Should I just accept my mother's unreasonable behaviour?

[Absinthe]

My mother is in her mid-fifties and has acted like a spoiled, manipulative child whenever things don't go her way for as long as I can remember. I am quite easy-going (compared to my parents - it's not an adjective used by my friends!) so up until my leaving home, going through university and getting a job, I just tolerated my mother's behaviour. However gaining my independence has also resulted in my becoming more assertive.

 

Now, I come home maybe three times a year on average - I'm an expat, and have just taken a job even further away which means I will likely come home once a year. You'd think that this might make the arguments less, but in fact it has worsened them. It's almost as if my mother's behavior is magnified tenfold by being out in the wider world where I don't have to deal with anything like it. And being away from my family it feels as if my position has shifted to being on the "outside looking in".

 

I am home for a fortnight before flying out for a new job. I fell out with my mother four or so days ago - we had a small spat about something she wanted to write on Facebook that I didn't want her writing. My mother doesn't like being told she's wrong, which lead to me struggling to control my temper, which lead to the argument quickly escalating, and now she hasn't spoken to me since.

 

In the four days she's not spoken to me I've also had to endure her:

1. ignoring me when we go out for family meals, and deliberately interrupting me when I try to talk to any one else, so I am forced to sit there in silence;
   
2. making a point of making a cup of tea for everyone else in the room, and then ignoring me;
   
3. refusing to do my laundry - then, realising that this no longer presents an obstacle block as I am 26 and not 13, hiding the washing tablets and the iron.
   
4. buying me a gift pre-argument then taking money out of my purse to "pay her back" for it.
   

 

My gran told me to apologise to my mother or "I'll regret it", but I know from experience that mother doesn't accept apologies. Only gifts or some level of undignified grovelling. My family (dad, grandparents) KNOW all about this behaviour and instead of calling her out on it, they tiptoe around her and acquiesce to her every whim. My dad has bought her a new BMW and various holidays in the past in order to make her talk to him. It used to be a part of my everyday life and I, too, would find myself doing things for my mum just to keep the peace. But now it's infuriating me, and instead of apologising, I am just ignoring her right back. I'm tired of the games, but even more, I am tired of cow-towing to my mother. There's a loooong list of things she did in my childhood that I normalised back then but that infuriate me now. It's like 26 years of repressed rage, surfacing by being away from it and then witnessing it in a new light.

 

I also don't know how to avoid this behaviour. Families fight - that's normal. I fight with my dad about trivial things but we go straight back to talking to one another within an hour, and I feel comfortable apologising to my dad because he doesn't go off on a week-plus-long tirade of emotional and manipulative abuse. My mum and I are very alike in terms of our mannerisms and stubbornness, and to boot she's made it known that she is jealous of my success, so fighting is always going to be inevitable.

 

I'd like to see some opinions on this from you guys! Should I try and stand up to my mum, or should I (try and) apologise to keep the peace? Old dogs, new tricks, and all that. I'm just struggling so much not to be angry at her now, I feel like a teenager!

[darkmoon]

phase her out a little, she is jealous of you, unlike say, Jean Harlow whose mother was deemed to old to act but loved hanging out with her famous daughter

 

they were called Mommy Jean and Baby Jean to differentiate

 

such a story is the opposite of what we get, makes you think why we hang on hoping for a parent's love, just hoping and hoping, we get a raw deal, weeps

Edited December 1, 2013 by darkmoon

[d0nnivain]

My mother wasn't as bad as yours but she was bad. I finally had it out with her saying, I'm an adult & you can't treat me like this. Until you can be civil, I'm done. She told me I was "dead to her" if I left. I left anyway & we spent over a year apart. I missed one complete cycle of holidays & then my father got involved. He "made" my mother apologize to me & he "made" me come home for a visit because he missed me. (Made is in quotes because you don't really make adults do things).

 

Anyway it worked. My saw & treated me as an independent adult after that.

 

You could also try talking to her about her behavior but I don't see that being effective yet.

 

You are right to move far away & limit contact.

