NEED HELP !!!!

[Cindy]

I have been hanging around with this guy for about 3 months, his daughter and my daughter are best friends.

 

recently he has expressed that he is interested in me,he wants to start dating me.

 

This scares me for many reasons, his wife has just passed away right before we started hanging out. that is the reason that i started to hang out at his place, his daughter is only 10 and I know what is like to lose a parent at a young age. i thought that i could help her through this hard time,she loves it when i am there to help her do things, when i cook for them and help them straighten things out, because of her mother passing away she is on medication for the stress, i was told last night that she has not been taking it, i told her that she had to in order for hher tummy to feel better, as much as she hated doing it i was able to get her to take it. her dad does not know how to do these things with his kids, around the house he knows next to nothing, he always brought in the money for the family and she looked after the house.

 

I do not know what to do, i am attacted to him however i feel that it would be very wrong of me to let anything happen, (his wife was also a friend of mine). not olny is he still feeling a large loss but he is now suddenly faced with being alone looking after 2 kids.

 

I do not know how to tell him this, i do not know how to talk to him serious. I live right across the street from him and we see each other everyday, his family lives out of town and the only family member that keeps in good contact lives way out of town.

 

Help me please figure a way to talk to him.I still want to be there to help, as his daughter loves it when i am there, she asked me if she could adopt me for a mommy, i told her sure. I do not want anyone to feel more pain that they are feeling, they are all feeling enough right now.

 

thank you

[Rachel]

You say you started hanging out with this guy about three months ago, basically right after his wife died.

 

It sounds like you are an incredibly strong, kind, and giving person.

 

You are right on target for being WAY worried about this situation.

 

This man has NOT had nearly enough time to grieve. Think about it, he just lost his wife, and he is coping with that loss.

 

He still needs to grieve. That will have many different stages. He may be wanting to block the pain by getting into the relationship. If he doesn't deal with the pain now, I think it will show up in negative situations in the relationship later.

 

I would learn about grieving if I were you. There are many wonderful books out there and I think you will benefit from it, as will he.

 

Be a friend, don't rush into things, let some time, i.e. six to eight months pass. Then see how he feels.

 

He may at that point realize that a romantic relationship will not be the best thing for him.

 

It seems that your instincts are tight on target here.

[Tony T]

The death of a wife and mother is probably the worst thing a family can go through.

 

You are right on every count. You have to understand this man is in deep grief, perhaps still some shock, and he's not thinking straight.

 

You have absolutely no alternative but to sit him down and tell him you are not interested in anything more than a very supportive friendship in this matter...for at least a year or two. Let him know you feel you can be of service in helping his daughter deal with her deep loss, easing the pain of that loss. Let him know you want to be there as a friend to him, but absolutely nothing more at this time.

 

Let him know he is NOT in the mind state right now to be considering relationships and you will not get involved in anything more than a friendship with him. He is in extreme pain now and highly vulnerable. He's lucky that you understand this.

 

You sound like a very kind hearted person who doesn't want to hurt anybody's feelings. But you also sound like a person who has been stepped on a lot in the past because you didn't assert your feelings and needs. You have to start pulling your own strings and not letting other people's problems and issues become your own.

 

You are NOT obligated to have any interaction with this man or his daughter. It is out of kindness and compassion that you care enough to want to help his daughter through this loss. That's great. But just do what you are able and do not take on this major burden as your own.

 

Clear the air as soon as possible. If he doesn't understand, you may have to repeat yourself. If he still presses you for a relationship, just back off completely. He'll then get the message. My guess is that if you are very firm with him, if you speak to him very clearly, he will understand you perfectly and know that you are looking out for his best interests.

 

I do not think it would be wise, under the best of conditions, to strike up a relationship with someone who lives right across the street. Unless both people are extremely immature and open about what's going on, there could be some very awkward moments associated with something like that.

[Ed]

Cindy,

 

It is tragic, to one degree or another, anytime a relationship ends. It really does not matter what the circumstance of the loss are, the end of a long term relationship is a heart wrenching event. You must know this, because you are a single parent. At some time in the past you have "lost" your relationship with the father of your daughter.

 

There are some very well defined emotions that rear their ugly heads during the recovery from a loss. Some of them are denial, anger, fear, grief, and loneliness just to name a few. The intensity and longevity of these feelings are directly proportional to the emotional attachment that existed with the person or thing that has been lost. The length of a relationship does not necessarily mean there was an emotionally close tie with that (now absent) person.

 

This is one reason why the timeline for recovery from a loss varies so widely from one person to another. Some people are capable and ready to carry on with their lives sooner than others. You just can't put a timetable to it and say that he is not ready or he will not be ready until...

 

Here are some questions for you to think about:

 

Was this death sudden or did they know it was coming? This can make a big difference in his recovery time or his readiness to enter into another relationship.

 

Have you spoken with him about his relationship with his deceased wife? Does he talk about her often? Has he sought any counseling to help him deal with this loss and his future?

 

The fact is all relationships are risky. There is no way of knowing for sure, ahead of time, how mentally healthy an individual is. You can take only so much care in the selection of a dating partner. To simply pass someone off because YOU don't think they have been single long enough to learn a few lessons is sort of presumptuous. What does matter and everyone needs to pay close attention to are the signals that a potential partner gives off by their language in conversation and their actions in general. This will tell you what you need to know.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Ed

[Cindy]

She was a friend of mine, I know things from him and also her. living next to each other for the past 3 years we got to know each other. i know that it is wrong for me to say that it is too soon for him because i do not feel what he is feeling. yes he does talk about her often, no he has not seeked help as of yet, the death, he knew but when it happened it was sudden, they went ot the hospital and she recovered he came home once he got home he recieved a call saying that she had passed away. that was the sudden part.

 

Cindy,

It is tragic, to one degree or another, anytime a relationship ends. It really does not matter what the circumstance of the loss are, the end of a long term relationship is a heart wrenching event. You must know this, because you are a single parent. At some time in the past you have "lost" your relationship with the father of your daughter.

 

There are some very well defined emotions that rear their ugly heads during the recovery from a loss. Some of them are denial, anger, fear, grief, and loneliness just to name a few. The intensity and longevity of these feelings are directly proportional to the emotional attachment that existed with the person or thing that has been lost. The length of a relationship does not necessarily mean there was an emotionally close tie with that (now absent) person. This is one reason why the timeline for recovery from a loss varies so widely from one person to another. Some people are capable and ready to carry on with their lives sooner than others. You just can't put a timetable to it and say that he is not ready or he will not be ready until...

 

Here are some questions for you to think about: Was this death sudden or did they know it was coming? This can make a big difference in his recovery time or his readiness to enter into another relationship. Have you spoken with him about his relationship with his deceased wife? Does he talk about her often? Has he sought any counseling to help him deal with this loss and his future? The fact is all relationships are risky. There is no way of knowing for sure, ahead of time, how mentally healthy an individual is. You can take only so much care in the selection of a dating partner. To simply pass someone off because YOU don't think they have been single long enough to learn a few lessons is sort of presumptuous. What does matter and everyone needs to pay close attention to are the signals that a potential partner gives off by their language in conversation and their actions in general. This will tell you what you need to know. Hope this helps, Ed