littlelaxer Posted December 31, 2004 Share Posted December 31, 2004 So the ex and i have been broken up for 3 months.....the past month he has been driving me crazy. He calls me, textes me, he even textes me to find out when im working and says he will come in but if he cant make it that day he will text and say he will be in the next day and he shows up. I dont evne ask him to come in. When we would talk he would be nosey to see if i was talking to anyone, and he would have to add "well im not dating anyone, its just me by myself". Im like wow thanks for sharring. he would find reasons to call or text or even find reasons to try and get me to hang out. Finally i couldnt take this stuff anymore, i was done with the games. So i got the guts and called him and told him i could not be friends with him. Said that i still have feelings for him, and i was ntot sure what his intentions were because all of a sudden he has been paying so much attention to me, having so much intrest in my life. And that i just could not take it. He asked if he could still call me i said i didnt know. he keep saying he wasnt expecting to hear this adn junk. He was liek how about we give it a couple weeks or a month and see what happens (not sure what he was emplying) i was like i dont think so. He asked me to call him when i wanted to talk i said NO u call ME when ur ready to talk. This occured sunday the 26th. The next day around 2 am i see his screen name sign off. I didnt even know he was on. He is never on, he doesnt have internet. I think the last time he was on was a month ago, which was the begining of us talking. Before that it must of been 6 months. He doesnt even have any buddies. His list includes me, my sister, his family and my best firend. A total of 9 people...... TOday toi my supirse at work he shows up......i work in the mall so yeah its a free country......but he didnt have to come in if he saw me working, and he came in my line to check out. I mean COME on......he did not have to come in after sundays converstion. So now im confused once again....what does he want??????????? Link to post Share on other sites
missopinionated Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 Do you want him around or not? If you do, then tell him. If not, then tell him that and tell him not to call, write, e-mail, text or in any other way contact you. And then tell him if he does, you'll make damned sure he can't. Don't give an inch. If you want him to stop and he doesn't, then report him, get some friends to support you and make it really hard for him to be anywhere near you. Link to post Share on other sites
DewDrop Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 If doesn't back down get a restraining order. Link to post Share on other sites
smile Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 Sooo you want him back but you dont want him as just a friend? Is that right? I dunno did you give him a chance to answer and say what he wants. Maybe you need to have a long talk.. not angry or with your defenses up.. just talk. About what you want about what he wants.. then lie some boundaries. Maybe he has something to say.. mayeb he feels like you didnt give him chance to say how he feels. Or maybe he is creepy and clingy and you need to involve mall security or whatever. But unless i missed something it seems like you just assumed he didnt want you and threw him out.. if you really have feelings for him listen to him... you never know. Take care and if it gets weird dont be afraid to tell someone. Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 It seems to me like he is making a decent effort to make his presence known. However, I get the feeling that he expects you to say something. Many folks are afraid to bring up a relationship with an ex if they are the dumper. It may have something to do with the awkwardness of the subject matter, or in the case of men, the male ego trying to protect personal pride. In this situation, I feel he should be the one to step up to the plate and start talking. Doing so would be a sign of respect for both you and your relationship, and would clear your mind of any doubt you've been having. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like he is ready to take that leap of initiating the conversation. IMO, he is hoping that he can substitute his "appearances" (text messages, work visits, etc.) for a conversation about you two. You have to decide if his effort has been satisfactory or if you feel like you want to keep waiting on him. The good news is that I do believe his interests likely lie in working on the relationship because he has put far too much effort into just being friends. Do you all agree with this? I don't know many guys who would try this hard just to be friendly with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
ajogokats Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 ...of why a lot of us MUST have NC. Some people are driven to near madness by people like this, I'm not as bad as he is but I realized I was getting there then I backed off,thank God. You must tell him what he is doing to you or he wont stop. He doesnt realize what he's doing to you,he's still in the relationship mode and thinks you are too. Stay on here when you need help,and LISTEN to what the majority of these people are saying,cause they know from experience, good luck hon, AJ. Link to post Share on other sites
XNemesisX Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 You want him back? You still have feelings for him? But you don't want him to stick around??? WHAT? He is not trying to be friends, he is trying to get you back! DUH!!! When we would talk he would be nosey to see if i was talking to anyone, and he would have to add "well im not dating anyone, its just me by myself". Im like wow thanks for sharring. he would find reasons to call or text or even find reasons to try and get me to hang out. Come on! Surely you know what he is doing! If you still have feelings for him and want him back then let him talk to you! He obviously doesn't know how to just come right out and say that he wants you back! Girl, there are people on this phorum (myself included) that would LOVE to be in your shoes. Look at the tell-tale signs of your scenario. The boy wants ya back! Good luck! (and don't be too prideful - do what makes ya happy!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlelaxer Posted January 1, 2005 Author Share Posted January 1, 2005 THank you all for all ur replies. I understand where u all are comming from. THough i dont think he is in the crazy, stalker stage. I guess im just bothered because hes the one that let me go, so why doesnt he if he doesnt want a relationship. And why doesnt he speak up, why cant he get the guts. I tried to talk about it, maybe i did suprise him when i brought the whole thing up, but he has had 3 months to think about all this junk.......im just so tired of wondering what he wants. i dont want a friendship with him, it would only prolong the heartache, ya know. ANd i told him that...........when i talked to him all he could say was he was sorry i felt that way about the whole thing.....maybe that was his way of saying "im sorry i dont feel the same" but at the same time, why continue to come to my work......geez boys Link to post Share on other sites
