Cant get through this [update:ex called]

[BC1980]

My best guess for the messaging is that he wants to keep the door ajar in case he decides to pop up in the future. If you keep messaging back, you are telling him you can handle this type of interaction and you're okay with it. I had a hard time with this too because I felt like I was being mean to him. It's really not about that. Any time you answer a text it call, it just keeps the door open for more BS.

[TanTry]

Thank you for replying..

 

You are so right. I feel bad as if I am being mean if I completely ignore him, it is not in my nature to ignore

 

Plus if I am very honest I miss him so sometimes I allow myself to talk more than I know I should

 

I know I have to stop though.. its only been twice though and it started because of money

 

I just wish i could stop caring

[BC1980]

Thank you for replying..

 

You are so right. I feel bad as if I am being mean if I completely ignore him, it is not in my nature to ignore

 

Plus if I am very honest I miss him so sometimes I allow myself to talk more than I know I should

 

I know I have to stop though.. its only been twice though and it started because of money

 

I just wish i could stop caring

 

I think it's part of the bargaining phase of grief. You are trying to bargain a way for him to be in your life in some capacity, and, if we are honest, we want to put on a good show to keep the door ajar. The problem is that it just drags out the entire process, and you feel like you aren't going anywhere.

 

NC is difficult if you have an ex who likes to keep tabs. You really have to toughen up with these people, and I know how hard it is. NC forces the hope to die if you stick to it, which is actually scary no matter how much we say we want to move on. It doesn't happen overnight. I remember very clearly being terrified to stop thinking of my ex because to me, doing so would symbolize that the relationship was over. Of course, that isn't even logical because it was already over, but it's part of the process of letting go. It took about 4 months of NC before I let go of any and all hope, and those times were actually the hardest. The actual acceptance that it was well and truly over.

 

Keeping contact allows you to live in denial because it's so painful to move on. Trust me, I've been there and am still there some days. When I feel bad, I tell myself that the only way through this is forward, not backwards. You can break through to the other side in time, but you can never look backwards.

[TanTry]

Hey everyone

 

It has been a while so I thought I should post back and update you all on whats been going on and I also need a little help if I am honest

 

 

Ok so if you arent aware of the backstory my ex dumped me after almost 4 years together... we had been sort of on and off /sleeping together for the last few months of the relationship however we acted as if we were together.

 

He called me and said he had met someone else and didnt think we should speak anymore and that we couldnt be together.

 

I was heartbroken

 

Came here and posted, and this place was my rock.

 

Fast forward to my last post here, I think I was asking if I should reply to his texts, I was struggling with NC and I felt bad for ignoring him.

 

So he sent me a long message around 2 weeks before Valentines day, basically saying "I will always be here for you and I will always message you as I see you as a massive part of my life etc" .... I decided I would reply and to cut it short we met up.

 

 

It was at a bar, it was the first time we had seen eachother since he broke up with me so that would have been just under 3 months.

 

 

I expected to feel butterflies when i saw him but I felt nothing, almost robotic. I just wanted to see what he had to say I guess. He started the convo but hugging me, telling me I looked good and that he had been working out loads (he even asked me to feel his muscles) ...we chatted about life really nothing to do with us. He did look good but it was like I was looking at a stranger not a guy I was madly in love with.

 

Then about 40 minutes after we met he said "Im sorry I have to go, I told my friend Id go to his to chill, he is picking me up now"

 

I was shocked.... this is the one time I had met him after 3 months of him trying to form a "friendship" with me again and he walks out on me after 40 bloody minutes?? He had also said before I left my house that "Even if we sit on a park bench all night thats all I want, just the chance to speak to you in person"

 

I felt mugged off and angry, I said this to him... I stood up and said "Ok, well I am very disappointed in how you've acted and I am angry tbh...this is the forst time we have met and you choose to leave, why didn't you tell me this before I came?"

 

He apologized over and over, saying he never meant to be disrespectful and that he had forgot he had arranged to meet him also that he would contact me tomorrow and rearrange a time to meet and that he really wanted us to work something out as friends.

 

I didnt agree or disagree, he got in his friends car and drove off. It was 1am now so I caught a cab home.

 

 

I havent heard from him since.... no text... no "did you get home ok?".... no follow up.... NOTHING.

 

I also spent Valentines day alone (when we met he said we should meet up then too as friends)

 

This has told me everything I need to know. He is selfish. He met me for an ego boost.

 

I am hurt, I feel annoyed all over again. However I am in a much better place then I was when I first joined this forum. I no lonfer worship the ground he walks on. I no longer cry myself to sleep every single night. I no longer feel the ache in my stomach when I hear his name

 

So I promise if you are at the beginning of this process it DOES get better. But NC is a MUST. Stick to it. Do not meet up with them atall or atleast whilst you are still hurting. It will do nothing but step you back...

 

I have learnt there is no quick fix, nothing will speed it up, but the longer you hold out and fight through the pain, the easier it will become.

 

Ive been going to the gyma lot, which has helped. Gone out with friends etc

 

However I am still not at the finish line, sometimes I will still cry about it all. I miss him.. I miss his friendship, his love. I miss it all.

 

But the difference is now when I feel that I do not call him. I just let myself feel and then continue with my life.

 

I guess I'm posting to let you know it improves, but I am also posting as I am worried I will relapse as such

 

It is my birthday this month and I am having a party, inviting all my new and old friends. Suddenly I have an urge to invite him? Is this crazy?

 

I sort of know it is.... but my mind is saying that out of respect I should invite him. Plus I am starting to miss him again

 

Sorry for the long post, I guess I need some reassurance to keep me on this path

 

Tan xxx