Monodare1 Posted December 1, 2013 Share Posted December 1, 2013 (edited) Hi guys Wonder if u can help. In my routine passing over of my son today, the stbxw had a go at me for not taking my son for a full weekend (fri to sun). Now I love my son with all my heart and as I live with my 88 year old elderly father I have no back up, I have to be there for my son the whole time (which again I don't mind). After some questioning as to why this has suddenly been brought up (I get my son from 1pm sat until 4pm sun), it turns out her mum, her ex step dad and brother are all going to visit New York this coming January. So it seems that this sudden change in the 6 month status quo has been motivated by that. Please do not get me wrong, I love my son with all my heart and would fight for custody if it wasn't for the sake that uk law always favours the mother and I don't have the financial means for a big legal fight. That said, I don't want to end up a glorified babysitter allowing my stbxw cart Blanche at weekends for maximum social activity and meeting someone else while I stay single until my fifties. I want to see my son and be a good dad but still have the option of maybe having another relationship down the line. I suggested a compromise where I get my son for a full weekend then the stbxw gets him for a full weekend etc, but she blew that right out the window. I'd love to see. Him during the week but I live too far away and can't drive so I am limited to weekends and she is even restricting FaceTime access during the week yet complaining about the weekends. Does anyone have any opinions? I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. Edited December 1, 2013 by Monodare1 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 That is tough. My STBXW does similar things where she'll drop a bomb on me at the last minute that I need to look after our daughter from X to Y. And it's because she's got some social commitment (nails, date nightm whatever). I'm of the mind that if I've got nothing going on, I'll take my child everytime. But I'll still give my STBXW a hard time about it. But if I've got other things going one, I'll tell her tough luck. Although I'm always fearful she's just going to pawn off our daughter to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Hmm I'm sorry but I don't understand what would be ideal for you. Having him every 2 weekends instead of every weekend? I know many fathers who are not even allowed to take their kid or take it only on holidays. I think you are blessed to be able to take him every weekend. I don't really see a problem tbh. If you find another woman some day, she will have to be totally ok with the fact that you have a son and you spend your weekends with him. I understand that for most women this would be a deal breaker, but between us, would you even want a woman who would see your kid as a burden? You can see a girlfriend after work on workdays and on weekends she has to be aware that if she wants to spend time with you this will be together with your son or after he goes to sleep. I'm sorry but I always prioritize kids' over parents' personal lives. The kid has suffered enough with divorce, his dad leaving home, staying in 2 homes, maybe fights between his parents. Do you think he deserves to go through more fighting? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 Hmm I'm sorry but I don't understand what would be ideal for you. Having him every 2 weekends instead of every weekend? I know many fathers who are not even allowed to take their kid or take it only on holidays. I think you are blessed to be able to take him every weekend. I don't really see a problem tbh. If you find another woman some day, she will have to be totally ok with the fact that you have a son and you spend your weekends with him. I understand that for most women this would be a deal breaker, but between us, would you even want a woman who would see your kid as a burden? You can see a girlfriend after work on workdays and on weekends she has to be aware that if she wants to spend time with you this will be together with your son or after he goes to sleep. I'm sorry but I always prioritize kids' over parents' personal lives. The kid has suffered enough with divorce, his dad leaving home, staying in 2 homes, maybe fights between his parents. Do you think he deserves to go through more fighting? So because he had a kid he is never allowed to have a weekend again ? While she is free to ho out and Do whatever she wants while having a free babysitter ? That doesn't sound very equal to me. She already has the kids.... and now she gets to tell him when he has them? I dont think So. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Iguanna Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 So because he had a kid he is never allowed to have a weekend again ? While she is free to ho out and Do whatever she wants while having a free babysitter ? That doesn't sound very equal to me. She already has the kids.... and now she gets to tell him when he has them? I dont think So. She has the kid 5 times a week and he has it 2. If you call the kid's father a "free babysitter" then I can't have a discussion with you... I'm sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
