Christmas card from exgirlfriend on his fridge

[Lonestar]

For those who know my situation, please don't kick my butt for falling of the wagon with the ex. I'm trying to make a family work whether he's wrong for me or not.

 

So there's a card on his fridge. It's not a card from this year, it's from last year, so it's been there for the past twelve months, and we've been back together off and on for about four months. It's a picture of his exgirlfriend's kid. His refrigerator is covered with pictures of our kid, and I kinda figured he just lost track of it in all the pics, so I hadn't said anything yet, but tonight I was there and saw that all the pictures had been rearranged. He took the Xmas card from his exgirlfriend and moved it into another spot.

 

Now I hate this bitch with a passion and he knows it. I finally asked him tonight if he ever planned on taking it down. He told me to take it down if I wanted to and I said it's not my picture to take down.

 

Now I'm steaming about the entire situation. Why should I walk into his house and see her friggin name on his refrigerator every time I'm there? I'm absolutely sure he meant no harm and it probably didn't even cross his mind how it made me feel. How should I handle this in a mature and adult like manner? I'm NOT removing it myself. I would hope after what I said tonight, he'd take it down on his own, but I'm betting he'll forget and not see it. You know how you stop seeing something that's in front of your face all the time?

[Debster]

If it bothers you so much, take it down.

Don't throw it out cause it isn't yours to toss.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Lonestar

I finally asked him tonight if he ever planned on taking it down. He told me to take it down if I wanted to

 

When he said that, he means it just like it sounds - he doesn't mind if you take it down. It probably didn't cross his mind twice.

 

and I said it's not my picture to take down.

 

It sounds like you had more of a loaded statement here - it doesn't sound like a simple matter of respect for property - it sounds like you want him to want to take it down himself, and were hoping that he would voluntarily take it down. If you take it down, it looks like it was all your idea - if he takes it down, its a symbolic willingness on his part to give her up and all she represents. When he did not act on your unspoken implicit wishes, you lost it - you got angry because you couldn't make him want to take it down himself.

 

You have to ask yourself it really the picture you two are fighting about at this point, or what is represented (in your mind) by him not taking it down? Be honest with him. Tell him what the picture represents and what it would mean to you if he took it down himself. Spell it out implicitly, and he will probably see what you are getting at. Right now, all he sees is irrational and inexplicable anger because he won't take a picture down off his fridge - after he already told you it was ok to take down yourself. He probably doesn't understand the importance to you that he take it down himself.

 

I'm NOT removing it myself. I would hope after what I said tonight, he'd take it down on his own, but I'm betting he'll forget and not see it.

 

Don't bet against your relationship. Don't wait for him to say or do something - he probably has no idea that it is so important to you and why it is so important to you. All he knows is that you wanted the picture down and he told you that you could take it down. Then you got angry with him for apparently no reason. Just talk to him. Its a lot simpler than playing the 'unspoken wishes' game with him.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Lonestar

How should I handle this in a mature and adult like manner? I'm NOT removing it myself.

 

 

let me get this straight....you want to handle this is a mature and adult like manner?

 

he already asked you to take it down and you did not. this is not mature and adult like in my eyes.

[Lonestar]

Yeah, well AlphaMale, like I said it's not my picture to take down.

 

LucreziaBorgia, you're right in everything you said, but I did not get mad at him last night. I asked calmly about the picture and why it was still there. I got angry when I got home and stewed over it alone. I should have been more clear.

 

He is well aware how I feel about this woman. She has done some horrible sh*t to me in the past, so I think it's insensitive of him to keep the picture of there for any reason whatsoever, but I've been giving him the benefit of the doubt by reasoning that he probably didn't know it was there or that it really bothered me.

 

I was wrong. We talked about it this morning on the phone. He has known the Xmas card was there all the time and would not answer me when I asked why he kept it up there, knowing that it bothered me every time I came over there. Instead he flew into a rage and hung up on me. He also made a snide remark that it was his son. It's not, but he said it to be sarcastic.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Lonestar

Yeah, well AlphaMale, like I said it's not my picture to take down.

 

Do you feel you have the right to ask him to take it down when you two have been back togeter again for 4 months and even that is "on and off"?

 

If you were a committed pair-bond then I would say "yes" you do have the right to ask him to remove the card.

 

Reverse the situation. If you had a card on your fridge from a yr ago from an ex lover and he asked you to remove it would you do it or not. Would he have the right to ask you given your currrent relationship situation??

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by Lonestar

I was wrong. We talked about it this morning on the phone. He has known the Xmas card was there all the time and would not answer me when I asked why he kept it up there, knowing that it bothered me every time I came over there. Instead he flew into a rage and hung up on me. He also made a snide remark that it was his son. It's not, but he said it to be sarcastic.

 

Ouch.

 

It sounds like it isn't about the picture at all - rather it represents some tension and rage between you both that isn't being addressed otherwise. Is there any chance that the two of you can go to talk to someone objectively about it to help sort it through?

[alphamale]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

It sounds like it isn't about the picture at all - rather it represents some tension and rage between you both that isn't being addressed otherwise.

