Ms.Cali Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I'm totally conflicted and confused by this. I've been married for 14 years and have two beautiful children. Our relationship has had its trials like any. However, we've NEVER had a normal sex life. He's content with having sex twice a year. When I ask him about this, he says he wants to more, but doesn't know why we don't...WTF? About 3 months ago I found an email to his ex-girlfriend claiming his undying love for her. I confronted him, he said he didn't mean it like that. Wanting to save our marriage I forgave him. 2 weeks later I found he responded to a craigslist ad for gay men. When I confronted him he said he did it as a joke. I'm trying to move past this in efforts to not break up a marriage but I just don't buy the story that someone would reply to a gay ad as "A joke". Adding that up with him never wanting to have sex with me, I feel that he is afraid of admitting he's gay. I feel horrible about breaking up my children's home. He's a great father and provider. He's caring and sweet to me. However it's like living with a great friend. I'm totally unfulfilled and don't know if I could ever see him the same way or be attracted to him. Am I wasting my time in a dead relationship with a gay man? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I'm sorry to be so blunt, but the answer to your question is simple: YES. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elbe Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 It obviously wasn't a joke. He's interested in men in one way or another. What did he say to his X? Is he just bored of sex with you? Is there any way to liven this up? It almost makes me want to barf to suggest it, but would you ever let another guy join you two? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms.Cali Posted December 1, 2013 Author Share Posted December 1, 2013 It obviously wasn't a joke. He's interested in men in one way or another. What did he say to his X? Is he just bored of sex with you? Is there any way to liven this up? It almost makes me want to barf to suggest it, but would you ever let another guy join you two? No, no...not my thing to join with another man. I feel like I'm a good woman and deserve better than sharing a gay man. As far as his letter to his X...he basically said that he still loved her and thought he'd lost her forever. There was no sexual content, but the betrayal was just as bad as if there was. When I asked him about it, he claimed he didn't mean it. I don't know any man to our his heart out for no reason. Most find it difficult even when they do love a woman. I'm torn because I've built a life with this person, children and a home. From the outside we probably look like an ideal couple. However, I'm still young and want the opportunity to be with a man that wants to be with ME. When I ask my H if he wants to divorce, he says no way but how am I supposed to move on thinking he's gay? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I feel horrible about breaking up my children's home. He's a great father and provider. He's caring and sweet to me. However it's like living with a great friend. I'm totally unfulfilled and don't know if I could ever see him the same way or be attracted to him. Am I wasting my time in a dead relationship with a gay man? I'm torn because I've built a life with this person, children and a home. From the outside we probably look like an ideal couple. However, I'm still young and want the opportunity to be with a man that wants to be with ME. When I ask my H if he wants to divorce, he says no way but how am I supposed to move on thinking he's gay? How old are your children? If your children are still young, then I think you should live together as the great friends you say you are, and provide stability for them. Being sexually or romantically satisfied is not as important as that. Or agree to an open marriage. He sounds gay or bi - no completely straight man responds to a gay ad as a joke or otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
elbe Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 I'm torn because I've built a life with this person, children and a home. From the outside we probably look like an ideal couple. However, I'm still young and want the opportunity to be with a man that wants to be with ME. When I ask my H if he wants to divorce, he says no way but how am I supposed to move on thinking he's gay? Sounds like you don't even know this person. Funny how the people closest to us we still have no idea who they are... If you are at all interested in making this work you need a counselor. Chances are the counselor will explore all of these things and may ultimately determine that you two need to break anyway. If you are not at all interested in making this work, then the sooner the better. You can't un-gay someone. BTW, how long has the sex been lacking? Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 Am I wasting my time in a dead relationship with a gay man? Probably (this thing needed at least 10 characters, so I asked the Spongebob Magic 8-ball your query, the answer was) "Tarter<sic> Sauce" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms.Cali Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 Sounds like you don't even know this person. Funny how the people closest to us we still have no idea who they are... If you are at all interested in making this work you need a counselor. Chances are the counselor will explore all of these things and may ultimately determine that you two need to break anyway. If you are not at all interested in making this work, then the sooner the better. You can't un-gay someone. BTW, how long has the sex been lacking? We've been to counseling in the past. He does better for a couple months then back to the same stuff. I'd say our sexual relationship has never been normal. It's been like this for at least 10 years Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 No, no...not my thing to join with another man. I feel like I'm a good woman and deserve better than sharing a gay man. Ms Cali said NO NO ...not my thing! That is funny right there,pun intended.I don't mean to make light of your pain it's just really out there. I can say sharing a gay man is not on my list either:). You should get gone from this situation for about two or twenty years and then make a decision as to whether or not you want to reconcile with this relationship. You have to watch out for women from his past,men from his past,men on CL and who knows what else? That's too much for me! The STBXWW went straight to CL and left our DD14 at home while banging dudes from CE on there! So I know what you feel. Good luck and you'll need it. REVITUP Link to post Share on other sites
GuyInLimbo Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 How old are your children? If your children are still young, then I think you should live together as the great friends you say you are, and provide stability for them. Being sexually or romantically satisfied is not as important as that. Or agree to an open marriage. He sounds gay or bi - no completely straight man responds to a gay ad as a joke or otherwise. Are you kidding? That would be the worst thing to do. How do you expect this woman to move on?? Or him? What man is going to date her when her ex-H ("gay" or not) is still there? It creates a lot of confusion on so many levels. How is that stability for the kids? That they grow up thinking this is normal? No. A successful marriage INCLUDES intimacy. Talk about confusing your kids... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elbe Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Some guys stay married forever and are gay as hell but refuse to come out of the closet. I imagine that comes with some serious closet anger. You might be able to get the truth out of him after several therapy sessions if you plan on sticking around that long. Otherwise, asking him directly will only cause conflict. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 Kids are resilient. The younger they are, the more resilient. I stayed for 32 years "for the children" and now I'm dealing with three young adult women who have a skewed view of relationships after watching their mother be emotionally abused their entire lives. A loveless marriage is no marriage. I am just now starting to realize how deeply I was damaged by staying for so long. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ms.Cali Posted December 12, 2013 Author Share Posted December 12, 2013 I appreciate everyone's comments. It's heartbreaking. However, I feel like I deserve a chance at a regular relationship. I'll never have that here. I know in the back of my mind I'll continue to have doubts. Many people feel that I should try to stick this out for the kids. Some have even suggested an open relationship. I could never be ok with an open relationship. When I'm in a relationship, I'm in it 110%. I feel like my kids need to see what a normal marriage is...this is not it. Plus, I'm not even sure I could ever have an intimate relationship with my husband again without me feeling awkward or uncomfortable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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