Question to all the OW

[lady]

how many of you would except a call from the wife?

 

how many of you would even welcome a call from the wife?

[KissMyTiara]

Accept or expect?

 

Accept? Depends on why she's calling, obviously. Why would you want to call her? To scratch her eyes out, right?

 

Expect? Never. That's something that would come as a complete surprise.

 

Whether or not the OW would welcome the call depends on her situation. If she's like me, wanting to get out but just quite can't, you calling me and telling me to stay away and you will fight for him would get me away for good. If I was still in that honeymoon oh-he's-so-perfect-we-are-meant-to-be stage, nothing you could say would keep me away, and if you said really mean things to make me cry and I told MM about it, he might be even more resentful towards you.

 

That said, if I remember correctly, your H told you about her, right? Obviously he feels bad, or maybe he's at a point where he knows it has to/needs to end, and if he feels that way, that he's at the end of the rope with her, she probably feels it to....in other words, she's probably in my situation - sick of it all, really needing a "real reason" to stay away.

 

Call her. Tell us what she says.

[scarletibis]

Hmmm?!? Well, I don't think that I would welcome a call, but I would accept a call from her...not to listen to her rant or rave (though I would) but I guess to hear "her side" of the whole thing. I honestly do believe everything my MM tells me. We've been together a while now and we discuss everything no matter what it is. Still, if she wanted to talk I would definitely listen!!!

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by scarletibis

Hmmm?!? Well, I don't think that I would welcome a call, but I would accept a call from her...not to listen to her rant or rave (though I would) but I guess to hear "her side" of the whole thing. I honestly do believe everything my MM tells me. We've been together a while now and we discuss everything no matter what it is. Still, if she wanted to talk I would definitely listen!!!

 

I'm just curious....why would you believe everything your MM tells you when he's not exactly the posterchild for truth and honesty by virtue of the fact that he's not being honest with his wife? (the fact that he's having an affair behind her back - of course I"m assuming he's never admitted to this and she doesn't know). Why would anyone believe the words of someone who is living in a lie??

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by indigo_moon

 

 

I'm just curious....why would you believe everything your MM tells you when he's not exactly the posterchild for truth and honesty by virtue of the fact that he's not being honest with his wife? (the fact that he's having an affair behind her back - of course I"m assuming he's never admitted to this and she doesn't know). Why would anyone believe the words of someone who is living in a lie??

 

 

I can tell you why. Because the MM tells us everything else. Every little thing that annoys them, makes them happy, etc., and OBVIOUSLY we KNOW about the W and we are willing to put up with it (I disgust myself just acknowledging that), so he thinks that he can share everything else, alllll the bad and the good stuff, and no matter what he shares, he assumes we will STILL put up with it. For him, there is no reason to lie. He loses nothing if he loses us, because he still has W.

[lady]

ok sorry my spelling went out the window with my mind. I meant accept.

 

there are several reasons I would like to talk to her.

 

1. to know what she thought would come from the affair.

 

2. to know if it was just a fling.

 

3. to know if she expected it to lead to a permenent relationship.

 

there are a lot more things I want to know and would love to say to her. to tell her what I think of her for one.

and if I ever feel the need to scratch her eyes out I will be standing on her door step not calling her.

[lady]

Please I did not start this post ofr it to turn into a fight. I really really need to know.

I am in such a scarey cunfused place right now. and you people on here are all I have I can talk to.

[scarletibis]

Originally posted by indigo_moon

I'm just curious....why would you believe everything your MM tells you when he's not exactly the posterchild for truth and honesty by virtue of the fact that he's not being honest with his wife? (the fact that he's having an affair behind her back - of course I"m assuming he's never admitted to this and she doesn't know). Why would anyone believe the words of someone who is living in a lie??

 

You wanna know why? Because he'd lose nothing in telling me the truth...he has a wife already. The very nature of most of these OW/MM is a feeling of total liberation for the MM...he talks and talks and talks...he tells everything: every thing that's ever hurt him, everything that's ever made him happy, terrible things he done to others, terrible things that were done to him. He even told me early on in our relationship when he's thought about cheating on me and with who. We tell all, there are no secrets. Sure, he's lying to his W because should he lose her he loses not only her, but the kids, the house, money - I may pitch a fit and rant and scream at him, but should we have a major falling out over something he tells me, well, he just loses his mistress!

 

Yeah, it does kinda make you fell like crap thinking of yourself as expendable like that, but I love him and he loves me - I know this. And it wasn't like we were together a few months and then he's like "Oh I love you, sleep with me." We've been together over 4 years and he waited over 2 years to even tell me he loved me - and I know a lot of people say it's only about the MM having a new piece of @ss on the side - but it's not all about sex. You'd be suprised how many MM tell all their deepest darkest secrets to their OW. They can - they know we'll still be here...it's kinda sad really.

