Newlyweds having problems

[pag78]

Background: My wife (25) and I (26) recently married August 28th. We had been dating for about 3 1/2 years and had a great relationship. She had been married before for about 3 years and divorced right before we got together. We had been living together before we got married and still stay in the same spot.

 

The first couple of months of marriage were great. No fighting and no real changes. She decided to go off of birth control right around Halloween and it has been a downward spiral ever since. Now she is not sure if she loves me and she says she needs her space. She says she has things to figure out in her head and that she is not sure if she is ready for commitment. I really don't know what to do. She hangs out at her parents house all day long and has pretty much withdrawn herself from the relationship. We talked about her moving out so she can figure things out, but I am afraid that if she goes, she might not come back.

 

How can she not be sure if she is in love with me anymore? She says the pill has had an effect on her hormones and she thinks that is the reason why she feels this way. Is this true, or is there someone else. I have asked her many times if there was someone else, but she says no. It is hard for me to believe that her hormones are doing this to her, but maybe they are.

 

She doesn't really want anything to do with me anymore. Doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to touch, doesn't want to be in the same room. It pains me inside because all I want is for this to work. I told her that she has to be willing to work at the marriage in order for it to work. She says she is trying, but I don't see it.

 

What should I do?

[indigo_moon]

So it was definitely the "Pill" she was on, and not the birth control shot Depo-Provera?? (the latter has really screwed up a lot of women and can take some time to work it's way out of the body). If she thinks it was the Pill that made her feel this way, then that should be the first place to start........but her seeing her doctor/gynecologist and explaining what's going on.....they can test her hormone levels and see what's up. Some women have a really hard time ON the Pill.....so it's possible this is what's going on. Maybe she's become depressed, too. Is she willing to try to get to the bottom of this? To go to the doctor? (there are some women who get really screwed up from oral contraceptives but it generally smooths over once they stop the pills but every woman is different, depending on how it affected her/her hormone levels).

 

Can you share your concerns with her Mom? See if maybe she can pursuade her to see her doctor? How is your relationship with her Mom? She's obviously close to her parents if she's spending that much time there so seeing if her Mom could help ,if she's opposed to seeing her doctor, m ight be the way to go................I do know for a fact that in many women, the Pill can totally decrease sex drive.

[pag78]

Yes, she was on Ortho Tri-cyclen. She was only on it for about 3 or so years. I have tried to talk to her mom and she says she doesn't know what is wrong with her. I am kind of close with her parents, I mean we get along. But you would think that her parents would tell her to go home and make her marriage work, don't you think? I have asked her about what her parents say, and she says they just tell her to go with her heart, which kinda tells me that maybe they aren't too fond of me. I mean, if they were, don't you think they would tell her to try and make it work.

 

I recently found her at her parents house and she was looking for divorce laywers to see what were her "routes." Whatever the hell that means. It seems like she would rather quit then try and make it work. This has been going on for a month now (the whole mood swing thing). Should I wait it out and have her live with me? Have her move out to figure things out?

 

She wanted to go back on the pill to try and even herself out, but I said no because if it is the pill, I don't want to go through this all over again. I figured a month or two more and it will be all over. (hopefully)

 

I have a hard time giving her her space too. I am a guy and when there is a problem, guys want to fix it. Thats how I am. Should I try playing "hard to get." Act a little more colder towards her? I feel if I do that though, it might just end the relationship that much easier.

 

Thank you for all your help.

[Debster]

I have heard (though I don't know if I believe it) but that when a woman is on the pill it throws off her scent. Apparently in the olden days, a woman would be able to find her mate by scent. She would know by his scent that he is her mate. The pill throws off a woman's ability to sniff her mate out. Now that she is off the pill, she doesn't know if you are the mate.

 

It sounds like a bunch of malarky to me, but apparently some people really believe this.

[FolderWife]

Well, obviously, get her back on birth control!

[pag78]

well she just packed and left for her parents. And I don't know if she is coming back.

[Thinkalot]

sorry to hear that, I hope soon you can talk together. I wish you all the best.

[Ladyjane14]

The birth control thing sounds like an excuse to me. It's true that whatever can affect the hormone level, can also affect mood. But if she were concerned about it, she'd have taken it up with her GYN first thing.

 

It's somewhat telling that she made her move after the Christmas holiday, almost as if she may have had it in mind already.

 

I don't think applying pressure is going to help your situation though.

[FolderWife]

What did you do wrong?

[Cecelius]

Run, do not walk, to the closest divorce lawyer. You may be able to get a divorce just based on abandonement.

 

She's off her rocker and she is going to shaft you if she can.

 

You can be supportive and so forth with her and hope she has the best, but this is insane.

[pag78]

Nothing. Thats what she says. It's not me it's her. She has just fallen out of love with me and wants to be true to her heart and needs time to figure out if she wants to be with me.

