Still disgusted and hurting after so long!

[hurts_so_bad]

Well Febuarary will be 2 years since my wife left and its been such a roll a coaster ride of emotions and hurt for me I never Imagined it would be for so long..I was on here for a while for advice but got off for a bit thinking the more I write about it the more it keeps all of it fresh in my mind..So I stopped for a bit..

 

I have been doing everything I can to heal from this but the pain of rejection still plagues me..I have done my AA steps, Ive been seeing a theropist, Going to the gym, working hard, dating sites to meet someone..everything! I just cant seem to shake these feelings of not being good enough! The visions and thoughts of her with someone else still pop up often and I still wonder what this other guy has that I dont!

 

Just when I think Im on the right track and doing better I derail again..The more that happens the more I get disgusted!

 

Many of you know my story how my ex left me and started dating a guy 14 years younger then her..Many of you said it wouldnt work out which made me feel good but apparantely it has so far.. From what I have heard they are on and off alot but they always end up back..Thats what bothers me the most! She is with a guy she has to know that isnt going to be a grand future with so what does he have over me that makes you contnue to deal with it?

 

I am the father of her three kids and willing to be her husband till death do us part and you threw that away for this kid? Thats the most hurtful thing that makes me feel inadequate!

 

Any kind words to cheer up my day a bit would be appreciated!

[Yasuandio]

The only hope there is (and don't count it) is to seriously let go of all hope. Give up - for real. Doesn't sound like you've done that.

 

I understand. Im only coming to that point myself, and we've been separated 4 years and divorced one year. I think the long separation is what continues to keep that bit of hope in my heart. But now, a year past the divorce, I'm ready to let go and move on. For instance, I am drawing up a long term lease right now for my best friend of 20 years to come live with me and share this big house, and also we can provide companionship for one another. This is a serious move forward on my part.

 

There is no way I would or COULD ask my friend to vacate. She is disabled with a serious blood disorder that causes her constant pain for which she will remain on pain meds the rest of her life. If HE can to the door - I would not answer - even though my soul yearns still for him - he is no good for me. If he would offer more money to me (for instance, pay the surgeon in advance for dental problem I have) - I might talk to him, and be friendly - but there is no way I would put my friend out and put him back in, that you can take to the bank.

 

So my method - is essentially, taking actions that are making reconciliation impossible. Having my friend here with me I know will get me out of this reclusive state I am in. She also needs a cook - and I used to love to cook. Here is an opportunity for me to be appreciated for something I love to do - but I don't do for myself. And she is paying the food budget, rent, and half the utilities. This is going to take a lot of pressure off me - and I won't feel so desperate.

 

Now that I am moving forward, guess whose cruising my neighborhood? What a surprise, huh? Also having my my home checked out by a PI very late everynight at the exact same time, 2:15. I'm a night owl, and hang in the front room after hours, and I see this lazy PI does a damn U-Turn, right in front of the house. I emailed x-husband to knock it off, the guy is lazy, and it is a waste of money. Now, he is doing three-point turns. Hahaha.

 

Hon,, the moment you let go for real - somehow, the Universive must send out some sort of signal! I don't go out very much - but a couple times lSt month when I was pulling outta the drive way, he was coming into my sub-division, and he made a quick turn in a side street to avoid me.

 

Why don't you really try to let go - and move on? Do something, San action that blocks her totally. Perhaps get a commitment of some sort like I have that prevents any reconcilation - it almost forces you into compliance. What is it you could do to get yourself in a situation that prevents any reconciliation (for now)? A female roommate to share expenses? (platonic of course - but you don't have to say that). Come up with some ideas. Yas

[hurts_so_bad]

The only hope there is (and don't count it) is to seriously let go of all hope. Give up - for real. Doesn't sound like you've done that.

 

I understand. Im only coming to that point myself, and we've been separated 4 years and divorced one year. I think the long separation is what continues to keep that bit of hope in my heart. But now, a year past the divorce, I'm ready to let go and move on. For instance, I am drawing up a long term lease right now for my best friend of 20 years to come live with me and share this big house, and also we can provide companionship for one another. This is a serious move forward on my part.

 

There is no way I would or COULD ask my friend to vacate. She is disabled with a serious blood disorder that causes her constant pain for which she will remain on pain meds the rest of her life. If HE can to the door - I would not answer - even though my soul yearns still for him - he is no good for me. If he would offer more money to me (for instance, pay the surgeon in advance for dental problem I have) - I might talk to him, and be friendly - but there is no way I would put my friend out and put him back in, that you can take to the bank.

 

So my method - is essentially, taking actions that are making reconciliation impossible. Having my friend here with me I know will get me out of this reclusive state I am in. She also needs a cook - and I used to love to cook. Here is an opportunity for me to be appreciated for something I love to do - but I don't do for myself. And she is paying the food budget, rent, and half the utilities. This is going to take a lot of pressure off me - and I won't feel so desperate.

 

Now that I am moving forward, guess whose cruising my neighborhood? What a surprise, huh? Also having my my home checked out by a PI very late everynight at the exact same time, 2:15. I'm a night owl, and hang in the front room after hours, and I see this lazy PI does a damn U-Turn, right in front of the house. I emailed x-husband to knock it off, the guy is lazy, and it is a waste of money. Now, he is doing three-point turns. Hahaha.

 

Hon,, the moment you let go for real - somehow, the Universive must send out some sort of signal! I don't go out very much - but a couple times lSt month when I was pulling outta the drive way, he was coming into my sub-division, and he made a quick turn in a side street to avoid me.