thinkingofhim Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 If you're not going to bother to sort out a legal custody arrangement I don't see why you're complaining Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 What's best for your son under the circumstances? That has to be the primary consideration on both sides. I'd try to find a way to have your son while your wife is out of the country with her family this once. Yes, maybe it will turn into once per year but I'm not following where this equates to you giving up every weekend for the rest of your life while she's out gallivanting. The trip to NY is a family vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted December 2, 2013 Author Share Posted December 2, 2013 As an update, they have decided instead to go on a family summer holiday instead. I have to reiterate that I love my son deeply and will make sure I'm the best father I can be given the circumstances. I apologise for seeming selfish regards me mention of a social life, I just don't want to be alone. I know that the stbxw will eventually move on, she's just 29 and has time on her side, I'll soon be 37 and feel time ticking away. I don't want to give up the chance to find love again, while she uses every weekend to replace me. I wouldn't just benefit if I met another woman and became truly happy, my son would too. How do single fathers who need to devote their weekend to be with their children find love again? Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted December 2, 2013 Share Posted December 2, 2013 As an update, they have decided instead to go on a family summer holiday instead. I have to reiterate that I love my son deeply and will make sure I'm the best father I can be given the circumstances. I apologise for seeming selfish regards me mention of a social life, I just don't want to be alone. I know that the stbxw will eventually move on, she's just 29 and has time on her side, I'll soon be 37 and feel time ticking away. I don't want to give up the chance to find love again, while she uses every weekend to replace me. I wouldn't just benefit if I met another woman and became truly happy, my son would too. How do single fathers who need to devote their weekend to be with their children find love again? I just wanted to say from one 37 year old single father to another, give your head a shake. Your son is going to benefit from being with YOU, not some other women you decide is the love of your life. You keep saying you want to be the best father you can be. Then PROVE it. Spend every possible minute you can with your son while he needs you the most. If you take care of that, all the other things in your life that you want will follow. I don't know you from Jack, but the way you keep talking, if another women showed up in your life, I'd hate to see any priority raking with your son change. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted December 3, 2013 Share Posted December 3, 2013 Move closer to your son and try a different custody arrangement. If you did every Monday Tuesday and every second weekend, you be at 50/50 and still have a couple of weekends a month for grown up stuff. Time to start prioritising. Make it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Monodare1 Posted December 3, 2013 Author Share Posted December 3, 2013 I do put my son first and moving to where the stbx wife lives is what caused a major issue between us in the first place, not to mention I can Afford to move anywhere just now. The trouble is she is walking all over me in this pre divorce battle, I need to win something here. I'm not the type of person who has ever hated someone, until now. I don't want my son to suffer in this, but I don't want to me treated like sh@t by her, get walked over then lay down some more so she can wipe her feet on me. She's got my house, the car, all the contents of the house, left me in heaps of debt and has my son all week, sure I deserve something out of all this. I can see the force if I had actually been a bad husband or cheated or something, but I didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
K Os Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) I hear you. I have a 50/50 agreement, thrashed out in mediation, that doesn't actually work. There's always something... I would try to treat the family holiday as a one-off, and be happy you'll see your son for longer then. But is there any reason why this would have to become the new normal? You could arrange it all sorts of ways - for example, 2 weeks in a row Friday to Sunday, then 2 weeks Saturday to Sunday. That gives you more time with him than you have now, and two Friday nights free in the month. Or many other permutations. I know you want to be with him absolutely as much as possible, but in your case right now I agree, you need to win one here for yourself. Btw, have you thought about mediation? It helped with my situation, and it's a different thing from divorce lawyers. Edited December 4, 2013 by K Os Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted December 4, 2013 Share Posted December 4, 2013 I do put my son first and moving to where the stbx wife lives is what caused a major issue between us in the first place, not to mention I can Afford to move anywhere just now. The trouble is she is walking all over me in this pre divorce battle, I need to win something here. I'm not the type of person who has ever hated someone, until now. I don't want my son to suffer in this, but I don't want to me treated like sh@t by her, get walked over then lay down some more so she can wipe her feet on me. She's got my house, the car, all the contents of the house, left me in heaps of debt and has my son all week, sure I deserve something out of all this. I can see the force if I had actually been a bad husband or cheated or something, but I didn't. And people are saying the courts aren't biased. Link to post Share on other sites
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