Cant get through this [update:ex called]

[Philosoraptor]

He needed to clear his guilt, that is all. This was completely about him and him feeling guilty, and you releved his guilt and made him feel better about the breakup.

 

Coming to see you may have been guilt, may have been just wanting to sleep with you to help him cope... either way, it's not good for you to communicate with him until you are fully healed. He says you two will not be partners again, so accept that and cut him off.

[TanTry]

Have I been very stupid by answering his call? I just couldnt ignore it

 

I didnt beg him or even mention getting back together. I also didnt cry and I didnt agree to see him

 

He messaged me also later that night but I have not replied and dont plan to as it was small talk about work so I dont see the point

 

I am really confused as to why he suddenly wants this friendship? He kept saying, I wil come and see you anytime and no matter what girl I see in the future I will always hold you above them and in a special place in my heart

 

And that he will always be here

 

I just dont know what to do tbh

 

I know I cant be his friend now, I would just be lying to myself

[BC1980]

So he's telling you all about what you need to do? How nice of him to give you the advice. So he's telling you that he still wants the relationship but defined as he wants it. A real winner that one.

 

How arrogant. I would never talk to him again. I'm getting angry just reading that post, and I don't even know him.

[TanTry]

Thank you Philosorapter

 

I think what you have said is very true, he wanted to relieve guilt. It makes sense as he was apologizing if what he said hurt me etc

 

Do you think he really wants us to be friends at some point though? Should I consider this for the future? It feels strange to cut someone out all together when you shared a lot with them

 

However I know I must continue NC until I can honestly say I am over him, and I cant say that now.

 

It hurts that he is willing to see me because I want to see him so much yet I know I must not

 

I have to stick to the reality I guess

[TanTry]

BC1980

 

Isn't it so sad that I saw it as him caring for me

 

He was even giving me tips on how to move on, that I should focus on myself etc

 

It is so strange.

 

I can see how it is arrogant though

 

I guess I am blind sighted because I love him

[Philosoraptor]

The thing is, right now you two are not a couple so his opinion doesn't mean anything. If when you've healed you decide you want to become friends, you can cross that bridge when you get there.

[KelC411]

TanTry,

 

I really appreciate your reply on my thread and wanted to return the favor. I am so so sorry about your deep pain. I am in the same boat. I keep imagining cuddling him and kissing him and the way he used t laugh and smile with me. Heck right before the fight that led to the split, he held my hand. Its so hard. I also feel terrible about myself, especially since he blamed the whole split on me. I think all we can do right nowis focus on ourselves and not even worry about new love or whether people will love us. But its easier to say than to do for sure.

 

Hang in there! I will walk through this with you and maybe we can all help each other get through it.

[TanTry]

Thank you KelC

 

I agree that we need to focus on ourselves and I am here to help you too

 

I appreciate it x

[TanTry]

Ok I see what you mean and I agree

[Crila16]

Yeah...that convo was ALL about him. If he really cared about you, he would leave you alone and let you mourn and move on. He's being very selfish. He's trying to make you think he's the nice, concerned ex, but he's all about himself. He's also trying to keep you around without fully leading you on, just in case he changes his mind.

 

You really, seriously need to NC with this guy. If you do, then you'll see how HE reacts to that, and you'll then know what the truth is and you'll see the real reason behind him wanting to stay "just friends"..."like a brother"...whatever. How hurtful that was to say. He needs to really care about you and leave you alone completely.

[TanTry]

Thank you crila

 

I agree, I need to go back to serious NC

 

I am really struggling tonight, it has just hit me all over again

 

I miss him and it makes it harder that he is willing to see me

 

My heart is telling me to just go and be friends as atleast I am still around him]

 

But I know that isnt healthy and I have to move on

[TanTry]

I am not sure why but it is really affecting me tonight

 

I feel like theres a hole in my stomach

 

Its taking everything not to take up his offer of going to see him as friends

[Just smile]

I wish there was a magic pill. Because nothing anyone says is gonna make this click for u or me or anyone. WE are in control , but somehow lost in what we feel in our hearts. All u can do as I'm doing right now, is be.

[BC1980]

BC1980

 

Isn't it so sad that I saw it as him caring for me

 

He was even giving me tips on how to move on, that I should focus on myself etc

 

It is so strange.