[Going4it]

Your mother and my mother could be twins. For one, you can forget that she is ever going to change. Most likely she has a narcissistic personality disorder. My father and brother cow tow to my mother in the exact same manner. It's absurd but that's how they try to soothe things over. I, on the other hand, argue with her, but like you said it gets nowhere. I keep my distance as well. She's just too much to be around for very often.

 

I wish I could tell you something that would make things easier for you. But if she is like my mother, I really think it is a psychological illness, one that is very hard to change, especially if she thinks she's wonderful just the way she is. I have grown up to be the exact opposite of my mother to which I am very grateful. I understand your anger on looking back on your childhood. I have been through the same thing. It's not fair and it sucks that you got such a self-absorbed, immature mother. But really, there is nothing you can do about. She will never realize she has such a colossal problem. You have to decide whether you can tolerate her the way she is or not. Though I don't see my mother often, when I do see her, I tolerate her even though she infuriates me, because I really believe she cannot help herself or has no idea of the magnitude of her issues. I'm not saying you have to do the same. Just that you have to decide whether to keep distancing yourself or whether you want her in your life despite everything she does. I can't tell you which one is best for you. Also, it may help to talk with a counselor about the anger she causes you. It helped me to be able to freely vent about my crappy childhood. It didn't change the past but it helped to put it behind me. Good luck to you!

Edited December 1, 2013 by Going4it

[Absinthe]

You could also try talking to her about her behavior but I don't see that being effective yet.

 

You are right to move far away & limit contact.

 

Thanks, I don't think I will ever be able to have an honest heart-to-heart with her about this, unfortunately. My dad has tried and it just results in these two-week long strops. Now he just bites his tongue, and vents to me instead. I used to believe he would be better off with a nice, equal partnership with somebody new, but now I think he believes that he cannot have anything better. My personality is very much like my dad's and I can relate to that. I had a relationship with a man who displayed behaviour eerily like my mother's and once I'd finally extracted myself, I needed counselling to move forward.

 

And Going4it, I related to pretty much everything you said - it does sound like our mothers are twins!

[pink_sugar]

I can totally relate to your situation. I too became more assertive when I moved out from home and I also had to overcome a lot of emotional abuse and see that it wasn't me that had the issue. I think the best thing you can do at this point is to just keep your distance and contact limited. If issues do occur, I would just let them wash off of your back and ignore them. I definitely do not think you should have to get on your knees to apologize to your mother....too demeaning. Just know she is the one with the issue and move on. Don't even involve yourself with this manipulation.

[turnera]

Should I try and stand up to my mum, or should I (try and) apologise to keep the peace?

You should do what you always do with children: ignore them until they use good manners, and then reward the good manners with positive reinforcement.

[Elliotte]

Sounds a lot like my mom, I spent a lot of my life having the same bull**** arguments with her over and over until finally last year I had the last straw. I ended up telling her to leave me alone and every time she would try to get in contact with me, I told her to respect my boundaries and if she didn't I would ignore her calls, emails, texts, etc for longer and longer amounts of time. For awhile she was so obsessive in forcing herself back into my life that I was on the verge of getting a restraining order. I also got a lot of backlash from my dad and sister, who said I was "abandoning the family". But once things settled down where she was leaving me alone, I really REALLY enjoyed having her drama out of my life. I realized I had to get some time away from her in order to forgive her for all the horrible things she had done, not to forgive for her sake, but my own. I realized for many years (or decades) I had been letting my anger for her always bubble just below the surface and it was a hindrance to my life.

 

We are slowly becoming friendly again, but things certainly won't go back to the horrible place they were before. While she cannot completely rid herself of her negative tendencies, she at least has gotten the message that she must respect my boundaries and not treat me like a child anymore.

 

I wish you luck with that and your situation. It will be tough, your mom and likely many other members of your family (like your grandma) will try to pull your right back into the drama over and over, you just need to stand strong and show them they cannot do that to you anymore, by showing them what life is like without you. The time away from it really allows you to focus on personal growth that everyone needs.

