Fighting a lot lately, feel like I'm going crazy.

[SarahMoon]

Long story, but I'm going crazy. To anyone looking from the outside, we have the perfect life. We have been together for 12 years, he seems to be the perfect man, we have 2 beautiful children, he is a college graduate with a great job, and I get to be a stay at home mom. Sounds great, right? Maybe I'm just spoiled. By the way, we're not married . If you were a fly on the wall, you would see where the issues truly begin, behind closed doors. Quite frankly, I feel completely unappreciated, and unloved. I can't shake my feelings, and he does nothing to try and help me. To anyone, he is a perfect guy. He works, and comes home. He's not out drinking, he's not out chasing women, he looks like the perfect family man. I greet him at the door every single day, kiss him on the cheek and welcome him home. Dinner is always on the table, our kids are well behaved. I live my life trying to please him, quite honestly. I will surprise him with special foods to make him happy, and I do everything I can to welcome his family into our home.

 

However, I feel exhausted. And I feel like he is detached. He comes in, and I never know if it's going to be a good night or a bad night. Sometimes I think it will be a good night, and then in a split second he will turn grouchy and hateful. I'm not the chatty type, and I can always tell by his face when to leave him alone, so I keep quiet during those times. I don't feel like I can talk to him, he seems detached from our children....in general he seems unhappy. No matter what I do, he seems unhappy. In 60 seconds, he can go from happy to riding my a** because there was a spot of water on the floor. Anything can set him off, and I walk around this house on eggshells. Before he gets home from work, I frantically go around to make sure everything is "in order". Dogs have water, done. Cushions on couch pushed in, done. his ashtray empty, done. etc.

 

I have no friends. All I have is him and our children. We moved "out of state", away from my family so he could be near his family. It was supposed to be only for a few years, now it's been 10 years. His mother is constantly here and doesn't respect what I would like to be my house rules (like stop bringing junk into my house! she is a borderline hoarder and can't come without bringing bagfuls of stuff with her) If I say anything at all negative or that I don't need the stuff, he gets very angry with me...calls me ungrateful, unappreciative. I become the very bad person. I'm to the point now that I'm afraid to have an opinion.

 

So we've been fighting for a few days now. I've been under alot of stress lately (he doesn't really care), I have a family member in another state dying from cancer that I can't be near, I found out my little sister is having severe drug addictions issues and lost her children, which has tore my parents up and caused problems in their relationship...all things happening that I can't be there to help them with.

 

So this week, Thanksgiving, I was busy preparing a giant feast for him and his parents (divorced) and our children. After our meal, he came to tell me his mom had decided to spend the night. That's fine I said. When we woke up the next morning, he told me he was going to make her favorite breakfast for her. I have to be honest and admit that it really hurt my feelings, I'm not the jealous type, but it hurt my feelings. He never cooks for me, ever. He does for her on many occasions, and it's always things that I don't like. When he asked me if I was mad about something, I was honest and told him I wasn't "mad", but the fact that I've been cooking for 3 days and he decided to get up and cook for her actually hurt my feelings. Did he think about maybe cooking something for me? He was FURIOUS with me. He was mean, evil, said hurtful things to me. I only wanted to explain to him that it kind of hurt my feelings.....and he was very mad about that. The things he said to me made me cry, I told him I feel "unworthy" of him cooking for ME...that's how it made me feel (his mom constantly tells me how he always cooks for her, makes her great things, and she wonders why he doesn't treat me that say way...it's only her).

 

When I started crying, he laughed in my face. This crushed me even more. I only wanted him to understand that I feel like I don't matter. I'm not jealous, I only wish he would think every once in awhile to do something special like that for me. We haven't been "out" in about 6 years, he never takes me anywhere, he doesn't ever try to make me feel like I "matter" at all. He says he does the best he can, he provides for us....but the bigger picture is that I am afraid to EVER EVER EVER tell him if something bothers me, that I feel I need to keep it all inside, if I say anything that he doesn't like....he explodes on me. The last argument he told me the bums down on the street take better care of themselves than I do and after the argument he apologized and said he just said that to hurt me. It's a constant battle, but I feel like I was a large rock at the beginning of this relationship, and slowly over time I've been chiseled away to only being a small pebble. This time one of his responses was "screw you, I'm so done with you".

