How to deal with pothead boyfriend?

[Conners]

A couple of months ago I had dumped my ooyfriend because he was heavily addicted to weed and refused to give it up or at least cut down for me and was neglecting me. You can find my original post here if you want any more background info

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/433966-should-i-reconcile-my-ex-just-move

 

I took him back about a month ago because the breakup hit us both hard and he stopped smoking weed all together and begged for another chance. He's become such a better person since hes been off it completely, more like the guy I fell in love with originally, doing better at work and more committed to the gym and me. I've constantly been worried in the back of my mind that he's going to fall back into because it's hard to just go cold turkey on an addiction.

 

He had been complaining that I don't seem to want to see him as much as I did before we broke up, which is true, i'm a little bit more distant because i'm worried about the relationship.. I've also tried to focus on other things in life like my friends, gym and work. Well he asked me to come over Thursday night because we hadn't seen eachother this week yet (I have to go to him atm till he gets his license back, sometimes he risks driving to see me but i dont like him doing that) When i got to his and hugged him i said straight away "have you had a bong" because i thought I could smell it. and hes like yeah I had one after work, you know how much work sucked today" and i was like yeah ok whatever. he's like "you said it was ok if i did it occasionally!!" and i said "why the fck did you invite me over if you are stoned, did you think that was going to go down well, besides that fact, you said you were off it for now." hes like im sorry I knew you wouldn't come see me if i told you and i really wanted to see you. i was like ehh lets just watch a movie forget it. and i wouldn't touch him or really talk to him and he started getting upset. He's like oii talk to me, don't be like this.

 

I just said "i've been having doubts since we are back together and this has just pushed me over the edge, I don't think we are gonna work out no matter how much we love eachother'' and he literally started balling his eyes out saying i'm sorry I thought you were ok with me having one occasionally I won't ever do it again just please don't leave me." Yes this could be him trying to emotionally manipulate me.. but i don't think it's the case. He's extremely good looking and can basically get any girl he wants so it's not like he doesn't love me. arhhhh I just don't know what to do with him. He knows im on the verge of ending things with him again but I'm sick of feeling naive and stupid.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry to hear about your situation. My honest opinion is that he isn't going to change. Why? Because he doesn't seem to be doing it for himself. He hasn't given it up completely, and it appears that his only motivation for cutting down was the fear of losing you. That's all fine and dandy but it isn't sustainable. He'll go back it to again and again, because he hasn't yet found a reason inside himself not to.

[Conners]

Sorry to hear about your situation. My honest opinion is that he isn't going to change. Why? Because he doesn't seem to be doing it for himself. He hasn't given it up completely, and it appears that his only motivation for cutting down was the fear of losing you. That's all fine and dandy but it isn't sustainable. He'll go back it to again and again, because he hasn't yet found a reason inside himself not to.

 

Thanks for your reply. I agree that to quit smoking weed, the person needs to do it for themselves and not because someone else wants them to. I have said this to him and he disagrees and tells me he wants to do it for himself and me. siiigh -_-

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

If you don't want a boyfriend who smokes pot, don't date someone who smokes pot.

 

No need to ride his ass about it all the time. Leave him be.

 

You are not respecting the decisions he's making. Yes, you are being disrespectful.

 

If you don't agree with someone's lifestyle, that's your issue.

Edited December 1, 2013 by AShogunNamedMarcus

[oldshirt]

If you don't want a boyfriend who smokes pot, don't date someone who smokes pot.

 

No need to ride his ass about it all the time. Leave him be.

 

You are not respecting the decisions he's making. Yes, you are being disrespectful.

 

If you don't agree with someone's lifestyle, that's your issue.

 

yep.

 

There are billions of men in the world that are not potheads.

 

You can't make him stop smoking pot if he wants to do it. You can't transform him into the person you want him to be.

 

Your abilities are limited to what you can do for yourself. Which means you can't change him but you can walk away and find someone else who isn't a pothead.

