he is still saying adamantly we cant be together.

 

Any replies are appreciated x