firststeps Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 ls falling out of love a cop out or is there validity to it? l've been hearing my STBXH mention to his friends that he fell out of love with me during our marriage, that he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore. He left me for OW, but he didn't even try to make it work with us. Staying in a marriage requires work, dedication but the "l fell out of love" BS gets under my skin. He has told me that if he came back, he doesn't think he can stay faithful. When l put all the pieces of the puzzle together, its all about the sex for him. This is his new addiction/new vice. He put me at risk when he was cheating on me before l caught on to his affair. After 20 years of being together, yes the love and attraction changes. But to walk away is just being selfish. He didn't even try, and he didn't tell me how he felt. We could have rekindled the spark and passion but when someone else is involved, then there was no hope.
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 ls falling out of love a cop out or is there validity to it? l've been hearing my STBXH mention to his friends that he fell out of love with me during our marriage, that he doesn't have the same feelings for me anymore. He left me for OW, but he didn't even try to make it work with us. Staying in a marriage requires work, dedication but the "l fell out of love" BS gets under my skin. He has told me that if he came back, he doesn't think he can stay faithful. When l put all the pieces of the puzzle together, its all about the sex for him. This is his new addiction/new vice. He put me at risk when he was cheating on me before l caught on to his affair. After 20 years of being together, yes the love and attraction changes. But to walk away is just being selfish. He didn't even try, and he didn't tell me how he felt. We could have rekindled the spark and passion but when someone else is involved, then there was no hope. You may think of it as BS, but it is 100% true. When someone decides to disconnect from you it is over for good. No, you could not have rekindled the spark. At some point it becomes a bridge too far for many people. There is absolutely nothing you could do to undo what caused the problem in the first place. There is a fundamental issue that is never going to change no matter how people might like to dance around it.
elbe Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 This is just the way our society operates these days. Love usually isn't what fades unless you grow to hate each other -- sexual attraction definitely does. It takes real work to keep those feelings alive. Most people these days would rather divorce than try to fix. 3
harrybrown Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 It hurts. In the short-term, your world is turned upside down. I am sorry that you are going thru this horrible experience. Do the 180, have no contact with him. Get him out of your life. You will be better off with him out of your life.
ChooseTruth Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Personally I think chasing butterflies is a copout and I get seriously turned off when I see someone mention it on dating profiles now. If you read His Needs Her Needs or the 5 love languages (I haven't read the latter) they are about rebuilding love. So it can be done. Kinda hard to do when you're effing someone else though. I like the idea that love is a verb, not a noun. 4
mammasita Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 IMHO falling out of love with a partner is a direct side effect of the choice to pursue a sexual chemistry driven relationship with an affair partner. I honestly believe that if there is no third party, then there's hope to rekindle/reconcile. 4
yellowmaverick Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 You may think of it as BS, but it is 100% true. When someone decides to disconnect from you it is over for good. No, you could not have rekindled the spark. At some point it becomes a bridge too far for many people. There is absolutely nothing you could do to undo what caused the problem in the first place. There is a fundamental issue that is never going to change no matter how people might like to dance around it. ^^^This is crap and does not apply to mature people who are realistic about the natural ups and downs of a marriage. I have fallen in and out of love with my STBXWH once during our long marriage. I fell out of love because we both put our marriage on the back burner and forgot about "us". We rededicated ourselves and got back on track. The feelings came back. When my WH was engaged in the affair, he was disconnected. He got that spark back after d-day, but I have chosen not to reconcile - but not because I don't love him. Junior high school kids expect all unicorns and rainbows and quit the relationship when that feeling stops. Adults realize that a successful marriage takes work and they do the work. Firststeps, my friend, you married a junior high school kid. Let him go. 6
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 ^ And where are you now? Still in love with him/her? You may have thought you fell back in love, or your spouse may have thought so, but once it is gone it is gone.
yellowmaverick Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 ^ And where are you now? Still in love with him/her? You may have thought you fell back in love, or your spouse may have thought so, but once it is gone it is gone. No. I still love him and he still loves me. I just can't live with him. It may be "gone" for you, but don't presume that your situation is the same for everyone or even the norm. 2
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 From what you have said, it's pretty clear he is completely checked out and disengaged from you and your marriage. I am sorry but it is over:( You are correct that a 3rd does make reconciliation a million times more difficult and less likely for success, but he has made it clear he is not interested in trying to reconcile and that even if he did try, he is pretty confident he would fail. I know it hurts but you need to believe him and you need to be thankfull that he has shown you the truth and shown you the reality of the situation. It is a major kick in the gut today but in the long run it will really help you shuck off all the baggage and move on with the rest of your life better. Some times hope of reconciliation is a very crippling and very debilitating force in the whole recovery process. 4
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Yes, there are no absolutes. I agree. In this particular case since her husband is getting a divorce it seems pretty definitive. A fundamental change is exceedingly rare.