 

Why don't you really try to let go - and move on? Do something, San action that blocks her totally. Perhaps get a commitment of some sort like I have that prevents any reconcilation - it almost forces you into compliance. What is it you could do to get yourself in a situation that prevents any reconciliation (for now)? A female roommate to share expenses? (platonic of course - but you don't have to say that). Come up with some ideas. Yas

 

I hear what your saying but dont you think thats a bit drastic? I mean if you need the money in order to keep the house fine but what happens if you run into a new man? I guess you can cross that road when it comes to you....I just get very bored and my situation doesnt even allow me the freedom to get in my car and drive cause I cannot get a drivers license..

 

There is just so much **** I have jealousy of with her! Its like her life is thew high life and mine sucks! Shes got the single friends to go out with, she has a family to be her backbone, and she has this guy she cares for..I have friends that never go out but like to come over only for parties, boxing matches or card games, My family is small and not very good to talk too, and I havent found anyone yet...

 

I know people tell me get off my pity party but its very hard when it seems nothing is looking bright in my life..I have everything, I have my own house, my three kids I see all the time, a good job, my health...But its always the things that you long for the most that seem to control your thoughts!

 

You mention let go completely and I get it but how? I think thats just something time will make happen..I did tell her I wanted the divorce and we had planned on going this week but she is telling me she cant due to work and we will do it after the holidays..Thats what I wanted to do for my closure..Even thats not happening as I wished it would!

[Yasuandio]

Give up her. Stop thinking about her. Stop thinking about replacing her.

 

In my case, I talked about how having a companion, even my female friend, will be helpful to my reclusiveness. A room-mate hellos out on finances and my food budget - since I'll have a little chef job! Plus I'll be cooking again - which I love to do! This is something that makes me happy! My friend is also an artist, and we inspire each other to do our artwork, unread of laying around being depressed. Completing art projects makes me happy. You have to begin wanting and actually structuring your life to be a happy person - that is what makes you attractive to the opposite sex.

 

You got it backwards when you looked at my new plans. Why does my home need to be available for a man to live in as a priority? Plus, that would interfer with my alimony arrangments (not that I would want another man living in here). It's all about me now. This single life can also be looked at as an opportunity also - freedom.

 

Once you are happy within yourself, the partner will find you. What are you dreams, goals, aspirations? Why can't you drive? Learn. What legacy do you want to leave you kids? What are the most important things you want to teach them? You have a million things to think about and become inspired about. Answer some of these questions.

[hurts_so_bad]

Give up her. Stop thinking about her. Stop thinking about replacing her.

 

In my case, I talked about how having a companion, even my female friend, will be helpful to my reclusiveness. A room-mate hellos out on finances and my food budget - since I'll have a little chef job! Plus I'll be cooking again - which I love to do! This is something that makes me happy! My friend is also an artist, and we inspire each other to do our artwork, unread of laying around being depressed. Completing art projects makes me happy. You have to begin wanting and actually structuring your life to be a happy person - that is what makes you attractive to the opposite sex.

 

You got it backwards when you looked at my new plans. Why does my home need to be available for a man to live in as a priority? Plus, that would interfer with my alimony arrangments (not that I would want another man living in here). It's all about me now. This single life can also be looked at as an opportunity also - freedom.

 

Once you are happy within yourself, the partner will find you. What are you dreams, goals, aspirations? Why can't you drive? Learn. What legacy do you want to leave you kids? What are the most important things you want to teach them? You have a million things to think about and become inspired about. Answer some of these questions.

 

 

Im not saying it has to be readily available for a man..Im just saying it seems to be locking into something really big if you sign a long lease..Sometimes we do things that we later regret and that sort of long term arrangement may some day come back to bite you...

 

Ive seen super close friends become bitter enemies cause one person found someone which makes them no longer readily available for the other..All Im saying is think about it..Dont jump the gun cause you think that doing something super drastic is going to change your reality..

Then again, you are here to help me so I dont want to get into your stuff! lol..Sorry..

 

I cant drive cause I screwed up too many times with DWI convictions and governor Cuomo just came out with a new law of 3 strikes your out and can never get another license again in New York..Ive even looked into licensing in other states and you pretty much have to clear up whatever problems you have in New York before you can proceed with getting a license on another state..They are all linked together...

 

As for my hopes and dreams and goals, I have to say I pretty much accomplished everything I needed to in my life..Im an electrician by trade which is a great job, I have my three kids, and own my own home which I support on my own...The only goals I would like to accomplish are future goals..Im 44 and would like to retire early hoping to pay my home off early, I have an ebay business which I am trying to expand as well..

 

Other than that I am in pretty good shape..The only goals I have forright now are to get myself in better shape which Im doing, quit smoking, get my license back which I am fighting, and meeting someone I can be happy with..The reason I am so disgusted is because of the last two..

 

Im having a hard time finding someone new to enjoy my time with and my license which in many ways is hurting finding someone! The only oher thing I am working on now is finding a new circle of friends! I have plenty of friends but they are all in LTR's or married so they do not like to get out..They only like to come by for card games or parties..

 

Maybe I am focusing on meeting someone too much and puttting to much importance on it!

[Chi townD]

 

 

Many of you know my story how my ex left me and started dating a guy 14 years younger then her..Many of you said it wouldnt work out which made me feel good but apparantely it has so far.. From what I have heard they are on and off alot but they always end up back..Thats what bothers me the most! She is with a guy she has to know that isnt going to be a grand future with so what does he have over me that makes you contnue to deal with it?

