ex girlfriend wants me back but im seeing someone else

[blakdrake]

First off, the break we went through was mostly a mutual thing, and now I am in a situation that im not sure how to control.

 

I was in a relationship for almost 8 years with a girl I met on craigslist of all places. We spoke through emails for a couple months before we decided to meet. We met on her Birthday and she came over to my house to watch a movie with me. I think at the time we were both testing the water to see where things might go. This was my first true relationship and maybe I plunged in blindly, maybe I didn't. I had walked her to her car and said that I had a good time and hoped we could get together again. She said that she would like that and a week later I went to her house for Dinner. We ended up going out for chinese food and then took a drive up' to a really nice park were we spent time talking about what we wanted from life.

 

Fast forward 6 months, she was pregnant with our first child. I had proposed to her and she said yes, I thought I was living the dream. When My daughter turned about 3 she was pregnant again with my first son and then again 4 years later with my youngest son.

 

Now that kids are in the equation I thought we would be together forever.

 

We had always had financial troubles in the past, I was finding it hard to hold a job and we ended up almost being evicted several times due to my work habbits. Somehow we always managed to pull through. We had settled in a nice little apartment complex and she became a stay at home mom while I went to work. Jobs became a little more stable and we seemed to be doing pretty well.

 

I would work long hours and when I got home I would want to put my feet up and relax, interact with the kiddos and play my game for a bit. I will admit now that I am a big time gamer, have to say getting my PS3 was probably my biggest mistake I have ever made.

 

Now the problem comes in.

 

We had lived next to this single dad for 4 years and never really talked to him other then a passing hello. Fathers day last year came along and me and the other guy decided to go out for a couple beers at the local bar. After that we became good friends and he would come over and hang out with me and my fiance'.

 

My kids started to get attached to this guy and he would bring them his sons old toys that he had outgrown. I had just started to work at walmart and my hours were usually around 25 to 35 hours a week but with the bus I was gone all day. The guy (lets call him bob) asked me if I minded him going over to my house while I was at work to hang out since his son was in school and he liked to visit with his friends. Now im a nice guy, and obviously too trusting and told him i didn't mind.

 

im an idiot

 

My fiance started to get feelings for this guy and like the attention she was getting from him. I wasn't home and worked long hours and yes my stupid PS3 was on on my days off. I understand completely that I have some blame to this as well.

 

My fiance and I started to grow apart, I spent more time on the couch then with her, she was moody and I was easily aggravated.

 

Then one night I tried to be romantic and re-kindle what we lost and she shrugged me off, I asked what was wrong and she told me that she didnt love me anymore. I was mad and hurt and left to go to the bar and have a drink while i tried to make sense of what had happened.

 

Turns out, while we were together the last couple of months, she was developing feelings for the other guy. She asked me to move out becuase "she didnt want me to get my feelings hurt" by seeing her with the other guy.

 

To make a horribly long story short, I ended moving in with my parents temporarily until I could save money for my own place since I didnt have anywhere else to go. I was devastated for a couple weeks and cried more in that time then I have in my whole life. I eventually decided to move on and started to talk with another woman online. we exchanged some emails and then started talking on the phone. We now talk everyday on the phone, and have even gone out to breakfast together.

 

I have been talking to her for about 1.5 to 2 months now and am starting to develop feelings for her. We share a lot of same interests and both have kids and both are single parents. (well, I kind of am, my kids still live with my ex.) It wasn't until a few days ago that my ex had expressed interest in getting back together and trying to make it work. She explained she wanted to make it different this time and talk more instead of bottling everything up. I feel like I was pretty hurt when she left me, even filed child support against me. I am starting to like this other woman a lot more and end up thinking about her every day. I think I have lost all interest in my ex, but again I am faced with a couple of problems:

 

1. I am too trusting and too nice

2. I want to be able to see my kids more and not have to worry about child support

3. I really like this other girl

4. I remember the history me and my ex have had and remember a lot of good times.

 

 

this has been our first breakup and has been about two and a half months.

 

I don't know what to do, pursue the other woman or go back to my ex.

