alexis Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 i have known my fiancee for three years. but only as friends. about a month ago we got back in contact and realized that we had feelings for each other and began dating. then a week ago he proposed to me and we are getting married in two weeks. i have no problem with the whole going fast and jumping into marriage because what we have is special and we feel like each others soul mates, and know what we want to do. by the way he is 25 years older than me. as we kept talking about marriage a prenup came up and i dont know anything about them, he said he wants to protect what he already has as well as what he stands to inheirit and what we will accumulate in the future together,ie: money kids etc. how do go about making sure what i am signing is good for me because the attorney is his attorney and i have never dealt with anything like this. i dont mind signing the papers but i want to have my best interests at hand also. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Originally posted by alexis i dont mind signing the papers but i want to have my best interests at hand also. your best interest here is to RUN, don't walk away from this dude and this relationship. you are about to make a very HUGE mistake if u marry him. Link to post Share on other sites
indigo_moon Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 This is crazy. Knowing someone as a "friend" for 3 yrs doesn't give you enough information with which to know they'd be a compatible lifelong marriage partner. This has happened way too fast. It's a known fact that relationships that move very very quickly - they end up fizzling out very quickly down the line. You can't possibly know each other well enough to make this kind of serious decision and why the big huge rush to marry within 1 month of beginning a "real relationship"? Whose idea was it to marry so quickly? Is it his? I'd be awfully suspicious of any "friend" who proposed to me after a mere WEEK of getting back into contact/beginning to date......and who wanted to marry a couple of weeks later. SCARY! And to top that off, he's 25 yrs older than you. So what age are you? I ask because this is quite relevant here.........................particularly if he's wanting you to sign a Prenup. Has he been married before? Does he have children from a previous marriage? Do you want children one day? Does he? Or is he at an age where he may very well decide he doesn't want children? Of COURSE you should not use HIS attorney to review the Prenup before signing........that's a major conflict of interest and you could seriously be shooting yourself in the foot. Of COURSE his attorney is going to have only HIS interests in mind........and not yours. A person should only EVER have their own attorney review important documents such as these..........and if your soon to be husband has a problem with that, then you have ONE MORE "red flag" as to what this situation is. Just as he's concerned about covering his assets, so should be sure to protect yourself.............how do you know the agreement wouldn't leave you with absolutely nothing should he choose to end the marriage? What if it's worded in such a way that you're left with not one single thing, even things you and HE worked together for? What if you'd be left to support your children and he's off the hook for alimony or child support, or he leaves you with a pile of debt you can't begin to pay off? I would be very very very VERY leary about a man who waltzes into your life like this...........who's moving this quickly to get married when you 2 haven't even had a real relationship............and now he's wanting you to quickly sign a Prenup - under the counsel (and I use that term loosely) of HIS attorney. Run, Forest, run. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted December 30, 2004 Share Posted December 30, 2004 Nothing wrong with pre-nups so long as you protect your own assetts. For example: Would he expect you to give up your own career and financial future to stay home and raise his babies? What happens if you do that and he decides to leave you high and dry with six kids hanging off your teats and not a pot to p*ss in? ANYTHING can be written up into a pre-nup or any legal contract so long as both parties agree and sign. Including an infidelity or abandonment clause. (wink, wink) My advice…secure your OWN attorney. One who has your best interests at heart. If he wants to approach this like a business arrangement, (and that's understandable) then he can't fault you for handling it like a true professional. Link to post Share on other sites
screamingOmelody Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 Just be certain that you have not given away anything that you and him accumulate together. What was his before the marriage can stay his after the marriage, and what is yours before the marriage can stay yours. People do prenups for not assuming responsibility for the other person's debt that they have before marriage. Divorce is very ugly and make sure you are in love with him before you make the big step towards marriage! Link to post Share on other sites
agnf666 Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 People that do prenups must be scared of getting a divorce or something. In your case since he is 25 years older then you he is scared that if something should happen to him, yo ur basically screwed. I wouldn't sign it. I would get your own attorney to read it over, NOT HIS ATTORNEY! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 What kind of friends were you? Were you the sort of spend-most-free-time-together share-all-experiences friends or the see-each-other-every-now-and-then sort? If you were extremely close as friends, I see nothing wrong with your getting married. You will have already spent a great deal more time getting to know one another than most engaged couples manage. However, if he was the occasional companion sort, then I'd go along with the warnings to hold off a bit. A prenup makes perfect sense but for sure get your own lawyer to help you with it. Link to post Share on other sites
