Help me figure out this guy please!

[hopelesslycrushing]

I don't crush on people easily, but when I do, I crush hard. To put it in perspective, I only have 4-5 crushes in my life and I'm getting close to mid-20s!

 

This might also sound strange, but I also don't have *any* relationship experience. I've gone as far as casual dates, but that's it. No relationship experience.

 

Now....I have this really serious crush on this guy, so much that I still feel giddy whenever I talk to him (it's already been months since we first met!) I'm not sure what to do anymore! He's smart, has a great sense of humor, and is everything I'm looking for. I'm also aware of the things he does that annoys me so I know I'm also not completely out of touch with reality. There are two problems right now:

 

1. We work together (coworkers) I can't tell him that I like him because if it's not reciprocated, we'll have a very awkward work environment. Everyone will find out because we are a very close-knit group. I am a friendly person and I tried my best to "flirt" with him. He's friendly with me, but he's a nice person so I honestly can't tell if he's just being friendly too. We hang out often as a group at lunch so we've gotten to know one another pretty well. I can't be too obvious because we ARE coworkers and there are some very nosy people in the office.

 

2. I grew up in a pretty conservative family and I believed that guys should do the asking out. I definitely don't mean guys should do all the work in a relationship; I'm specifically referring to the initial asking out. I know we're living in the 21st century, but that's just my take on it. I don't mind doing the flirting and giving the guy as many hints of interest as possible, but wouldn't guys take the risk and ask the girl out if he's really interested in a girl?

 

We're decent friends in an un-equal friendship (I'm not honest with him since I'm hoping our friendship could develop into something more). It began as strictly as a friendship but then I fell hard the more I got to know him.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't blatantly tell him that I like him because of #1 and #2. Since I am seriously crushing on him, I can no longer tell if he's just friendly with me or if there's something more. I personally think that there might be something more, but I could also be seriously reading too much into his every action because my crush on him has impaired my sense of reality (when it comes to him, anyway). Besides, if he were interested, wouldn't he have asked me out already? (His ex - first first love - broke up with him a couple of months back...can he still be in love with her?) How in the world would I know? What do I do? What would you do? Help!

[Curt]

Let me jump in on this one right away, as it's a topic close to my heart.

 

I have found myself in a similar situation. Interestingly enough, the wonderful lady that I know is a co-worker of mine. She's intelligent, good-hearted, sweet, and yes, drop-dead sexy.

 

Problem is simple: I am the guy in this setup, and am therefore automatically placed in the "societally enforced" role as initiator of first approach, to which you alluded in your post.

 

However, the problem is also more complicated in that, JUST as you mention, this is a work environment. It has it's share of rumors, nosey coworkers, well-wishers, and all other types of individuals in the mix.

 

In addition, I am a bit of a shy type (at least to a point).

 

Being cognizant of just the work situation alone ... and the possibly more "heated eventualities" that COULD unfold IF the affection is not returned, or worse is unwelcomed, I am also in a bit of a "no go" situation with her.

 

In a way it's sad really, because she and I may very well be the types that would get on like gangbusters as a couple.

 

Every conversation we have ever had about life and work, etc., has been fulfilling and enjoyable for (I believe) both of us. We work well together, and we respect each other greatly.

 

But then, the questions come as usual ... is the reciprocity / chemistry? that we have real on both parts, or perceived on my part only. Is she only a co-worker, or as you have indicated, a co-worker who would like to be a possible partner.

 

Ya see? Never the twain shall meet.

 

IMHO, the men (me in my case) in this kind of a situation are at a BIG disadvantage.

 

If she somehow cares for me in a similar way, and I care for her in like manner, what a terrible thing it would be for someone not to ensure that the ice is broken.

 

Who knows what longterm love and passion could occur as a result.

 

My advice is simple. Ask him if he'd like to venture out for coffee some afternoon....or mention that you're gonna go get a java at the local Starbucks or Second Cup or Tim Horton's, or whatever it is in your end of the globe. Ask him if he'd like to tag along. It'll all come about very casually as a result..

 

Once you're on neutral territory, what a perfect time to venture into the "I really enjoy your company ... etc.," type of conversation.

 

Even if he says that he doesn't feel for you in that way, he'll likely be very flattered that you were willing to take that chance and reverse the gender-enforced roles to ask.

 

I can't envision this type of thing making him uncomfortable around a close friend like you appear to be.

 

Think of the possibilities. Venture outside the "gender box" on this one, and approach it in the most real way possible.

