to cheat or not to cheat that is the question

[hamlet2004]

i know... most of you would say no.. but hear me out and trow your 2 cents in.

 

i'm currently going out with this girl for 1 year. we met when i was on an exchange and it's been great... we spent about 8 months dating (not living together but consideing moving in together this summer) and everything was great. i came home in september (3000 miles away) and went back for a visit just before xmas (1 week). everything went great during that week except for her suggesting a break until i go back to visit her again in april. I told her that going on a break would just end the relationship, as i couldnt go back to her after i've slept with x girls during the break. we decided against the break and i came home. i'm a guy and i have my needs sometimes... if i really wanted to have sex... all i have to do is pick up the phone.. there are at least 3 girls that i've had sex b4 that invited me over. my best friend called me a moron for declining one. sometimes it's very tempting to spend a night together without any strings attached. i'm sure about the no strings as i've had encounters with these girls before. my friend is callin me a moron for not taking advantage of these opportunities.. his points are... she suggested a break(most likely for the same reason), we live 3000 miles apart, we arent married, take advantage of being young and wanted. i'm scared that if i sleep with somebody else, i would loose the feelings that i have for her and the whole dream would end. i really want this to work out and am planing on moving back there after i finish my school in june but then again i'm probably being used and should just move on. sorry for the bad english... it's 4am and am typing what comes to mind.

[missopinionated]

Originally posted by hamlet2004

she suggested a break(most likely for the same reason), we live 3000 miles apart, we arent married, take advantage of being young and wanted. i'm scared that if i sleep with somebody else, i would loose the feelings that i have for her and the whole dream would end. i really want this to work out and am planing on moving back there after i finish my school in june but then again i'm probably being used and should just move on. sorry for the bad english... it's 4am and am typing what comes to mind.

 

I think two things right off the bat: both of you like the idea of a committed relationship but neither of you is ready or willing to commit yet.

 

Secondly, it may be just semantics, but a solid relationship usually can't be described as a dream.

 

Her suggestion to take a break is probably a good one. If/when you move back to where she is, perhaps you could both commit to going really slow, having no expectations beyond enjoying each other's company and just letting the thing go where it goes.

 

On the subject of needs, and I suppose I am a radical thinker here, sex, food and breathing are all pretty much necessary for a decent human life. I said sex, not promiscuity.... There's a huge difference between a purely sexual relationship and an intimate relationship that also includes sex.

 

Might it work for you both to have an unspoken understanding that, for the present, you care for each other but the situation dictates that you must live separate lives, no questions asked on either part and NO repercussions (as in the past will remain the past) if/when you do actually move in together?

[EMily234]

Just whatever you do DO NOT CHEAT! theres a huge chance she'll find out and someones going to get hurt.. Is it really worth it? You have to hands use em.. Its not cheating! Go Nutz! lol

[Pocky]

There is never an excuse to cheat. If you feel you want to live a more active lifestyle then break off the relationship until you're in a position to move near her. There's nothing wrong with experiencing life - what's wrong is experiencing life while lying to someone you're supposed to care about. If getting laid is more important than the relationship you're in then maybe it's not really the ideal relationship you want it to be.

[_Saffy_]

its ok to have sex with "at least 3 girls that i've had sex b4 that invited me over" while ya still with her.....but she suggested a break and you told her "i couldnt go back to her after i've slept with x girls during the break."

 

dont make sense to me !! sounds more like........

 

"its ok for me to sleep with whoever as long as you dont find out, but im not letting you have a break in case you wanna go do that"

 

 

 

 

 

 

i'm scared that if i sleep with somebody else, i would loose the feelings that i have for her and the whole dream would end

 

if you sleep with somebody else, or even seriously think about doing that, then the dream as you put it is exactly that, a dream.

 

if you love someone, and you want it to work then you DONT, i repeat DONT, sleep with someone else.

[hic-cup]

I think you should discuss it with her before anything happens. Now, I don't mean saying, "Sweetie, I am thinking about cheating on you, how do you feel about that?" I mean more like, "We are so far apart, if you slept with someone I would ______. How would you feel if I slept with someone? Would you want to know or would you rather NOT know? If it was purely sexual or I had feelings for the person I slept with, would that change things?" etc.

 

I say this because my boyfriend and I live thousands of miles apart and we discussed the possibility of cheating. He told me that if he knew that I slept with someone he would think about it obsessively and it would make him (and probably me) crazy so that if I did sleep with someone he would rather not want to know. And I felt the opposite way. I would rather he tell me in advance that he was attracted to someone and he planned on sleeping with them. Since we have made this agreement we can both relax and enjoy the seperation. And I believe we feel more dedicated to not hurting each other because we put our feelings right out on the table. It makes for a good deterant when you can actually invision your love crying or becoming obsessed.