 

I try as hard as a I can, but anytime I ever try to mention that something bothers me, his response is always "if I'm so bad to you, go find someone else". I don't want someone else, but I want him to understand that I should be allowed to express my feelings without fear of him acting out hatefully towards me. I think in a partnership, I should never feel "AFRAID" to share my thoughts or feelings. Am I being overly sensitive here, or should I be able to voice when things hurt/bother me???

Edited December 1, 2013 by SarahMoon

[Million.to.1]

How old are your kids?

 

I would encourage you to get out of the house, get some work and get your own life back. But first, take some time to go be with your family.

If your kids are old enough to leave for a week?

[SarahMoon]

They are 7 and 8 years old, both in school right now. I haven't been back to see my family in years, "you're not using my money to buy plane tickets". I've heard over and over again. I get to see them if they come here. I cannot get a job, that is not really allowed. My job is to "take care of the house and the kids". That way, I get it thrown in my face that I "don't do anything".

[xxoo]

I think in a partnership, I should never feel "AFRAID" to share my thoughts or feelings. Am I being overly sensitive here, or should I be able to voice when things hurt/bother me???

 

What are you afraid of?

 

I understand he's treating you miserably. No, I wouldn't tolerate it. But what exactly are you afraid of? Why don't you stand up to him, and tell him you won't allow him to speak to you that way?

 

What do you mean you aren't "allowed" to have a job? What happens if you go get one?

[SarahMoon]

I'm actually trying to stand up for myself this time, and it's not going so well. 2 days of silent treatment, the kids are miserable, I am miserable. I've told him I don't want to fight but I shouldn't be afraid to stand up for myself. I'm tired.

 

To the job - He would force me to quit, he would make my life miserable until I quit, He would go around this house with a fine tooth comb looking for things not done right, he would blame the job for that, and he would guilt me that the kids are suffering, and he would probably tell the kids I was to busy now for them, and it would be like living in hell. I've thought about trying to volunteer my time locally, I've even mentioned it to him and he told me I have enough to do here. Then I remember one day the phones were down and I didn't realize it...and he calls home every single hour to check on me, and I didn't answer the phone. He got in his car and drove the 45 minutes home, and it was days of anger, hostility, name calling, accusations (did I have my boyfriend here?), and threats.

Edited December 1, 2013 by SarahMoon

[lollipopspot]

You need to get out. I don't know how you're going to do it. Is there a women's crisis line in your area that can help you set up a plan in case he becomes violent, and to help you find an attorney?

[xxoo]

He's extremely controlling. Can you see how abnormal this is? Was your family like this?

 

You can't fix him, but you can figure out why you've tolerated this treatment, and what you're going to do about it. Are you actually afraid of him? Do you have reason to believe he would hurt you if you stood up for yourself?

[Eggplant]

When did the emotional abuse start? Was he that way when you dated?

[SarahMoon]

The treatment has gotten steadily worse over time. Nothing immediately started it. It's been a little here, a little there, a few months decent, then weeks really bad. He always seems to try and make up for it after, being more affectionate, but then it goes back again. It was nothing like this when we were dating, or even early on when we moved in together. I can remember it was really bad (maybe worse than now) after I had our first child.

[Notsure_9]

I agree with some of the others you need to get out and get a job and get your life back. You deserve a life outside of the house and kids.

[lollipopspot]

What the holy F&*k! I am literally laughing out loud at the responses to your post OP.

 

Wow.

 

MEN - pay close attention! Read the post and the responses 2-3 times. This is the world you are entering. You will come home from a tough day at work. You will want to do nice things for your mom. You will be called a good many by everyone around you.

 

But god help you if her feelings shift. Women actually used the word "abuse" in response to this post!

 

Save this thread to a file and if you EVER feel pressured to get married, take this out and read it. Find a best man friend of yours and show it to him so he will remind you when you start getting those romantic feelings for a woman.

 

The men who agree with you (i.e. think threats, anger, accusations, isolating the wife and not allowing her to work etc.) are o.k. should also get a vasectomy ASAP.

 

1) you won't be tied to a woman by a child for decades

2) you won't be able to abuse innocent children too

[Lauriebell82]

Are you not married because of him or is it a mutual thing?

 

 

Regardless, what is your reaction when he says these things to you? Do you yell and say mean things to him in response?

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is the kind of shet I NEVER want to fully understand about women...because If I did my brain would probably explode just accepting something so utterly ridiculous.

 

In fact I already do "get it" I just don't even want to think about it though...I think it's absurd and pathetic.