 

 

 

Chin up, dude! If they're on again and off again shows me that their relationship isn't going to survive. On again and off again tells me that they could take it or leave it. That the are willing and able to walk away from each other. Doesn't bode well for a long and lasting relationship. They're a sinking ship.

 

In the meantime! You have shown that you have pride, dignity and morals! And those are attractive qualities that a woman that doesn't play games is looking for!

 

You'll come out better in the end.

[hurts_so_bad]

Chin up, dude! If they're on again and off again shows me that their relationship isn't going to survive. On again and off again tells me that they could take it or leave it. That the are willing and able to walk away from each other. Doesn't bode well for a long and lasting relationship. They're a sinking ship.

 

In the meantime! You have shown that you have pride, dignity and morals! And those are attractive qualities that a woman that doesn't play games is looking for!

 

You'll come out better in the end.

 

Thanks for the kind words dude! Its just hard at times..When you still feel beat up and inadequate cause of how things went down but yet still have no one else to fall back on such as friends to get out with or a new girly!

 

Kinda keeps your mind focused in a bad direction! Im fighting it though! I sell alot of crap on ebay as a side business and I just noticed the other day that I have a tony robbins cd set laying around that I never sold. I started listening to it and one of the things that stuck in my mind was thoughts equal emotions..So in other words what you think you feel..

 

I have been doing my best on trying to look on the bright side! lol..Its not easy sometimes!

 

You know men always think with their d@@ks and when crap like this happens it hits them in it! My thing didnt go down that bad but it still hurts my ego in that dept..I cant imagine how guys who have been cheated on and told really hurtful things like they werent good enough recover?

 

Any insight on that would be appreciated! Cause Im still hurting in that dept even after all this time..

[K Os]

Kinda keeps your mind focused in a bad direction!

So in other words what you think you feel..

Now you're getting there. You actually have full control of your own mind and your thoughts, but we all forget that for most of our lives. When something traumatic happens the emotions make it very hard to remember that it's true, and the negativity swamps us.

 

So focus your mind in other directions. Catch yourself dwelling on the bad stuff and immediately switch your thoughts to something positive. Can be a puppy, can be a happy memory (no, not of her, switch again), can be a good view from a window, it doesn't matter, just switch your thoughts. Gradually you will create more positivity inside yourself and this will pull good stuff towards you.

 

I cant imagine how guys who have been cheated on and told really hurtful things like they werent good enough recover?

 

I reckon Eleanor Roosevelt said it best - 'Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent'.

 

The way to recover from this is to understand that you were better than good enough, because you never behaved that way towards your wife. You're still seeing it backwards. Who showed the inferior behaviour? When you figure out that there's nothing wrong with you, you're fine, and the hurtful things she said were rubbish because she felt guilty, then you'll start on a different track.

Edited December 4, 2013 by K Os

[hurts_so_bad]

So focus your mind in other directions. Catch yourself dwelling on the bad stuff and immediately switch your thoughts to something positive. Can be a puppy, can be a happy memory (no, not of her, switch again), can be a good view from a window, it doesn't matter, just switch your thoughts. Gradually you will create more positivity inside yourself and this will pull good stuff towards you.

 

I get it, I do... but here is where I get confused..Ive been seeing a theropist for well over a year now and Im starting to think she isnt the right one cause I still have no explaination for this...

 

I understand focusing on good things..But at some point something is going to piss us off no? Every time something pisses us off do we just think of good things or is this phylosophy only pretaining to my ex?

 

I feel like if I only think of good things all the time, Im going to react differently which is going to make me a Wussy when it comes to dealing with other people who piss me off! Get it? or am I nuts!? lol...

 

Her is an example...

I have been seeing this women who is seperated but in some ways I believe she is still involved with her ex...We met on craigslist and she still hasnt given me her phone number..She always contacts me via email or a texting service..

 

Anyway, She has 4 kids and is busy with them much of the time...In the beginning things were pretty good..she would come by like once a week and we would hang out and do our thing.. As time went on it got less and less and I started hearing excuses..

 

She would contact me all the time via email or text but wasnt coming by...There were a number of times when she told me, "Im gonna try and get over there tonight"..Because I like her I would hold off any plans for her only not to show..

 

This happened a few times to the point I told her, Hey! Whats going on? If you are still involved, why dont you just work things out with your ex cause I dont like to be played!

 

At first she argued with me, then she changed her tune and was up my ass messaging me none stop..Then it collapsed again! The last time she was here she lost an earring and contacted me asking to look in my bed for it..I did and it was there..

 

Afterwards she would contact me all the time but I didnt see her for about 2 weeks till the other day..She came by acting like she didnt want to be bothered...We talked but nothing happened even so I made the advances she didnt seem into it saying she had a lot of stuff to do and didnt have time.. Anyway, At the last minute before leaving she mentions if I have her earring so I gave it to her..

 

So I kinda gathered she just came over for that. Im really pissed off! I hate to be played!

Anyway here is my delema cause I sometimes dont know how to think and its very confusing...

 

my thoughts of being played cause my emotions of being pissed off so I feel like telling her hey F@@k off! This isnt working for me!

 

But on the other hand I really dont care that much for her and do NOT see her as dating material (atleast not anymore) so why not just have fun when it presents itself?

