jforthegirl Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I have been a member here for a short time, less than 3 weeks. It has been so incredibly helpful to read about others in similar situations. But the more that I read about these situations, the more of a pattern I see. What the hell is the deal with all of these men and women who up and leave because they aren't in love with or attracted to their spouse any more. And they refuse to try MC, say that it can't be fixed. Is it a mid life crisis thing? Or it just loses its luster and becomes too routine? I'm baffled at how many of us are experiencing the exact same thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Agent Orange Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 But the more that I read about these situations, the more of a pattern I see. What the hell is the deal with all of these men and women who up and leave because they aren't in love with or attracted to their spouse any more. And they refuse to try MC, say that it can't be fixed. I've never been married, so I can't necessarily speak from full experience but I think some of the problem stems from the widespread belief that therapy, in any form, doesn't work. It took me a while to get my ex to go to therapy and although it helped, we never went consistently so it was like putting a band-aide on a broken leg. It would help things for a few months, but we'd eventually go back to the same nonsense. Combine the disbelief in MC/therapy with the idea that relationships should be easy and you've got the trend you're talking about - apathy and laziness. For me it seems like people no longer want to work to save their relationships and think everything should just flow naturally. If it doesn't work that way, it "wasn't meant to be." What people rarely seem to admit is that the lucky few whose relationships are easy and require little to no work, are the exception. Not everyone is going to have an experience like something out of a Nicholas Sparks book/film adaptation. It sucks, but that's life. All relationships take work, whether it's a marriage, friendship, etc. Sometimes the work gets to be too much I suppose. It's a cop out, but understandable that some people would rather start over with something easy than work on something hard. I think people are too used to instant gratification these days. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elbe Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 We live in a throw away society. As consumers in America we buy our sweat shop products cheap and when they break we toss them to buy a new one. Unfortunately, this mentality seems to carry over into our relationships. When they are broken we automatically toss them to 'buy' a new one. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
alonefornow Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 I think many people do not think about the reality of marriage, and what it means to them, before they get married. A lot of people, especially younger people, who get married seem to do it because "that's what you do." Hell, some people even view it as something you have to do or you're some kind of failure. (Unfortunately way too many people have kids for this same reason) As people grow older they seem to realize that societal pressure is a lousy reason to marry someone, because it is. So then you have to do some real soul searching, about your partner, about your marriage, about your life. And quite frankly most people never do that soul searching, because it's hard and often painful. Then, because we are all imperfect beings, rather than step back and deal with maturing sensibilities in a rational way, we do all sorts of hurtful things to our partners. Content on blaming them for our own issues and unhappiness. And thus these forums are here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
firststeps Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 We live in a throw away society. As consumers in America we buy our sweat shop products cheap and when they break we toss them to buy a new one. Unfortunately, this mentality seems to carry over into our relationships. When they are broken we automatically toss them to 'buy' a new one. l completely agree with this. After being together with husband for 20 years, he walked away with the first woman that gave him attention and sex. "new and exciting." commitment, work, dedication, trust, and respect mean nothing to some people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 I don't think it has anything to do with actual "attraction", instead it seems in every case like faulty psychology. The $64,000 question is: How often, and in what ways is that faulty psychology an acquired trait between birth and the present, and what can society do in order to reverse the increased presence of that psychology? (now sure, if you could end child abuse this instant, the divorce rate would improve, as would the median human relationship of all kinds - but can that goal ever be met?) (only if you succeeded with that first goal, could you better isolate the effects of modern times and modern tech on the divorce rate). 70 years ago, you read the Sears catalog, and your husband worked at the steel mill, and there just wasn't much else to really draw your interest elsewhere... Now, Oprah's in your living room (or she was)... and every other freak in society is on TV wanting you to recognize him/her in one or more ways. Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 As another poster said, the divorce rate is high (45% for first marriages) because we live in a throw away society where many people believe that if their marriage is broken, or no longer to their liking, it's time to throw it away and find another one, only to find out that their next marriage has problems and issues as well, often more than the first one. There's also now the mentality that happiness is the ultimate goal, and a person has to be happy all the time, or something is seriously wrong in the marriage, and it's time to end it. Honor and commitment are no longer valued, but continual happiness is the goal. The problem with that thinking is that marriages naturally go through difficult times, and times when happiness is low. Happiness in a marriage comes and goes, often depending on transitions and current circumstances in a marriage and with the married partners. The problem with throwing away a marriage during the down times in order to find a new marriage is that the new marriage will also go through down times and periods of unhappiness. So honor and commitment have taken a back seat to instant gratification and the pursuit of happiness (which fluctuates in all marriages). The mentality has changed. Also, the rate of infidelity is currently high (40% for men, slightly less for women) , which is the cause for many divorces. So it's usually one of the three reasons that the divorce rate is high (high infidelity rate, unwillingness to work through problems in the marriage, and unwillingness to withstand the normal ups and down in a marriage because the expectation is that a person should always be happy.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Yup. It's a throw away society. Now, I've been thinking about this further... Marriage is a man made "celebration" if you will, that was typically expected to be adhered to. I often question if the human being is actually hardwired in the first place, to accept the ceremony of marriage. I honestly don't think we are. Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 So, KNOWING that we are not suited to marriage, is why I have decided to accept human nature for what it is. My wife left, and most likely the next one will also. And the one after that will up and leave also. It is human nature. It is proven in the statistics, and those statistics will become even more mind blowing when our parents and grandparents die. I predict a 70 to 80% divorce rate within one generation from now... And this is why I embrace my outlook and mentality on what I post... Stay single, have fun, but know that they will most likely eventually leave. PROTECT YOUR ASSETS, if you have any. We are witnessing a dramatic shift in patterns that we thought we knew, into patterns that now are reality... Adapt, or live with the consequences... Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Some people are not suited to marriage. Most people are suited to it, since the majority (55%) of first marriages last for a lifetime. Some people do not have a monogamous mindset, and should never get married. Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 As I stated, I predict that figure will drastically change within a generation or two. I believe that marriage is NOT suited to the majority, and it is becoming clear that it isn't... Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 If we take into account people unhappy in their marriage, that bumps up the failure rate to 75% right there... Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 A Vegas Casino has better odds than that! Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Happiness in a marriage fluctuates, depending on transitions, life circumstances, etc., which is normal. Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Now, you may think I'm being pessimistic... My wife walked out on me after one year of marriage. We dated for four years though, so it's not like we didn't know each other... Marriage is a joke. Vows are a joke. And they will walk out on you once it is convenient for them to do so. It happens ALL the time. So, you all can save me the crap about "true love" and we're "soul mates," etc... They will leave when you no longer provide them with benefits... It's reality. Think about it!~ Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Happiness in a marriage fluctuates, depending on transitions, life circumstances, etc., which is normal. Yes, and just like stocks they will sell when the price is high, and buy when the price is low... Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 My wife left, and most likely the next one will also. And the one after that will up and leave also. It is human nature. It is proven in the statistics, and those statistics will become even more mind blowing when our parents and grandparents die. I predict a 70 to 80% divorce rate within one generation from now... You simply don't understand the "statistics" you promote. For while it is true, for you, that your wife left, and the next one will as well, and the one after that will leave as well... the healthy-minded person who sat next to you in 7th grade math, got married once, to another healthy-minded person, and they will be together until the death of one. And because of you, the so-called divorce rate among the two of you, will sit at 75%. And while it may be true to cite that "(roughly/nearly) 50% of all marriages end in divorce"... it is only those who are poor at relating to others, and those who are poor at selecting mates, who are comprising well over 80% of all divorces. This assures that the more realistic divorce rate for what are still most of us is far better than your statistics want (the rest of) us to believe. Link to post Share on other sites
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