What do these MM get from us?

[Journee]

This is what I think many single OW's do not understand. So they are told a slew of lies just so that the affair takes place, when that is all that is wanted.

 

There are a couple of single OW's here that accept it for what it is, but they are few and far between.

 

Do the MP realize that they are lying? What I mean is, is it more common for the MP to be living in a fantasy world rather than just being a scheming liar with ill intent for everyone?

 

Like in the moment it sounds good and feels good but when it comes down to it, it's a no go.

 

Maybe this is a more of thread jack than a continuation on the OP. I was just curious.

[Popsicle]

Different MM get different things from their As.

 

But for many what they get is: a lover/gf AND a wife, whom many see as doing two different things. Which may be neither better nor worst, but different.

 

I think that seems to be the contention most times: MM/MW wanting a lover AND their spouse. They do not want to divorce. Not looking to start a new life. They want their regular life and all it entails AND a lover. But many APs are led to believe there is a choice in the future when most times the reality is that the MP in an affair gets an affair...they want an affair...and anything about leaving, new life, new spouse isn't at all their plan.

 

I suppose I just don't get why they don't scrap the lover and just make their wife their lover. Especially if the wife is good.

 

Do the MP realize that they are lying? What I mean is, is it more common for the MP to be living in a fantasy world rather than just being a scheming liar with ill intent for everyone?

 

Like in the moment it sounds good and feels good but when it comes down to it, it's a no go.

 

Maybe this is a more of thread jack than a continuation on the OP. I was just curious.

 

Yeah I agree, I do think many MP's don't realize that they are lying, because most affairs are first-time affairs by my estimations, so they don't realize what's happening within them for a while. Of course serial cheaters know what they are doing and don't lie very much to the OW and they get really good at what they do.

Edited December 2, 2013 by Popsicle

[mitchell]

BJs and anal. His wife stopped those years ago.

[Got it]

I read all these threads here and I think about my MM and I'm starting to wonder. My MM has a wife, who I don't know, but I think he finds her physically attractive (she looks attractive to me) and from my Facebook stalking of her, it seems as if she's a nice woman who is into him. They have 3 kids together, two of which are under 10 yo and I could tell that she likes being married to him. I could tell that she would be absolutely CRUSHED if she ever found out how he was behaving with me, and not only because he's been deceiving her, but because I think she really likes him and wouldn't want to lose him. They've been married over 10 years, and she talks about him all the time on FB, posts pictures and stuff, whereas, he barely acknowledges her existence there or anywhere. I don't see how he can't be in love with this woman. I've mentioned before that he never speaks about her to me. I guess I wonder what it is he gets from me when it seems like his wife is there for him? Is it just variety? Is he just bored with her? I also can tell that I am his first and only affair. I have started to pull back some and now he's beginning to chase after me. I find this weird, it's all so weird. What does he get from me that he's not getting at home?

 

What do you think?

 

Popsicle, have you asked him these questions? There is little we can answer here outside of just speculating and assuming based on our own experiences/opinions. Only he can answer these questions for you.

[Popsicle]

BJs and anal. His wife stopped those years ago.

 

You watch too much porn.

 

Popsicle, have you asked him these questions? There is little we can answer here outside of just speculating and assuming based on our own experiences/opinions. Only he can answer these questions for you.

 

It may be speculation based in personal experiences or personal thoughts but it has still be helpful and enlightening.

Edited December 2, 2013 by Popsicle

[skywriter]

You got that right.

 

 

 

No, he really is inexperienced. He makes a lot of dorky rookie (in terms of dealing with women in dating) type of mistakes. Most women would have been turned off and dumped him a long time ago. Several of my friends agree with me too.

 

 

My exMM did the same things, as well as telling me that I was his first and only A.

 

Eventually, I found out that he was calling, texting, sending pictures of himself to two of my girlfriends.

 

Doesn't mean yours is, just something to think about.