 

Life is too short to not take that risk for you both.

 

As comedian Dennis Miller used to say, "But that's just my opinion, I COULD be wrong."

 

 

Let us know how it goes, ok?

 

Curt

[whichwayisup]

Both of you take the first step. Just tell the other person you are interested and would you like to get together outside of work for dinner one night...Or ask for the home number and talk about it over the phone and not at work.

 

The work situation is odd, been there and i know all about it...Do you know what? Gossip happens, doesn't matter what it is eitherway. They could be gossiping right now and you wouldn't know it! Don't allow that to affect the outcome eitherway. Keep it separate from work.

 

Oh yeah, btw the man I dated at work...11 years later and he's my H. So just go with the flow and GO FOR IT! NO regrets okay? Cuz if you don't...3 months from now neither of you wanna be posting here saying "Should have asked but didn't...." Do you know what I mean??

 

Good luck and post back!

[alphamale]

Originally posted by hopelesslycrushing

I don't crush on people easily, but when I do, I crush hard. To put it in perspective, I only have 4-5 crushes in my life and I'm getting close to mid-20s!

 

This might also sound strange, but I also don't have *any* relationship experience. I've gone as far as casual dates, but that's it. No relationship experience.

 

 

It is fairly normal to not have had any serious relationships by the time you are 24 or 25.

 

People who have not had one by that age don't normally advertise it cause they are embarrased but trust me, when you get older will will meet a lot of people in this category.

[Curt]

Sounds like great advice above, too.

 

It's a win win situation either way. Even if he can't reciprocate, you'll be able to say you took the chance for the right reasons.

 

Let us know how it comes down hunn.

 

We're all in yer corner.

 

Curt

[hopelesslycrushing]

You are a very optimistic bunch. Thanks for your replies, I truly appreciated your advice.

 

I think I will casually invite him somewhere outside of work and see how he responds. I'll find a right time to do it; it won't be immediately but in the very near future.

 

We have gone to lunches (just the two of us) and those went well, so I just thought the the ball is in his court now. It's a little nerve-wrecking given the close work environment, but there's also outside variables (i.e.

He and his ex are still friends and I honestly don't think he has completely gotten over her yet).

 

I'm only cautious because I just don't want to get hurt here.

 

Curt - just out of curiosity, have you initiated interest with the lady coworker that you're interested in, and are you going to?

 

Thanks again for the advice. You guys are awesome!

[Curt]

Originally posted by hopelesslycrushing

You are a very optimistic bunch. Thanks for your replies, I truly appreciated your advice.

You will find that LoveShack has about the most honest, not to mention thought provoking, perspectives on the net. Everyone here has a keen interest in promoting the formation and nurturing of successful life relationships. I am proud to consider more than one person here a friend.

I think I will casually invite him somewhere outside of work and see how he responds. I'll find a right time to do it; it won't be immediately but in the very near future.

 

We have gone to lunches (just the two of us) and those went well, so I just thought the the ball is in his court now. It's a little nerve-wrecking given the close work environment, but there's also outside variables (i.e. He and his ex are still friends and I honestly don't think he has completely gotten over her yet).

 

Well, my only hope is that you make it abundantly clear to him that you want the planned "outside meeting" to be a more personal/close one than just the normal work-type "lunch & a chat" routine that you both have developed.

 

Let's face it, guys can be infamously bad at reading signs of interest from a woman that, to her, would perhaps appear to be as clear as crystal. Make sure he knows the direction you're aiming for.

 

{{{ Did I just write that ? }}}

I'm only cautious because I just don't want to get hurt here.

Very understandable my dear. Perhaps, given your work situation as has been described previously, in addition to a hesitancy he may be suffering from the breakup with his ex-gf, he may be very very cautious also. Guys hate being hurt emotionally, too. We just often deal with that hurt in a different way.

Curt - just out of curiosity, have you initiated interest with the lady coworker that you're interested in, and are you going to?

Just as the guy in your situation may (and I did say may ) be feeling, I am unsure of what her intentions really are. You see, the girl I speak of is with a guy. From what she says (and given that I met him), he appears to be a really nice guy.

 

Yet, we are sorta "flirty" with each other, and enjoy each other's friendship/company (I think) a fair deal. I believe that other co-workers have noticed the "connection" that we appear to have also. I know that a couple of good friends that work there noticed me admiring her (ok, caught me admiring her from what I thought was a sort of "safe-ish" distance - Jeesh ... I'll never forget the smiles and grins they gave me ) I think she may have also mentioned that she would be spending Christmas alone as well. To be quite honest, I just don't see her as a girl who could be happy alone for such an important occasion, and be content with the setup. The weeklong periods without him must not be easy on her either. She is a very affectionate, loving person. I dunno. Let's face it, the signals are a bit mixed.