 

And here's the typical f@ckin scenario;

 

He's mean, abusive, neglectful, angry, dissatisfied, never pleased, bitter, short-tempered, he doesn't appreciate me, disrespectful, cruel, never takes me anywhere, basically makes you do a job like raise the kids and take of his house but thinks you don't deserve any money for yourself because of it, won't let you work or go out of the house because he's probably a jealous insecure maggot who'd probably get his @ss handed to him by a real man who would make him his little b!tch and never does anything nice for you, wah wah wah wah wah but...

 

"He's the perfect man on the outside and I love him and don't want to leave him"

 

That kind of BS...like really? and then on top of it you're not even married to the douchebag? ha!

 

WTF makes it worth it living like this? like wtf ladies, is this the kind of relationship you've already dreamed of? is the white-house-picket fence dream alive and well enough for you to essentially sacrifice yourself for the sake of procreation?

 

My god, and then you live in the area where his family conveniently is and then you can't even get on plane to visit family or anything not because he's worried about the kids since his mom seems to be around all the time anyway but he doesn't want you to spend his money! ha!

 

Like what kind of freakin advice do you want? the ole "Well maybe you should talk and tell him how you feel and then that'll magically change everything" or the "you should leave"...which one you want?

 

Because obviously after 10 years everything has already been said and done, communication has been at a stand-still and has fallen to the way side for the sake of a routine and what exactly do you expect or think is going to change?

 

I don't know how people consider this anywhere near "perfect" just because the guy is working and paying the bills while you stay at home....raising YOUR kids, yet the whole relationship itself is basically crap...it just boggles my mind what people think is good in this life...you only live once but you're going to less the superficial BS run your life and convince yourself that it's worth it...insanity man.

 

The guy has you already locked down into a repressed mode...he's not happy with this life either, resents you for it, nit-picks and finds things to be upset about as a way taking out his inner frustration and dissatisfaction...he likely doesn't want to hear anything you have to say because it just make him more upset and resentful of the whole situation including likely himself but since he doesn't let it ever get out in the open he just keeps living in this denial about because he doesn't want to face the truth anymore than you do.

 

You're being a little damsel in distress, you're exactly the type of woman this man would be with...someone who doesn't know or recognize her own self-worth, someone he could pick apart over time and belittle until she thinks nothing of herself because she's likely got low-self esteem and because you're such a pussy cat you sit there and take it actually thinking that if you bend to his will and do everything right it'll make everything happy...so how's that working for you so far? better than fighting back and getting into fights for it right? might as well take the blame and sit in a whole in the ground...after all, it's not like you're a human being anyway that deserves any respect, at least you don't treat yourself like one from the way you're letting him treat you.

 

This situation can only get worse, there are things you do to definitely get back at him but that is really not worth it in the long-run, you need to do whatever it takes to and push hard and without wavering what you want and need in this relationship...I think you should outright leave but you seem like one of those people who will convince herself no matter what and no matter how bad it gets that you can fix this mess...living in denial for years until you either roll over and die inside and accept it or finally get the ovaries to move on and fight for your own happiness and life.

 

You need to rally some support and get some people on your side to help you get out of this relationship, and hopefully by some miracle you're not silly enough to sabotage your own ability to do so because you think you "love him" and want to do it for the kids and the household...I guess your own happiness comes in last place, if that's the case then just suck it up and deal with it...crying about isn't going to do you any good, you're the one accepting this for yourself, you're the one CHOOSING to live like this at the end of the day and don't BS me about him changing or you changing him, it's been 12 years...get a clue, wake up, stop living in a fantasy and start accepting the reality.

[Debanked]

Sarah you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and are trying your best to be a good partner and mother. Sorry you're dealing with this situation and are under-appreciated. Sounds like your partner has fallen into the bad habit of taking you for granted. He is the one that needs a wake-up call. It's a tricky situation with the kids. Look for some local support/counseling and reconnect with friends and family to help get through this.

 

The way your partner is treating you is not normal. Raising kids and running a household is 24x7 and he should be expected to pull his weight as well as put some work into your relationship. You aren't his servant.

 

Look in the mirror and be proud of who you are and what you have to give. Don't let anyone belittle you. Wishing you the best.

[Silly_Girl]

OP, if the only 'solution' to this horrible situation is to leave him, are you prepared to start looking at the scenario, even slowly?

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Being afraid of your husband and not knowing how to proceed because you fear being mentally/physically abused, isn't anything to ridicule.

