Popsicle Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I read all these threads here and I think about my MM and I'm starting to wonder. My MM has a wife, who I don't know, but I think he finds her physically attractive (she looks attractive to me) and from my Facebook stalking of her, it seems as if she's a nice woman who is into him. They have 3 kids together, two of which are under 10 yo and I could tell that she likes being married to him. I could tell that she would be absolutely CRUSHED if she ever found out how he was behaving with me, and not only because he's been deceiving her, but because I think she really likes him and wouldn't want to lose him. They've been married over 10 years, and she talks about him all the time on FB, posts pictures and stuff, whereas, he barely acknowledges her existence there or anywhere. I don't see how he can't be in love with this woman. I've mentioned before that he never speaks about her to me. I guess I wonder what it is he gets from me when it seems like his wife is there for him? Is it just variety? Is he just bored with her? I also can tell that I am his first and only affair. I have started to pull back some and now he's beginning to chase after me. I find this weird, it's all so weird. What does he get from me that he's not getting at home? What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Milad Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Unfortunately I've never heard of any of such relationships to end up with the guy getting a divorce from his wife and marry the girl he is having an affair with. The kind of life you described that he is currently having, sounds so secure. Are you in love with him? do you think he is loving you back? Dont expect nothing from the guy. Find someone who will truly love you and you will be his only love. not a secondary one who has to be always hidden. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Constantly mentioning your Significant Other on facebook does not necessarily mean that you share a strong bond or a spiritual connection. People get used to their partners and may even love them in this tender way, but something more profound could be lacking and IS lacking in your MM's case. Some people here may say he just likes the variety of something new, but I don't think so. There always has to be something lacking for MM to take a somewhat deep interest in someone else - I'm not talking a one night stand or a one-off. Not knowing him or her, I don't know exactly what it is. They're just not on the same spiritual level, not much cumplicity there I think. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 The answer to that will vary by each relationship. It will not be the same for every MM. It could be love (I personally believe that you CAN love more than one person at a time, though I'm not in to being with more than one at a time), it could be cake eating, it could be excitement, it could be sex, it could be a different kind of companionship, it could be so many things. (Not saying this is your MM and his BS, but...) I have found that MANY people put things on facebook that they WANT the world to see. It doesn't necessarily mean that's how it is. Some people are all about appearances and keeping it up for various reasons. For example, my exH and I went out one last time before we divorced. He had the waitress take a pic of us. We looked happy. I *was* happy because I was finally getting out of a horrible marriage. He was happy because I'd agreed to go out one more time to talk things out and clear the air before filing. He posted the pic on facebook and we looked truly happy. We were, but for different reasons and it didn't mean we were a happy couple together or anything like that. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
C00kie Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I agree with bentleychic. Sometimes people will post something because they want the world to see. They feel validated. And the higher the number of "likes" that you get, the more reassured you feel about your relationship (well, not for me but for a LOT of people it works this way). Could be about proving something. Which sometimes is a sign that things may not be so great behind closed doors, after all. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted December 1, 2013 Author Share Posted December 1, 2013 You guys are so wise and so helpful here. One time his wife's friend on FB joked that MM gives her romantic massages to get her in the mood and wife said "ya right, he stays up late at night watching TV or reading about his hobby". That sounded to me that they don't go to bed together much, don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 What do you think? I think you should stop stalking his wife on FB. How is that healthy for you? Doesn't it put you in pain? Stop worrying about his wife and kids and their home life and just think about the time YOU spend with him. Get out of the house and do things with friends, family and other dates when you are not with MM. It is not your business what goes on in their marital home and finding out info about it is going to keep you wondering and miserable. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
