Dimples0118 Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 He wants to take his time moving out. He said he does not want counseling because nothing will change. He also said he has resented me over things for years, but never told me and the only reason he told me he wanted a divorce is because I kept asking him what was wrong. He said he was going to wait until I get out of nursing school and pay less support to me and the kids, but I forced his hand. He also said he wants to stay at least until March when I am scheduled to have upcomming surgery and that he has no place or plans to go anywhere, just wants a divorce, do not want to work it out and wants to wait until he gets himself situated until he moves out. He also said, there is no other woman, he just feels very strongly that after 22 years, two kids ages 7 and 15, that he does not love me romantically anymore and he felt alone in our marriage,but never felt to tell me or try to fix anything. In order for my children and I to move on, I need him gone. I told him to get out today and he refused because he does not have a place to stay and did not tell his parents. He also is leaving me without a job and two minor kids. Any thoughts!!! Should I just let him stay until he gets his stuff together or tell him to get to stepping? Thanks!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dimples0118 Posted December 1, 2013 Author Share Posted December 1, 2013 So, I have no job and no money!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
elbe Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I believe the proper route is to begin the divorce process, but more importantly immediately begin seeking child support/spousal support. You can formerly evict him with a 30 days notice if the property belongs to you. This is going to be a very formal process you will need to consult the local police department but the absolute most important thing to do is to head straight to the courthouse. You need this break to happen now. Don't let this scumbag kick his feet up on your sofa until he decides he feels like moving somewhere else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Tell him to get the F out NOW. Tell his parents to be expecting him. There is no way for you to function with him in your face after what he has just said, period. Stay mum today. Get to an attorney first thing in the morning, get the attorney to freeze all the accounts, have him served, and an emergency temporary hearing set up with a Judge. You got to move on this tomorrow. Or else, he is going to empty out the bank accounts. Keep your mouth shut. Use credit cards to put done a retainer. Call a trusted friend or professional for a referral. Say nothing. You don't have to go through with it if you guys reconcile - but you must protect yourself immediately - and take him of guard. Yas 4 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 He's been making enough decisions that affect you without giving you a look in. It's time for you to take charge of your life and if he does not like the consequences then that is just tough luck. He wants to stay whilst it suits him and it is comfortable for him. Don't let him. Why should it all be his way? Link to post Share on other sites
Yarrow Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I agree with Yas. Tell him to get stepping, but before you do that, run everything by a lawyer first to make sure you are doing it in the "correct" way that won't come back to bite you later. Link to post Share on other sites
Still-I-Rise Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 (edited) My husband pulled something similar...even living out of his car for a while so everyone could feel sad for him. Turns out he'd been involved with another woman for years and almost got away with it. NO ONE expected it but it was true. He immediately bought a 2014 mercedes with her and they live together. I was also in school...he was going to wait...stop sabotaging me ... Same stuff about resentments he never mentioned, et al. I believe it is called "Death by a thousand cuts." Same revisionist history. Everyone told me to file - I didn't - turns out he'd already done so. It has been awful! Please listen to the good advice on this board - PLEASE, get in the driver's seat and check out runaway husbands online. So far I've received no support but believe that could've gone better without the unfortunate involvement of a bad attorney I'd had on retainer. Good luck. Edited December 1, 2013 by Still-I-Rise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Start calling your friends today for contacts, and seating the Internet for the right attorney for you - TODAY. You need to file tomorrow, get things frozen, cards cut off in his name, all sorts of things depending on your financial situation. Get all your financial papers together TODAY, debt, bills, assets, etc. Temporary Order needs to happen fast - so u won't be broke. Timing has to be just right. He won't expect you to instantly get proactive. And being the Plantiff put you in a slightly beneficial position - you always get to go first on everything. Psychologically - that is better than defending yourself after the Plantiff has made you look bad. The emergency hearing with the judge is going to be expensive - but your attorney can make him pay your legal fees, if he has the money during that hearing. But you will have to cough up at least 5G to get a decent attorney to get the ball rolling. Credit card - tomorrow, before he shuts you down. Or go to the bank and get a cash advance on the full balance. He can deal with. But best to pay credit card at law office. TOMORROW hon! Link to post Share on other sites
jforthegirl Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I am in a similar situation. We have been together for over 23 years, same exit strategy, or rather, lack of one. Told me basically the same thing, doesn't love me, hasn't for years, nothing can change it. And he doesn't have the resources to move out. Just living here under the guise that it is best to keep stability for our young daughter. No plan on how or when he will move out. It's like being stuck in the worst purgatory, with no end in sight. So, I guess I'm a little short on advice for you, but just wanted you to know that there are others out here in the same crappy situation. hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Make an emergency appointment with the doctor. What your husband said to you has caused you severe emotional distress - he must vacate the premises, that will be requested in the filing automatically. But a doctor's report and the medication you are probably going to need to cope with this "Emotional Destress" from this "Tramatic Event" is evidence that your attorney can show at the temporary hearing if your husband still refuses to leave. He wants to break the marital contract, and he does have a place to go - his parents house. There are quite a few things on you list. You may need therapy - I'm not kidding around with you. Not only do you need this documentation for the practical reasons of outing your husband, you have truly suffered a tramic event - for real. And you really do need medical attention now. Help yourself, and your attorney at the same time. Yas Jforthegirl, you might consider this advice also. You should not have to suffer under the same roof if there are options. Link to post Share on other sites