 

The first way I feel like she will look at me as more of a man for telling her how it is in respect to the second way which I think makes me look like she can do or act however she wants and I will still be there...

 

GET ME?! Im so friggin confused sometimes and this confusion on who to be or how to act is bothering me more then the whole thing with my ex!

 

If I look at the bright side of things I tell myself hey F@@k her she is probably still involved so she isnt mine anyway, I really dont care for her all the much so why not Just ride the wave and have fun with her when she wants.. On the other hand I feel this leaves me no control! I should have a say and Its not only what she wants, I have a say here too and if something is pissing me off I should tell her regardless of the situation..

 

Any help on my confusion would be appreciated! lol...

[GuyInLimbo]

I was just gonna say, before reading your latest post: Time to find a new therapist. If you've been seeing her for a year and you're still this hung up on your ex, then she's not the one for you at all. You need to stop thinking about her life now. None of it matters, with the exception of how it impacts your kids. End of story. It doesn't matter if she's dating someone 20 years older or gang banging 10 guys in her spare time. She's an adult and has chosen a life without you as her partner. That's the harsh bottom line, regardless of how it went down.

 

In order for YOU to move on and find happiness, you have to be willing and able to LET GO of her, as others have said. It's consuming you and holding you back. You have one life to live. As I recently saw, one of my new favorite sayings is: You have a choice. Be bitter or be better.

[K Os]

But on the other hand I really dont care that much for her and do NOT see her as dating material (atleast not anymore) so why not just have fun when it presents itself?

 

Still backwards. This should read: "I really don't care that much for her and do NOT see her as dating material (at least not anymore) so that's over. Good. Now to find someone I like."

 

I understand focusing on good things..But at some point something is going to piss us off no? Every time something pisses us off do we just think of good things or is this phylosophy only pretaining to my ex?

 

I feel like if I only think of good things all the time, Im going to react differently which is going to make me a Wussy when it comes to dealing with other people who piss me off! Get it? or am I nuts!? lol...

 

Ok, you're jumping ahead of yourself. You can take the philosophy as far as you want. You think the Dalai Lama shouts at his car mechanic?

 

Keep it to your thoughts of your ex for now, you need to start with that. Carry on shouting at everyone else, it'll probably help

[hurts_so_bad]

[quote=K Os;538323

 

Keep it to your thoughts of your ex for now, you need to start with that. Carry on shouting at everyone else, it'll probably help

 

 

lol ..I hear ya!

[hurts_so_bad]

I was just gonna say, before reading your latest post: Time to find a new therapist. If you've been seeing her for a year and you're still this hung up on your ex, then she's not the one for you at all. You need to stop thinking about her life now. None of it matters, with the exception of how it impacts your kids. End of story. It doesn't matter if she's dating someone 20 years older or gang banging 10 guys in her spare time. She's an adult and has chosen a life without you as her partner. That's the harsh bottom line, regardless of how it went down.

 

In order for YOU to move on and find happiness, you have to be willing and able to LET GO of her, as others have said. It's consuming you and holding you back. You have one life to live. As I recently saw, one of my new favorite sayings is: You have a choice. Be bitter or be better.

 

I like that saying! Its hard at times though when you get lonely..Kinda makes me feel like she took more away from me then her!

 

She walked away with the single friends to get out and mingle with, her family is a lot larger then mine and more by her side then mine, she has a new BF... In other words she has everything she needs

 

Im left with friends that are all in LTR's and only good to come over for card games, boxing matches, or parties which doesnt leave much mingling or nightlife since I hate going out alone. My family is small and non supportive, and I dont have a girl yet!

 

Our lives are like a total 180 at this point..As if she has everything to make her happy and I dont..

 

I guess I have a little jealousy there that she got it all and i was left with nothing..I know I have my kids but I do want my own social life to have fun with too..

 

I guess I feel like a loser or less of a man if Im not with someone! If I was a man I would have someone already! Ive had a few girls in my life since but they were not for me and Im not looking to settle! One of my friends said to me you have to learn to settle..Thats him..NOT me! I have to be with someone I like not just someone to fill the time.. Yeah I get the song, "If you cant be with the one you want, Love the one your with" But that still leaves you empty at the end of the day! It may pass the time but ends up leaving someone hurt!

 

The sad part is I know 100% that once I meet the right one I will fell 1000 times better! Guess thats why I am rushing it..I dont even know if at this point you would call it rushing it! It will be 2 years in Febuary! Kinda feel like its been too long as if Im running out of time!

[GuyInLimbo]

First of all, there's no time limit. So chill out on that. Social life? Who controls that? You do. Sign up for some new classes. Cooking? Wine tasting? CrossFit? Get your sorry ass out there and meet people. There are 9 billion people on this planet. There are plenty of new friends waiting out there for you. And plenty of love interests.

 

Being a "man" doesn't mean sh*t if you don't have yourself together. Trust me, there is NOTHING WRONG with being single. You can do what you want. Find out what makes you tick. Find uot what you want, don't want, like, don't like. Discover who YOU are first. Once you're happy with you, then it's time for someone else in your life.

 

And drop the mind set that meeting "the right one" will make you feel better. BZZT! WRONG! You cannot place your happiness and well-being in someone else. That's backwards. You need to be happy ON YOUR OWN first. If you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else and make up for it.

[hurts_so_bad]

First of all, there's no time limit. So chill out on that. Social life? Who controls that? You do. Sign up for some new classes. Cooking? Wine tasting? CrossFit? Get your sorry ass out there and meet people. There are 9 billion people on this planet. There are plenty of new friends waiting out there for you. And plenty of love interests.