[John-Dough]

Most of them I don't know. I am fairly well known and was not as discriminant as I should have been initially when entering FB world. I have 3700 FB friend only about 400 I know personally. But the hits have come from both.

 

I wouldn't read too much into that, especially the ones you don't know. That is so common. I run several Discussion Groups on FB that are aimed at certain interest areas - no way related to any of this stuff. But, I have learned how to tell by their FB page, who the women are that are going to select out men and hit on them. And, I don't allow them in our group. Some of us men have talked and they seem to go down the list somewhat selecting the ones they think are good prospects - then they see who will take the bait. I'm sure it has something to do with making money. LOL

[Got it]

You watch too much porn.

 

 

 

It may be speculation based in personal experiences or personal thoughts but it has still be helpful and enlightening.

 

But we are not him. So how can we answer for him? I was a MW at one point, doesn't mean that my reasoning is the same as his. My MM may have different reasons than your MM.

 

There is a wide spectrum of what needs are being met and what is being given back as there is a spectrum of reasons why someone is in an affair. Asking him will get you potentially some answers or he will acknowledge that he doesn't even know. Which should be a good course of action for him to start looking at why he is in affair and what he is hoping to achieve from it.

[thinkingofhim]

I am under no delusions that he will leave his wife and kids for me (nor do I want him to) and I've never asked him if I'm his only affair, I wouldn't expect truth to come from him anyway. I can just tell by how inexperienced he acts and how utterly surprised he acts that another woman even likes him.

 

Obviously he wasn't too dorky and inexperienced to get someone to marry him ... Was he that surprised when he proposed and she said yes? Im sure I've fallen for some tall tales from my MM but honestly this is just a silly reason to think hes new to affairs

[Popsicle]

Obviously he wasn't too dorky and inexperienced to get someone to marry him ... Was he that surprised when he proposed and she said yes? Im sure I've fallen for some tall tales from my MM but honestly this is just a silly reason to think hes new to affairs

 

I'd rather not derail this thread too much, as it's not the topic of the thread, but you're welcome to send me a private message if you'd like to convince me further. (I'm not seeing it really)

 

But we are not him. So how can we answer for him? I was a MW at one point, doesn't mean that my reasoning is the same as his. My MM may have different reasons than your MM.

 

There is a wide spectrum of what needs are being met and what is being given back as there is a spectrum of reasons why someone is in an affair. Asking him will get you potentially some answers or he will acknowledge that he doesn't even know. Which should be a good course of action for him to start looking at why he is in affair and what he is hoping to achieve from it.

 

What I meant in my previous post is that I find the speculation (even the wide variety of speculation) helpful. I realize that none of them could be on the mark, but I still find the possibilities enlightening. I would not open my mind to many of these by myself.

Edited December 2, 2013 by Popsicle

[cozycottagelg]

I know a lot of people who look happy on FB, doesn't mean they are.

 

I know a couple, she puts pictures of her and her husband up, talks about him like he's the most wonderful man on the planet, but in reality, all they ever do is fight at home, and what's worse, they are very disrespectful to each other in front of their children.

 

You see them from the outside though, perfect couple. Great jobs, good looking, two perfect kids, nice house....

 

Facebook is not an indicator of a happy life.

[Popsicle]

I know a lot of people who look happy on FB, doesn't mean they are.

 

I know a couple, she puts pictures of her and her husband up, talks about him like he's the most wonderful man on the planet, but in reality, all they ever do is fight at home, and what's worse, they are very disrespectful to each other in front of their children.

 

You see them from the outside though, perfect couple. Great jobs, good looking, two perfect kids, nice house....

 

Facebook is not an indicator of a happy life.

 

Okay, but can you not tell at all on FB, not even the slightest if you paid close attention, that something is off in their marriage?

[Realist3]

Do the MP realize that they are lying? What I mean is, is it more common for the MP to be living in a fantasy world rather than just being a scheming liar with ill intent for everyone?

 

Like in the moment it sounds good and feels good but when it comes down to it, it's a no go.