 

 

I agree LUCREAIZBORGIA.

 

The card is a proxy for the power struggle in their relationship. It is a microcosm of what is going on within both of them. The sexual tension, anger, politics, jealousy, greed, territoriality.

 

Boy, Freud would have a field day with this...

[Lonestar]

Alpha, yeah this is supposed to be a committed relationship, so I would think I had that right. We were married, we have a child together, and he asked me to stop dating other men months ago, and I did. He tells me he loves me and wants us to work, but then his actions say otherwise. I would not keep anything around that would upset him, and I have stopped talking to certain people because he told me it bothered him.

 

LucreziaBorgia, I have asked him to go to some type of relationship counseling with me. He flat out refused.

 

You're both probably right about the power struggle, although I don't like to look at it that way. What I want is for him to start showing me I'm important rather than telling me I am, and then doing the complete opposite.

 

Like I said I keep hearing how he wants us to work and he loves me, and yet he still won't take me out or anywhere around his friends. The Xmas card on his refrigerator is only a symptom of the disease, but I still think I'm right that he should have taken it down to spare me the reminder. The part about it being his kid was all about throwing daggers. I didn't deserve that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

In this case, his actions are speaking far louder than his words.

[alphamale]

Originally posted by Lonestar

Alpha, yeah this is supposed to be a committed relationship, so I would think I had that right.

 

You're both probably right about the power struggle, although I don't like to look at it that way.

 

The Xmas card on his refrigerator is only a symptom of the disease,

 

Ok i have your solution, next time you go over there yo go straight ot the fridge and take the card/pic off and hand it to him nicely and ask him to put it somewhere you cannot see it.

 

Tell him you have made compromises for him and he needs to make one for you here. Tell him he does not need to discard the card (heh that is funny!!!) but if he could just hide it away in someplace priveate you would appreciate it.

 

Now how hard can that be??? If he follows thru then you make him his favorite dinner. If he does not then you split without saying a word.

[Naive]

Originally posted by Debster

If it bothers you so much, take it down.

Don't throw it out cause it isn't yours to toss.

 

 

I concur.

[Naive]

But do tell him AGAIN that it bothers you A WHOLE LOT!!!!!

[indigo_moon]

Originally posted by alphamale

Ok i have your solution, next time you go over there yo go straight ot the fridge and take the card/pic off and hand it to him nicely and ask him to put it somewhere you cannot see it.

 

Tell him you have made compromises for him and he needs to make one for you here. Tell him he does not need to discard the card (heh that is funny!!!) but if he could just hide it away in someplace priveate you would appreciate it.

 

Now how hard can that be??? If he follows thru then you make him his favorite dinner. If he does not then you split without saying a word.

 

It seems like a simple situation here.....she just gives him the card and asks him to get rid of it....and if he does, it's all fixed.....but that's not it. This is probably more of a "Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus" thing.........how men and women view these kinds of issues so differently...........but with that being said, I have dated plenty of men who had problems with me having pics of exes or other memorabilia around.......and it all goes back to respect and significance.

 

For instance, I dated a guy for a long time....I was staying with him, he wanted me to get a pair of shoes out of his closet for him....down on the floor was a shoebox....not knowing there weren't shoes in it, I opened it......it was filled to the brim with letters and pics (some explicit) of his ex girlfriend...........momentos (airline ticket stubs, etc). Most guys don't keep all this sh*t..........but he was a very sentimental person, I guess. I asked him about it all....why he was holding onto it ..concerned he hadn't really "let go and moved on"...........I needed to know this for sure because we were making plans for me to relocate to where he was (and live together)........I had to be confident I wasn't a "rebound chick"...............he said none of it meant anything to him, I asked them why he was holding onto it all then? He couldn't give me a straight answer. He'd previously minimized the seriousness of this relationship (he'd dated her before me)........when in fact, the letters revealed they were planning on marrying. The letters also indicated their breakup wasn't quite as far back before he and I as he'd told me from the start..so I was concerned. He was getting defensive and hostile as to why I'd be concerned whether there was a reason for him hanging onto this "stuff"..................he kept insisting she meant nothing to him, he was over her, had no sentimental reason to keep this stuff...................so I told him that if that were the case, he should have no problem getting rid of it all.......................he became livid and refused. Ah. A Red flag. He got mad and told me if I didn't like it, I could toss it out (but he wouldn't). I didn't feel it was my place..............the point was that if he was truly over her, HE would be the one to get rid of it all........if he'd truly "moved on." Sure, I could have taken the box and stuffed it into the trash but that wasn't the point.................it needed to come from him so that I had a better indication that he truly was over her and wasn't still clinging onto her emotionally.

 

It's not about the "action" of the item(s) being tossed..it's about the person who claims the items mean nothing being the one to get rid of them, as a sign of good faith that they're being honest.

 

Lonestar: his words mean nothing...and even though this isn't a huge thing in the big picture, it's a part of the big picture, and yet another indication of him not respecting your feelings, and hurting you more. The fact that he hung up on you...........not cool.