Purepony Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Love how everyone immediately assumes the womans side! This is one side of the story plus we dont even knoe who owns the house. I hope this give us all hope to get married in the future Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 (edited) Love how everyone immediately assumes the womans side! This is one side of the story plus we dont even knoe who owns the house. I hope this give us all hope to get married in the future Listen man, when people are married they both own the house. Hope for marriage? Are you kidding? 50% divorce rate - and who knows how many are just staying in a marriage for the wrong reasons? If you haven't already, most likely you're going to end up in a divorced yourself one of these days. And if you're not yet married, be sure to pick a mate that will be nice when you eventually divorce. That is reality, dude. Where is your contribution? What suggests the husband is the wronged party here? How do you suggest OP shape up and clean up her act? What are you recommendations? OK, what's your advice for the OP? Pony up. Let's hear it. That is what the site is for. I'm seriously anxious to hear your perspectives on what OP should do. I absolutely agree that all sides should be examined. Yas Edited December 1, 2013 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
Canadiangirl78 Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 I think purepony went NC on you! Lol Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Love how everyone immediately assumes the womans side! This is one side of the story plus we dont even knoe who owns the house. I hope this give us all hope to get married in the future This really has nothing to do with sides. This is the same advice given here over and over again to both genders who get blindsided by divorce. Many of us come here for emotional support, but sometimes (and especially at the early stages when it goes down like this) people need support with the reality of getting things done in this quagmire. This is one of those times. Dimples, you need to talk to a lawyer asap. You also need to have as good of an idea as possible of where you stand financially. You need to have an honest conversation with yourself about what you and your children's needs are and how you will meet them. If I have any advice it is to try your best to set emotion to the side. It's impossible I know, but this situation is real and you need to protect yourself. As Yas said you can stop the process at any time, but do not drag your feet on this, it could end up very bad for everyone if you are unprepared. Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 tough situation. and you have and will get a lot of 'noise' (on this board). you should consult an attorney. apparently he has --- as he is following rule #1: do not leave. often this will look like abandonment (to a judge). do not make 'quick' decisions. scan older posts as there is plenty of very useful information to guide you. good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 (edited) I actually thought he was being a non-jerk by at least sticking around until after your surgery. Yes what he's doing sucks & has to be an extreme emotional blow but you have some very real practical considerations. If you have no job & kids how will you suport yourself & pay the mortgage once he's out of the house? Do you really want your kids to paint you as the bad guy for kicking their father out before Christmas? In most states you can't get a divorce until you have lived seperate & apart for a certain time. As long as he's still there, the clock isn't ticking. Move him into the guest room, consult an attorney, start looking for a job & come up with a dispassionate plan. You will get more flies with honey as they say . . . if you scream, yell & throw him out, he wil probably stop paying the mortage & the utilities because he sounds like kind of a jerk that way & you will lose your house. If you have no money you won't be able to afford the kind of lawyer that can try to force him to pay & even then, the damage will most likely be done b/c an emergency hearing just won't be that fast over the holidays so from a practical consideration to keep a roof over your kids' heads until you have a better calmer handle on the situation, sit tight & use him for his money. As for getting a lawyer for $5G up front, good luck with that. Depending on where you live, it's more like $25G & if you two lock horns the legal bills could easily top $100k Edited December 2, 2013 by d0nnivain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 That is why you get in front of Judge for emergency hearing right now. Judge can order husband to pay the remainder of retainer. I had one of the best attorneys in Atlanta. In 2008, her retainer was $15,000. Now I'm sure it is much mor like 20K at least. But 5K will buy a filing and a temporary hearing if your husband has money - cause attorney know she/ he will collect on that day. I put the whole thing on my American Express, and I'm sorry I did that, cause I didn't have to - because once it's stuck on your credit card, it stays on your side of the debt. At the hearing following the temporary hearing she had blown through the 15K, and he was ordered to catch up her bill. That happened a couple times. Don't let previous poster scare you. It is true - some divorces do cross the $100k line - mine certainly did, but it took four years, and HE was extremely uncooperative, and there were many hearings for contempt, and a three day trial. This is not the normal case by far. Let you attorney try to pinch the money out of him - by bring proof that he has money. Kid he doesn't have the money - you must search for an attorney that has a more reasonable retainer fee - they are out there. It is the big firms that are asking for 25k. Not the small botique firms. I do not recommend these high paid big firms now that I have through this. I would look for an individual that is more hungry for a case. The facts are the facts in the Court at the end of the day. You attorney depends on you to revel the facts. If there is a business - a business evaluator is hired. The judge you get is the judge you get. Ours didn't listen to either business evaluator. You never know what the Judge will do. Don't be frightened - most women are left without the money when husband dumps them - that is what the temporary hearing is for. That is also why I tell you it is urgent to get moving cause the attorney can freeze all the accounts through a motion, then the judge will divide things up temporarily at the start (I was overseas when my name was taken off all the accounts.). Hope this helps. Yas Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Well good luck kicking him out of a house that's half if not all his. Especially since you have no income. Which by the way is your fault, not his. Don't really see where you not having s job is his fault, considering he suggested it but you are the one that did it. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Well good luck kicking him out of a house that's half if not all his. Especially since you have no income. Which by the way is your fault, not his. Don't really see where you not having s job is his fault, considering he suggested it but you are the one that did it. Keenly, It's possible her unpaid earnings taking care of the home, the children, and him - plus overtime, may exceed his financial contributions. Did you ever consider that? Yas Link to post Share on other sites
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