Cant get through this [update:ex called]

[Jules78]

That's called begging and it is NOT attractive, do not do it.

At least that is what I was told in my thread when I considered begging my ex. If it isn't good for me, it isn't acceptable for you either.

 

Begging is a horrible idea. It never works. I was begged and pleaded with and it drove me away and made me lose feelings for him because it was annoying, desperate and super unattractive.

 

Do not go there! I've also been the one begging and pleading and it will make you feel a million times worse!!

[me85]

Hi TanTry.

 

Your story is my story. Word for word. The only diffrence is my ex never said there was someone else even though there was and that's why out of the blue he was just "done."

 

Of course he had his ridiculous rebound (for like a month-that I know about) I did not found out about the other female until 2 weeks ago. Before I found out, I was going through the same deprssion as you. Had a known he was lying and keeping his new RS a secret at the time, I would not have been and sure enough the instant I found out a switch turned off somewhere inside of me.

 

It may have been easier for me to let go because I know what the other female looks like and that she's a single mom & lives 2 states over so I knew it had no potential to be more that a short term fling for him & just some unexplainable, bizarre attraction. VERY bizarre because she's not at all pretty. Just stating a fact.

 

Anyway he has been blocked on my phone for 2 weeks and Sunday afternoon emails me wanting me back. He's poured out his heart like never before and I seriously thought I'd hear from him in that way ever again. I have been very happy these past 2 weeks (probably because I was so miserably depressed a solid 2 weeks prior.) and because I had CLOSURE. & so do you. He is with someone else sweetie. Let this motivate you. My anger about it was short-lived then out of no where I felt very very good and laughed with a buddy over it while having a few beers.

 

As soon as I'm enjoying life and looking forward to my future and knowing that I'm going to be ok, that I AM ok, as soon as I accepted it was over and I honestly and better off and good no matter what...well here he is...

 

trying to win me back.

 

Hang in there honey.

[me85]

"and I seriously thought I'd hear from him in that way ever again."

 

Correction:

I seriously thought I'd NEVER ever hear from him saying he wanted me back. I knew I'd hear from him to say hey how are you or something, just not to hear him beg for me to take him back.

 

"I felt very very good and laughed with a buddy over it while having a few beers."

 

My guy friend and I laughed our asses off because my ex downgraded and we were basically making fun of him, well I was brutally making fun of him. lol My guy friend told me "He wants that over you?!!! WTF IS HE THINKING?!! SO D.U.M.B."

 

"as soon as I accepted it was over and I honestly and better off and good no matter what"

 

Correction:

As soon as I accepted the fact that it was over, and it finally dawned on me that I was honestly better off & good no matter what, he sends me an email pouring his heart and soul out to me. Who'd have thought?

 

I haven't made up my mind about us. I'm still skipping along my path of self devotion. My journey is to be happy and never settle for less than I deserve EVER again. My ex and I are lightly texting and I told him I am extremely cautious & he says he completely understands. I am letting him pursue me. I am not saying much about how I feel right now as I am guarded & simply not reading into his words because actions speak louder.

 

He says he is going to work his ass off earning my trust back.

 

We shall see. I'm not holding my breath or getting my hopes up that's for sure. I'm still attending fun parties & going out as a single gal. In other words, I'm keeping my options open.

Edited December 5, 2013 by me85

[TanTry]

Hi everyone

 

Thank you for all your replies, I keep going over and over them

 

Just to clarify though, I haven't begged him (yet), I know it is unattractive...I just felt like it at that point because I was having a really low night

 

I still haven't contacted him but it is getting hard now

 

Tonight for example I keep thinking of him a lot and I want to talk to him SO bad. It is just so frustrating having to stop myself when my heart and mind is telling me this is what it wants

 

although I know that its for the best to leave it, he doesn't want me and to be honest I know I would feel worse after the call, if not straight away then at some point

 

Me85 - thank you for your reply, I'm sorry you have gone through this too but thank you so much for your reply xx I will try my best to follow your advice, about letting the fact he is with or wants to be with someone else motivate me

 

I guess its true, why am I calling someone who wants to have sex with , kiss, hug and love another woman?? It doesn't make sense does it

 

I just wish I could stop myself missing him, when will it get easier?

