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When did you reach your point of no return?


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ShannonBanana

For all of those people who have made it to the other side, how long had you been separated from your SO when you reached the point in which you realised even if they wanted to reconcile, you had no interest in it?

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I reached that point well before we even separated.. It was the moment after I found out he was looking around for other women online - the moment I realized I didn't even care - that was when I knew I had to end the marriage.

But I think that would go for any relationship - when you don't feel even one twinge of jealousy that your ex (or current) partner is with someone else, then the relationship is dead.

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UnbreakMyHeart

I posted on here when my ex first left but haven't really been around much lately. I read back that first post I made last night and I cringed at how desperate and distraught I was

 

It is coming up to 10 weeks since he left and I guess it has been the last couple of weeks since I have stopped the whole 'fake it til you make it' thing. I don't need to fake it now as I am genuinely happy in my own skin, with my own company and feel thankful for the life I now have. Around the same time I came to realise that he could come back crawling over broken glass but the damage is done and there is absolutely no way we could be together again. I value myself too much now to settle for anything other than 100% commitment. Had he ever admitted to playing any part in the breakdown of our marriage then things would probably be different but he hasn't - he actually feels the wronged party in all of this mess and that is, quite frankly, BS

 

I am doing the whole NC thing, and it works. My intention with NC was never to get him to come home - it was a tool for me. I have done so many things in this past 10 weeks that I wouldn't have done before. I have made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I have bought a bike after not riding one for 30 years and am out there in all weathers. I have taught myself to use a sewing machine. I have read and read and read some more. I have arranged to go to Africa for 6 weeks volunteering. I am fundraising. I am finding 'me' again - not so he can see the person he fell in love with once, but because *I* like that me better.

 

 

 

... and that went slightly off tangent! :D

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The answer to this is hugely variable. I separated from my ex twice and had very different experiences with each.

 

The first time we separated, I was confused, shocked, we had two very small children (one a baby of less than a year old) and I just couldn't accept that things had ended. My position is slightly different as the ex has mental health issues and this made her behaviour impulsively wild, but I realise that I never detached myself emotionally and some ten months after we split, we got back together and I did this without question (despite some unreasonable behaviour which I shouldn't have been so forgiving about).

 

That all happened in 2009 and so after ten months, I hadn't even nearly moved on. This time i'd grow longer in the tooth and had developed much more self esteem. I started a business and instead of the ex supporting me (though she allegedly did at first), she quickly became resentful as she didn't feel all the attention was on her anymore. Once again she began misbehaving and got in trouble with the law.

 

On that occasion there was a realisation from within - a realisation that this woman had me placed in a role of maintaining her but never supporting or going out of her way for me. It was all one way and I knew that if I stuck with her, i'd end up resenting her for preventing me fulfilling what I wanted out of life.

 

She once again packed her bags and proceeded to tour bars in some permanent Y shape for all males to jump on board. That kind of thing shattered me before and I was braced for it happening again, but to my shock, it just didn't have the effect I feared. I generally didn't care - this woman is a despicable liar, a criminal, a selfish human being with no interest in anyone else but herself. Her self esteem is so low that she develops survival techniques to function, which in themselves can see relationships and commitments shatter at the drop of a hat.

 

She met another man one month after we separated and I just didn't care. In fact, I was relieved that he could take the flak and I was out of the woods (providing he was good with the kids, which he seems to be). Never in a million years would I take this woman back in my home again.

 

My only problem at this stage is that i'm still filled with a lot of anger. She had told numerous people that I regularly beat her and tried all sorts of scurrilous claims to make me appear a vile bully and nasty person. None of it was true, i'm quite passive and we'd never had a physical altercation of any kind in our nine years of knowing each other. That still to this day fills me with real fury that she could make such things up about the father of her children, and that's now my challenge - to rise above it, to find that indifference and to reach a point where her actions become immaterial to my own emotions.

 

So on first separation? Ten months and still hadn't begun to accept it.

 

Second separation? Knew it immediately and confirmed it to myself within a few weeks.