 

Add in with all of the above, that I've caught my a$$ in a similar situation before. That ended in nothing but heartache for me, and I just can't risk that crap again. I won't go into the details of the previous incident, as it's unimportant right now, except to justify that when burned good once, one will be massively cautious of trying something a second time. It reeks of bad karma, know what I mean?

Thanks again for the advice. You guys are awesome!

Thanks for keeping us all up to speed.

 

Can I level with ya on this one, hopelesslycrushing? I really want you to take this step for you both ... at least to the point of knowing whether or not he is ready and/or willing to give a relationship a try...

 

Why you might ask?

 

Well, perhaps it's somewhat selfish of me I guess, but I want to believe that things like this can work out, if each person comes at it from a direction of mutual caring and a desire to be together.

 

Perhaps it can't and won't work. For now, though, let ole' Curt keep his rose-colored glasses on.

 

Give it a shot!

 

God's speed to ya both!

 

Curt

[UncleAlbert]

You may have to dig a bit deeper into your bag of tricks to get him alone.

For instance let him know you've been given a pair of tickets to something, nothing to fancy, and ask him if he'd be intereseted in going..I mean nothing serious about it..you did, after all, receive the tickets by surprise. Doesn't have to be literally "tickets" it can be an invtite and you'd prefer not to go alone. You know that sort of a deal.

Good luck

[hopelesslycrushing]

I want to give you (not so much) of an update. It's only been a month since I last posted, but this whole situation is driving me insane even though I'm a relatively self-assured person. I know what I *should* do, but I can't act upon it. I can no longer be rational because my feelings are involved. Worse, I now over-analyze my encounters with him and constantly think about him (and not by choice!)

 

I can't ask for casual 1-1 hangout - at least not until he initiates the first one (though I am still working on this). I know. I'm a wimp when it comes to relationships. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I am just not comfortable with it. I made sure that I don't decline any events where we are both invited. I'm just an introvert. It's who I am. He's an introvert too, but he has gone on dates so I know he's not shy enough to ask people out.

 

Since I'm an introvert, every effort, however small, still counts to me. I am still learning. I am still adjusting. I am pushing myself to go outside my comfort zone and live a little more. I really, really am trying. I just feel like I am always the one initiating IM conversations or lunch meetings these days. He rarely initiates or suggest that we go anywhere, which naturally leads me to believe that maybe he's not interested (so how can I go further?) I'm also getting mixed messages.

 

I'm happy to be experiencing newfound emotions (call it lust, crazy love, whatever), but my heart is torn right now. I can't tell him blatantly that I like him because of the work situation, and if it doesn't work out, I know our friendship won't last either (knowing my own personality). I don't want to give up on him either because I really like him.

 

For me, I definitely feel that there is something going on between us (an unspoken bond), physically and emotionally. He usually stands close to me and there have been times where I have to resist the temptation to just lean in and kiss him at the workplace. *blushes*. In fact, a big group of us went to a bar after work and we spent the entire time together: lots of eye contact, great conversations, chemistry and interest between us. He was very attentive to me (it could be the alcohol, who knows), we laughed a lot, and he looked at me the whole time even when talking to the group.

 

Strange part was: a mutual friend of ours whispered to me (she never said anything like this to me before and it was just totally random, "you and (name) would make a really cute couple. I can totally see a connection between you two. Can you see it?" I blushed some more. The truth is, I thought I saw it but brushed it aside because I can't see right already when it comes to him. Do I feel it? You bet. But the problem? I don't know if he does too! Is he just being friendly (for 3+ hrs)? Is he interested in me? Or could he just be flirting for the sake of flirting? (there are other girls around). Is he messing with my head?

 

After such a great night of getting to knowing one another, I thought maybe he'll ask me out or something...anything! But nope - nothing, not even an friendly IM message. I think I'm going to back off now, but I don't want to let this one go because I have a feeling he's the one. I've already known him for months now at work, and the chemistry remained.

 

What do you think? Also, if you *know* a girl likes you, would you lead her on for the fun of flirting? Or woud you not flirt back so she won't get the wrong idea if you're not interested? Or would you still act interested because she's your friend and you don't want to hurt her (this option sucks!) or would you have the courage tell her flat out you're not interested. Honestly, what would you do?