 

Being a "man" doesn't mean sh*t if you don't have yourself together. Trust me, there is NOTHING WRONG with being single. You can do what you want. Find out what makes you tick. Find uot what you want, don't want, like, don't like. Discover who YOU are first. Once you're happy with you, then it's time for someone else in your life.

 

And drop the mind set that meeting "the right one" will make you feel better. BZZT! WRONG! You cannot place your happiness and well-being in someone else. That's backwards. You need to be happy ON YOUR OWN first. If you can't love yourself, you can't love someone else and make up for it.

 

People can love themselves and be unhappy with the way their life is at the moment..Has nothing to do with loving yourself or knowing yourself or knowing what you want....I do love myself, and know what I want but still feel like crap cause life isnt the way I want it to be right now...People get stuck in a rut and sometimes it hard to get out of thats all...I believe in some cases life makes you who you are whether it be temporary or permanent...

 

Its not always you make life what you want..Lets try and tell a starving kid in etheopia that with a straight face! This kid could love himself all he wants and know that he wants food but he is starving and unhappy...

 

I know Im not starving and have the ability to change things for myself. Im just trying to make a point that its not always about loving yourself or knowing who you are that makes you happy or unhappy in life..There are other factors that are out of your control sometimes that can make the difference between being happy or unhappy regardless of how you think of yourself..

 

There is a movie with Scott Caan called Mercy..He is the most confident man in the world..He meets a girl and falls in love..She then dies..He becomes a total wreck, disgusted with life, He starts drinking and almost goes off the deep end till he gets over it...Point is..Being unhappy or heartbroken, or not knowing what to do to change things does not always equal NOt loving or knowing who you are or being happy with yourself...

 

Sometimes it just means that you are unhappy with the situation and confused with what to do about it..Guess thats why I am on here bitching about! lol....

 

Sometimes I just dont know what to do, so I guess Im looking for answers..

 

Im not the type of guy to sit around..The more I sit around the more I think bad things and I refuse to live a life with fighting my mind to change the bad thoughts into sunshine 24/7 while I sit around..I like doing things and getting out..The more Im out the better off and happier I am! Thats my delema that I need to figure out..I have no drivers license and cannnot get one right now which makes it harder..

 

I gave it some thought today and I think I am going to join a pool league in my area..Im an excellent pool player and it would get me out in hopes to mingle with a differnet circle of friends which I can also get to by cab..Thats one idea..Any others?

[dumped2013]

Put on the AMC channel and watch Animal House. It always makes me laugh.

[trippi1432]

Im just trying to make a point that its not always about loving yourself or knowing who you are that makes you happy or unhappy in life..There are other factors that are out of your control sometimes that can make the difference between being happy or unhappy regardless of how you think of yourself..

 

Yes, this would be called a license, a ticket of freedom that really no one screwed you out of..Mayor or no...state or no...it's called RESPONSIBILITY!!!

I can understand your unhappiness, but you still put it on HER and it's not HER fault.

 

There is a movie with Scott Caan called Mercy..He is the most confident man in the world..He meets a girl and falls in love..She then dies..He becomes a total wreck, disgusted with life, He starts drinking and almost goes off the deep end till he gets over it...Point is..Being unhappy or heartbroken, or not knowing what to do to change things does not always equal NOt loving or knowing who you are or being happy with yourself...

 

But it's never really been about HER, it's really been about YOU. He (the actor) didn't jump in the bottle because of her, he did because HE didn't know how to deal with HIMSELF.

 

Sometimes it just means that you are unhappy with the situation and confused with what to do about it..Guess thats why I am on here bitching about! lol....

 

It's more about getting to acceptance as you put it out there already about what really makes you unhappy, she didn't strip you of your freedom, unless you thought of her as a taxi and made you her responsibility.

 

Sometimes I just dont know what to do, so I guess Im looking for answers..

 

Im not the type of guy to sit around..The more I sit around the more I think bad things and I refuse to live a life with fighting my mind to change the bad thoughts into sunshine 24/7 while I sit around..I like doing things and getting out..The more Im out the better off and happier I am! Thats my delema that I need to figure out..I have no drivers license and cannnot get one right now which makes it harder..

 

I gave it some thought today and I think I am going to join a pool league in my area..Im an excellent pool player and it would get me out in hopes to mingle with a differnet circle of friends which I can also get to by cab..Thats one idea..Any others?

 

If you want answers, just to honest with yourself, and learn to live with it..because it is the truth. You messed up...she didn't, YOU did. She didn't cheat on you, you fought for a reason NOTto be loved and you found it. I bet if I sat with her, she would find a lot of reasons to love you and a lot of reasons not to....and the ones were YOUR demons..they weren't her cross to carry.

 

The bolded part, it really has nothing to do about her or your d*ck, it really has everything to do with that one freedom you don't have anymore and you bring it here to lament on about how SHE betrayed you when she did so much more and you will never appreciate it....I'm not even going to state the step, if you had been doing them, you would know by now.

 

For as much as YOU required of her, when were you there for her? She has a heart problem, you have a drinking problem and 3 times convicted, no license. Leave her be to find her happiness and quit blaming her...she did her time, now it's time to do yours.

[hurts_so_bad]

Yes, this would be called a license, a ticket of freedom that really no one screwed you out of..Mayor or no...state or no...it's called RESPONSIBILITY!!!