 

I have tried keeping busy, I was at work tonight and yesterday

 

I am worried about the weekend though as I have nothing planned

 

I dont mean to wallow in self pity but its just really hard tonight, its like my mind is my own enemy now

 

Its telling me "Life is too short, just call him, he makes you happy"

 

Ugggh

[TanTry]

I thought I was doing ok but now I feel really panicking

 

What if he contacts me and asks to see me?? I honestly feel like I will go

 

I dont feel strong

 

I miss him

 

I know I need to get a backbone and just say no if he does but I am so so so worried

 

I feel sick

[TanTry]

Why do I feel like this tonight?? I havent contacted him or looked at anything of his

 

But its all feeling like too much right now

 

I have no faith on myself that I can get through this week

[cavalier99]

Dont crack. You need to get thru the 1st few weeks. Lock your self up if necesary. Also block his number. Then delete it.

 

Right now at this time it the BU is like heroin withdraw ..but worse. It is really tough. But you can do it.

 

If you break no contact you start over. It is PURE survival time. Do u want to have to suffer like this again. Because that is what will happen. I promise after a few more weeks the pain will reduced.

 

You are thinking emotioally and not logically (normal at this stage). Hang strong. Do ANYTHING but contact him please. Cav

[TanTry]

Thank you so much Cav

 

I feel really embarrassed about these posts now, I seem so weak

 

I was scared to read the replies but you have really helped me

 

You are right I need to be strong, I can do it

 

I will keep posting

 

Thank you again

[me85]

Hang in there girl! It's normal to obsess. Rejection does this to us.

 

 

Don't be embarrassed, we've all been there.

 

 

It will get better. Please just try to occupy your time with fun healthy things.

 

 

Keep your schedule busy busy busy!

 

 

Let yourself feel whatever you feel but only allow yourself to cry and be sad (or whatever emotion about it, even anger) for like 20-30 mins a day then keep knocking your time limit down as time goes by. I only allowed myself 5-10 mins to be "down" about it. Now I'm fine and you will be too.

[TanTry]

Hi me85.. thank you for replying

 

I am trying to stay busy. Today I went to a local event (christmas thing) I found myself nearly crying, literally had tears in my eyes. Just thinking of xmas and the fact I am alone

 

Today is exactly one week NC and 1 week 2 days since he said we should end things. Its hard because he called a week ago saying he was sorry if he hurt me, that we should be friends and that he would come and see me ANYTIME. He even put a kiss on the end, saying nothing had changed just that we didnt work as a partnership

 

Now I am sat her a week later crying AGAIN. I almost called him just now (know the number off by heart) but I thought I should maybe post here before I call.

 

I just want to talk to him again, its harder because hes not ignoring me so its like I know if i call I could see him but I have to stop myself???

 

 

I feel so awful right now

 

I miss his voice, his hugs. EVERYTHING

[fixing]

Your doing amazing so far!! Keep it up! Do not call him. Dont give in!!!

[TanTry]

Thank you fixing

 

I am trying

 

I havent called

 

Just reading through pages of the threads here

 

I want to call him so badly

[TanTry]

I just thought I would post to let you all know what has been going on

 

Still haven't contacted my ex, it is really hard though. Today I was doing work and I got quite a lot done to my surprise. But now that I am home again I cant stop thinking about him again

 

I want to call him. Just to talk to him I guess? I dont know, I just miss him

 

Also I cant help but think that NC is just me tricking myself into thinking I am ok and that I dont love him but really I do... so all I am doing is running away from everything?? I dont know if that makes sense but thats how I feel today

 

But on the other hand I know I am not as upset as I was on the first day or two, I can atleast function a little now.

 

I just really miss him.

 

I want to get to ta stage where I can be ok on my own, as I have always been in relationships, I guess thats why I am taking this so bad.

 

The guy I met at the event the other day has asked me out for "drinks" on Sunday, I said ok. Is this a bad idea? Obviously I am not going to expect anything atall, I saw it more as a distraction I guess and maybe it will force my mind into finding another man attractive

 

I hope this isnt selfish? I may not go anyway

 

 

I just wish this feeling would go away , why do I have to be in love with someone who doesnt want me? The memories are hurting me so much today. I keep thinking of everything we have done together, all the places we have been and I miss it all

 

Sorry ...I wish I could post here with good news but I just cant yet

Edited December 9, 2013 by TanTry

[Hippie Lady]

Hey Tan, I was following this thread and well you do have good news and that is you have continued with NC. I know it's difficult, today is day 54 for myself. I remember when 1 week and 2 days felt like an eternity.