 

(sorry for waffling on)

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I posted on here when my ex first left but haven't really been around much lately. I read back that first post I made last night and I cringed at how desperate and distraught I was

 

It is coming up to 10 weeks since he left and I guess it has been the last couple of weeks since I have stopped the whole 'fake it til you make it' thing. I don't need to fake it now as I am genuinely happy in my own skin, with my own company and feel thankful for the life I now have. Around the same time I came to realise that he could come back crawling over broken glass but the damage is done and there is absolutely no way we could be together again. I value myself too much now to settle for anything other than 100% commitment. Had he ever admitted to playing any part in the breakdown of our marriage then things would probably be different but he hasn't - he actually feels the wronged party in all of this mess and that is, quite frankly, BS

 

I am doing the whole NC thing, and it works. My intention with NC was never to get him to come home - it was a tool for me. I have done so many things in this past 10 weeks that I wouldn't have done before. I have made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I have bought a bike after not riding one for 30 years and am out there in all weathers. I have taught myself to use a sewing machine. I have read and read and read some more. I have arranged to go to Africa for 6 weeks volunteering. I am fundraising. I am finding 'me' again - not so he can see the person he fell in love with once, but because *I* like that me better.

 

 

 

... and that went slightly off tangent! :D

 

I love this response and it did me good to read it this morning when my thoughts were getting the better of me. I've also done some new things since the abrupt ending of my 22 year marriage that have been great additions to my new life.

 

Next up - how to crochet myself a scarf!

 

I'd forgotten how much I wanted another bike. I never rode as a child because my mother thought I was too clumsy - which I was. I used to beg my husband if we could take our four children for rides - I bought us all bikes - he sold them.

 

So you know what? I am finally going to buy myself a bike and go riding in the new year. I will get the kids new bikes, too.

 

Thanks for posting the question OP and for your response UnbreakMyHeart.

 

Be well all

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After having our baby for 8 months I felt I was on my feet and I left with our baby and my handbag.

 

I felt like a single mum from day one and he just made my life harder.

 

The only good thing he was for was paying the bills even though he wouldn't give me money unless I begged.

 

The dream was over before it even started. I still can't believe it.

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TrappedWanderer

 

The dream was over before it even started. I still can't believe it.

 

That's exactly how how I feel now. Disbelief. But trying.

 

Thanks for the responses so far...would love to hear more. Gives us all in the throws of it some hope :)

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In my experience women tend to move on faster than men. For me [male] it's an on-going process. For her [female] it was the day we broke up like a complete sociopath.

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UnbreakMyHeart
I love this response and it did me good to read it this morning when my thoughts were getting the better of me. I've also done some new things since the abrupt ending of my 22 year marriage that have been great additions to my new life.

 

Next up - how to crochet myself a scarf!

 

I'd forgotten how much I wanted another bike. I never rode as a child because my mother thought I was too clumsy - which I was. I used to beg my husband if we could take our four children for rides - I bought us all bikes - he sold them.

 

So you know what? I am finally going to buy myself a bike and go riding in the new year. I will get the kids new bikes, too.

 

Thanks for posting the question OP and for your response UnbreakMyHeart.

 

Be well all

 

Funny you should mention crocheting - I was on a crafting blog last night reading about it - there are some great patterns out there!

 

I am not saying it has all been plain sailing. We had 10 (mainly) very happy years together and those first weeks after he left were hell - I would not wish those feelings on my worst enemy. It got to the point around the 4 week mark that I ended up having panic attacks, situational depression and extreme anxiety so I went down the anti-depressant root and it really was the best thing I could have done. They certainly hadn't even kicked in when I felt the placebo effect of them - I was taking all of the control back. I sat and made list after list... Lists of what I loved about him. Lists of what I hated about him. Lists of things I have achieved in my life and what I want to achieve. Lists of how I felt... and I still make lists of my emotions even now - the difference being my emotions on those list now are very different to the ones when he first left.

 

I can't recommend being kind to yourself enough, surrounding yourself with the people who care about you the most, and being proactive instead of reactive.

 

Buy that bike and pedal your heartache away :D

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From the time that he told me he was leaving to the time that he actually moved out, there was about 3 months.

 

The first two months, I begged him to reconsider. The last month of it, I just couldn't wait for him to be gone.

 

Somewhere in all his talk of why he was leaving, I realized that everything was all about him. He said so many incredibly kooky things about what he wanted in his life and so many horrible things about how he couldn't have them if he stayed with me. I came to a realization that the kind of things he was saying were just not the kind of things you say to someone you love. There was nothing he could have said or done afterwards that could possibly cancel out the hurt that he had already caused, so at that point I was done.

