I hit my girlfriend

[GoreSP]

Well you mention not having money for therapy but isn't there an AA group you could join?

Isn't this free?

 

I'm sure it would help a lot...

[jba10582]

There are a lot of articles and resources on the LIVER's detoxifying function and its close relationship with anger. Alcohol unsurprisingly impairs and damages the liver as does anger. Almost everything that you intake will pass through your liver, and, in todays society with tons of processed food, drugs, alcohol, pollutants and stress the liver gets highly over worked and underpaid. For your own health and for ways to help your body to alleviate its own ability and reduce the time or lasting effect of a triggered anger outburst, start to take care of you liver now.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Forgive yourself. You're human and you made a horrible mistake. What you do after the mistake will define the type of person you are. Sounds like you are very remorseful and proactive about addressing and fixing the issues within yourself that led to this incident.

 

Good luck and be patient with yourself. It takes courage to examine yourself and admit there is a problem. Be patient as you make the changes necessary to fix those issues you have identified.

 

 

 

Am4real

 

Thank you for your post and acknowledgement.

 

I am a bit of a mess still to be honest. Still trying to come to terms with what I did, that the relationship is over and struggling a bit with the practicalities of being stuck on my own with the house we bought.

 

On the positive side a friend of mine moved in with me last night so it will help financially and it's good to have company in the evenings.

 

I have had two sessions with a therapst which I found beneficial. It has helped me realise that I use alcohol as a coping mechanism and that my problem started long before this last relationship. It seems I am drawn to people who have similar problems to my own.

 

I still wish I could have her forgiveness but I know that isn't really the issue at all.

[RDawg]

Thank you to all of you who have replied to my thread.

 

I am taking it day by day, focusing on my health and my job, working on the house in my free time and will hopefully go for more therapy in the new year.

 

I never realised how hard it is to be honest with oneself and honest about one's current situation, so much of life is just getting by but now I am taking the time to reflect each day on who I am and that which is important to me. Setting goals and trying to make progress..

[Janesays]

You are a lucky man. I would have called the police and had you formally charged with assault. You would have enjoyed a nice night in jail and a record after pulling a stunt like that with me.

 

And I love how you talk about all her 'red flags.' YOU were the one who HIT HER. What about YOUR red flags?

[M30USA]

After my ex-wife assaulted me and I called cops, I got a chance to read her petition to the court to have it removed from her record. It was SUPPOSED to be an admission of guilt and apology letter, and I suppose she technically satisfied the legal requirement, but I couldn't help notice that the entire letter was about how her bad decision affected HER. She said she's going to have to live with the consequences forever. And, while that's true, I remember noticing how there wasn't a single word about ME or what her actions might have done to ME. I've learned this is just how abusive people view the world. They don't comprehend the effect they have on others because their entire mind is merely focused on themselves.

[Adele0908]

Are you still reading this? Because im a woman but I actually had a similar experience in the past.

 

I lashed out while drunk at someone in my life last year. We were dating, he was in love with me (he said), but I didn't really want to be in that relationship.

 

I also had a fight with a former best friend years ago, at the club of all places and it involved alcohol of course.

 

What alcohol does is lower your inhibitions and expose those raw unexpressed emotions.

 

It is not about the other person. Nothing they did justifies raging and attacking someone.

 

If you really want to fix the problem, pointing fingers at the other person won't help you.

 

What I learned about myself is that I had poor boundaries. I grew up in a strict household (ahh childhood) where everything was decided for me and I wasn't allowed to make decisions for myself. I was pushed and prodded and cristicized by my dad who decided that I would have a career in the medical field. In ever learned to stand up for myself, to say no, to even believe in myself.

 

So I ended up in a relationship with someone who I really didn't love or even like, due to my own inability to say no. Ugh I really hate the truth, cuz it hurts, but this was my cross to bear, as I didn't choose my family or upbringing. And I'm not alone in this, since many kids get treated this way by their families, who view kids as extensions of themselves.

 

So if I were you, I would stop blaming this woman, her lack of religion or the absence of yours, or your drinking, or anything OUTSIDE of you. It's tough, because it is difficult to see our flaws. It may not be your fault how the flaw got there, but it is possible for you to fix it. I recommend getting some counseling.

 

One thing I noticed is that it is the people who gre up believing they had to be nice all the time and sacrifice themselves for others that end up emotionally damaged. You don't have to be nice, be a martyr, or be a "good" person.

 

I never had a chance to look my crazy, controlling father in the face and say "**** you" until very recently. I'm glad I expressed myself FINALLY after years of suppressing myself and I wish my sister would do the same. After I told my dad how I felt, we were cool. Nothing bad happened just because I cursed my dad out. Nothing exploded, and he actually respected me more.

 

So what I'm saying is, often anger and "seeing red" are the results of your own REPRESSED emotions. So look into that.

[M30USA]

Adele,

 

Do you believe it's possible for a parent to be strict with discipline...but still not controlling?

 

Some people can't see a difference between the two. Sad to say. I say this because my ex-MIL used to suggest that I stop being "controlling" with my kids because she used to be that way, she says, and she regrets it. I am the LEAST controlling person on the planet; in fact I'm at the other extreme where I don't care what people do. But I am STRICT with discipline. My kids will have firm boundaries and will NOT become button-pushers, testers of limits, and incorrigible. The fact that she couldn't see the difference between being controlling and being strict is a reflection of who SHE is, not me. She is controlling, so she projects it onto me and interprets my motive for disciplining as being control--when in fact it's love for their own well being.