 

What should I do? How long should I wait? It's not really fair to me, I think. Also, even if she does come back, what guarantee is there that she won't do this again.

 

She says there is noone else. I have driven by her parents house and her car is always there, and everytime I call her she answers the phone. I called her best friend and she says there is no one else, also. Could it be that she just all of a sudden have fallen out of love with me?

 

I thought marriage was supposed to be forever. Worst of all she doesn't want to get any help or advice from anyone. I know I shouldn't be calling her, but my heart aches so much.

 

If there was a reason for this (ie another guy) it would be so much easier to deal with. But the fact of not knowing anything kills inside. She calls me 2-3 times a day since she has left and she came over last night for some more items, and it is still the same.

 

Any advice????????????

[pag78]

Could this be a part of post bridal depression? I heard that on these boards somewhere.

[blind_otter]

It could very well be hormones. I was on the pill for 4 years, went off it, and went into a deep depression. Only now that I am suffer postpartum depression have I realized - I was suffering from VERY similiar issues.

 

I also went off the pill when I got married and it was rocky. I was so depressed. You can't really work on fixing your marriage when you're depressed, because you can't even fix yourself.

 

I feel for you, I wish I could tell you how to help. But I withdraw, myself. I stop answering the phone, curl up in a ball, and cry like a baby. No man can deal with that bullsh*t.

 

On edit - I was actually put back ON the pill to help with my postpartum depression!

[pag78]

Wow thank you so much. At least I have one person who has gone through something similar. That gives me a little hope.

 

I am sorry that you went through all this, though. What did you want your husband to do for you while you were going through this. She says it's a feeling she can't explain. She doesn't want help and she thinks that she can fix the problem herself, but I don't think so. Is it best for me to just stay away? Not call or write her? It just seems if I do that, that I am letting her go and making it easier for her to go.

 

Please blind_otter, if you are still around, can you pleasee give me some insight. Everyone else says I should leave her, but you may be the only one who understands what she is going through.

[blind_otter]

My husband moved out. He was so frustrated with me, and was having legal problems. I still loved him but my depression was so great that I couldn't express it. I couldn't even feel love for MYSELF, how could I be tender to him? I thought I was broken, that I couldn't BE fixed, I wanted him to be free to find someone who could feel for him like I did, but who could actually show him, and give him what he wants.

 

It was better that he left. We stayed in touch. After a few months I started getting better. But he ended up having to go to prison for his legal problems, and I acted out self-destructively. Now, he wants nothing to do with me. You can only hurt a person so much before they push YOU away.

 

I wish I had better advice. He still calls, I still love him, but he is cold, we barely speak. There's that Patty Smythe and Don Henley Song, "Sometimes love just aint enough" - that's how I feel. I love him, but the circumstances didn't allow us to work it out.

 

Depression is an inherintly selfish emotion. It pulls you into a pit, where all you can see, feel, or think about is your own deep anguish. It blinds you to the help others offer, and often prevents you from reaching out for help you desperately need.

[pag78]

Thank you for your help. What is the best advice that you can give me. Should i just leave her be? Should I make her go get help. Should I just leave her alone? Is it best that she is at her moms? Or should I just call it quits?

[blind_otter]

you can't force someone to get help. let her go and find her way - she'll either fight her way out of this, or she won't.

[jmargel]

My wife (gf at the time) got on birth control and she changed into a different person. It was like another woman, who I didn't want to be with. She felt awful and got off of them. We then got engaged, she had fun (but stressed) time planning the wedding, and the wedding day came. The wedding was great, everything fell into place. For the first month things were great, then she changed, like your wife. I think with your case its a combination of birth control, and post wedding blues. I mean, every woman longs for that day to get married, and now it's gone. My wife went through the same thing.

 

We had marriage counseling and her past also played a big role in how she was behaving. What I have learned and maybe you might want to take as some advice is to let her come to you. It could be she got so caught up in everything, that she was planning a wedding, not a marriage. Marriage takes some work everyday to improve things, its a way to show how much you love the other person.

 

This will be hard, but don't call her. Let her continue calling you. Don't ask for her to come back, etc.. Tell her (and follow this) that you are getting counseling for yourself and if she wishes to come you would welcome that. However, don't push her into it. She has to make that choice herself or she will be going in with resentment. She can just also be panicing as well, and forgetting to enjoy what marriage is all about. It's not all about sacrifices.

 

When she does call, there is nothing wrong with asking her out to eat, or some place fun. If all you two do is stay home at the house, then you are just co-habitating, not being in love with each other. When my wife moved in, I told her even though we are going to be living together I still want to go on dates with you. She looked at me weird and I told her with my ex, we didn't do anything fun anymore, and it just got stale, and we just ended up fighting.