[NGC1300]

Why would you care if he smokes weed?

 

It's not like he's getting drunk or snorting oxycodone.

 

He had a rough day at work, and wanted to relax, smoke some weed, and see you.

 

Then you lay into him when he's already down.

 

Not cool.

[Mr Scorpio]

With all due respect, your BF isn't addicted to weed, because it isn't possible to get physiologically addicted to weed. It is simply a lifestyle choice for him. It is the equivalent of a person coming home and having a beer or a glass of wine at the end of a long day. Of course, those activities don't get frowned upon as much, but that is a different thread entirely.

 

Point being that it sounds as though his wanting to relax at the end of a long day with a toke bothers you immensely. If you've already been down this road before, no need to go down it again. It is probably best that you both go your separate ways.

[oldshirt]

She's not saying he is a bad person or a criminal for smoking pot. It is outside of her value system and she doesn't wanting him doing it. She wants a BF that isn't under the influence of pot.

 

She asked him not to do it and he tried to comply with her wishes for awhile and then decided, 'screw it, I'm having a good burn today.'

 

That disappointed her and made her lose a lot of respect for him.

 

The fact he had a bad day at work really doesn't matter because guess what? All of our lives are filled with bad days at work.

 

There are billions of people that have bad days at work and don't come home and light up. She needs to find one of them.

 

Noone is suggesting he needs to be draw-and-quartered for getting a good buzz on after work. she just wants someone that doesn't do that.

 

This guy is obviously not the one for her.

[NGC1300]

She's not saying he is a bad person or a criminal for smoking pot. It is outside of her value system and she doesn't wanting him doing it. She wants a BF that isn't under the influence of pot.

 

And yet she'll probably give occasional beer and wine a pass.

 

People are senseless.

[oldshirt]

And yet she'll probably give occasional beer and wine a pass.

 

People are senseless.

 

 

Doesn't matter.

 

We all like what we like and don't like what we don't like. she doesn't like him smoking pot.

 

she's not required to make sense.

 

I could never date a woman that picks toe-jam or belly button lint and eats it. It doesn't matter if other people think it's ok or if they disagree with me not tolerating it.

[soccerrprp]

Conners,

 

You could let him know that you expectation is that he completely stop smoking it.

 

I took him back about a month ago because the breakup hit us both hard and he stopped smoking weed all together and begged for another chance. He's become such a better person since hes been off it completely, more like the guy I fell in love with originally, doing better at work and more committed to the gym and me. I've constantly been worried in the back of my mind that he's going to fall back into because it's hard to just go cold turkey on an addiction.

 

You don't like how he behaves when he is under the influence. That is fair. Where are you? Is it illegal where you are? If so, he's involved in criminal behavior. No question that pot psychologically affects an individual and often not for the better. Give him an ultimatum and see where it goes. You should not tolerate this.

[ken_25]

I find this kind of ridiculous.. you should just break up with him. You clearly don't want to be with someone who likes to smoke marijuana. You will fall in love with someone who doesn't, there's plenty of people out there.

[elbe]

Weed isn't an addiction as much as it is a habit. The most likely way he will return to it is when he hangs out with pothead friends. This guy could be genuinely trying.

 

The problem seems to be that you are already over him.

[ken_25]

Conners,

 

You could let him know that you expectation is that he completely stop smoking it.

 

 

 

You don't like how he behaves when he is under the influence. That is fair. Where are you? Is it illegal where you are? If so, he's involved in criminal behavior. No question that pot psychologically affects an individual and often not for the better. Give him an ultimatum and see where it goes. You should not tolerate this.

 

It's not real criminal behavior, dear lord. It's just marijuana, it's better for you than alcohol and cheeseburgers. I guess if you roll through a stop sign you are participating in criminal behavior.. haha

 

Where are your statistics to prove it psychologically affects people for the worse? They don't exist. If you're lazy and a loser, pot will not help you. If you are a smart, hard working individual, pot will not just automatically make you a dumb and lazy person. I personally know professional athletes that smoke pot, scientists, artists, a recruiter for one of the biggest schools in the entire country.. smart, hard working people, with masters degrees and blah blah blah, it's just pot. Educate yourself.