AlwaysGrowing Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 You guys are so wise and so helpful here. One time his wife's friend on FB joked that MM gives her romantic massages to get her in the mood and wife said "ya right, he stays up late at night watching TV or reading about his hobby". That sounded to me that they don't go to bed together much, don't you think? Or maybe...it was just harmless banter. The problem with affairs...is the minutia gets dissected into scintillas that then get inflated into defcon 1 status. Maybe stop reading her FB....it feels stalker-ish. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Morgoth Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 He probably loves the relationship you have with him because: - You give hime something his wife won't or can't give. - You give him something that resonates within him, why else would he/we take the risk. I would bet big money its not only about sex, we can buy that anywhere. - You are an outlet that he trusts and where he can open up with you, if he does. - He may be lacking connection, intimacy, love, a freindly smiling woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SarahJames Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I often find myself wondering similar things - why does he do the things he does when his marriage seems great? Not only does it SEEM great, but he, himself, says that he loves his wife and doesnt want to leave her. So, why does he have a OW on the side? You know how when you're little and you get a new toy? You can't wait to get home from school so you could play with that new toy for hours. In fact, you get excited about coming home so you could just play with that toy for about a month. There is nothing else you look forward to until....one day, your mom tells you that you will be going to ballet class every wednesday. You absolutely love ballet. You're good at it, and every wednesday, right after school, you stop to get icecream before ballet class which only makes your wednesday even better! Wednesday becomes something you look forward to. This doesnt mean that you no longer look forward to going home and playing with that new toy everyday, it means that on wednesday you get to have icecream, go to ballet, AND play with that toy. I think marriage is the same. You get married to someone you love, get to come home to them everyday and really look forward to it. Until one day, its not as exciting. You still love the toy, but it isnt something you look forward to as much. Wednesday is the other woman. You look forward to seeing her. She makes things exciting again. She allows you to escape from the daily routine. Shes a once a week kind of thing, whereas that toy always stays at home and you always have access to it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted December 1, 2013 Author Share Posted December 1, 2013 I think you should stop stalking his wife on FB. How is that healthy for you? Doesn't it put you in pain? Stop worrying about his wife and kids and their home life and just think about the time YOU spend with him. Get out of the house and do things with friends, family and other dates when you are not with MM. It is not your business what goes on in their marital home and finding out info about it is going to keep you wondering and miserable. I do it because I want to know the truth. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Popsicle, the FB stalking and the worrying/wondering will not help you get closer to the truth. Instead, they will keep you worrying, poring over tiny scraps of partial and biased data, and twisting the scant data into something that decreases your pain and anxiety, regardless of objective facts. I know because I have seen it 1000 times.... To find real truth, spend less time with proven liars/cheaters and more time with honest people who aren't shafting others. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 He gets an escape from reality. He gets sex with no worries about bills or kid or household needs. He gets to feel young again, because as said, he gets sex with no real worries, like young people w no mortgages and kids have. If the OW knew how much she was actually saving his marriage, rather than drawing him to her, she would stop what she's doing right now. Whatever is missing or wrong w his marriage, he gets to escape from that w the OW. So theres no need to leave the marriage, as he can escape from it w the OW and she makes his reality more bearable. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 What does he get from me that he doesn't get from home? This question presumes that he isn't getting something from home. It isn't necessarily true that there is anything lacking in his preimary relationship and watching their FB won't necessarily give you "the truth". Like you stated, maybe it's the variety, or just something more, or maybe he's lacking in something. It seems like you are looking for some sort of validation. Don't, as whatever you come up with, for his reasons, will most likely be incorrect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Popsicle, please remember when reading responses (not just on this thread, but any where on LS or any message board, really) that just because someone makes a generalized statement about all A's, all MM, all OW, it doesn't necessarily make it true about YOUR MM/A, etc. I've seen a lot of statements lately that I've wanted to call people on and disagree, but there's really no point. I used to take a lot of things as a personal affront and then I realized some people are just in a black and white bubble and like to generalize everything in this neat little package wrapped with a pretty pink bow that makes themselves feel better. It doesn't make it fact, though. It's just opinion (and sometimes experience, but still not fact for ALL A's.) 9 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I think sometimes the A's continue because they make you feel wanted and needed. Whether than continues long term that is another matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Popsicle, please