[scarletibis]

Originally posted by lady

Please I did not start this post ofr it to turn into a fight. I really really need to know.

I am in such a scarey cunfused place right now. and you people on here are all I have I can talk to.

 

Don't worry...we're not fighting We're just discussing!

 

I know I'm just an OW - and I'm sure I'm the last person you would want to hear from - but we're here for you. Believe me, OW know a heck of a lot about heartache and pain and lonliness and confusion too.

 

If you want to call her and ask her your questions go ahead and do it. She can only hang up on you right?

 

I'm really am sorry for how you're feeling!!!

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by scarletibis

 

 

You wanna know why? Because he'd lose nothing in telling me the truth...he has a wife already. The very nature of most of these OW/MM is a feeling of total liberation for the MM...he talks and talks and talks...he tells everything: every thing that's ever hurt him, everything that's ever made him happy, terrible things he done to others, terrible things that were done to him. He even told me early on in our relationship when he's thought about cheating on me and with who. We tell all, there are no secrets. Sure, he's lying to his W because should he lose her he loses not only her, but the kids, the house, money - I may pitch a fit and rant and scream at him, but should we have a major falling out over something he tells me, well, he just loses his mistress!

You'd be suprised how many MM tell all their deepest darkest secrets to their OW. They can - they know we'll still be here...it's kinda sad really.

 

 

SOOO true, see, what did I tell you?

 

As for Lady's question....

 

1. She will say she "knew nothing would come of it," but over time "hoped that he would leave you" and only be with her.

 

2. Fling? May have started off that way, but if we're talking 6 months or more, I doubt it.

 

3. Permanence? Again, she didn't expect it, but she hoped/hopes that it will. She knows it'c crazy to think that, but all she has is hope.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by lady

how many of you would except a call from the wife?

 

how many of you would even welcome a call from the wife?

 

 

Let me ask you this...

 

Would you accept a call from OW, before you knew? Would you want to hear her side of the story, before you knew?

[Naive]

Originally posted by lady

how many of you would except a call from the wife?

 

how many of you would even welcome a call from the wife?

 

I was with a MM before and I did accept his W's phone call.

 

I did not welcome it but I handled it well. So did she.

[lady]

ok first off I think that is a very unfair question, as I am the one married to him and trust and beleave in him.

 

now to your question.

 

I would accept a call if for nothing more than to know.

would I want to hear her side of the story, hell no.

 

not saying I don't understand your pain and also the feeling of betrayal you must have every time he leaves you.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by lady

ok first off I think that is a very unfair question, as I am the one married to him and trust and beleave in him.

 

How is my question unfair and yours isn't? Assuming I am the OW in your situation, we are both in love with the same cheating man. What's fair to either of us?

 

Honestly, you think you trust your H? TRUST him, when he is cheating on you? Believe in him? While he is cheating on you?

[lady]

now I am assuming that what he has told me is true, that before they even decided to meet she knew about me. that being the case. Did I know about her before they met? No I did not. So my faith and trust in my marriage was still intack when they did decide to meet.

that is why I feel your question is unfair.

 

but also if I remember correctly you have been with him for yrs. so yu have a long standing relationship with him also. Am I right?

 

and her being in love with him, lord I hope not. If that is the case then I have a bigger fight on my hands than I have been thinking.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by lady

but also if I remember correctly you have been with him for yrs. so yu have a long standing relationship with him also. Am I right?

 

and her being in love with him, lord I hope not. If that is the case then I have a bigger fight on my hands than I have been thinking.

 

 

I have been with my MM since May. Not years, but it feels like it.

 

One should avoid a war over a man with a woman who's in love. That said, YOU love him too, so she's got just as big a fight to contend with. Only thing is, here, YOU have a better hand. He lives with you and she's far away. He can SEE you cry, SEE you fight. Perhaps he told you to inspire that sort of passion in you. Perhaps that's what he's been feeling was lacking in your marriage. Have you talked about that yet with him - the "causes" from his perspective?

[EnigmaXOXO]

Lady, I think KMT touched on the same point I mentioned in an earlier post - that the wife and the affair partner have very much in common with regard to their thinking and coping strategies. The denial is the same on both ends. The hope and trust (or lack thereof) on both ends is the same. You're both willing to dig your heals in and fight for someone who is manipulating BOTH of you for his own personal gain.

 

I wonder if part of the resentment between W and OW is the fact that they see a reflection of themselves (their own denial) when they look at each other. That part of themselves they don't want to admit - "I'm in an obsessive relationship with a cheater and no matter how sh*tty I'm being treated, I just don't have the self esteem to bail out."

 

Rather than directing their anger at the puppet master…they'd rather scratch each other's eyes out over this loser. Cut her t*ts off. Maybe that's why some guys get so turned on by female mud wrestling and hair-pulling.