I just need some suggestions on what I need to do to move forward at this point. I had even arranged to meet my ex over coffee in a public place tomorrow to so what would happen.

 

sorry about the long story, I just wanted to cover my bases. and if age means anything, im 31 now and she is 35

 

 

One more thing I want to note before I finish editing this post: When I proposed to her and she said yes, we were engaged up until the time we split up. When she called me on the phone today she said that she was sorry that she put it off for so long but she wants to get married and she wants me to be there and marry me. This is what i've been looking for, but I don't know if I should go back to her becuase if we get married and she does this again, a divorce will be a lot more difficult.

Edited December 2, 2013 by blakdrake
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[Axee]

Will you be able to trust her again?

You really have to talk to your ex as to why she developed feelings for the other guy and now she wants to get back to you..

Even children are involved in this situation..The new woman may be temporary.. so do not take any decision keeping her in mind.

 

Take care and consider very seriously every decision again

[2fargone]

8 years, first breakup. Let's assume she learned something important here, and possibly you too.

I'd say if you want to, get back with her. But for her, not 'for the kids' or whatever. If it doesn't work you'll know soon enough.

[d0nnivain]

The woman you are dating 2.5 months after the break up of your 8 year relationship / engagement to the mother of your children is a placeholder, rebound.

 

If your EX is serious & you are willing to get some counseling, for your kids' sake I think you owe it to yourself to try for reconciliation.

[2fargone]

The woman you are dating 2.5 months after the break up of your 8 year relationship / engagement to the mother of your children is a placeholder, rebound.

 

If your EX is serious & you are willing to get some counseling, for your kids' sake I think you owe it to yourself to try for reconciliation.

 

 

 

Right... How does 'for your kids sake' relate to 'you owe it to yourself' ?

[Babolat]

Are you dating the new woman, or just "onlining" messages with her?

 

Ask yourself, what's changed with you, and what's changed with the ex.

 

I agree on the rebound comment. i also agree you were probably devasted and hurt by your ex, and, this will be hard to do.

 

You can't go back to "what was" though; there needs to be change.

[d0nnivain]

Right... How does 'for your kids sake' relate to 'you owe it to yourself' ?

 

 

 

Mending a relationship with their mother to preserve the family unit is the best outcome for everybody if the EX is genuinely sorry & works with the OP to fix this.

[Keenly]

Mending a relationship with their mother to preserve the family unit is the best outcome for everybody if the EX is genuinely sorry & works with the OP to fix this.

 

I have too much respect for myself to be with some one " because of the kids " . Hopefully did guy Does to. She kicked him out because she wanted some one else. Sometimes its better for the parents to not be together, than to stay and be miserable.

[blakdrake]

Mending a relationship with their mother to preserve the family unit is the best outcome for everybody if the EX is genuinely sorry & works with the OP to fix this.

 

 

So you think I should go back? she said she has a NC with the other guy now, but he is still the neighbor and if I go back he will still be around

[blakdrake]

Will you be able to trust her again?

You really have to talk to your ex as to why she developed feelings for the other guy and now she wants to get back to you..

Even children are involved in this situation..The new woman may be temporary.. so do not take any decision keeping her in mind.

 

Take care and consider very seriously every decision again

 

She said the reason she had feeling for the neighbor was because he gave her more attention then I did. However I was the only one working and was never home. Granted when I was home I did play my game. In my defense though I constantly tried to get her to do something with me like a movie or a board game, anything we could have done together. She never wanted to so yes I played my game instead.

[Keenly]

If it happens once, its like 90% that it will happen again with the next guy that shows her a little attention. While you are out there busting your ass to support your family.

[blakdrake]

Ok now assuming I do go back with my ex, what do I say to this other woman? Like I said before I am a very nice guy and don't want to hurt anyone. I understand I have some choices to make and I know I can't have the best of both worlds, but this woman Im speaking with makes me happy in our morning messages.

[blakdrake]

Are you dating the new woman, or just "onlining" messages with her?

 

Ask yourself, what's changed with you, and what's changed with the ex.

 

I agree on the rebound comment. i also agree you were probably devasted and hurt by your ex, and, this will be hard to do.