missopinionated Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 Is that Newfoundland there?... "Geeze boys" Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlelaxer Posted January 1, 2005 Author Share Posted January 1, 2005 so i couldnt take it much longer..........i called him up. heres the conversation: me-"hey u busy i got to say something" him-"what is it" me-"You are driving me crazy" he sighs again him-"i dont understand how im doing that" me- "you came into my work, did u have to do that?" him-"i didnt know u were working" me-"ok, well i just need you to tell me u want nothing to do to with me if u dont" him- "i dont want anything to do with u" me- "ok then leave me alone" him- "ok" me- bye Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlelaxer Posted January 1, 2005 Author Share Posted January 1, 2005 oops sorry, iment to keep writing...................................i just do not understand why he would say this.....i guess i got my answer. but all the signs were showing he wanted to work on this or at least talk about things..................i jsut dont understand it. I dont think i was wrong for calling him because i just couldnt take it anymore. I guess hes just not that into me. BUt how could he do all of that before???? Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 Originally posted by littlelaxer oops sorry, iment to keep writing...................................i just do not understand why he would say this.....i guess i got my answer. but all the signs were showing he wanted to work on this or at least talk about things..................i jsut dont understand it. I dont think i was wrong for calling him because i just couldnt take it anymore. I guess hes just not that into me. BUt how could he do all of that before???? My feeling is that he wants to talk about things but is very uncomortable being put on the spot. Unfortunatelty, if he's not going to step forward, you may have to see if he will agree to an in-person meeting to get him to open up and explain why he is acting this way. I will reiterate that he is putting in too much effort into being just friends, which is why I think all hope is not yet lost. What does everyone else think? Link to post Share on other sites
smile Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 Well heres what I think. It seems that he was slowly edging back into something with you. He may have felt weird about breaking up and a little trepedatious... walking on eggshells ya know? That conversation seemed a little harsh. I think he reacted very defensively, as if he was being attacked. I am not sure why you two broke up but my ex and I broke up because I was jealous and accusatory. So when he started hanging around the first time and we were together I just went nuts and said "do I have the right to be jealous if you go out with an other girl" he asked what I meant and I asked "are we back together or are you just f&^king with me?" ok so he got mad and defensive because at that point he may have been teetering but the reminiscene of the bad stuff in our relationship pushed him over the edge. Communication is big part of a relationship. You have to learn how to ask something like that. Based upon both of your responses I would say neither of you have grown enough or learned enough from this breakup to be together. That sucks to hear and I hate saying it but when you do grow enough and you do come back to eachother it is so incredible. There is so much potential in a relationship... a love relationship.. but sometimes pride and fear work its way in and mess everything up. Take a deep breath and realize he still cares about you. He may be a little mixed up right now. Give him space and time.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author littlelaxer Posted January 1, 2005 Author Share Posted January 1, 2005 Thank you both for ur responces....i needed to hear something from someone. I believe yea maybe i caught him off gaurd again, but what else am i to do. i am going to see what he does. i just feel awful right now. I do believe through this break up i have grown so much. i have realized what i had been doing wrong, and what needed to be worked on. just him doing all this junk has really messed me up. I believe he is the one who needs to do some growing. I just need to know if there is still hope....... Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted January 1, 2005 Share Posted January 1, 2005 Originally posted by littlelaxer Thank you both for ur responces....i needed to hear something from someone. I believe yea maybe i caught him off gaurd again, but what else am i to do. i am going to see what he does. i just feel awful right now. I do believe through this break up i have grown so much. i have realized what i had been doing wrong, and what needed to be worked on. just him doing all this junk has really messed me up. I believe he is the one who needs to do some growing. I just need to know if there is still hope....... It sounds like his growing has been slow and has just begun to surface. I believe, given some time and space, that he will talk. I think NC is a good idea for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
iceisles Posted January 2, 2005 Share Posted January 2, 2005 I think your situation is a textbook illustration of the importance of time and space in a relationship. After an initial period of NC, he apparently took time to think things over and slowly worked his way back into your life. With him giving such strong signals that he was "back" by coming into your job, sending you text messages, etc., I think most people would have thought that he was ready to talk. In retrospect, this may have been the early stages of him coming out of his shell. Many times the dumpers are hesitant to bring up the breakup in the conversation, and I think they will take any direct questions pertaining to it as a personal attack until they are emotionally ready to discuss those issues. No matter how you addressed the issue of the relationship, he was going to divert it through projected indifference or frustration because he was not yet ready to talk about it. In my opinion, a strict period of NC is the best answer right now. This will accomplish a number of things. First, it will give him time to reflect on your phone call. Second, it will give you some needed emotional space from him. Finally, by giving him space and distance, he won't feel so "threatened" by the prospect of having to immediately handle enough tough question right away. I believe, in time, he will talk. And though it is hard to be accurate with a timeframe, his recent actions may suggest that your wait won't be very long. After all, many folks on here don't ever hear from their ex - much less have them come into their job several times. Certainly yesterday's phone call was discouraging, but don't throw in the towel just yet. I believe there is still plenty of light in this tunnel, but it will require some patience on your part. NC typically benefits the dumpee more, but in this case, I think it will be equally useful for both him and you. What I would like to toss out to everyone else is - how should she respond when he contacts her again? On one hand, the only acceptable interaction should involve a conversation about the relationship. However, we don't want her inadvertently pushing him away by ignoring apparently insignificant text messages, etc. Stay strong, and I promise you'll get through this. Good things do happen to good people. Link to post Share on other sites
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