 

I'd hate to agree with Grinning Maniac (he cracks me up) …but sometimes we females are just plain psycho! As for me…I'm trying to figure out how to cancel my membership in this crazy, dysfunctional sisterhood!

[scarletibis]

yup...love sure does complicate things! But, as KMT said I think you definetly have the upper hand here...even if she does love him. Did he tell you it was just a fling type thing? Just a physical thing? Again, after 18 years with you and 6 monthes with her I'm sure you have the upper hand if you still love him and are willing to fight for him. Heck, my MM and I have been together for over 4 years now, but he's been married for 17 years...and even I think that no matter how much he loved me if her and I went head to head fighting for him..well, lets be honest, I'd have an uphill battle alllllll the way I'm sure!

[lady]

ok sorry, I was not sure if it was you that had said you had been together yrs or not.

 

first let me say I am truly sorry for the pain you are dealing with also and thank you for being able to talk to me.

 

I have asked him what he was missing that he turned to her for. He said it was her silly personality and her energy and the fact that she is a happy person.

 

I can understand that, my life for yrs has consisted of raising my kids, everything I did involved them or him. I quit doing things for ME. And if your not taking care of yourself, the one person you should take care of first, then you cannot really take care of anyone else. So I can understand what he meant.

 

Your right the only real passion in our relationship for a very long time has been the fights.

We have both lost sight of eachother and our needs.

 

I feel if I had not asked him if there was another woman that it would have been along time before he would have told me.

[indigo_moon]

Lady, if you know for a fact that the OW knows about you, then I guess I'm not sure what it would serve for you to phone her. The problem really isn't with her, it's with your husband. She could fall off the face of the earth tomorrow but if he's "hooked on her emotionally", it doesn't even matter if she's around or not - his heart still wouldn't be completely with you, as it should be.

 

I think that contacting her could make things worse. She might freak out on you, too...and tell you a bunch of horrid things (lies) just to upset you.........just to cause friction between you and your husband..and then where does that leave you? It will leave you more upset and with so many more questions......and it hasn't resolved anything.

 

She might also run to your husband and cry to him about how you called her.......and depending what she tells him (could lie and say you threatened her, could lie and say you called her filthy names, etc etc).......things to make him feel sorry for her and be angry at you. MM can be quite protective of their mistresses, particularly when the affair is out in the open and he's still maintaining contact (hasn't broken things off completely).........she could poison his mind toward you and it might give him reason to leave or at least move out claiming he's "confused."

 

I think if you're going to anything, particularly right now when things are fresh, you should focus your attention and energies on opening up communication with your husband.......trying to understand why he's done what he's done.........and what he feels might be missing in your marriage and what changes he'd like to see...and whether he'd be willing to attend individual and couples marriage counselling..................maybe you and he spending a weekend alone.......just getting reconnected...away from the kids, away from contact with "her"...away from the usual day to day struggles and duties..........just talk, try to recapture what you once had. of course a couple days together isn't going to magically fix things but maybe you need to try to wow his socks off and show him what he means to you.........and how much you want to save your marriage.............??

[lady]

now did I say I was going to contact her, nope, at least not now. but I will in the future when I (me) am on stable ground. If he can not or will not give the answers I need then maybe she can give me some answers to what he led her to beleave.

 

and if I am going to be honest with myself I don't know that she knows about me. But I will give him that much and for now try to beleave him on that one.

 

we were going to try and get away this weekend, if work will let us. and try and get headed in the right direction.

 

I know when it comes to me and her that i have the upper hand, not just because he is here with me but because of our kids. I know it will take something mighty powerful for him to hurt his kids in any way.

 

I may have let myself become to dependent on him, but there is still alot of fight left in me for what I want. Like they say " hell hath no fury like a woman scorned". and if in the end if I loose this one it will not be because I did not try. Right?

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by lady

I have asked him what he was missing that he turned to her for. He said it was her silly personality and her energy and the fact that she is a happy person.

 

 

 

So, what he is saying is that he is bored, he doesn't think you resonate positive energy, and he doesn't think you are happy.

 

Men want to be their woman's (W, girlfriend, or OW) knight in shining armor - the hero - the one to make the woman in his life happy, positive, cared for, protected, etc. After years of daily life, he now thinks that he doesn't do it for you anymore because he believes the GLOW that you had when y'all first fell in love and got married is gone for good.

 

But it's not - right?

 

You remember who that person is, don't you? The woman who glowed, who got silly with him, who was SO happy to see him when she answered the door? That was YOU, the woman he fell in love with. You're still in there somewhere. Show him that person again, and OW, I am certain, will fade away.