compulsivedancer Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 You may think of it as BS, but it is 100% true. When someone decides to disconnect from you it is over for good. No, you could not have rekindled the spark. At some point it becomes a bridge too far for many people. There is absolutely nothing you could do to undo what caused the problem in the first place. There is a fundamental issue that is never going to change no matter how people might like to dance around it. I think a spark can be rekindled, but only if both spouses want it. In your case, he's not up for it, and you can't do all the work. This is on him; don't allow yourself to take the blame for it! 2
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 ls falling out of love a cop out or is there validity to it? No it's very real. People do fall out of love. I fell out of love last week. Twice the week before. I really feel out of love the week before that and I'm pretty sure I fell out of love several times the week before that. ...And I bet I fell out of love a dozen or more times in October, it was kind of a rough month. I'm exaggerating and talking out my butt of course but my point is valid. The rush of "feelings" will wax and wane over the course of a marriage, over the course of a year, over the course of a day and some times even minute by minute. The reason people talk about 'commitment is about weathering those storms and working through various issues and doing what needs to be done to keep the relationship working even though the butterflies and warmandcozys may not be there all the time. Your husband has made a commitment and has made a declaration of his intentions. His commitment and declaration have been to leave. The road to marital health and function is littered with the bodies of fallen people where both have worked hard on saving the marriage. The chances of success where one has made the commitment to leave is virtually nill. Give yourself permission to move on. You've done all you can. Your heart and soul may have been in the right place but in order for a marriage to be a real marriage and not just a façade and charade, both people have to be committed to it. 2
oldshirt Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 I think a spark can be rekindled, but only if both spouses want it. In your case, he's not up for it, and you can't do all the work. This is on him; don't allow yourself to take the blame for it! Think of that "spark" as like a real fire. There is a point you can blow it (pun intended) and it will glow brighter and hotter and may be enough to reignite and can be rekindled. But there is a point where it is burned out and all the blowing (again, pun intended) and efforts at rekindling are in vain and that fire is out. If another fire is wanted, then you have to start from scratch and rebuild one with a whole new set of matches, tinder, kindling and fuel. Having someone tell you to your face that they are done and that they will fail even if they try to reconcile is all the evidence one needs to tell you that the fire is out and there isn't a spark left to rekindle. How could anyone even try to reconcile after someone told them that?? At some point one has to declare a marriage dead. I understand people mourning for something that has past. I understand looking back at the good times and missing them with nostalgia. And I understand wanting to be in a healthy and happy marriage. But at some point you have to realize it's easier and more efficient to meet someone new and start over than it is to build back up that which has been destroyed. "It's easier to give birth than it is to resurrect the dead." -Athol Kay 2
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Think of that "spark" as like a real fire. There is a point you can blow it (pun intended) and it will glow brighter and hotter and may be enough to reignite and can be rekindled. But there is a point where it is burned out and all the blowing (again, pun intended) and efforts at rekindling are in vain and that fire is out. If another fire is wanted, then you have to start from scratch and rebuild one with a whole new set of matches, tinder, kindling and fuel. Having someone tell you to your face that they are done and that they will fail even if they try to reconcile is all the evidence one needs to tell you that the fire is out and there isn't a spark left to rekindle. How could anyone even try to reconcile after someone told them that?? At some point one has to declare a marriage dead. I understand people mourning for something that has past. I understand looking back at the good times and missing them with nostalgia. And I understand wanting to be in a healthy and happy marriage. But at some point you have to realize it's easier and more efficient to meet someone new and start over than it is to build back up that which has been destroyed. "It's easier to give birth than it is to resurrect the dead." -Athol Kay Well said, and thanks for ruining my Sunday.
whatatangledweb Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Well said, and thanks for ruining my Sunday. Why would that ruin your sunday? Is it something you fear has happened? OP, you can rekindle the love if there is any love left beyond resentments, etc.. When there is nothing left than I do not believe it is possible. It takes two to make it work and no third party. He should have told you what he felt before he even thought of having an affair. I am sorry you are hurting.
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Why would that ruin your sunday? Is it something you fear has happened? OP, you can rekindle the love if there is any love left beyond resentments, etc.. When there is nothing left than I do not believe it is possible. It takes two to make it work and no third party. He should have told you what he felt before he even thought of having an affair. I am sorry you are hurting. I was joking.