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That's exactly how how I feel now. Disbelief. But trying.

 

Thanks for the responses so far...would love to hear more. Gives us all in the throws of it some hope :)

 

It's two and a half years later and I still feel this way.

 

I don't know how long it takes.

 

I don't know how he can live with himself because I'm certainly finding life difficult!

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OptimistPrime
For all of those people who have made it to the other side, how long had you been separated from your SO when you reached the point in which you realised even if they wanted to reconcile, you had no interest in it?

 

It was about 18 months after separating that I realized we weren't going to make it. I prayed about saving our marriage for those 18 months and only had heartache. I didn't even entertain the thought of divorce until I prayed about it and had an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. That was when I knew we would not reconcile.

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With my first husband, it was 3 months after he abandoned our 3 year old daughter and myself. He had "knocked up" the girl he had been messing around with for a couple of years (always a contention of discontent in our marriage as you can guess the reasons why). It was more that he didn't know I knew she was pregnant and was trying to beg his way back in, he thought I would be his safe haven as he was abandoning her as well with the pregnancy. He wasn't very happy when I brought up that I knew about her pregnancy. That was truly my point of no return and when I drew a hard line in the sand on infidelity.

 

Fast forward almost 20 years later and a second marriage that was a 15 year relationship that produced a son. My exH said he didn't love me anymore and didn't want the marriage. We tried for 2 months to reconcile but he finally said he didn't want to try anymore. Two weeks later, he promptly moved in with a woman he just claimed to meet after he told me no on reconciling....it would have been sooner, but she had to move her second husband out of the house to let mine move in. He knew what my point of no return was, and he crossed the line. (There was also a lot of emotional abuse/addiction issues that made this an easy relationship to finally be DONE with, so she did me a favor really.)

 

They say that when a woman is DONE, she is DONE. That couldn't be more right in my case, I realized that neither of these men were worthy of my caring, love or support anymore. I owed that to myself.

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I've posted this before, but it's been awhile. The time was mid 2009 I think.

 

The divorce was nearly final, and despite the fact she'd been moved out for a year some epic events in both of our lives caused her to seek me out. I was surprised, but very skeptical. I suspected her 'change' was more about the NC (more of a LC...we had teens) than any real feeling. I never called, texted or initiated anything. I had control. It was never more than hugging and kissing, maybe an occasional movie. It was as if I was looking down on it from above. Watching the scene unfold.

 

Suddenly, she went missing. I knew she had either met (yet another!) man or had drawn in someone from her pool of admirers. I recall fixing a lamp in the workshop when she popped in, clearly 'distant'. I'm fairly sure my nonchalant response to her presence piqued her interest again and knew -again- her desire to keep me both on the hook and at a distance. Throwing her (and caution) a curve, I took her in my arms and slowly leaned in for a kiss, which felt like pressing my lips on a cold cement floor.

 

"What's wrong?" I asked, already knowing. "Uh...err...well," she stammered, "I'm kind of seeing somebody and I don't want to cheat. I don't want to be like that anymore." "So, let me get this straight, you don't want to cheat on your boyfriend by kissing your husband?" "Yes. That's right."

 

I knew it was over forever, yet still amazed at her twisted logic and utter self-centeredness. What a gal! =)

Edited by Steadfast
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TheBladeRunner

My end came in percentages:

 

1. February of 2012 I hear: "I have a crush on a guy at work" and "I can't believe how easy it is to be married and have feelings for someone else". Boy oh boy, hearing that would make any guy feel great, right? :).

 

I checked out about 60% at that point

 

2. We're supposed to be working it out, she was working it out alright..........with a co-worker in another part of the state as far back (guessing) as December, 2011! Isn't that Facebook and stealth texting thing neat-o'? Never bothered to see if her phone was locked out, never felt the need too. Wow.....was I an idiot! This all get's discovered in August of 2012 when I confront her about her weird distant behavior. At this point I am making arrangements to move out and I do. She can't even wait for me to leave the house and she has to run and be with this maggot that knows she's married and has a child.

 

I checked out another 30% and left......I know, why not 100% at this point?