 

You can't go back to "what was" though; there needs to be change.

 

As far as dating goes, we have met up in person a couple of times, had breakfast together always has been in a public place. We both have each others numbers so we constantly text each other and call each other once a night.

 

As far as change, I think I am better as a person, I have my priorities in order now, I just got a promotion at work, I make good money, and I keep my family close. As far as I know not much has changed with my ex, other then her not having my support through my paychecks. dont get me wrong I still buy things my kids need, but I think she feels like she is drowning and needs me to rescue her. She said all these positive things to me on the phone but I don't know if they are genuine or desperate calls for help.

[Iguanna]

I can see you used to have a big love with your fiance and you used to be happy together. Some bad circumstances created this whole drama. Now she wants a second chance and I think you should give it to her not only for the kids (which is the most important reason) but also for you cause I can see you still love her but you are hurt. I suggest you start meeting outside the house, like dating once again, go for walks with the kids, having fun, cause this is what you both missed more: the fun. Talk with her, demand from her to go NC with the neighbor, and put a schedule regarding PS3. Find some hobbies you can make on weekends together, have parents keep the kids one day of the week so you spend a whole evening alone and in general try to rebuild your relationship. Keeping a marriage alive is a hard thing to do and it needs effort. For those who only care to have fun and enjoy life without compromising it's better to stay single. As for the wedding, you can wait for it for another year, you have waited for 8 already. Just wait to see if things can and will be fixed.

[BenC]

It's a small red flag that she wants to now get married right off the bat before even technically getting back with you. I would first see if maybe her and her boyfriend / neighbor had a fight / broke up and where that stands, as you could be the rebound to that.

 

But having said that, if you have feelings for her still, it would be worth trying to rekindle that and see how much the two of you have grown.

 

Ben

[d0nnivain]

So you think I should go back? she said she has a NC with the other guy now, but he is still the neighbor and if I go back he will still be around

 

 

I think you should figure out what is best for your kids. Sometimes that is an intact family. However, if the adult relationship is too far broken, having civil parents who are apart is better.

 

 

I think as a condition of a full reconciliation, you all may need to move if the OM still lives next door. That is too close for comfort.

 

 

Because you have kids, how is it going to hurt anything to hear out your EX face to face & determine if she's sincere. Many couples get through a bought of infidelity.

[Jmk21]

Wow so how long has she known this guy before she asked you to leave your home?

 

Before I forget. Do NOT move back into that apt unless you want to see some dude that broke up your family and been banging the socks off your ex.

 

He knew you guys had kids/engagement it's not like she just picked him up saying shes single. He's a homewrecker and KNEW about it all. **** him, and her

[stillafool]

She said the reason she had feeling for the neighbor was because he gave her more attention then I did. However I was the only one working and was never home. Granted when I was home I did play my game. In my defense though I constantly tried to get her to do something with me like a movie or a board game, anything we could have done together. She never wanted to so yes I played my game instead.

 

This is a bad sign. Needy women will cheat. What will happen the next time you are busy working to support your family and not giving Miss Needy enough attention? She will cheat again. Why doesn't she spend her time taking care of her little kids instead of constantly looking for male attention. I wouldn't go back to her.

[Meadowgreen]

This is a bad sign. Needy women will cheat. What will happen the next time you are busy working to support your family and not giving Miss Needy enough attention? She will cheat again. Why doesn't she spend her time taking care of her little kids instead of constantly looking for male attention. I wouldn't go back to her.

 

Very wise words. I appreciate that there was a lot of love here but this woman is very starved of self-esteem. She doesn't seem to be able to function unless she's got a big strong man to validate her. OP it's by no means an easy decision and it's one only you can make, but you know what they say about leopards and spots...

[Jules78]

Very wise words. I appreciate that there was a lot of love here but this woman is very starved of self-esteem. She doesn't seem to be able to function unless she's got a big strong man to validate her. OP it's by no means an easy decision and it's one only you can make, but you know what they say about leopards and spots...

 

This is the truth! Be very careful and tread lightly. Best of luck to you!