Edited December 28, 2013 by M30USA

[Adele0908]

Maybe she projects her insecurities onto you. and now you are projecting yours onto me. my dad was controlling, and that's it.

 

If you feel that you are doing the right thing by your kids then keep doing what you're doing.

 

It's not about me right now anyway.

[RDawg]

M30USA : I am sorry to hear your wife assaulted you and that it has had such a bad effect on you.

 

@ Adele0908: you say "often anger and "seeing red" are the results of your own REPRESSED emotions" - I couldn't agree with you more.

 

Through a couple of sessions of therapy I have been examining what was going on in my subconscious in the months leading up to me assaulting my ex. Trying to dig up what I was repressing.

 

It's a tough process, I didn't know I was stressed, or I didn't want to acknowledge I was stressed. On the outside all was fine, I was focusing on my job and my health. I assumed all was well in my relationship. Huge mistake. If I had been honest with myself and actually taken the time to give our relationship a health check I would have seen the warnings and insisted that we talk to try and resolve our problems.

 

I am the sort of person who wears my heart on my sleeve. If I am angry in the moment I show it. If I have a problem or if I am unhappy I express it. I made the mistake of assuming that she was the same. Turns out she is completely different. In our post break up sessions she admitted that she has a real problem with expressing her true emotions and with communication - that is why she didn't tell me that she was on the point of breaking up with me.

 

She was telling me 'I love you' but was secretly thinking of dumping me. She was about to blind side me.. She hadn't initiated intimacy with me for months, turned her back to me every night the whole of winter when we went to bed. Duh.. come on.. I should have known she was checking out. Now obviously I was picking up this vibe on a subconscious level and this stress was building up without me realizing it. That night I got drunk and hit her it all came out.

 

After I hit her she went for counseling. Two weeks later she broke up with me. She had a list of all my mistakes I had made over the 2.5 years we were together, things that I thought she had forgiven and forgotten - and I'm not talking things like violence or cheating here - it was things like: you put your foot through the roof and got upset, you lost me at the rock concert we went to. Me hitting her was obviously the last straw. She did acknowledge the role her own intimacy/ communication issues played and that alcohol abuse by both of us was also a major factor.

 

In the end she said that with a bit of work I can be a very loving man, but that in her heart of hearts she knows that I am not the right person for her. I wish she had come to that conclusion before making the commitment of buying a house together, but hey, everyone is allowed to change their minds.

 

I am sorry that it all went down like this, because now I am the bad guy. The abuser. She can walk away with a clear conscience. She is not traumatised by what happened, she is moving on with her life and happy to have her independence again. Or so she claims. She has walked away from the whole mess and I need to raise 100k to keep the house.

 

Lessons:

 

1) Never get drunk again (been sober for 3.5 months, woohoo!!)

2) Never lose touch with what is going on inside, take the time to evaluate and identify stress!

3) Once identified alleviate it appropriately – apply newly learnt stress and anger management techniques.

4) Don’t get involved with people who internalize their feelings, you will not be compatible.

5) Never buy a house with anyone again.

 

Cheers,

Rob

Edited January 6, 2014 by RDawg

[turnera]

Good job for dropping the alcohol.

 

And don't worry about being the 'bad guy.' As long as you continue to learn and grow and evolve into a healthy person, it will become that point at which you took charge of your life and made yourself a great partner for some woman.

[lovesick1]

It seems like you recognize all the problems and just snapped when pushed too far, which an happen. I dated a girl in the exact same predicament as you and she cocked back a punch at me at which point I stopped arguing, sat down, and wept. Sometimes relationships just come to that but you are doing all the right things my friend.

[Radu]

Thank you for your replies.

 

I take full responsibility for what I did and I am well aware of the damage I have caused to my ex, her family, to myself and my family.

 

My ex and I have spent a lot of time discussing our failed relationship and we both acknowledge that lack of communication and alcohol abuse were major factors in contributing to its demise.

 

I have made an appointment to see a therapist next week. I have to be honest and acknowledge that I have unresolved issues from previous relationships that still plague me. When I was in my early thirties I was living with a partner who is bipolar. After four years together she had a major psychotic episode. I spent another year with her, she was in and out of mental hospitals and never seemed to get better so I left her. I think I feel a lot of guilt still about that.

 

I will let my therapist guide me on the alcohol issue, I would like to think that I am capable of drinking responsibly again but maybe it is just safer to never touch the stuff in future.

 

I don't think this would have happened had I not been drunk. I know it is not an excuse because I was the one who chose to drink that day.

 

Man, this has really messed me up.

 

According to some ppl, the way you were before was really messed up.

 

Abusive wife in the past who hit you, binge drinking yourself [ok if you're in college but you are 42] to blackouts, separate drinking of you and her ... enabler group who allowed you to go that far ...

All of that is messed up.

 

If anything, this incident may actually help both of you [but especially you] improve.

 

Gotta be completely broken, to hit rock bottom, before you lift yourself up to become something better.