 

I can see how it is arrogant though

 

I guess I am blind sighted because I love him

 

My ex pulled this same thing. Honestly, I don't think they really know why they do it. I don't think they sit around and plot out how to take advantage of the breakup. My ex really thought he was helping me, but it was so arrogant. I took his bait at first, and it just allowed him to ease out of the relationship.

[Crila16]

I wish there was a magic pill for everyone. I wish there was a law of love...that you could only like someone that would like you back. I would save so much on boxes of tissues and ice cream.

 

Tantry...the fact that you want to be friends with him (though you are not even close to ready) shows you how selfish he is. He kind of manipulated you, whether it was intentional or not. It's actually kind of cruel. I had an ex who was so in love with me, and I really cared for him deeply...but only as a good friend and brother type. He wanted to stay friends, and I told him he wasn't ready. 1 year later, I thought he was ready to be just friends again. Nope. He dumped the girl he was seeing and was begging for me back the minute I hung out with him again. My mom one day said to me, the kindest and most selfless thing I could do would be to let him go and move on so he could find someone who could really love him, and allow him to grow to love someone else if I truly wanted him to be happy. It's been 7 years and I found out he's married.

 

This guy isn't that nice. He wants to keep you around on his terms. NC all the way and don't look back. He's not your friend.

[CrJsc88]

I'm going to be very blunt with you. You can't communicate with him, Ignore texts and phone calls. I think you should of ignored his phone call. What's done is done and he made a choice. You have to move on and take care of yourself.

 

 

That pain in your stomach is going to be there for a month or two maybe even three. Eventually it will heal and you won't want to think about him. I don't think you should be friends either, you're going to think of him another way everytime you see him and that pain will always be there. I say give it time don't rush anything. Cut off all outlets to him.

[cavalier99]

Doesnt matter how nice or possibly selfish he is. If he is sincerce or alleviating guilt ecetera

 

Bottom line. HE IS THE SOURCE OF THE PAIN.

 

Like NO FOOLIN says. Avoid him like he is a serial killing stalker.

 

Cut him out like a cancer and dissapear.

 

He wanted out so he lost all right to contact you.

 

He isnt your friend he is the DEVIL right now. Understand?

 

Maybe in a year he will be your friend..but for now he is pure evil and to be avoided like the plaugue. Rock on! Cav

Edited December 2, 2013 by cavalier99

[cavalier99]

I am not sure why but it is really affecting me tonight

 

I feel like theres a hole in my stomach

 

Its taking everything not to take up his offer of going to see him as friends

 

DO NOT TAKE HIM UP ON THIS OFFER.

 

First of all it is immposible. Secondly you will set back you healing a ton...well actually you wont heal. Thirdly you will just let him off the hook for destroying you and breaking you heart.

 

After a BU there is inverse realtionship betweern how dumpers and dumpees feel.

 

Think of him like a vampire. The more contact the better he feels about his decision at your expense. Im mean your ok being friends right..so everthing is cool. he goes on his merry way. Talking to you whenever convenient. Until he get in new RS. Or he uses you as a emotional support as he gets used to being without you.

 

You on the other hand suffer immensy with this contact. You set back your recovery with false hope and contact. Just pure misery. Dont do it. GO HARD CORE NC.

 

Your thinking emotionaly and not logically right now. Cav

[seekingpeaceinlove]

HOW DARE HE!?! Seriously, reading your post annoyed the *#$% out of me because he is SO INCREDIBLY SELFISH. Me me me me me. He dumped you. He's telling you he wants you to fall out of love with him but that you should grin and bare this fact and be friends! WTF!?! If he had any decency and respect and love for you as a person he would leave you alone. He would allow you to form a friendship on YOUR terms.

 

Like others have posted he is using the opportunity to assuage his guilt. He sounds really manipulative.

 

For your own sanity and to properly heal you MUST cut him loose completely. Tell him to not contact you until you are good and ready. Then block him.

 

All you need to know now is that HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU. In fact, he's got a new girl....can you REALLY be friends with him right now with your aching bleeding heart? You've got an open wound now and contact with him is like rubbing salt into it. Do you think wounds heal if you constantly pick at it and let it continue to bleed?