[MidwestUSA]

He's extremely good looking and can basically get any girl he wants so it's not like he doesn't love me.

 

 

I'm more concerned with this statement from you than his pot smoking. Why do you believe this? Is it reason you keep giving him second chances?

 

 

This says more about you than him, so give it some thought.

[Ninjainpajamas]

It's funny how some women are afraid to leave a guy because they're too insecure with themselves and worry he'd just find someone else thus making her feel invaluable and in envy or jealousy of the other woman...especially if she was prettier and overall "better".

 

Got to love women and that fragile self-esteem!

 

Leave the guy alone, stop playing mommy or trying to change a guy...it doesn't work for men or women who do this, it's a personal choice and no it wouldn't be for you even if you pressured and "supported" him through it, he'd never be satisfied with himself if he did it just for you.

 

If you don't like what he's doing with himself...whether legal or not, it really doesn't matter you find it to be a huge incompatibility that just means you'll never resolve and it will always be a problem and guess what? after he stopped doing this there would just be another problem to take it place, the fun would never end! Because this is just the focus on the relationship right now.

 

But you're likely not to listen like most women, instead you'll try try try try try until you can't try no more and you'll act like he's taken so much out of you and it's drained you so much even though you've known what you were dealing with and you know the toll it will take for being with him...because guess what! it caused you to break up already once.

 

If you're going to be serious and expect to be taken serious as well...then do what you say you're going to do, don't throw around threats that you'll leave and if he doesn't change you'll do that...please, don't be one of those girls there's already too many and it doesn't work in the end anyway and all you do is use to make yourself feel bad anyway like it's some personal reflection on you...it's not your problem, stop trying to own it, it's his...either get over it or move on, nobody is holding a gun to your head you have the right to choose what you want so stop trying to change a or fix a guy to make him "perfect"...it doesn't work, but you go ahead and go through that emotional roller-coaster and waste of time trying only to have it come to the same conclusion in the end...because it if isn't this it'll just be something else anyway because you need the same values, you need to communicate and compromise...you don't hit your head against a wall until it breaks, you pull your big girl pants up and move on...that's what adults do when they're making decisions, well at least a few of them do that....somewhere....in the universe possibly....well not really they do what you do, wait till it burns till it can't burn anymore and destroys the relationship entirely.....then they move on saying "at least I tried"...bravo, bravo.

[mrnova66]

Do not worry OP. If it does not work out there are plenty of more potheads out there. But I would not wait to long. the reason is these types of men do not stay single for to long. There are plenty of women that love these lazy dead beats, but meanwhile back at the ranch these same women would not give a good guy a chance. But I am sure 6 months down the road you will find another pothead. So do not worry to much

[Keenly]

The thing that kind of irks me is apparently he quit. Or he cut way way back, but you still remained distant. He played his part. Did you play yours?

 

Its not fair to ask some one to change themselves just for you.

[Keenly]

Do not worry OP. If it does not work out there are plenty of more potheads out there. But I would not wait to long. the reason is these types of men do not stay single for to long. There are plenty of women that love these lazy dead beats, but meanwhile back at the ranch these same women would not give a good guy a chance. But I am sure 6 months down the road you will find another pothead. So do not worry to much

 

Just because some one smokes pot doesn't make them a lazy dead beat. Also, there is no one lining up to date us.

 

Biased opinion a little ?

 

Some people like alcohol. Some people like cigarettes. Some people like pot. Its really that simple. Every one can go overboard, but thats on the person. Not the substance.