[Gagirl]

My mom is nuts!! She is abusive and plays games all the time. I've barely spoken to her in years and changed my phone number and email address so she can't contact me directly anymore. She has to go through my husband and have him relay messages to me or send email to my work account. Boy, did this put the brakes on her abuse!! I literally can't stand that woman and hope to never see her again. She's the one that got knocked up and had to quit school but she has blamed me my whole life. She used to hit me in the face and turned her family against me because I wouldn't have a Christmas wedding like she wanted. I can't leave my kids with her or she will take them out of town and won't return until 11:00pm. She even cut off all of my daughter's hair one time and is cruel to three of my kids because they weren't only children. She is just a crazy witch and since I kicked her to curb, my life has been so much better. I am simply not going to deal with her crazy drama anymore.

[Absinthe]

It's somewhat reassuring to read that I am not alone in this situation. For too long I have felt like "the terrible daughter" because I allow my mother to do my laundry and cook meals for me whenever I visit my parents. But now I see that she does these things purely for ammunition, so that if I try and call her out on her bullpoo, she can retort with the "martyr housewife" act.

 

She is still not speaking to me and I've not shown any sign of letting it get to me, I brazenly sat in the living room to eat my lunch whilst she was watching TV there and it was rather apparent this annoyed her, because she made a show of taking my coats and scarves out of the downstairs wardrobe and flinging them in my room. Mentality of a five year old springs to mind.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

It's somewhat reassuring to read that I am not alone in this situation. For too long I have felt like "the terrible daughter" because I allow my mother to do my laundry and cook meals for me whenever I visit my parents. But now I see that she does these things purely for ammunition, so that if I try and call her out on her bullpoo, she can retort with the "martyr housewife" act.

 

She is still not speaking to me and I've not shown any sign of letting it get to me, I brazenly sat in the living room to eat my lunch whilst she was watching TV there and it was rather apparent this annoyed her, because she made a show of taking my coats and scarves out of the downstairs wardrobe and flinging them in my room. Mentality of a five year old springs to mind.

 

With people who are constantly disrespectful, going NC is an effective way of showing them that you won't tolerate their behavior.

 

She wants attention and you aren't giving it to her (bravo!). This passive-aggressive siht is her letting you know she can hold things over your head. She's trying to tell you that she won't tolerate you standing up for yourself.

 

The best thing for you is to stay strong. It's OK to help her learn hard truths, like if she treats people wrong there are consequences. You just need to switch the consequences of her actions from being a source of your pain, to something that bites her in the butt. You should not be the one to suffer because of her problems.

 

How much longer do you have to be around her? Do you have any other options when it comes to where you are staying?

[turnera]

It's somewhat reassuring to read that I am not alone in this situation. For too long I have felt like "the terrible daughter" because I allow my mother to do my laundry and cook meals for me whenever I visit my parents. But now I see that she does these things purely for ammunition, so that if I try and call her out on her bullpoo, she can retort with the "martyr housewife" act.

 

She is still not speaking to me and I've not shown any sign of letting it get to me, I brazenly sat in the living room to eat my lunch whilst she was watching TV there and it was rather apparent this annoyed her, because she made a show of taking my coats and scarves out of the downstairs wardrobe and flinging them in my room. Mentality of a five year old springs to mind.

Well, the obvious thing here is to stop 'letting' her do those things for you.

 

I often tell my DD23 AND her friends (who have the same problem all young adults do) that it is up to THEM to start acting like an adult, an equal - that the parent isn't just going to hand it to them. Just today I started to call and make an appointment for DD23, and stopped myself and just texted her the phone number. But many parents won't stop. You, as the child, have to take this step.

[Absinthe]

Well, the obvious thing here is to stop 'letting' her do those things for you.

 

I often tell my DD23 AND her friends (who have the same problem all young adults do) that it is up to THEM to start acting like an adult, an equal - that the parent isn't just going to hand it to them. Just today I started to call and make an appointment for DD23, and stopped myself and just texted her the phone number. But many parents won't stop. You, as the child, have to take this step.