 

3. Ho, ho, ho, the holidays are here and I have been separated 3 months. You know how those stinkin' things are when your in the "D" (divorce) boat. We take that moronic stroll down memory lane and I am actually considering reconciling......and then it happens: I look on Facebook and she has posted a picture of my daughter, a guy comments "So cute". Not just any guy, but the guy she dated before me, 12 years prior. This is the same guy that abused her, cheated on her, and even had her thrown in jail for domestic violence, which I know she did not do. I check the cell phone bills 4 months back and they were talking on a daily basis. Her own family said they would disown her if she ever spoke to him again and here they are....fu#$%ng Facebook "friends" and on the phone every day.

 

THAT is when I checked out completely and decided to get on with my own life. The D was final in June of this year and I have all the closure I will ever need. I have even moved on to a point where we have a relationship, and no, I am not the guy that has the XW as my "BFF". We get along and raise our daughter together.

 

Oh......and the guy that meddled with my family for NINE months to get to my ex? He broke up with her one week later.....said he couldn't be in a relationship.

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I have even moved on to a point where we have a relationship, and no, I am not the guy that has the XW as my "BFF". We get along and raise our daughter together.

 

THAT'S having a healthy indifference. You're doing well. Congrats.

 

I'm not sure why, but it feels so good to be nice to my ex. Not just nice, but especially kind and polite. I smiled and shook hands with her BF when we met. I can clearly recall when that would have been a nightmare scenario. That's what letting go, humility and letting them off the hook brings. That, and the discovery that other women can look, dance and smell even better...;)

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Movingforward2
My end came in percentages:

 

1. February of 2012 I hear: "I have a crush on a guy at work" and "I can't believe how easy it is to be married and have feelings for someone else". Boy oh boy, hearing that would make any guy feel great, right? :).

 

I checked out about 60% at that point

 

2. We're supposed to be working it out, she was working it out alright..........with a co-worker in another part of the state as far back (guessing) as December, 2011! Isn't that Facebook and stealth texting thing neat-o'? Never bothered to see if her phone was locked out, never felt the need too. Wow.....was I an idiot! This all get's discovered in August of 2012 when I confront her about her weird distant behavior. At this point I am making arrangements to move out and I do. She can't even wait for me to leave the house and she has to run and be with this maggot that knows she's married and has a child.

 

I checked out another 30% and left......I know, why not 100% at this point?

 

3. Ho, ho, ho, the holidays are here and I have been separated 3 months. You know how those stinkin' things are when your in the "D" (divorce) boat. We take that moronic stroll down memory lane and I am actually considering reconciling......and then it happens: I look on Facebook and she has posted a picture of my daughter, a guy comments "So cute". Not just any guy, but the guy she dated before me, 12 years prior. This is the same guy that abused her, cheated on her, and even had her thrown in jail for domestic violence, which I know she did not do. I check the cell phone bills 4 months back and they were talking on a daily basis. Her own family said they would disown her if she ever spoke to him again and here they are....fu#$%ng Facebook "friends" and on the phone every day.

 

THAT is when I checked out completely and decided to get on with my own life. The D was final in June of this year and I have all the closure I will ever need. I have even moved on to a point where we have a relationship, and no, I am not the guy that has the XW as my "BFF". We get along and raise our daughter together.

 

Oh......and the guy that meddled with my family for NINE months to get to my ex? He broke up with her one week later.....said he couldn't be in a relationship.

 

Man, I hope I can get moving like this. I'm 4 months into this deal and D will be final this month. 2 beautiful daughters and it makes me sick. Definitely not interested being friends with my wife at all, but we are both each other's drug and can't get away from each other. It's weird but true. That is one of the reasons I want the D over so quickly, so I can move forward. I have no interest in fighting for the next year or 2 over my daughter's senior year of high school because her mother "isn't happy".

 

I can take responsibility for my part in it and can admit I had it made, but she did too.......and reality will hit her once she is picking up most of these bills, because I literally will have little to pay for.

 

The holiday thing has already started, and though I know reconciliation is probably not possible on her end........i would probably consider it. It's like the Xmas miracle that will never happen. I would be lying to say I don't miss my family, my house, and traditions, but I'm trying to figure out how to start some new ones.

Edited by Movingforward2
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worldgonewrong
For all of those people who have made it to the other side, how long had you been separated from your SO when you reached the point in which you realised even if they wanted to reconcile, you had no interest in it?