 

You either need to find a way to get you and the kids back to your hometown or find a support system that will help you get out.

 

If he finds out your plans, he will make things extremely difficult. He'll probably put the place on lock-down. At this point you may not have many options. If you feel you are being held against your will, I imagine the police could get involved, but if he only gets a warning he'll make life hell.

 

Maybe there's an online support group for women in your situation. There will be success stories of how people got out.

 

Your husband is fundamentally flawed. Like, personality disorder flawed. You know it won't change. If it does it is only temporary. Even if he has honest remorse and the motivation to better himself, there is no guarantee that any type of treatment will improve him. Still, we're talking years and years before you would see any real change.

[Lauriebell82]

OP, my husband has Obsessive Compulsive Personality disorder. It is a disorder characterized by the excessive need for order, neatness, productiveness, and the need to control the things around him. In otherwords, he is a control freak. Fortunately for me he has a rather mild case of it, the majority of the time he is a wonderful husband and terrific father. But, as you mentioned, it's like a switch gets flipped when something triggers his anxiety and he turns into a different person. Granted he is not quite as cruel as your husband is to you, mostly he is just annoying bossy. I used to either ignore him (doesn't work and builds resentment) or I would flip out and start screaming back at him (made situation a lot worse).

 

 

So, I decided to seek some counseling and he agreed to go to a couple's session. Unfortunately the therapist we went to for our first session was terrible and it kind of soured him off of it. I didn't let that stop me though, I sought out some individual counseling of my own. My psychologist was amazing, she taught me coping skills and appropriate responses to his controlling tendencies and it has worked wonders!!!! Just by my reaction, he changes his. There are times when it is especially trying to attempt to remain in control, but I keep in mind that if I react that I am going to just make the situation worse and he will not stop. I say my magic phrase which is "Please do not speak to me like that, I don't appreciate it." And that is IT. Low and behold, he stops in his tracks. He can't argue with the statement or hold anything I say against me because it is respectful but firm. Plus, I am not engaging him, therefore if he continues, then he just looks like a jack arse.

 

 

So my suggestion for you would be two things:

 

 

a) Seek individual counseling. Suggest couples counseling, but if he won't go then don't push it.

 

 

b) Try the "magic phrase" and see what happens.

 

 

Please don't feel like you have to settle for being treated this way. Unfortunately men with this disorder are most often in denial, which stinks because then there is no motivation to change. But you can aid him in amending his behavior without him realizing it.

 

 

NOW. If it continues to escalate to violence or he threatens you, then leave with your children immediately.

[Million.to.1]

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship, no doubt about it.

 

If you can't...

 

A - visit your family,

B - work, get a job if you want to.

C - have your own money - spend it how you want.

D - Discuss things you want for your life with him,

E - Do anything without his consent...

 

Then you are his SLAVE. not his partner.

 

It is not YOUR job to stay home and look after the kids and clean the house to the standard HE wants. It is your home too, and you are under no contract to HAVE to do all the things he doesn't. A real man would work out a new plan with his partner, getting a nanny, a cleaner or whatever needs to be done to support his partner in her desire to return to the work force. Your kids are old enough for you to work part time or full time and you should be able to make plans, as a family, to visit your relatives. He is a selfish deluded man who has broken down your life so you have nothing beyond him and your kids.

 

 

I would not put up with this sort of treatment from someone who is supposed to love me. Someone who loved me would want me to be happy, to have dreams, goals, personal desires outside of the family home and be able to visit and support my own family. The fact that he has isolated you from your own family is a massive red flag. He is cutting you off from you support system and making you totally dependant on him.

 

Why do you put up with this? Why don't you see that you deserve better?

seeing a family member who is terminally ill should be high on your priority list. It's disgusting that he would say "your not spending my money on tickets"

You have given up your life to raise his children. 50% of his earnings are yours! You two should be a team. You are not his employee, and since you aren't even getting any money as your own, you are pretty much his confined slave.

 

Not being married also leaves you hugely financially vulnerable should the relationship end, he decided to be the selfish assh*le he clearly is, and pay lawyers to leave you homeless, away from family and with no work prospects.

You need to see a lawyer and find out what your rights are.

[Lauriebell82]

I just read the whole thread. I think you need to consider if this is a healthy situation for you and your children.

[John-Dough]

If what you say is true, he is a total jackass. You need to do something about this, sooner rather than later.