indigo_moon Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 Originally posted by moimeme What kind of friends were you? Were you the sort of spend-most-free-time-together share-all-experiences friends or the see-each-other-every-now-and-then sort? If you were extremely close as friends, I see nothing wrong with your getting married. You will have already spent a great deal more time getting to know one another than most engaged couples manage. However, if he was the occasional companion sort, then I'd go along with the warnings to hold off a bit. A prenup makes perfect sense but for sure get your own lawyer to help you with it. She posted elsewhere recently that she recently got out of a 3 yr relationship so it hardly seems wise to go from one long term relationship to getting married a month later to someone else that's she's known as a friend but only recently got back into contact with and was engaged to after 1-2 weeks of reconnecting. Rebound relationships almost never work out. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 "People that do prenups must be scared of getting a divorce or something...." Well, considering that about 60% of marriages today do end in divorice, I don't think these fears are unfounded. Many people enter into marriage with floaty, romantic visions of what it will be like; these visions are usually quickly dissolved as reality sets in. You are merging lives with another human being; this is an investment in time, emotion, financial and physical resources, not to mention sacrifices you may make in terms of career (some people put their own careers and education on hold to assist their partner's dreams), family (some people move for their spouse) etc etc etc Would you start a business relationship with someone and not have a legal contract? I swear, I think people put more thought into buying a car than they do regarding marriage. First off: SLOW DOWN. What's the rush? Secondly: Get your own lawyer and educate yourself. What happens in your state if a marriage union doesn't work out? Who benefits the most? Thirdly: Have you had the children discussion yet? Do you want them? Does he? Are you willing to have children with someone who will be a very old man by the time they are teenagers? You may essentially be raising children on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 First, the guy's got assets, and he's paying his lawyer to draft that instrument. You need to get your own lawyer to review the pre-nup before you sign it or marry the guy. They really are commonplace these days. I drafted my brother's prenup, and as someone else noted, it was to protect his then-fiancee from any student loan debts that he had incurred prior to their marriage. She was debt free. This guy has legitimate concerns about marrying a younger woman. He's worked his whole life to accumulate wealth. He probably wants to make sure that you're marrying him for who he is and not for his money. He may have kids or other family members that he needs to make sure are taken care of in the event he passes away - some jurisdictions have a surviving spouse elective share provision in their probate code that would give surviving spouses all of the estate's assets unless specified otherwise elsewhere such as in a prenup which could serve as an in vivo disclaimer of dower rights or elective share rights. This is all complex, complicated, scary, and expensive. I'm not a domestic relations attorney and don't want to be. There's a bunch of hurdles to jump through, so if you still want to marry this guy, do yourself a favor and spend a couple grand on an attorney to review it for you and to discuss the implications of your executing it. If you're in the states, there are plenty of ways to find a good family lawyer. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 ok, so what happened to the good ole days when you married for love, when you pledged everything that you are and everything that you will be to the person that you marry?? <sigh> Link to post Share on other sites
billybadass36 Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Oh how very true. I'm a lawyer and I'm not going to even hint at a prenup for my future nuptials...if and when that time comes. Besides, she's got more money than me anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alexis Posted January 3, 2005 Author Share Posted January 3, 2005 FIRST: i am 22 and he is 47 SECOND: i have consulted an attorney that we dont know but has been referred to look at our options THIRD: he has been married but has no children, and said that he wanted children if i did FOURTH: he does have money and that is the whole reason for the prenump but i am not in it for the money i fell in love with him and didnt know what he was worth FIFTH: my ex and i were broken up for the last year or so of our relationship but we hadnt moved out of the house we were in so we werent sleeping togther or in the same bed and i dont think that i am going from one relationship to another and its not a rebound i had already dated other men before my fiance it seems like we are rushing into the whole thing but we arent in my mind we made the decision together to get married and sign the papers and all of your help was useful because i wasnt familiar with prenumps thanks for all the comments Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 So as long as you're protected and you're not "in it for the money" then go for it... Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 3, 2005 Share Posted January 3, 2005 Didn't anyone notice this? ...i have no problem with the whole going fast and jumping into marriage because what we have is special and we feel like each others soul mates... A five week old "feeling" of "specialness" is a ridiculous foundation to build a marriage on. You're only 22, what's the rush? [color=red]Marry in haste, repent at leisure.[/color] At the very least, get your own lawyer whom YOU pay for to review the proposed prenup. You need a LOT more time just to draft and review a reasonable prenup, let alone work through all the issues of marriage. But I'm wondering if you even understand what I am talking about. At a minimum, ask yourself if the two of you have actually BUILT a marriage, or are just flinging yourselves into the unknown. Link to post Share on other sites
Dazzle Posted January 4, 2005 Share Posted January 4, 2005 You're so special that he's already planning for the day it ends? Marriage is a risky business but starting out believing it will work with all your heart surely increases the chances of success. Link to post Share on other sites
Zora Posted January 12, 2005 Share Posted January 12, 2005 Originally posted by Dazzle You're so special that he's already planning for the day it ends? Ouch ... but your totally right. 22 - 47 Humm, I've been there, was it a mistake? Nope, I learned alot but was it not a right thing? Yep, because you, and a 47 year old in time will have nothing in common, are you cool with him too tired to go out, hike, run, ride horses, play pool when your 35 and he's say 60? something to think about, no? Pre nup .. humm, do you have anything??? Like I have big assets, my guy has bigger assets but funny I would not want any of his assets and I know he would not want mine .. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alexis Posted January 13, 2005 Author Share Posted January 13, 2005 we have no problems with the age difference in fact he is very much in good health and shape he is actually working out right now, we work out together usually he doesnt look or act his age and i dont feel that we will have any problems in the future in that aspect just because it didnt work out for you doesnt mean that is what will happen to us we decided not to sign the prenump after visiting the attorney and discussing the options thanks for your opinion though Link to post Share on other sites
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