 

I know you can't give me the answers I'm looking for, but I am torn and distracted and need a place to vent and figure out if I need to do anything more (short of confessing my feelings to him). I know i'm all over the place.

Since the rational part of my brain has gone mush, what's the objective viewpoints from you? Is this completely hopeless? Do you ever get over your crushes? Why isn't my crush over on him yet? I tried to will myself to end my crush on him, but I can't control my heart. Stupid, stupid heart. Any words of advice/wisdom/thoughts would tame my my wild, wild heart. My, do guys think about a girl as much as I do with this guy?

 

This is insane.

[Curt]

hopelesslycrushing, you said...

 

I think I'm going to back off now, but I don't want to let this one go because I have a feeling he's the one.

 

From what I see in your post, if you back off now, you may have to see him go on to be with someone else. Perhaps that's best for you both in the long run, I don't know. I'm a stranger on the net ... BUT...

 

Just imagine how it would feel if, say, down the road a few years, you hear (even perhaps directly from him) that he had feelings for you {right now}, but was afraid to risk putting them out there, perhaps for the same reasons you're afraid. IMHO, if it sucks now to wonder what the effect would be of saying something, imagine what the effect of saying nothing could be.

 

Perhaps he's torn apart in his heart too, as to what he should be doing. Don't let pride or bashfulness stand in the way of a possibly life-long reward of shared love, passion and committment.

 

Even if he's not interested hopelesslycrushing, wouldn't you rather know that for certain?

 

Sweetie, how could you look back to regret saying something, even if you find out for sure that he doesn't feel that way? Even given the close workplace issues, surely you're both strong enough as adults to work through the initial awkwardness that might result?

 

You also said...

 

Also, if you *know* a girl likes you, would you lead her on for the fun of flirting?

 

A boy might. I would like to think, however, that a person who cares about you {even if it ends up only being as an extremely close friend,} would not do that to you, to just have "fun" with your emotions, if he truly *knew* how you felt. No.

 

In the end, it's your call hunn, and you'll know what to do better than any of us would. I say, step outside the gender-role enforced "paradigms" we've all been spoon-fed through time. Deal with the feelings you have for him in a "head-on", caring, honest, forthright, mature way. Don't over-power him emotionally, but give "enough heart" to him, so that he knows the depth of what you have felt.

 

Stand tall as a confident, desirable woman, get him on neutral ground, and communicate your feelings. Even if you lose the battle, you've won the war as a woman.

 

God's speed.

 

Curt

[nat1838]

I have been in a very similar situation to yours. I am very shy and introverted. So is my "interest" at work. I have never had the courage to step outside of my comfort zone, but this man I have a crush on is the greatest guy I have ever met, and I have no doubt that if we got together it would work. I mean he and I are one in the same. He is everything I have always wanted. Well, one day I just looked at myself in the mirror and said "You have got to do this, he could be the one who makes it all worth it. If you don't do this you will spend the rest of your life wondering what could have happened. Then I had to remind myself that if he turned me down, and then treated me bad or wouldn't speak to me then he wasn't the person I thought I wanted anyway. Well it was the most nerve wracking thing I have ever done, but I did it. I asked him out. Well he turned me down, but he had a good reason, that I could understand. He thanked me for thinking about him, and ever since then he has treated me the same. Actually a little bit better. I am still working on him, I'm just giving it a little time. I am not giving up yet. I still think it would be worth it.

 

I was terribly embarrassed for a couple of days, but after that I was fine. More than anything, I am more confident in myself and realize that the world will not end over something like that. That I can't die from embarassment.

 

I just thought that maybe my story could help you a little bit......

[mental_traveller]

Ok, here's my surefire guide to finding out if someone likes you, when it's too "risky" or otherwise difficult to just ask them.

 

1. Locate target

2. Invent pretext for getting target to nearby "neutral ground" establishment where liquor is served

3. Get mildly tipsy with target at previously identified establishment

4. (if they haven't already made a move by this stage) subtly enquire about relationship status, talking generally not specifically about them (e.g. did you hear X is dating Y? It's funny how relationships work isn't it? Blah blah blah)

5. Get a bit more tipsy, use slightly flirtatious body language

6. Seemingly in passing, say something like "You know, I wonder what would have happened if we had met at a party instead of work, would we still have become friends?"