 

Maybe this is a more of thread jack than a continuation on the OP. I was just curious.

 

By MP I assume you mean married partner?

 

I think we know three basic truths.

1. Men will tell women almost anything to get into their pants.

2. Men rarely if ever leave their spouse for the OW.

3. Single OW's rarely get involved with MM unless there is some promise of a future together as a couple.

 

I think a good many of them lie to achieve a short term goal, having a piece on the side. The other forum is replete with stories of the lies told to single OW's to get them hooked. Some of them future fake the OW for years.

[Popsicle]

Serial cheaters don't usually lie to the OW/M about leaving. They (gently) let them know that they are married but can't leave. They'll blame staying on the kids, work position, sobbing spouse at home, anything and everything, but they won't lie and say they are leaving. They'll just placate and sweet talk the OW/M and think him/her for being with them.

 

A first-time cheat may lie but they don't know they are lying yet. They are confused and trying to work through what they feel and what they are going to do.

[cozycottagelg]

Okay, but can you not tell at all on FB, not even the slightest if you paid close attention, that something is off in their marriage?

 

Nope...though he is not on Facebook, so it's one sided. I am not sure how he might act on there.

 

I am miserable in my marriage. You wouldn't know it from FB. I'd never post anything to bring that kind of attention to my life. It is my issue and my husbands, not our "friends" on FB. I'm not fake..I just say nothing at all about it.

[Popsicle]

Nope...though he is not on Facebook, so it's one sided. I am not sure how he might act on there.

 

I am miserable in my marriage. You wouldn't know it from FB. I'd never post anything to bring that kind of attention to my life. It is my issue and my husbands, not our "friends" on FB. I'm not fake..I just say nothing at all about it.

 

Right! I'm glad you said that.. how you handle it is how I'd think most people who were unhappy in their marriage would handle it. They just wouldn't say anything at all.

 

Maybe I'm just struggling with accepting that people would act that fake. I don't see the purpose. You can just not say anything.

[Goodbye]

My healing sped up after I stopped the FB stalking...gets you know where and doesn't give you any real data.

 

In my opinion, FB info is about as accurate a measure of happiness as those posed family pictures people send in holiday cards...you know, the professional ones in cute settings all wearing similar attire? Yuck. I have a friend who sends out GORGEOUS Christmas cards...meanwhile he H is an active alcoholic, was arrested last year, she has an eating disorder and one of her daughters got kicked out of private school for stealing her friend's ADHD prescription.

[Popsicle]

My healing sped up after I stopped the FB stalking...gets you know where and doesn't give you any real data.

 

In my opinion, FB info is about as accurate a measure of happiness as those posed family pictures people send in holiday cards...you know, the professional ones in cute settings all wearing similar attire? Yuck. I have a friend who sends out GORGEOUS Christmas cards...meanwhile he H is an active alcoholic, was arrested last year, she has an eating disorder and one of her daughters got kicked out of private school for stealing her friend's ADHD prescription.

 

This post made me crack up laughing. Thanks!

[Snipercatt]

Okay, but can you not tell at all on FB, not even the slightest if you paid close attention, that something is off in their marriage

 

No, not even the slightest, not even with a microscope.

[Goodbye]

This post made me crack up laughing. Thanks!

 

 

You are welcome...and it is a true story! In fact Perfect Christmas Card Mother called me today to report her H got drunk and vanished on Thanksgiving...sad, but goes to show not all is as it seems. If you are determined to put up a good front, it can be done...for a while.

 

 

I am responding again because I realized after my post that there was one useful thing that came from my past FB stalking of exMM and his W. I caught him in a lie...told me he was on a "guy's weekend" and I could tell from her FB posts that wasn't the case. It was this hideous little nugget of wisdom that finally made me put 2 and 2 together and realize the lies he'd been slinging. When I realized how gaslighted I'd been, it did help me to move on and no longer rationalize the situation. However, prolonged FB stalking...especially after you've determined it isn't working, only leads to obsession and misery.