 

It does get easier as each day passes, I still have moments and it took breaking NC a couple of times before I learned it was just bringing me more pain. Don't let your ex relieve his guilt or make this BU easier for him. You can't be friends with someone you still have feelings for and you deserve to be more than a safety net to someone.

 

I say go out for drinks with the new guy you've met, keep your expectations low and just concentrate on your happiness and your future. If you don't feel like being social all the time that's ok, but do something productive, set a goal, read a book, try a new restaurant/coffee shop. Good luck! Keep us posted.

[BC1980]

It seems like an eternity in the beginning. I'm at 3.5 months, and I broke it once. I was also in LC for awhile before that, so my breakup was a mess. As bad as NC is, breaking it is worse.

 

You are up against a lot of emotions right now, and it will take months to plow through them and make some sense of all of this. You come to new realizations every day it seems. I won't sugar coat this process because it is hell at times. I'm at 7.5 months post breakup, and I'm such a different person now. I don't wish this on anyone, but it does give you a different depth of experience.

 

All I can say is keep going. Above all, choose yourself, and keep on going.

[TanTry]

Thank you hippie lady

 

I really appreciate your reply.

 

I have been reading through pages and pages of the site tonight to help me and I feel a little better, enough to make it through tonight at least.

 

I also put up my Christmas tree (I live in England) so the front room is looking a lot brighter.

 

I think tomorrow I will change my bed covers and move my room around just a little, maybe the change will make me feel like a new start? If that makes sense

 

Well done for staying NC for so long, I hope I make it to your stage. You are right I guess it does get easier each day. I just have really bad days more often than I would like.

 

I keep worrying about the time he contacts me because I believe he will at some point (didn't end in an argument) my plan is to post straight here before replying. I am worried as I cant imagine myself just ignoring him.

 

Its like kicking a dog..just something I would never ever see me doing ever.

 

Sorry horrible example but that's how much I think I wouldn't do it

 

I think I will go for the drinks, if the guy doesn't cancel on me that is...I don't hold any hopes for it but it will be nice to get out.

 

I am trying to feel positive, I do not want to be with someone who sees me as second best or a safety net as you say

 

I was thinking of all the memories we shared tonight but also tried to see the reality too. And the reality is, yes we had amazing days and nights together, yes he was my best friend but despite the fact that we had those memories he still didn't see me as good enough to want to commit to

 

So i must move on

 

I will not be someones leftover option, I want to be the main meal

 

I deserve to be.

 

Sorry for the long post, I find typing helps me

 

I will take your advice, I have so many books that I promised myself I would read, maybe now is the time x

[TanTry]

Thank you BC1980... you should feel proud that you have maintained NC for so long, you also give me really good advice and I am grateful for that

 

I loved the fact you said "Choose yourself and keep going"

 

I need to write this down (I have a whiteboard stuck up on a wall at my house, I put messages on there as I forget things lol however lately it is full of "DONT GIVE UP" type messages to myself)

 

I am worried about what is to come however I am so so grateful for this site, you all make me feel like I can do this

[Hippie Lady]

Hey Tan,

 

Thanks for your posts, I'm rooting for you! You hold power and independence by continuing with no contact.

 

For example, if you call him and agree to be there for him as a friend he's not getting a chance to miss/value your friendship/

 

Also, are you prepared to hear about other girls, dreams, emotional baggage and give support and advice as an unbiased friend?...probably not quite yet.

 

It gets messy that's why time and space, although painful and difficult is the best course of action. I too couldn't fathom the idea of never contacting my ex again, I guess I hope they contact me just so I have the option of replying or ignoring...completely ignoring someone is rude, but it's not rude to be honest and tell someone you don't feel a friendship is possible at this time.

 

You're doing better than you think!

[TanTry]

Hi guys

 

I really need some advice

 

I have been sticking to no contact and today makes it 1 week 4 days but today my friend was talking about jobs and the recession and happened to mention my ex lost his job this week.

 

I felt so bad for him as he worked so hard and it was his dream job..apparently he posted it on fb that he had lost it etc. I've been thinking about him all day because of this and every part of me wants to be there for him but i know thats not my place now

 

So i got it out of my head and carried on shopping etc got home and did some work

 

But now at 4:25 in the morning i receive a text from him. Its completely blank so it would appear to be a mistake but in order to send a text on his phone (we have same model) you have to select the name and press send so i think he has done it on purpose.