7. Flirt more

8. Then just make the move you would make if you had met them socially, instead of through work (or whatever other bothersome situation) i.e. ask them out for dinner or whatever. If you are a woman who objects to making the first move, then just say "Hey - this is the bit where you're supposed to ask me out for dinner". Guys need a bit of prodding sometimes.

 

If they turn you down, you can put it down to being drunk,just say you got a bit carried away. And with them being drunk, they are more likely to say yes if they are a bit interested And if they have bottled up a crush on you as well for all this time, then you simply cannot fail to score. Basically you avoid looking like a fool if you are wrong about them liking you, and if they do like you, you're more likely to succeed.

[hopelesslycrushing]

Here's my update:

 

I didn't tell my crush that I like him, but I gave him a very strong verbal clue. I haven't seen him lately, so I told him that I missed him.

 

I think he "gets" it (he has to or he's really dense - and he's not). I think he's not interested in me that way. Either he was totally playing with my mind or I read the signals wrong, and I don't know which one to believe. On one hand, I am positive I didn't read his signals wrong (he treats me differently from other girls) and I trust my keen intuition. But, he's not the type of person to play with people's minds, especially the emotions of his "friends". At least not intentionally anyway.

 

Ever since he "got" it, I get the vibe that he's trying to avoid me. When we talk, he would be distant and nervous. I just hate these stupid games. Now I''m afraid I lost one of my closest guy friends. On top of it all, the last few days have been very hard on me. This hurts more than I have ever anticipated (I've never felt so hurt with previous crushes). How could something that felt so good can feel so bad now?

 

I'll admit it that I really thought he's the one (and on some deeper level, I still do). If I were ever to marry someone, it'd be someone like him. I mean, everything was there - friendship, chemistry, attraction, interests, fun, respect, trust...and I felt like we've known each other all our lives. Isn't that what relationships are built on?

 

Though we've never dated, I felt heartbroken the last couple of days and have been reading LS to help me cope. I want to contact him, but it just hurts too much when he acts the way now. So, I am imposing a no-contact to help ease this heartbreak of sorts. Except I have already failed at no contact several times already. I am such an idiot. Why do I keep trying?

 

I don't think it's me...it could be things that he's going on in his life. We got along fine, after all, we are (or were) friends. None of this makes sense and it doesn't make it hurt any less. I just don't understand now that I've put my heart on the line. I don't like this feeling of vulnerability. I just don't want to feel it again, you know?

 

I've never been in relationships before, so I don't really know how to cope right now. I hope I won't feel jaded in the future. No, I won't let this dampen my spirits. I refuse to. But I just felt like someone ripped my heart out. How can someone who can bring such joy into my life, can also suck that joy away so quickly? I'd like to think that I'm in control of my emotions and no one has that power over how I CHOOSE to feel, but the truth is: that'd be a total lie.

 

I just don't know how to move on. I can't forget him, and truth be told, I still have feelings for this guy! What is wrong with me? How am I suppose to move on? How can I forget him? I just don't know how to feel anymore, and I just wish this could turn out differently. Sometimes I think that maybe I'd be better off if he was never in my life and I could continue to be my generally happy self, and I wouldn't feel so crappy like I do now.

[Curt]

Originally posted by hopelesslycrushing

Here's my update:

 

I didn't tell my crush that I like him, but I gave him a very strong verbal clue.

Can you tell us what that verbal signal was ... because, if it was merely that you

... told him that {you} missed him.

... hunn, that's no absolute guarantee that he would then assume that you would like to have a "more than friends" relationship with him.

 

You note that you...

think he "gets" it (he has to or he's really dense - and he's not). I think he's not interested in me that way.

Sad fact (although I hate to admit it ) is that, as guys, we sometimes are not great at decoding cues from women.

 

Sometimes, we get stuck in the same type of "second guessing ourselves" game that you are experiencing right now. You also state ...

Either he was totally playing with my mind or I read the signals wrong, and I don't know which one to believe.

Maybe he didn't actually know for sure from first to last that you were interested in him (in "that way".) In fact, he may be wondering now himself, playing the "no-contact game," unsure if he could possibly ruin your friendship by pursuing the idea of becoming something more than good friends.

 

Putting myself in his position, I know that if I were him, I might avoid too. Why? I might be feeling that I would be running quite the "thin line." I might try to open some "no contact space" to prevent myself from doing something which (although yearned for,) could also prove disastrous to the close relationship that we have now.

 

In addition, if he wonders whether you truly are interested in him, he may simply not want to come off as "out in left field" if he suggests a romantic relationship start between you both. You also said...