[Mr Spock]

It all depends what you want. If you think that your marriage is still worth saving, don't hesitate to tell your husband her or me. I'm serious. He needs to make choices, and it's not fair to EITHER of your. Remember that. He's not giving HER a full relationship, or YOU.

 

 

No more cake eaters.

[StillHurtin]

I am not the OW, I am the W that was betrayed by her H during our divorce/seperation. My H filed for a D almost 2 years ago. I found out about his A w/ a co-worker, shortly after I kicked him out of our home. I loved him and wanted the marriage to work but we had a rocky marriage and he said he didn’t feel that marriage counseling would help. A few days after I kicked him out I heard from several friends that they were messing around. I knew the OW, she knew me, knew we were married and had children 2gether. She tried for 3 years to be my friend but when I found out she was flirting w/ H one night at a company Christmas party I couldn’t stand her. H wasn’t the only MM or single man she flirted w/ a lot. She was well known for her flirting. She was even called the company bicycle (gets around). Whenever I would go see H at work she would come over to talk to me.

To get to your ?, I did contact the OW via phone. I did not bitch or nag at her. I was calm. I asked her what was going on between her and my H as I heard rumors they were having an A. She laughed and said there was nothing going on. She told me that they were just friends and H had been talking to her a lot about our marriage problems. She said that H was having second thoughts about the D and he didn’t know what to do. She said she was there for him as a friend and nothing else. She acted like she wanted to be my friend. She told me she would talk to H about it. She asked me if I still loved him, etc. She was a sweet talker. I started to believe her that nothing was going on between them and it was just ugly rumors. I was stupid, and gullible. A few weeks later a close friend of mine called and said that she heard that they were seen at a game. I called H and he didn’t deny taking her and her ds. Someone gave him extra tickets b/c they couldn’t go and she asked if she and her ds could use them. So that was true. He told me that it was innocent, they just went to a game 2gether. Another week goes by and another friend called me and said she heard that they were seen 2gether. This time I called her and asked her. She denied it. I told her that I didn’t give a s*** if she wanted him (which I did) but to at least have the respect of waiting until our D was final b4 she started seeing him. H told me so many times he didn’t know if he really wanted the D and having her flirt w/ him ect was clouding his judgment. He didn’t know what he wanted and she wasn’t helping him. A week or two later H called me and told me that b4 I heard the rumors that he picked up the OW from the auto mechanic’s shop b/c she needed a ride back to work. I called her at work and as soon as she knew it was me calling she started laughing. I told her to stay the f@ck away from him. She hung up on me. That day I got a letter from my lawyer stating that if I contact her again she would take legal actions. A few weeks later my nightmare came true. Her own H showed up on my doorstep. We sat and talked for awhile. He had proof (letters, pictures) that they were involved. We talked a few times after that. Now I knew the A was true even though they both denied it. I moved back to my hometown and a month later H called me begging me to take him back. He admitted everything. Said he made the biggest mistake of his life. He broke up w/ the OW. At first I wasn’t going to take him back b/c he had the A but I was still in love w/ him. I couldn’t let the marriage go not knowing what our future held for us.

A month after we got back 2gether (still seperated) the OW called him. One time was b/c she thought he was mad at her about something at work (an excuse to call). A few weeks later she called again. This time I answered. I was soooooooo pissed! I couldn’t see straight. She asked me if H heard the story about a co-worker getting hurt. Stupid me was so mad I just tossed the phone to H. I listened. After he got off the phone I called her back and told her to stop calling. She said that I shouldn’t be mad at her b/c H was after her first. I told her that was bulls***, she was after him since day one and she didn’t say a word. If she wasn’t she would of disagreed w/ me. She knew I was right. She told me she wished me and H the best in our marriage. She hasn’t called back since. She is now dating yet another co-worker but at least this guy is not married.

H told me a few months later that she was the one who told him she was attracted to him, and she was the first one to kiss him. Sorry to bore you w/ my story. We are still working on our marriage and it has some difficult moments b/c I can’t forget about the A. I have forgiven him but I still have a hard time trusting him.

 

If I were you, I would call the OW. Hear her side of the story and then tell her to stay away from your H. If your H isn’t willing to end it w/ her and have NC then the marriage can’t survive. If he refuses to end it w/ her and have NC then I would be telling him to get out of the house and slapping D papers on his a$$. I hope things work out for you. I am so sorry you are going through this.

[fanou22]

Lady,

 

I don't see in all this what you husband wants? Does he want to stay in work on his marriage? Did he tell you that he still loves you?

 

You might have mentioned this somewhere else. I apologize in advance if you did and I did not see it.

 

To answer the questions of this thread, if W called me screaming and yelling I would hang up. If she is calm I would answer any kind of questions that she might have.

 

Would I welcome a call from her? NO. Knowing myself I might unintentionally hurt her more than she is with my blunt honesty