Realist3 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Is it something you fear has happened? No, it is something I know has happened. Ain't no way in hades my wife could ever rekindle anything with me. No way. 1
dichotomy Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 What do feelings have to do with love? Is love a feeling or an action and will to give? Do married people go through phases, months or years with a loss of feelings of passion or "love" and still stay married committed to each other and the marriage? Do people cheat or hurt those they still "feel love" for ? 1
painfullyobvious Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Wandering partners and cheaters have a tendency to "rewrite" their history involving their exes, their betrayed partners and the nature of their relationship with others. They need excuses for their behavior for others but mostly for themselves. I always wonder who they are trying to convince more during affairs/separation/divorce; themselves or others? 2
jnel921 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 "I don't love you anymore". I heard that too... my first marriage. He told that to our MC at the time with a lot of other nasty and hurtful things. He liked the attention and I am sure the sex with a different tail. 20 years with someone is a long time. Sparks should be recharging throughout the years as I am now noting with my current H as he cheated as well but wanted to R. When M gets complacent, then its time to act and time to change! You are better off alone if this is your H's current attitude. I was. I too did not want to be at risk because my XH couldn't keep it in his pants. It's been almost 17 years since I left my first H and he tells my kids how much he loves me. But of course I will never believe that. Go figure! 2
jnel921 Posted December 1, 2013 Posted December 1, 2013 Wandering partners and cheaters have a tendency to "rewrite" their history involving their exes, their betrayed partners and the nature of their relationship with others. They need excuses for their behavior for others but mostly for themselves. I always wonder who they are trying to convince more during affairs/separation/divorce; themselves or others? Very true. My XH is a compulsive liar and a serial cheater. He will never admit the truth about what he has done to anyone.... very scary. 1
Fluttershy Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 IMO, the only people who "fall out of love" are the people who have a false romantic view of what love is. They focus on the chemical release of meeting someone new, the spark, all that. They are addicted to that feeling and have to keep seeking it. On the flip side I do believe people can stop loving each other if they stop working on their marriage or if the love they feel for the other person is destroyed by the person they loved (or themselves). Fighting all the time, affairs, not seeing each other often enough, not learning how to resolve issues. All those things can be danger if left unchecked. But when you love someone. Truly love them. You know that when the day ends you will choose them. That when things get rough, you will be there with them. Unfortunately, we are selfish beings and there is no guarantee the person you are with feels this way in return. If anyone finds themselves in a marriage that has "lost the spark" or they are questioning their love, I encourage them to do as much reading as they can and work on bettering themselves and their relationship. And hopefully, their spouse responds but if they don't, then realize you did all you could and in the end no one can make someone else choose to stay. And if the person has already disconnected and offers no desire to work on the problems, realize that it was their choice and not yours. 3
thecharade Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 So, prior to any third party entering the picture, let's just say one partner is not putting in the work. He or she is not addressing the marital needs--maybe working all the time or checking out when home--and the attending spouse gets lonely or depressed. If the neglected spouse finally says, "I don't love you anymore," is that fair? Or is that spouse ditching his/her vows? (No third party involvement. Just marital issues.) Is that a case of falling out of love, and is it acceptable to fall out of love when treated that way? Or is that immature junior high thinking and an unrealistic view of marriage?
Fluttershy Posted December 2, 2013 Posted December 2, 2013 So, prior to any third party entering the picture, let's just say one partner is not putting in the work. He or she is not addressing the marital needs--maybe working all the time or checking out when home--and the attending spouse gets lonely or depressed. If the neglected spouse finally says, "I don't love you anymore," is that fair? Or is that spouse ditching his/her vows? (No third party involvement. Just marital issues.) Is that a case of falling out of love, and is it acceptable to fall out of love when treated that way? Or is that immature junior high thinking and an unrealistic view of marriage? It would totally depend on the circumstances and each individual situation. And if the neglected spouse was actually actively seeking rekindling the marriage and not just "thinking" they were. The five love languages is really a good book to help people because sometimes people think they are "showing love" to their spouse when really they are just showing their king of love. For example: One spouse says I love you all the time but the other spouse sees it as just words or One spouse doesn't say I love you but does a lot of work around the house but the other spouse needs to hear the words. But if, a lot of time has passed and there are no extenuating circumstances like illness or job loss or the like, I think a spouse should choose to leave. Not leaving is just leaving yourself wide open for more misery or someone coming along who fills the voids your spouse refuses to fill and an affair is born. But even then the neglected spouse may still feel love but realize you can't fix a marriage alone. 1
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