I can understand your unhappiness, but you still put it on HER and it's not HER fault.

 

 

 

But it's never really been about HER, it's really been about YOU. He (the actor) didn't jump in the bottle because of her, he did because HE didn't know how to deal with HIMSELF.

 

 

 

It's more about getting to acceptance as you put it out there already about what really makes you unhappy, she didn't strip you of your freedom, unless you thought of her as a taxi and made you her responsibility.

 

 

 

If you want answers, just to honest with yourself, and learn to live with it..because it is the truth. You messed up...she didn't, YOU did. She didn't cheat on you, you fought for a reason NOTto be loved and you found it. I bet if I sat with her, she would find a lot of reasons to love you and a lot of reasons not to....and the ones were YOUR demons..they weren't her cross to carry.

 

The bolded part, it really has nothing to do about her or your d*ck, it really has everything to do with that one freedom you don't have anymore and you bring it here to lament on about how SHE betrayed you when she did so much more and you will never appreciate it....I'm not even going to state the step, if you had been doing them, you would know by now.

 

For as much as YOU required of her, when were you there for her? She has a heart problem, you have a drinking problem and 3 times convicted, no license. Leave her be to find her happiness and quit blaming her...she did her time, now it's time to do yours.

 

Are you drinking? For someone who preaches the steps all the time sure seems like your not reading things right! Im not here to be crucified by someone who thinks they are high and mighty because they did "step work" Your still here arent you? You did the steps! Why are you still here? Cause their not the damn 10 commandments thats why! His name is Jesus not BOB! Steps arent going to make your life happy and perfect..If they did you nor I would be here would we..They are steps on how to get better and its all about keeping u from picking up again so stop trying to make them the written law of the world..

 

About the story if you seen the movie at all just shows how heart broken the guy was! He didnt know what to do cause he lost something that meant so much to him! He put himself threw hell! It was about her! About losing her! It killed him! It wasnt because there was something wrong with him its because he loved her so much that he didnt know what to do without her...Maybe if you took some time off this site you wouldnt be so calis and think everything is black and white and that everyone is supposed to think like a robot.. OH she is dead! Im fine and dandy cause im did the steps!

 

Furthermore, My last post had nothing to do with my ex wife or blaming her for anything! Its explains how loving yourself doesnt always make your life a happy life..We all have problems that are sometimes out of our control...Hence the movie I mentioned. Read it again instead of just wanting to write something to hear yourself talk!

 

Furthermore, Furthermore! NO one drives anyone to cheat! No matter what the circumstances are cheating is never an answer or accepted! If things are bad you leave! Bottom line so stop trying to justify her cheating by saying I drove her too it! Its like me saying you drove your ex to do whateverr the hell he did! There must be a reason! What did you do?!

 

Threw all of my crap I still maintained a job, supported her, gave her a house, my coverage paid for her heart surgeries and she never went short of clothes, shoes, jewelry or food and neither did my kids..Im not saying she owes me crap! I (for some reason) am trying to defend myself here which I shouldnt be with you! In that respect I did what I had to do as a husband so dont ever question "What did I do for her" .. Before you sit here and look at me as a bum who did nothing for my ex realize this.Then and even more so now, Im sure Im a better man then what you called a man that let lead you to this site in the first place!

[hinatticus]

Hey hurts. Sucks that you're still hurting. I feel your pain man.

 

Here's something for ya. Your starving kid analogy... I'm gonna put a spin on it. So the starving kid is unhappy cuz he's starving. If you gave him what he needs just to survive, he'd be the happiest kid in the world yet he's got nothing but water and a piece of bread. He may not be "happy" with himself or even love himself, but he's damn grateful for what he's got.

 

It all starts with gratitude. And I mean really being grateful for something.

 

You know how when a stranger bumps into you and they say "sorry". They're not really sorry(well most of the time they're not), that's the same way some people feel about gratitude. They say they're grateful but in reality they're just saying it and not feeling it.

 

Feel the gratitude man. When the day comes when you get your license back, you'll feel real gratitude. Hopefully.

 

If that fails to make you happy try this. Wake up tomorrow and tell yourself you're going to be happy all day no matter what. All day long you're going to be happy. If something pisses you off, just smile and say f*ck it! I'm happy today. Just be happy! Smile at the old lady in the grocery store, smile at the dog running down the street, smile at yourself while fixing your hair, smile at the assh*le who bumped into you. Just keep on smiling.

 

If that fails, maybe you just want to be unhappy. In which case you should punch yourself in the face for wanting to be unhappy:)

 

Good luck man. I seriously feel your pain.

[trippi1432]

Actually Hurts, I was referencing most of your posts on this new thread when I wrote that. i.e. the stickler about not being able to ever get your license back because of the new laws.

 

As far as the steps, nope....never did them. My exH made a couple of attempts at AA. I even went to Al-anon to try and understand his addiction, all I saw were a bunch of tortured spouses blaming themselves, letting out their hurt, their anger and trying to figure out how to live the crazy addicted spouse spiral. Essentially co-dependents who have to try and fix what is wrong, I had given up on fixing what ailed my exH a long time ago, he'd been drinking and doing recreational drugs since he was 12.