remember when reading responses (not just on this thread, but any where on LS or any message board, really) that just because someone makes a generalized statement about all A's, all MM, all OW, it doesn't necessarily make it true about YOUR MM/A, etc. I agree with the above statement. To be fair, the OP's title of this thread asks a very generic question and that may account for generalized statements. She specifies that her MM seems to have a beautiful wife, marriage, etc. and appears to put weight on the FB posts of his wife, and lack thereof by MM. The reasons MM is in R with Popsicle are particular to the two of them and that is why I say looking to FB for the "truth" won't necessarily give her the truth of the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I agree with the above statement. To be fair, the OP's title of this thread asks a very generic question and that may account for generalized statements. She specifies that her MM seems to have a beautiful wife, marriage, etc. and appears to put weight on the FB posts of his wife, and lack thereof by MM. The reasons MM is in R with Popsicle are particular to the two of them and that is why I say looking to FB for the "truth" won't necessarily give her the truth of the matter. Oh I know and I agree with you. It's more the generalize statements of "MM's will never...", "MM loves his wife and not you.", "MM is only cake eating." and on and on and on. Of course it's true in some cases, but not every case and making generalized statements about all MM/MW and how they're going to act/why they're here, etc., etc. is just not true or fair. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I read all these threads here and I think about my MM and I'm starting to wonder. My MM has a wife, who I don't know, but I think he finds her physically attractive (she looks attractive to me) and from my Facebook stalking of her, it seems as if she's a nice woman who is into him. They have 3 kids together, two of which are under 10 yo and I could tell that she likes being married to him. I could tell that she would be absolutely CRUSHED if she ever found out how he was behaving with me, and not only because he's been deceiving her, but because I think she really likes him and wouldn't want to lose him. They've been married over 10 years, and she talks about him all the time on FB, posts pictures and stuff, whereas, he barely acknowledges her existence there or anywhere. I don't see how he can't be in love with this woman. I've mentioned before that he never speaks about her to me. I guess I wonder what it is he gets from me when it seems like his wife is there for him? Is it just variety? Is he just bored with her? I also can tell that I am his first and only affair. I have started to pull back some and now he's beginning to chase after me. I find this weird, it's all so weird. What does he get from me that he's not getting at home? What do you think? Do not base what he does or doesn't do on facebook and judge his marriage that way. How can you tell that you've been his only affair? Remember, this man is a great liar and deceiver! He has done this to his wife so don't fool yourself into thinking that he'd never lie to you. Hey, if he has had other affairs, why would you tell you? or if he has another OW on the side as well, not just you, how would you know? Makes you think doesn't it? You fulfill needs he isn't getting at home. Excitement, making him feel good and sexy, an ego boost. He may or may not have real feelings for you, but in the jist of things, he has no intention of giving up his wife and life with her. He is used to TWO women meeting his needs, why give up on one when he can have two? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Do not base what he does or doesn't do on facebook and judge his marriage that way. ^ THIS! If anyone looked at my Facebook page they would think I was most happily married man on the planet. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Is your OW on your facebook? (I cannot remember if you are still with her so, if not, was she during the A?) If so, does she make comments about your fb and how it makes her feel in terms of that? I think it would be hard to hear he was miserable and then have him playing happy hubby on fb, even if it's just for show. Link to post Share on other sites
elbe Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 He hasn't left her. He still gets everything and more from his wife. He is just venturing out greedily seeking more and more gratification. When it's over you will be the weakest link I'm afraid. I hope you aren't too emotionally invested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Is your OW on your facebook? (I cannot remember if you are still with her so, if not, was she during the A?) If so, does she make comments about your fb and how it makes her feel in terms of that? I think it would be hard to hear he was miserable and then have him playing happy hubby on fb, even if it's just for show. Are you talking to me? Yes, my MOW is FB friends with both me and my wife. MOW has my FB password and it is one of the ways we converse. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 In fact, it was MOW's idea to start posting more about my wife because too many women were... ya know. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Direct convo from last evening. Her: Where are you? Me: @Uchiko with **** H: Yummy! Have fun! M: Yep. We should go sometime. H: Too risky. H: Check in and post a pic of her M: Oh geez, okay. H: Well done. Talk to you when you get back. Link to post Share on other sites
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