 

As soon as i saw it i felt funny inside like a shock worry butterfly emotion

 

Why is he doing this? He misses me?

 

I am going to ignore it and carry on but just need some advice on sticking to NC

 

I feel like a horrible awful person for not responding even to that message.

 

I just hope i can get some sleep and not be up thinking about him

[fixing]

He is doing the classical selfish thing dumpers do. He is getting a little annoyed that you are appearing so strong and not calling him so he is basically prodding you with a stick to see if you react. Its a breadcrumb.

DO NOT RESPOND. It was no mistake. Take pride in the fact you are bruising his ego by being so strong.

 

Oh, he lost his job? Tough ****!

 

Its not your job to be there for him. Thats his new gfs role.

 

Your doing great. Good luck on the date tonight and keep up the good work!

[TanTry]

Thank you fixing

 

I will continue NC

 

It is hard but worth it

 

Lately I have been thinking about all our memories but looking for the things I did not like about them, like feeling unwanted at times etc, the arguments

 

So hopefully my mind will stop seeing it as such a fairytale and snap to relaity

 

I am just sad he lost it as I know how much it meant to him

 

You are right though about the new gf role... that helps me stay focused.

 

And the date isnt until Sunday (it is Thursday now in London)

 

I am not sure if I will go but if not I hope to go out and see a friend anyway

 

Thanks again xx

 

Just getting off to work now so I will post again later

[Softie]

sorry your in pain.

 

I feel lonely too, coming on here does really help also getting those thoughts and feelings out and down on paper also helps.

 

Just be kind to yourself, exercise you will feel better even if only a gentle walk, take nice baths, get a self hyponis cd, look after the inside and outside and remember............

 

Karma, what goes around comes around, eventually

[TanTry]

Thank you softie

 

You are right, this site helps so much

 

Im sorry you are in pain also

 

I am trying to look after myself but I found I have no motivation to go the gym..the days I feel really upset all I want to do is sit and do nothing

 

How can I force my body to do more

 

It is hard

 

And you are right about karma, I believe in that strongly.

[Softie]

what about Yoga? I go once a week it really helps with your brain. or a gentle walk around the block if you cannot go to the gym.

 

I know its hard, i'm not eating much really and suffering whiplash from crash two weeks ago so I don't feel like it but I force myself into it as you do feel better afterwards.

[TanTry]

Hi again

 

I have never really thought about yoga, I may give it a try

 

Just wanted to post and update everyone on how I am doing, it helps me to type

 

So today is 1 week 6 days NC and I feel a little better, I find myself thinking about him a lot right when I am lying in bed trying to sleep

 

But I start to have a conversation with myself and tell myself "I know it hurts but do you really want him back after this?" etc etc

 

Its like I am telling myself off which normally helps the thoughts dissapear for a while

 

 

I have been throwing myself into work, I wasn't even going to go in yesterday as I felt awful but I dragged myself in and managed to have a really good time actually (I host a radio show)

 

I find it hard as I have to appear so happy on air when inside I am going through the mills atm

 

One thing I have found hard the last few days is I keep getting flashes of him with another girl, a stunningly beautiful one. Better than me and its like someone has kicked me in the chest

 

How can I stop the thoughts?? The thought of him and another girl haunts me

 

I cant even imagine being with someone else right now but I know him and his pasts dictates that he doesnt stay single for long, plus he is looking the best he ever has atm

 

It makes me quite angry actaully as when I met him he wasnt in the best shaoe although I didnt care ATALL as to me he was my ideal man. But the last few months hes hit the gym HARD and its like the moment he felt his best he dropped me so he can **** all these girls who want him all of a sudden

 

Makes me sick! I have been there for him through SO much, work stuff, family stuff. I literally bent over backwards for this guy yet he doesnt want me

 

I wish I could call him and tell him how annoyed I am right now, how can he treat me like this?? I hate him

 

Another thing is he owes me money a substantial amount and I know I wont get it back now as I will remain NC, he can keep it anyway I would rather get away from him now regardless

 

It just hurts so much that he can drop me so quickly yet he wants to be my FRIEND

 

I don't want him as a friend!!! And i actually feel offended that he would ask me this. I am also angry that I have wasted all these months waiting around for him to WANT me, being here for him, not asking any questions just loving him. Giving him everything I bloody have and he just throws it all away

 

Has he known this whole time that he wanted to go out and **** other girls and do all of this??

 

Sorry I just feel rally angry all of a sudden

 

I am going for a walk