 

But you are right, some people just cannot be happy. And I didn't say you pushed her to cheat, as I still recall, you only found a card in her car that she was going to give this guy at work. What did get pushed (and I've tried to tell you this so many times) was her love for you because the drama and chaos of an alcoholic becomes too much sometimes. I'm not saying this from the alcoholic's side, I'm saying this as the spouse of a man who is an alcoholic and has other addictive issues. He let his misery push everyone every single day until you're finally just getting by day to day, it's all a cycle, one he may never realize......but yes, that is what brought me to LS....that many years of emotional, physical and verbal abuse doesn't just go away, but I do know what happy looks like. Happy is not having him in my life everyday and being able to set limits on what I will tolerate in his and our sons's poor behavior.

 

Are you a better man than him, who knows, but I bet you would sympathize with him a lot better than I could as I'm just apathetic to his issues. You are in a cycle of anger...I recognize this because actually, I had been in that cycle for over 2 years....you may find yourself doing the same. But the only way to get out of the cycle of anger is to realize what you are really angry about so you can work on each thing one at a time. It seems when you think of the license, you become miserable because you just want to get out, have a life...etc.....you spiral and it becomes about her...not actually about what you are really angry about, the inability to get the license back.

 

Some things are just out of your control, and the less you try to control, the better off you will find yourself.

 

Make a list of the things that you aren't happy about, then note which of them you can control, what about them you can't control and how you can let the things you can't control go. What can it hurt?

[hurts_so_bad]

Hey hurts. Sucks that you're still hurting. I feel your pain man.

 

Here's something for ya. Your starving kid analogy... I'm gonna put a spin on it. So the starving kid is unhappy cuz he's starving. If you gave him what he needs just to survive, he'd be the happiest kid in the world yet he's got nothing but water and a piece of bread. He may not be "happy" with himself or even love himself, but he's damn grateful for what he's got.

 

It all starts with gratitude. And I mean really being grateful for something.

 

You know how when a stranger bumps into you and they say "sorry". They're not really sorry(well most of the time they're not), that's the same way some people feel about gratitude. They say they're grateful but in reality they're just saying it and not feeling it.

 

Feel the gratitude man. When the day comes when you get your license back, you'll feel real gratitude. Hopefully.

 

If that fails to make you happy try this. Wake up tomorrow and tell yourself you're going to be happy all day no matter what. All day long you're going to be happy. If something pisses you off, just smile and say f*ck it! I'm happy today. Just be happy! Smile at the old lady in the grocery store, smile at the dog running down the street, smile at yourself while fixing your hair, smile at the assh*le who bumped into you. Just keep on smiling.

 

If that fails, maybe you just want to be unhappy. In which case you should punch yourself in the face for wanting to be unhappy:)

 

Good luck man. I seriously feel your pain.

 

Thanks bro! Your post really helped! Gratitutde is key I know..I have a list of things to be grateful for which is probably alot longer then most peoples..I know I am a lucky man but sometimes its just so hard to focus on it when the other crap overshadows your thoughts and emotions! Im trying! Hopefully Iwill get there! one day

[hurts_so_bad]

Actually Hurts, I was referencing most of your posts on this new thread when I wrote that. i.e. the stickler about not being able to ever get your license back because of the new laws.

 

As far as the steps, nope....never did them. My exH made a couple of attempts at AA. I even went to Al-anon to try and understand his addiction, all I saw were a bunch of tortured spouses blaming themselves, letting out their hurt, their anger and trying to figure out how to live the crazy addicted spouse spiral. Essentially co-dependents who have to try and fix what is wrong, I had given up on fixing what ailed my exH a long time ago, he'd been drinking and doing recreational drugs since he was 12.

 

But you are right, some people just cannot be happy. And I didn't say you pushed her to cheat, as I still recall, you only found a card in her car that she was going to give this guy at work. What did get pushed (and I've tried to tell you this so many times) was her love for you because the drama and chaos of an alcoholic becomes too much sometimes. I'm not saying this from the alcoholic's side, I'm saying this as the spouse of a man who is an alcoholic and has other addictive issues. He let his misery push everyone every single day until you're finally just getting by day to day, it's all a cycle, one he may never realize......but yes, that is what brought me to LS....that many years of emotional, physical and verbal abuse doesn't just go away, but I do know what happy looks like. Happy is not having him in my life everyday and being able to set limits on what I will tolerate in his and our sons's poor behavior.

 

Are you a better man than him, who knows, but I bet you would sympathize with him a lot better than I could as I'm just apathetic to his issues. You are in a cycle of anger...I recognize this because actually, I had been in that cycle for over 2 years....you may find yourself doing the same. But the only way to get out of the cycle of anger is to realize what you are really angry about so you can work on each thing one at a time. It seems when you think of the license, you become miserable because you just want to get out, have a life...etc.....you spiral and it becomes about her...not actually about what you are really angry about, the inability to get the license back.

 

Some things are just out of your control, and the less you try to control, the better off you will find yourself.

 

Make a list of the things that you aren't happy about, then note which of them you can control, what about them you can't control and how you can let the things you can't control go. What can it hurt?

 

Hey Trippi

 

I was sort of reluctant to open your response in fear of what I might read! lol..I was having a very bad day the other day and I didnt mean to bite your head off! I apologize!

 

I am not blaming her at all..I am angry with her for what she did cause she should have shown me a little more respect then to just jump right into the arms of another man cause that destroyed me! It really did! Maybe I was a selfish Ahole but I did and still do love her to death and although I may not have been as great of a husband that I could/should have been, I would have always been there for her but not blaming her for what I am going threw now..NOt at all...