On one hand, I am positive I didn't read his signals wrong (he treats me differently from other girls) and I trust my keen intuition.

Sure, he may not be interested ... that's always a possibility. However, right now, all you can say for sure is that you "think" he is not, based upon what might be considered conjecture. Other factors MAY be in operation.

 

I would point to these statements you made:

But, he's not the type of person to play with people's minds, especially the emotions of his "friends". At least not intentionally anyway. Ever since he "got" it, I get the vibe that he's trying to avoid me. When we talk, he would be distant and nervous. I just hate these stupid games. Now I''m afraid I lost one of my closest guy friends.

Sweetie, in the quotation above, you admit that he is not the type to play with his friends' emotions. If so, that might also prove him to be a person who is quite aware of the "emotional contexts" that exist around work/professional relationships that move into a romantic "arena." Hence, one could readily understand why he might be trying to "cool his heels" a bit. He may be trying to deal with a hot potato situation ... his deep affection for you, and his uncertainty of your affection for him, all within the equally awkward nature of the work environment where this is all happening.

 

You also mentioned that ...

On top of it all, the last few days have been very hard on me. This hurts more than I have ever anticipated (I've never felt so hurt with previous crushes). How could something that felt so good can feel so bad now?

 

You're hurt because you really feel you connected with him on all the important levels. For some reason, this guy may speak the same "language" as you do. You may just be very similar spiritually, and emotionally. You are attracted to him, and you feel the distance from him as a very undesirable thing.

 

More salient are the things you say next, and I quote...

I'll admit it that I really thought he's the one (and on some deeper level, I still do). If I were ever to marry someone, it'd be someone like him. I mean, everything was there - friendship, chemistry, attraction, interests, fun, respect, trust...and I felt like we've known each other all our lives. Isn't that what relationships are built on?

Well, let's step back for a second. You may be great for each other and we know for sure, at least, that you think very highly of him on any number of levels. Those sentiments may go both ways, and they may not. However, right now, as in the beginning, you do NOT know one way or the other.

 

Note the underlined part of this quote:

Though we've never dated, I felt heartbroken the last couple of days and have been reading LS to help me cope. I want to contact him, but it just hurts too much when he acts the way now. So, I am imposing a no-contact to help ease this heartbreak of sorts. Except I have already failed at no contact several times already. I am such an idiot. Why do I keep trying?

You are not an idiot for feeling deep affection for another human being. If not the only thing, affection for one another (love?) is one of the only things that keeps this world semi-functional.

 

Love is the greatest thing one human being can offer another. When it is felt mutually, it can approach areas of the human soul and spirit where perhaps only our Creator himself has travelled previously.

I don't think it's me ... it could be things that he's going on in his life. We got along fine, after all, we are (or were) friends. None of this makes sense and it doesn't make it hurt any less. I just don't understand now that I've put my heart on the line. I don't like this feeling of vulnerability. I just don't want to feel it again, you know?

Isn't part of the real beauty of love, that it allows us to drop our "guard," and be exposed to the ones we love most in this world? Doesn't true, shared love allow us to show ourselves for all that we are, and all that we are not, without fear that we would ever be met with anything than complete acceptance and unconditional affection? Am I out to lunch on that?

I've never been in relationships before, so I don't really know how to cope right now. I hope I won't feel jaded in the future. No, I won't let this dampen my spirits. I refuse to. But I just felt like someone ripped my heart out. How can someone who can bring such joy into my life, can also suck that joy away so quickly? I'd like to think that I'm in control of my emotions and no one has that power over how I CHOOSE to feel, but the truth is: that'd be a total lie.

 

I just don't know how to move on. I can't forget him, and truth be told, I still have feelings for this guy! What is wrong with me? How am I suppose to move on? How can I forget him? I just don't know how to feel anymore, and I just wish this could turn out differently. Sometimes I think that maybe I'd be better off if he was never in my life and I could continue to be my generally happy self, and I wouldn't feel so crappy like I do now.

Ahhhhh yes ... that wish always rears it's head ... that human desire to eradicate that which makes us most painfully aware of what we are, who we are, and what we hope to embrace in our lives.

 

Hopelesslycrushing, there is no valor in that type of purge; certainly no chance for emotional growth. The most troubling part of love, dear, is that it often forces us to not just fall, but leap off the safety of the mountain, when we feel least confident that the plunge will mean anything more than getting our "fall" broken by the "rocks" of unshared desire below. But leap we must ... having the faith to make the leap itself, not guaranteed of the outcome.