 

Once I realized she was sleeping with another man, and even though her relationship with the guy was up & down, I never wanted to touch her again. Even if she came begging.

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worldgonewrong

Oh......and the guy that meddled with my family for NINE months to get to my ex? He broke up with her one week later.....said he couldn't be in a relationship.

 

Ha!

Yeah, my ex-w's guy loved the thrill of screwing a married woman on the brink of divorce. Once the divorce actually happened? He became scarce. The thrill of it had gone out.

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I posted on here when my ex first left but haven't really been around much lately. I read back that first post I made last night and I cringed at how desperate and distraught I was

 

It is coming up to 10 weeks since he left and I guess it has been the last couple of weeks since I have stopped the whole 'fake it til you make it' thing. I don't need to fake it now as I am genuinely happy in my own skin, with my own company and feel thankful for the life I now have. Around the same time I came to realise that he could come back crawling over broken glass but the damage is done and there is absolutely no way we could be together again. I value myself too much now to settle for anything other than 100% commitment. Had he ever admitted to playing any part in the breakdown of our marriage then things would probably be different but he hasn't - he actually feels the wronged party in all of this mess and that is, quite frankly, BS

 

I am doing the whole NC thing, and it works. My intention with NC was never to get him to come home - it was a tool for me. I have done so many things in this past 10 weeks that I wouldn't have done before. I have made new friends and reconnected with old ones. I have bought a bike after not riding one for 30 years and am out there in all weathers. I have taught myself to use a sewing machine. I have read and read and read some more. I have arranged to go to Africa for 6 weeks volunteering. I am fundraising. I am finding 'me' again - not so he can see the person he fell in love with once, but because *I* like that me better.

 

 

 

... and that went slightly off tangent! :D

 

 

Whoa woweee....

 

I thought I had amnaged to move quick but AFRICA ?

 

You are way cool!

 

I knew about two seconds after the third time of "taking a break" or "just need some time" came out of STBXWW's mouth!

 

Yes it took three times but when it was over I just knew better than to keep trying and running her down anymore.

 

Final answer- TWO seconds into the third time.

 

I wish my happy azz had went to Africa after the FIRST time!:)

 

You are great.:)

 

REVITUP

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UnbreakMyHeart
Whoa woweee....

 

I thought I had amnaged to move quick but AFRICA ?

 

You are way cool!

 

I knew about two seconds after the third time of "taking a break" or "just need some time" came out of STBXWW's mouth!

 

Yes it took three times but when it was over I just knew better than to keep trying and running her down anymore.

 

Final answer- TWO seconds into the third time.

 

I wish my happy azz had went to Africa after the FIRST time!:)

 

You are great.:)

 

REVITUP

 

I figured there is no time like the present! :D

 

My (very lapsed) Catholic self can remember being a very little girl and would listen as those who worked for CAFOD would come and talk at church and I would a) always tell my mum I was going to be a nurse and b) that one day, I would go to Africa

 

I did the a) and figured it is about time to do the b) - Its not like my skills can't be used over there

 

In the space of a month I had a pretty terrible time. A really close friend died on 25th August. My son (only child) left for Uni on 15th September and the ex left on 25th Sept - That month and the weeks following were, without a doubt, THE lowest in my life - Add on to that a significant work promotion - I am Nurse Manager at a Major Trauma Centre here in the UK...

 

... and then one morning I just woke up and smelled the coffee - literally! I was making coffee and figured I could either sit about in my pyjamas all day wallowing in self pity, or I could drink my coffee, get showered, get dressed and get off my a*s and *DO* something - so I've done something. I had taken a week off work after just being physically and emotionally burned out, and that morning I threw on some training gear and went for my first run in years! (It made me realise I still hate running hence why I bought a bike instead! lol) Yeah, I have my moments - I was at a charity function the other night when a song came on that had me a bit tearful as it was one of 'our' songs - but it is about 3 weeks or so since I have *properly* broke down and cried, and the charity function (which was held for my friend who died) was filled with way more laughter than tears...