 

Regardless of who was right or wrong thats not even part of the equation anymore..Its about how to be happy..I just want to be happy! I still feel miserable, lonely, and very unsure of my thoughts and actions.. And when Im not thinking of that the rest of my time is wondering why I cant find anyone...Ive found women but not the right one for me yet...

 

I was at a christmas party last night for my job..It was held in a bar in NYC..No I didnt drink! I just get so damn frustrated that I see so many other people with people or hooking up right in front of me and I ask myself, What the hell is wrong with me? Im not a quiet guy and I definitely dont think Im ugly!

 

Instead of just going to the party with no expectations except having a good time and mingling, its like I have constant expectations to meet someone and when I dont I get frustrated...

 

I guess I need to be more grateful for what I do have like Hinnatus said in his post..Its not easy though sometimes..I just have this overwhelming feeling of being "less of a man" or that I am missing out on something if I dont have a girl in my life..I feel like people are looking a laughing saying to themselves his ex moved on why hasnt he..Its not for lack of trying and thats whats so frustrating! Im going to try harder to be grateful and keep good thoughts in my head..Try to just focus on me and stop worrying about what other people think of me and just do my thing single or not...

 

By the way thanks for being an adult with your response..I was pretty harsh in mine but your response was very respectful and I appreciate that..

Edited December 7, 2013 by hurts_so_bad

[hinatticus]

Hey man. Hang in there. If you keep your gratitude up things will gradually appear in a brighter light. Look, I haven't posted here about my new situation because I feel I've learned a lot in the past 2 years. I think our ex's left us around the same time. Well, she came back to me last April and left again a few days after my bday(oct). I was horrified and I still am but for some reason I'm not as much as a wreck as I was last time. I keep thinking how lucky I am to have my son. Just the thought of him makes me smile. I'm sure there's something in your life, that just the thought of it makes you smile.

 

I never thought she would leave me again. This time it's her with the issues. So maybe that's why I don't feel as bad, but I've been in your shoes before. The guilt, feeling worthless and like sh*t. Feeling less of a man. But if you dig deep there has to be something about yourself that you're proud of. I'm talking physically. Maybe you still have a full head of hair, or you have straight teeth, or you have big biceps. If there is something you don't like, change it. And if you can't change it, accept that is just the way you are. I'm a short guy, but I never let that bother me. Pretty much every girl I've dated has been taller than me. Point is, find something about yourself that you like and embrace it.

 

Now I've heard you talking about your manhood. Or maybe your skills in bed and that's what gets you fired up. You've said what does this kid have that I don't. Maybe he doesn't have anything but the excitement that comes from someone new. Also just cuz you may suck in the sack with one women doesn't mean you suck with all. Every woman likes something different. During my dating stint last break up, meeting different girls really opened my eyes to how different they can be. They all don't like the same thing sexually. Being with my ex for so long made me think they all like what she did. Wrong!!

 

Anyway, change what you can and embrace what you can't. All chicks like different.... You know

[hurts_so_bad]

I thought I had the lowest point about 18 months ago and that things would look up from there..I find myself tonight with the only people to talk to are you guys on loveshack...You guys are great but what does it really say about my life!

 

I was working on the 28th floor of an open building today looking out and just wandering if I should do it! I never would but sometimes it feels like a better alternative! My life is so F@@ked up right now you cant even imagine!

 

I find myself not only fighting my own demonds in my head with who I am and no drivers license but things are much worse then that!

 

Ive gone to phycics in the past and they told me I have a curse on me..I have a theropist who I sent an email to the other morning that never responded..this same theropist was supposed to see me tonight and never called...

 

Im on like 4 different dating sites and cant seem to meet anyone!

 

Ive been talking to a girl I like who is now playing games, My friends are no where to be found, I called my mother to invite her for Christmas and she said she cant make it and all she did was start talking sh@t about my ex...

 

No matter how many times I said I dont want to talk about her she kept on till I had to hang up on my mother! Yes I have my job, my house, my health and my kids to be grateful for and maybe I am taking that for granted but what good is it all if your miserable! I feel like everyone else is living their life in their glory while I am here lonely and its killing me!

 

People say you have to be happy with yourself but does that mean I have to be happy all by myself? Maybe Im just the type of person who likes to be around people..Yet I always question myself that I shouldnt feel this way cause if I was happy with myself I'd be happy by myself..Maybe there is something Im missing..

 

I know Im rambling but this is a really bad day for me where I feel everything is against me! It even started at 6:30 am when I walked into a deli where I get my bacon and eggs each morning..The guy had an attitude saying, dont even ask! the grill dont open till 7!...I am there every morning at 6:30 getting eggs now the grill dont open till 7? and to say it with an attitude! I pretty much told him where to go and he wont be seeing me again!

 

I just dont understand..I know I made my mistakes but I wasnt the worst person inn the world by far and to be this miserable with being unsure of myself, having no one to turn to even my theropist who is fired by the way, having no support from your own family, and to top it off feeling like the ex is so Fu@king happy and Im still miserable is the icing on the cake!

 

I dont know if anyone else out there has ever ran into a point in their lives where they felt like this low but boy does it SUCK!

[dumped2013]

Slow down and chili for a minute. I'm here by myself fixing to go to bed. Going to call my cat up here to sleep with me. You are still not happy with you. Go out and jog, not tonight but figure out what makes you happy. I actually don't mind being by myself. Rescue a dog or cat from the shelter to keep you company. You can always count on them to love you. Also, quit thinking about doing something stupid like jumping off a building. You have a lot going for you and your kids count on you. OK?