 

All the platitudes in the world, mixed with all the reassurances we could offer here could not MAKE you leap, nor would I ever wish them to. Only you can make that decision.

 

Never regret those things done, but those things left undone.

 

I have given all the advice I could possibly offer here. I pray you make the right decision, no matter what the outcome.

 

God's speed.

 

Curt

[Mary3]

From all that you wrote it seems like alot is going on here with him.

 

He is either :

 

A) Attracted to you but does not want to create a romance because if it fails that would be too hard on both of you

 

B) Feels like you are a great friend and doesnt * get it * when you try to show him you feel like more...

 

C ) Thinks you are just another good co-worker and is pleasant and polite.

( Can you imagine someone feeling that way about you, a co-worker but you were not attracted to them and they secretly had a crush on you ? And that person felt the way you do now ? ) Meaning , if someone at work , whom you were not attracted to at all, were super nice to you, would you read anything into it and act upon it ? If you reverse the situation and he is not interested in you , then you can see his * view * so to speak.

 

I would honestly say this " Hey Joe , I just bought a new BBq GRILL and was wondering if you would like to come over tonite for some BBQ steaks and chicken " I mean if he is NOT interested he will make an excuse . If he is interested and cannot attend he will reschedule it.

 

You have to put yourself out there and take a risk.

[clynn]

hi hopelessly crushing, i was hoping to get an update here and see if you've written more....

 

 

CURT - just wanted to comment that your responses and comments are refreshing and just plain wonderful. Thank you.

[krustykat]

hopelesslycrushing, it doesn't seem to me that you can really be sure about this guy's feelings (or otherwise) for you. Even if this guy isn't interested, to me you seem such an honest, thoughtful, lovely woman. Perhaps all that flirting of his you were talking about means he's not quite good enough for you after all. Perhaps he is really about getting back with his ex-gf. But then again, I'm not there, so I can't make any judgments about him. I'd say just do something soon to find out one way or the other for sure about what he feels about you. What's the worst that could happen - you having to get another job?

[clone]

K this is coming from a guy and my best tip for you. You are going ot hae to make a move cause if u dont u will always live in the "what if" mode, and we all know that just. I am also attracted to a girl at work and to much of a wuss to ask her, well even anything but i dont constantly think about her or anything so im going to hold off. This guy is probably having similar thoughts like yourself about asking you out also. I mean does he act to u the same way u act towards him. To a guy like myself, a girl making a move like being asked out on a date by a female is a HUGE confidence booster. Im sure it will be for the better. lets us know what happens and good luck

[OneAmonte]

Wow, I read your post and I have to say it sounded exactly like what I am going threw. I will say that by reading your responses along with others I decided to take the initiative and confront my coworker/friend with the question of can we be more than friends can. My situation is a little different in the sense of we spend allot of time together outside of work as well. I figured if I couldn’t be honest with my feelings how will I ever know if we can have something more?

I am old fashion in the sense that I believe that if a man is interested he should make the first move but we are all adults and if you wait you might be waiting forever and never know where you stand. Not knowing is driving me crazy and from your reponce it appears you as well. So, why not just take the chance of letting him know you care about him more than you though you would? Give him hints, invite him over to have dinner, ask to go see a movie. It's awkward at first but once it's out it's really not that bad. That is what I did, I asked him if after work he would like to go get some dinner, the first time & he said he was afraid that he would be getting out of work to late. It ended up being a good thing that we didn't make definite plans because he didn't get off of work until 12:30am! So that same week I asked him again and we had lunch. It was great and we had an awesome time. So after reading your post I sent him an email and this is what it said:

 

Just wanted to drop an email and say hello & I hope you have a productive day at school. Hope you did great on your paper, if he gives you bad grade don't worry I will bitch slap him really hard and you can watch! =)

The first thing I would like to say is that normally I wouldn't resort to emails as a way of communication (other then just quick chitchat). However, due to work not being a place for fraternizing, and nosey teenagers on my home front. Oh and we must not forget that so called babysitter! This appears to be the only time I can get time to really be honest with no on lookers so to speak.