 

NC immediately! I know it hurts, it feels wrong but it'll be better for you in the long run. He does not want to be with you. Nothing else matters except that fact. He can whine that he misses your friendship, your companionship, the inside jokes, the memories..etc..BUT IT DOES NOT CHANGE THE SITUATION. He does not want to be with you.

 

You must heal and you will. Only you can determine how you'll go about doing it..

 

(BIG HUGS)

Edited December 2, 2013 by seekingpeaceinlove

[TanTry]

Wow...

 

Coming online to read all these replies has shocked me, I didnt expect so many people to care or to reply so thank you all

 

Tonight is the worst I have felt so far and I surely would have gone to see hi, tonight if it wasnt for this site. Honestly.

 

You are all right about it being selfish, I am starting to see that now, he was probably lonely or he enjoys the time I give him ( I was a good friend to him throughout everything) so he regrets being so harsh. But you are right I can not just stay in that role while he emotionally removes himself more and more.

 

I just cant.

 

Something just happened though, my friend came over and I was telling her about everything...

 

But now I am in a panic as I just saw on my friends phone (I was writing a message for her and checked outbox) she had written a text to him saying "Leave "insert my name" alone and cut all ties, her heart is worth more than your ego"

 

My heart sank I felt panic, why has she done this? I haven't told her that I know she sent this and she has gone home now, I just came straight here to ask advice. Now I want to text him to tell him Sorry for that message and that it wasn't me (Incase he thinks i sent it from her phone etc) I don't know why its panicked me this much...I feel so bad like I need to explain I didnt tell her or know she sent that

 

Or should I just leave it?

 

I dont know what to do...I guess I care incase it pushes him away? How weird am I

 

I just cant bear the thought of him feeling upset... I know that sounds so crazy.

 

I wish there was a magic pill too

 

Thank you all for replying, just having this site is helping me to not text him right now.

 

I like the thought of thinking of him like a vampire, he gets stronger, I get weaker. It is so true.

 

I will keep that in mind

 

It just sucks so much that I have to ignore my best friend, how did it all come to this? I feel bad because I think to myself "Lifes too short" what if something happens to him and I chose to ignore him?

 

My mind is so messed up atm

 

But thank you all again

Edited December 2, 2013 by TanTry

[seekingpeaceinlove]

LEAVE IT ALONE. DO NOT apologize to your ex for your friend's message!

 

She did you a favor.

 

YOUR EX DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU.

 

Nothing you can say or do will change this. Nothing your friend says or does will change this. Nothing.

 

Your ex made the choice to leave the relationship. Your only choice now is to move on.

 

You are in the grieving stage and you really can't see past the pain...but you can control your actions. Let yourself grieve..cry, throw things, mope...but do not contact your ex as it will do you more harm.

 

Do everything else...drink if you want, eat your fave food, cry, call all your friends and family...but DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX.

 

That's your only task. Focus on that for now.

 

Baby steps.

[TanTry]

Thank you seekingpeaceinlove

 

I haven't text him, although it is hard not to. My main fear is what to do if he messages me because I have never ignored a message from him in my life so this will be SO hard. I will post here if it happens though

 

My plan for tomorrow is to go to a open mic night thing with a friend, a person from work invited me so I guess I should leave my house

 

I also have work on Thursday and Friday and have loads to prepare for but I haven't been able to focus on anything. I am worried I will fall behind. I have so many things I need to do (work wise) that I feel scared

 

I have spent almost an hour reading through this site, the divorce section everything

 

I will take all this advice and keep going one day at a time as you said

 

Thank you x

[Simon Phoenix]

your friend did you a huge favor, because it doesn't sound like you are capable of putting your foot down here. What your ex said was awful. As for pushing him away, flush that terrible thought out of your head. He pushed you away WHEN HE BROKE UP WITH YOU. You can't push something away that leaves on its own.

[TanTry]

Thanks for replying

 

Im sorry if it feels like I am repeating myself

 

I do take all your advice in

 

I just need to remind myself sometimes

[BC1980]

Thanks for replying

 

Im sorry if it feels like I am repeating myself

 

I do take all your advice in

 

I just need to remind myself sometimes

 

We know exactly what you are going through. This site really helped me decide to go NC and maintain it (broke it once unfortunately). The posters here have such good advice, and they have all been through this before. We will talk you out of contacting your ex if you need it.