 

Hang in there, and try my suggestions. Her parents probably do like you, it's just she is their main concern. At least you know if she does come back, it's because she truly wants to. But there are no guarantee's in life, with anything. Life doesn't have an instruction booklet to it, so we all just base our decisions on faith and love. If we let fear dictate our life, then what a lonely one we would lead.

[Debster]

You know, I wouldn't discount the pill theory too quickly. Hormones and other things can play havoc with your body, brain and emotions.

 

Same thing for smoking. I know from having recently quit smoking (going on three months) that my nic fits were so horrible that I was a complete and utter bitc% to my husband. It made me so grumpy and I would find everything my husband did (even though it was a lot) irritating and never good enough. It made me question if getting married was the best thing. I have friends who told their husbands to go back to smoking because they couldn't deal with how horrible they were in the withdrawal stage. Luckily, with him being another ex-smoker he knew that it was due to withdrawal and didn't take it personally or get mad at me. I'm not completely over the nic fits and things have returned to normal. Our love is as strong as it ever was. It was a hel1ish time though for a couple of weeks.

 

I say hang in there. Keep your heart open but let her come to you.

[pag78]

Thank you people! Your suggestions have really made this a little easier for me to deal with. At least for now I know, she and I are not the only ones who have dealt with this situation. I have a little more hope now. Thank you for your time. Hearing this from you all will make it a little easier to leave her alone in the hopes that she will come back.

 

Thank you jmargel, debster, and blind_otter and everyone else. I truly value your opinions.

[Ladyjane14]

People can't really recognise their own depression sometimes. They feel bad but they don't know why. It's easier to blame the circumstances in your life then it is to blame your own thought processes. Much like when Blind Otter said she didn't recognise it until she went through it the second time.

 

Often it's not until they "hit rock bottom", or stand to lose something they value that treatment becomes an option.

 

Once a person accepts treatment, that's when you can give them alot of demonstrative love. Before that, I don't think they're really in a position to feel loved. That's my opinion anyway from having dealt with it in my own marriage.

 

You'll have to decide what's best for you. If you give her an ultimatum just now, either get treatment or else, she very well might choose "or else". If you don't, she has no incentive to get off the fence.

[Leikela]

I've noticed the same thing about the pill. When I first got on it I became crazy! Not literally, but it didn't take much to anger me and I was over emotional. I talked to my gyno and she switched me to a pill that is also used as an anti-depressent for some women. It's called Yasmin. Anyway, Yasmin has been great! I am back to my normal self. The funny thing I realize is that the week I don't take the pills I start to feel myself going "crazy" again.

 

I don't have any major underlying issues either. The pill or lack-there-of might be making her react more strongly to issues she already had. I would give her some breathing room. I know it's hard but let nature takes it course and if you two are meant to be, she'll end up going back to you.

[CoconutJuice]

Sorry for the pain, i could feel you... The truths hurt, but you need to know the true.. . First thing come to my mind when I read your post: She does not love you anymore... Reasons?..Could be any...my strong feeling is she might have someone else...if I would you, I do a "spy" thing..I know it sounds unethical... but what else can you do to find out the truths... (have you watch the show "Cheaters") on TV?

 

If thats not the reasons...the next wonders then could be her illness, physically, emotionally...pills...

 

Cheers

[blind_otter]

Originally posted by Leikela

I've noticed the same thing about the pill. When I first got on it I became crazy! Not literally, but it didn't take much to anger me and I was over emotional. I talked to my gyno and she switched me to a pill that is also used as an anti-depressent for some women. It's called Yasmin. Anyway, Yasmin has been great! I am back to my normal self. The funny thing I realize is that the week I don't take the pills I start to feel myself going "crazy" again.

 

Ohmmigod! This is SO me!

 

I was put on Yasmin to help combat postpartum depression, on my week off I feel SO batty. Crying at the drop of a hat. Not eating or sleeping well. Of course, I have clinical depression as well. But still. I heard somewhere you could skip the week off sometimes, and take two months in a row.

[Leikela]

Originally posted by blind_otter

Ohmmigod! This is SO me!

 

I was put on Yasmin to help combat postpartum depression, on my week off I feel SO batty. Crying at the drop of a hat. Not eating or sleeping well. Of course, I have clinical depression as well. But still. I heard somewhere you could skip the week off sometimes, and take two months in a row.

 

 

Wow, I'm not ALONE!! I had never heard of the mood changes on the pill and thought that it was just me. Then I read up on Yasmin and realized why I was acting the way I was. It's amazing what hormones can do to change our personalities at times.

 

Yeah, I have read that you can keep taking active pills on your week off too. I think that's why Seasonale was developed. You keep taking active pills straight for 3 months at a time and end up with only 4 periods a year. I'm afraid to do that though because I'm soooo sensitive. It says it increases break through bleeding and I would break through bleed like crazy on other low dose pills. Yasmin is the only pill that I haven't break through bled on.

 

Anyway, I'm glad I can relate with you!