Threw the time we have worked together we have always had good conversations. We became friends instantly and I can honestly say I don't think there has ever been a time where we have ever had a problem. The last few months I can't help but to notice that we have gotten even closer and it's been great. I really enjoy your company and it's nice to have someone that I can say anything I feel & that person actually listens & has nice opinion to offer. I feel that in some way I give the same to you in return. Threw these months I have been able to get to know a side of you I never knew before and I don't know if you realize this or not but you are a great person. There are things you say and do that just put a smile on my face even when you aren't there. I have come to realize that I really want to continue to get to know you better and I was wondering how you felt about that? I felt I was putting signs out there to tell you that I am interested in you as more than a friend but I realized that signals sometimes don't work and I felt I really needed to just tell you. If there is something possibly more than friends on your end let me know. If a friendship is all that you are interested in I am ok with that you’re a great friend and I would never want to loose that.

I don't know how comfortable you are with writing if that is good for you then write me back. If you would prefer to talk about it let me know we can met up somewhere or you can call me after I get off of work.

 

I will let you know what happens!

Sincerely;

Someone who finally just needs to know!

[clynn]

Oh MY GOSH

 

How did he respond???

[OneAmonte]

Well here is his responce:

 

 

First, You really have to watch your spelling for words that have synonyms... Threw (through)is one example.....

As for the so called babysitter -- she will be gone soon... Second, I really

appreciate the complements.... Some times I am really hard on myself (Yes, I know this) but, the simple reason is that if I don't, then nothing gets done... For example -- It has been alot of years since I graduated high school & now I am finally getting around to college.... Alot of these kids view me as grandpa moses and that I should have already started a life.... Oh well &%$# them if they cannot take a joke.... Haven't gotten to my history class yet. It starts at 3:30 pm... He better give me a good grade - i put alot of effort into this class (and the others too).... I feel really good that we are such great friends.... With my schedule so crazy both school and work (especially), its hard to have a life (thats why I am back in school)... I want to have my weekends and holidays back.... It really sucks when friends and family want to plan something but, I have to work..... I have found that having exclusive relationships do not work (alot like marriage).... Usually there is undue or unfounded pressure that builds between the two individuals..... I enjoy your company and would never want to lose ( or jeopardize) that.... Safe to say that we should remain friends.... Look at whats is going on with Danny & Lorin.... See..... I am hoping for a raise and I hope that they don't say something that would insult my integrity like -- They are broke and cannot afford to give me a raise.....

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There you have it, It's not exactly the responce that I would have hoped for but it's great that I finally know. I can continue to have a great friend! =)

[RecordProducer]

No, you shouldn't blatantly tell him you like him or ask him on a date. We had one thread here on LS where the girl let the guy know she likes him (through another co-worker) and it ended up by him using her merely for sex.

Give him signals, make him figure out that you like him, but don't be pushy and don't flirt too much (you don't wish him to get some naughty thoughts about you, do you?).

There is nothing wrong with women initiating the dating, but it's true that if he likes you, he will let you know. It's in the man's nature to pursue the woman.

[OneAmonte]

recordproducer, I am sorry but I don't agree.

If you have a person that you are attracted to both emotionally & physically why shouldn't you let your feelings be known? How can you have a relationship with someone if you can't tell them how you are feeling. The man mentioned threw out this hole thing has been my close & dearest friend for 2 years now how on earth could I not be open to him? What do you think we can share everything but feelings about each other are off limits? I don't think so friends share everything and I felt as a friend that I should be honest about how I was feeling. I am happy that he values our friendship so much and I feel in his letter he let it be known that he really enjoys my friendship and doesn't want to jeopardize that. I respect that I can also respect the fact that he is basically saying on his end he doesn't think relationships work that is his issue not mine. I know from our talks & time together he has had a real bad time and who am I to say he needs to move on? Everyone deals with things differently. Besides he isn't closing that door either. Who is to say that as we continue to be as close as we have been the last couple of months that it will never be anything? Time is a great healer & maybe when he is ready to try a relationship again he may look my way and if he doesn't at least I know I have one GREAT FRIEND!

OneAmonte

[erika2610]

Originally posted by RecordProducer

No, you shouldn't blatantly tell him you like him or ask him on a date. We had one thread here on LS where the girl let the guy know she likes him (through another co-worker) and it ended up by him using her merely for sex.

Give him signals, make him figure out that you like him, but don't be pushy and don't flirt too much (you don't wish him to get some naughty thoughts about you, do you?).

There is nothing wrong with women initiating the dating, but it's true that if he likes you, he will let you know. It's in the man's nature to pursue the woman.

 

I completely disagree. That girl just made a bad choice in which guy to ask out. You never know. There's nothing wrong with a girl asking a guy out. Maybe the guy's shy. Maybe HE'S afraid of rejection.. IMO, if a girl likes a guy, she should talk to him.