 

.... and that is exactly how life should be! Perhaps my outlook is in part down to my job - I see SO much crap day in, day out - families torn apart in the blink of an eye because of some horrendous trauma and yeah, sometimes I sort of even feel a bit guilty even that, after loving someone with all of my heart for 10 years, that I have emotionally moved on in what seems like a pretty short space of time. Life is just way too short though to spend a single second of it not living it like it was your last

Edited by UnbreakMyHeart
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Wow you got it and QUICK!

 

Most people just hang around and hope it all goes away while they fall apart themselves,not you.Bravo

 

You are right.I imagine the fact you see so much pain and ripping of heartstrings by no fault of their own in the eyes of family members and loved ones in the trauma unit causes you to have no place for a man who INTENTIONALLY causes pain that others would gladly pay to avoid!

 

That's how I think about those who intentionally make an already hard life worse by their own selfish behavior.How dare they do these things in the name of happiness for themselves.

 

I'm happy for you,Africa! Yes Africa! You need to take a lot of pictures and see as much of the Continent as possible while in that amazing place.

 

Congrats.:)

 

REVITUP

Edited by revitup
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When I looked back, think back, on my 9 year marriage, and how quickly I moved on from it, I too now realize it was emotioinally over long before I moved out. "They" say that the dumper is usually thinking about leaving, possibly even planning, long before they actually do.

 

I tried reconciliation for about a week, that's it. Yeah, a 9 year marriage, 4 years of dating prior, and I tried for one week. Seems sad now that I look back.

 

4 months later I was dating again. It was a rebound, I know that now, but, emotionally I had zero interest in my now ex.

 

So, for me, 14+ year relationship, over it in 4 months or less.

 

And I am such a different person, with new friends, new interests, new hobbies, new goals, etc. My life is soooo different now.

 

Now, my last LTR, and the break up, totally different story. And we only dated for 12 months.

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Our marriage had been in trouble for years. He was hooked on prescription meds and ignored me most of the time. We had no sex life, he was impotent due to the drug use. We had no relationship because he was incoherent most of the time due to his drug use. But I had made vows and was intent on keeping those vows. I just resigned myself that the worse had come sooner than expected and I just had to suck it up. Then he lost his job (resigned upon threat of termination) and instead of getting another job he spent his days and money that we did not have on marital affair websites. We went to our first MC session, where I found out that he had been taking testosterone and at least claimed to have overcome his impotence-something you think he would have told his wife. I had tried about a month before this to discuss his impotence but his response was how dare I bring that up. Anyway, within hours of our MC session, he was back on the computer begging strangers for sex. The next evening when I confronted him, he got mad and said how dare I bring that up. He began packing his clothes and his drugs and said he was going to his mothers. I took his house key and told him he would not get back into my house (it was my separate property).

 

After 13 years of marriage and all he had put me through with the drugs, then losing his job, his refusing to discuss his impotence, our financial situation or his cheating. I was done. He left on Friday night. I called my attorney Monday morning and told him to file and have never looked back.

 

I have been through all the sadness and depression but never once did I ever entertain the thought of putting myself back into that situation.

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Shocked Suzie

Nice post :)

 

For me I knew there was no return after a heart breaking 3 weeks of knowing that my ex had (although stating he was in love with me and confused) had in fact checked out from me... The final straw was him saying that he didn't want to try to rebuild our marriage and risk losing the OW. From that moment I had made up my mind that I was done...no more, if he had of tried to come back I wouldn't of had him back....I respect myself too much. For me it's been a year since I found out about his affair, new years eve was the day he 'actually' turned his back on his family, last Xmas and nye was the worst weeks of my life. Looking back on this past year he has been so selfish, detached and heartless....today I get an email to ask for my full address for our divorce, nice xmas gift! Had the worst year, lost my home...came out with no money, watch my kids still to this day show so many sad and frustrated emotions.

 

But....

 

I'm happy, I'm debt free, free from someone who I don't want in my life, who is not the person thought he was. I have love and full respect from my kids, family and friends, I appreciate the simple things in life and am finding and liking myself more and more each day... Life goes on, you will never forget (I still feel sadness) but I have hope and vision....one day soon I hope a new love...when the time is right, when I have full self love.

 

It does get better, I have found so many positives from such a huge negative.

 

...my ex is still with the OW, seems happy... Never tried to come back and

puts her in front of his own children....sad but just the way it is, just have to move on and find your own path.. in time it just happens

 

Xxx

Edited by Shocked Suzie
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