[mrnova66]

^^^^^Well if a woman does not want to date a pothead. Then be truthful about it. Do not whine because she has a man that smokes pot, Then claim she wants a good guy. It is either one or the other. If you want to date someone that smoke weed. Then say so from the get go. Quit playing games with someone else. That goes for all the women that claim they want a good guy, But all they date are scumbags(drunks,drug addicts,jailbirds,bums). Then complain there are no good guys after MR Drama king done had his fun and left her for the next woman in line waiting for him

[StanMusial]

It sounds like you're both just half-assing it at this point. If the only reason you're letting him slide is that he's "extremely goodlooking", maybe you need to dig a little deeper and figure out what you really want out of a relationship.

 

I dated a girl for a short while who fired up every single day. She was 27 years old and still lived the college lifestyle. She was a hottie but that didn't stop me from breaking up with her after I figured her out. I'm no saint, I have nothing against pot and it would be great to get high and forget life's troubles but there are also issues of self control and responsibilities to consider.

 

I never tried to get her to stop or change her lifestyle. I just moved on.

[crederer]

I used to smoke a lot of pot. Not any more, but I can say that since I've quit, some tendencies I have are probably worse than when I was on it.

 

So I have to ask you, is it the fact that it's illegal that you don't like it or that you don't like how he acts while on it?

 

Cause those are two very different things, IMO.

[lucy_in_disguise]

Only you can decide what your dealbreakers are. For some, cigarettes are an absolute dealbreakers, others won't date a drinker, and you certainly don't need to settle for someone who smokes pot if you don't want to.

 

That being said, I think it's important to be honest with yourself about what you can and cannot accept, and choose partners appropriately. Are you ok with occasional, but not daily pot use? If so, and your bf is willing to meet you halfway, it's not fair to continue to give him siht when he wants to light up. Where is that line for you?

 

In general, it's easier to find someone who meets your requirements than trying to change someone who doesn't.

[charlietheginger]

I dated a woman that was a stoner all she wanted to do was watch tv eat and talk...

plus she was so " chill " that she never liked to pick up after herself and was a slob. plus she never had money to pay all her bills but always had money for $75 a week in pot

$300 a month $4000 a yr up in smoke....

 

now if she had her pills paid never complained about money i woulda been

ok with it

 

i can see the OPs view from her standpoint

[Conners]

WOW!

Haven't logged on in a couple of days. & alot of negative replies directed at me haha.

 

"If you don't like weed, why would you date someone who smokes weed"

Well I never had a problem with people who smoked weed before him, he hardly ever did it when we started dating and over time he was having up to 7 bongs a night and spending all his money on it, became lazy and treating me different so yeah it BECAME a problem for me. At this point I was in love with him and I did break up with him because of it. He's the one who begged for a second chance and said he'd quit for me so I agreed.

 

I am not with him simply because he is good looking. He's one of the sweetest and funniest guys I know and we are both as weird and gross as eachother, we just click. I am not shallow and defintley don't fall in love based on looks alone. Just him smoking the amount of weed he was, was a deal breaker for me unfortunately and he agreed to stop for now.

 

Everyone is also is saying that I am making him change for me. Not true - When I left him I said it wasn't fair for me to make him change or ask him to. He's the one who wanted me back and claimed to be doing it for himself.

 

Someone said "I throw around threats to leave if he continues smoking" also not true, I did eave and took him back after him begging me.

 

I wasn't riding his ass for him having a bong after a hard day, normal people shouldn't have to rely on weed to deal with stresses in their life.

 

I know that you can't technically be "addicted" to marijuana but he was addicted to the high so in a way he was addicted.

 

Also someone said I have low self esteem because I haven't left him - far from it. Unfortunately when you're in love, it's hard to leave them and you want to believe that they are the right one for you. This might sound completely arrogant but I know I can easily find someone else, there are plenty of fish in the sea but I love this guy & want to make it work with him.

 

Anyway I came on here for advice, had alot of points to address so sorry if it was confusing, I appreciate the people who see my side. For those who told me off for "complaining" wow i'm pretty sure 80% of this forum is people complaining.

 

Cheers.