 

Oh, of course. I will say that when my mum is acting nice she is REALLY nice - and I've fallen into the trap a few times. When she does a favour she goes above and over for you, and I am grateful for that, of course I am. Unfortunately she seems to feel that if I lose my temper, or get upset, or do something unsavoury that happens in the course of most human relationships, I am the worst, most selfish child there is and she throws back every minor favour she's ever done for me, in an attempt to make me feel terrible.

 

She has also, in the past, tried to make it so I have no choice but to lean on her for a favour. It's very stressful trying to subtly wangle out of such situations without causing great offence. When I was a teenager, growing up in the countryside, if she'd refuse to give me a lift, I'd take my bike and have to endure silent treatment for "defying her". You really cannot win.

[turnera]

IDK, I've never 'lost my temper, or got upset, or done something unsavoury' with people - at least not in front of them, so I guess I have a hard time understanding why that is a necessary part of your interactions with her.

[Meadowgreen]

I might as well have been reading about my own mother when I read about yours OP, so I can 100% relate to your situation. Here's a summary of **** that woman pulled all through my childhood and teen/young adult years before I finally kicked her crazy ass to the kerb:

 

• She was an alcoholic and frequently flew into rages out of nowhere
   
  
• She continuously tortured me emotionally and mentally for wanting to see my father (they split up when I was 3)
   
  
• She would try to make me 'spy' on my father then get mad when I didn't divulge information to her
   
  
• She lurked around chatrooms pretending to be me, chatting to lads between the ages of 13-19. When these lads showed signs of getting bored of 'just chatting' she would make me go on dates with them to keep them interested (I was 12 when this started).
   
  
• If I didn't reciprocate the affections of these boys, she would call me an 'ungrateful little bitch' and give me silent treatment/more emotional abuse
   
  
• I always looked older for my age, and by 14 I was getting a lot of attention from males and wanted to start dating people I had chosen. She put a stop to that. It didn't fit in with her plans.
   
  
• She would beat me for being cheeky
   
  
• She would threaten me with violence if I let slip to anyone about her drinking/internet obsession
   
  
• She actually MARRIED a dude who thought he was chatting to me online and had....done stuff with my photo for inspiration.
   
  
• She wrote me out of the will for getting in contact with my Dad
   
  
• She called my half sister a 'half breed' because she's quarter latino
   
  
• She turned my family against me and convinced them I was a drug addict
   
  
• She kicked me out of the house at 17 (after beating me) and called
  EVERYONE I knew and told them to turn me away if I came for a place to stay for the night.
   
  
• She regularly told me she hated me and she should've got an abortion 'like my dad told her to' (he fiercely denies this)
   
  
• She trolled my website during times I wasn't talking to her and wrote really personal, insulting things to embarrass me.
   
  
• She admitted she was jealous of my success and life experience (I am a professional writer, a career path she was always against.)
  

 

...there's more stuff I could get into but what's the point? She's a nightmare as evidenced above, and your mother sounds even PETTIER than mine which just beggars belief.

 

Like previous posters have stated OP, this woman is never going to change. If anything, she'll just get worse with age. This was the epiphany I had when I moved back from Canada 7 years ago and Karen (I can't call her Mum anymore, she doesn't deserve such) was unrepentant in how much she was drinking. After a particularly vicious argument, I stood up, calmly walked out of the house, called a cab and blocked her number from my phone. I haven't spoken to her since and have no desire to. She should be in prison for what she did to me, but her punishment is knowing that she'll never see me or any granddkids me and Mr Meadow may have ever again. I hear she's got cancer of the stomach now (she's such a compulsive liar that I don't buy her story completely) and you might think me cold, but the thought of her possibly dying soon made me sad for all of 5 minutes.

 

Apologies that this comment is a bit off-topic, but I guess I just wanted you to know OP that you're not the only one inflicted with an insane, selfish, self-desctructive mess for a mother and it is NOT your fault. You seem like a wonderful person and she doesn't deserve you. I know it's hard, but NC might be the best and only option for you. It has been for me.

Edited December 8, 2013 by Meadowgreen